posted
So last semester I had a rather interesting experience that might interest some of you, as it shed for me quite a bit of light on the issues of gender roles and especially gender roles in sexuality. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it.
Early on in the semester (and again at a slightly later point) I got "plucked" by a cougar, picked up by an unusually aggressive girl looking for a one-night stand with a "hot" guy. Now, let's put aside for a moment all of my self-esteem issues of not feeling "hot" enough for this sort of thing to happen to me, blah blah blah, and I'll relate what I find (and found at the time) to be the most interesting parts of this experience.
She initiated everything, from the initial hand-holding outside the mutual friend's dorm where we met, to her brief but straightforward "Wanna ****?" a short time thereafter. She then took me back to her room and began to order me around. I thought this was rather strange, but it only got stranger. I'm not sure how to put this, but...she was very into making me feel pain: biting me, scratching me (HARD), striking me, and being generally dominating (i.e. ordering me around, I was completely undressed while she was not, etc).
I didn't enjoy this very much, let her know, and she eased up a bit. All of these details, however, are incidental to what I wanted to ask all of you. Since this woman was so much more domineering and well...consensually abusive than I could ever be, I found myself very puzzled about the dimensions of this experience with respect to gender roles. I almost found it impossible to believe that she, a woman, could enjoy being this way with a sex partner, as well as actively seeking it out, to a greater degree than I ever could.
I'm not an aggressive person by nature, I have trouble asserting myself in relationships, I'm hopelessly passive with women, etc. You know the type. Yet somehow this happens. I don't understand it. Before this experience I had always thought that in order to have a relationship or (as in this case) a sexual encounter, a man has to be much more assertive than the woman. I almost found this unfair, that men are (supposedly) universally expected to be the initiators and guiders of a sexual encounter, while women may stand by passively and judge his performance. In fact, you could say that I found it grossly unfair.
But now that I know what I know, that this isn't always the case, that there are in fact women out there who do enjoy being in a powerful position, almost to an excessive degree, I find that I'm more confused than ever about how to proceed in the future with new relationships and new women. Do they *expect* me to be the assertive, dominant, "manly" man that I just can't find it in myself to be? Would they *hold it against me* if I weren't? I'm hopelessly confused here.
Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007
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quote: I find that I'm more confused than ever about how to proceed in the future with new relationships and new women. Do they *expect* me to be the assertive, dominant, "manly" man that I just can't find it in myself to be? Would they *hold it against me* if I weren't?
How about just being yourself ? Everyone can have expectations which might differ quite a lot from one person to the next, it's impossible for you to please everyone or satisfy every partner's expectations. Might some partners prefer that you are the dominant person in the relationship ? Sure, some might, but for some it might just don't matter at all or like you've seen, some women might even actually prefer being the dominant one in the relationship. For others like me, they might just prefer being equal partners, without any partner being in power over the other.
I don't think you should change the way you act or who you are just in order to please a given partner. I think it's up to you to be whoever you want to be, to act the way you feel the most comfortable with, and if a partner just can't accept that, then that just means that this person just isn't a great match for you and this is very likely to happen at some point or another because we just can't please everybody. There is just no point in trying to be somebody that you are not because even though this might please a given partner, that's not something you are going to be comfortable in and I think that's what should matter most.
You were talking about having some problems with assertiveness, I think, when it comes to that, this might be a good idea to try to work on that if you're interested, not because men should be more assertive than women nor because I think women expect men to be, but simply because personally I think being assertive in a relationship is important no matter your gender so that you are comfortable stating your own limits and boundaries, etc. and get heard.
posted
It looks to me like you encountered a woman who was into BDSM, who was apparently very into being a "top", and who clearly (unfortunately!) didn't give you any warnings about what you were getting into. So, first off, sorry about that!--a more respectful partner would have asked you if you were interested in being slapped around before slapping you around.
I agree with everything cool87 said concerning gender roles and relationship dynamics. Some people want more dominant partners, others want more submissive partners, etc. My boyfriend and I are both very mellow, passive people (curiously, most of our good friends are on the more assertive end of the spectrum) and consider ourselves equals in our relationship. But when push comes to shove, I tend to be the more dominant one. Does that mean I feel like the gender roles are reversed, or that he's somehow not masculine? Nope. Do I have less respect for him? Nope.
I think your experience was much more about fetishes (sadomasochism, domination/submission, and male undressed/female dressed) than gender roles (which I'm sure are connected to fetishes as well). And believe it or not, there are many men out there who pay professional dominatrixes to do to them exactly what she was doing to you, or are in relationships with very dominant (both inside and outside the bedroom) women. So, there's quite a variety in what people want in a partner, and the best thing to do is to be yourself. And there are women interested in more passive guys (though not necessarily to the degree your 'cougar' was!)--after all, a big part of my attraction to my boyfriend is that he's a brainy, mellow guy who is on my level
-------------------- “I thank God I was raised Catholic, so sex will always be dirty.” --John Waters Posts: 205 | From: Bay Area, CA | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Wow the people on these forums never cease to amaze me. Both of the responses to my original post really helped to shed light on my experiences and make some sense of things. Excellent job, both of you!
As you've pointed out, this was most likely about fetishes and not about genuine role reversal, although that might have played some sort of role in this woman's coming to develop them. I suppose that we just weren't sexually compatible, and I'm now thankful that it was a one-night stand. (BTW, for all those impressionable youths reading this forum, my encounter took place in sober, sane, safe circumstances, and we both employed adequate protection and made sure that we were both informed about and ready for the possible consequences of a casual hookup.)
Posts: 82 | From: United States | Registered: Jun 2007
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