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Author Topic: urgent gender crisis
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

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I'm having a massive panic attack at the minute, I just realised I've basically been cross dressing in front of my parents thinking they wouldn't figure out something was up, and I was watching TV earlier and I realised I had been feeling like I was a woman. Like, sexually I had always fantasised about myself as female (even during sex) but I just felt all happy and comfortable, and then I realised what I was doing. I have a women's haircut and a lot of women's clothes, but I just realised what I'm doing and I don't want a sex change because I don't want to have to live with the stigma and the expense and I don't know how genuine it'll feel anyway but I want to be a woman, I think so. I hate my penis, I hate my body hair, I hate men. It's eleven months since I had sex because I just feel too damn uncomfortable with my body. I hate this. I'm not going to see my counsellor til January because I'm studying abroad next semester in Oregon so I really just don't know what to do. I don't want to want a sex change. Help. Gah, I'm sorry.
Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You don't need to be sorry, Joseph. I'm sorry that you're feeling this way.

Can I ask why you aren't seeing your counselor? I'm not sure I understand, especially since it sounds pretty needed right now. There's also very good news which is that Oregon is somewhere where you will be able to very easily find great trans support services, especially if you're in Portland or Eugene.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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I was using my university's counselling service, and a) you only get eight-week blocks and then you have to queue again, and b) I moved out of my apartment down there after the semester finished.

I sent an email a few minutes ago though to see about a one-off session, as it turns out they still run it through the summer.

I'm going to study at Pacific, in Forest Grove - I think it's only a half hour or so outside Portland. But I'm going to China first in July for more study and I don't know how LGBT friendly it is there, I can't seem to find much information.

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Do you need to be connected with other orgs in or around London where you can get trans-friendly counseling and services?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
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Member # 29269

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Well, I'm not actually in London at the moment, which is the difficulty - I'm back at my parents' in a small town in the Midlands. I guess something in London would still be useful, though - I'll have to go down there again before I go away.

I'm just absolutely terrified of the idea of doing this. I feel like I'd have to leave the country if I wanted to do it.

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure what "this" is, but what it sounds to me you need right now is just someone to talk to about everything. While therapy isn't likely to make all of these feelings magically go away, I do think it will help you feel a lot better and have some more tools to process and manage them with.

I also want to be clear that transitioning is a long process. No one can do it all at once or has to, and how you transition is totally up to you. Not everyone has surgery, for instance. But your worry that you would have surgery or do hormones and still not feel like a woman: I understand those fears, but for trans people who do want to transition, in general, most do tend to report that hormone therapies and surgeries do tend to make them feel a lot better (in fact, on studies I have looked at for cosmetic surgery overall, trans people are the group that typically always has the highest and longest-term satisfaction rate per body image).

In terms of finding something now where you are, I'd call into the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard, that also addresses trans, at: 020 7837 7324 They can not only talk to you, but likely help you find someone to talk to near where you are.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67145 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

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Thanks very much for your help here - I ended up going to London to see my counsellor last week, we had a really good chat about this. With going away for six months I have an opportunity to experiment with this a little without having to explain things to my parents, so that might be a little better.
Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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