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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » My gf and me, rape advice.

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Author Topic: My gf and me, rape advice.
LostGuy
Neophyte
Member # 6902

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Ok me and my gf have been going out for a while now and we have talk about having sex, alot.

Anyway thing is when my gf was 12 she was raped, it still affects her a bit, she tries to hide it but its no use, im very scared ill hurt this r-ship alot by having sex with her, when we first started going out she had problems kissing me.

Iv tried talking to her about it but its not use, iv tried everything and told her how i feel about this, but she just replys "ill be fine, dont worry"

note im 18 and my gf is 17

Someone plz help me!


Posts: 1 | Registered: Feb 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
kythryne
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5460

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Sex after rape can be a very difficult thing, and I know too that it can be very challenging for the partner of someone who's been raped or sexually abused. I've been in both situations -- I've been raped, and my partner was sexually abused at a very young age.

My best advice for you is to take things very slowly and gently. If she seems uncomfortable, you might stop what you're doing, and just cuddle with her for a while -- that was something that was very helpful to me when I'd have flashbacks.

Let your partner know that she can stop the sexual activity at any time, for any reason -- you might even want to set up a "safeword" or some sort of non-vocal signal she could use if she wants to stop. My safeword is asparagus, which isn't something I normally mention during sex. And I also have a small motion I do with my hand that indicates to my partner that I need to stop whatever we're doing.

You might also like to check out the topics we have going about sexual abuse and rape in the Support Groups forum -- there's been some excellent advice given in those topics.And some articles that might be helpful:

Dealing With Rape
Advice from an Abuse Survivor
Ready or Not?
First Intercourse 101 Safe, Sound & Sexy ? A Safer Sex How-To

You sound like a really caring and concerned partner, and it's excellent that you're thinking ahead about this. Good luck.

Kyth

------------------
Kythryne Aisling
Scarleteen Advocate

"The only unnatural sexual act is that which you cannot perform."
-- Alfred Kinsey


Posts: 1685 | From: New York City | Registered: Oct 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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