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Author Topic: what am i called??
hellokitty17
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Mk.. I HATE stereotypes, but I think these kinds of labels have become... idk, more *useful* in describing who/what you are in the, er, gay community.....

I want to know this...
Am I transexual, transgender, or WHAT if....

-I have NOT had a sex change but still fancy being a guy
-I AM very guy-ish considering I'm a girl
-I dress in guy's clothes most all of the time... I find girly frilly things to be revolting on me, personally....

Andd.... I was just wondering what I was. [Frown]

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what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

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Heather
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One thing to understand about people who are transgendered is that the way they feel isn't that they WANT to be the other sex, but that they strongly (very strongly) feel they ARE the other sex, simply that their biological bodies do not match their gender.

And there are plenty of transpeople who dress plenty of different ways: some transwomen, for instance, are pretty butch and wear trousers and jackets, too. Being transgendered doesn't mean one must or always does dress in any sort of gender binary.

Likewise, there are plenty of cisgendered people (people who feel their physical body -- not what they put on it, the body itself -- DOES match their gender identity) who aren't a gender binary, too, who don't feel comfortable dressing or behaving to meet current gender roles.

So, based on just what you're saying here, you might feel comfortable identifying as butch, or as genderqueer, but you could just as easily also ID as cisgendered: in other words, female. Heck, in the world I live in, I'd rather be a guy sometimes, too, my behaviour and personality in plenty of ways sure doesn't match a lot of female stereotypes, and I don't usually care for frilly stuff, either, and me, I'm plain old female.

(Regardless, gender ID and sexual orientation aren't the same thing, they're different. Because in a lot of queer community, more gender fluidity than usual is often more acceptable, discussion about gender may come up more often, but your gender ID, in most ways, really isn't about gay or queer community.)

That help you out?

[ 07-05-2007, 11:04 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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hellokitty17
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Uhh.... a lil. Lol.

But to add on to my list....
-I AM pretty much bi. lol. But idk why... I find it "low" of myself to date a guy, cause it feels like it conflicts WANTING to be a guy, if it makes any sense....
-I HAVE always felt a but like I should be a guy, and actually find it thrilling, almost, to be confused as a him, and yet also a bit afraid, too, cause people just laugh then....
-I find actually being called a girl/one of the girls/she/her degrading most times...


But... idk, it's just a bit confusing sometimes, cause sometimes I'm a lil afraid to like.. idk, embrace going further to, er, be a guy.

Call it afraid of hearing other people's snickering side comments and whatnot, but seriously I get afraid.... or maybe it's cause I've always held low self-esteem for me, I dunno.....

But... yeah, just kinda confusing. hahaha.

--------------------
what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

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Heather
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Again, though, I'm hearing you conflate orientation with gender identity.

It is not a male trait to be heterosexual. In other words, were you to only date guys, and were you also male, would not make you any less male. It would simply make you a homosexual male.

And again, lots of women find it degrading to be called a girl, especially since given that as girls and women, we are so often thought of and treated as lesser beings, in many ways right now (and historically) it IS degreding to be a girl.

For sure, gender IS confusing. But you really don't have to identify as anything but "me" if it's so confusing to you that no label feels right. Most labels really are very limiting, all of them (as you can even see just by how you yourself think of men and women) have some connotation for everyone to some degree, so they're often of pretty limited use, and often finding a label for yourself doesn't clear up that confusion much.

Should you reach a point where your gender identity is just really making you batty, then the smartest thing to do is to see a therapist who specializes in gender disorders and identity. But otherwise, it's just something you feel out as you grow into yourself: it's nothing that pressing for most people.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hellokitty17
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Aghh!!! All of this is so confusing.
Soo... would it be technically correct for me to call myself cisgendered, then?.. Cause that's what you're making it sound like. >.<;;;;;

--------------------
what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

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Heather
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Again, when that's the case and you are, there's no NEED to because calling yourself female (or woman, or womyn, or girl, or chick, or whatever you like that feels best for you -- if that isn't about being female, you can call yourself a boy or a boi or again, whatever YOU want to) IS being cisgendered.

There really aren't correct/incorrects here. Gender -- unlike biological sex -- is constructed, not essential. So, whatever YOU are most comfortable calling yourself, that would be the correct thing to call yourself.

But you may just be overthinking this right now. Again, that label isn't a requirement: is someone making you feel like it is?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hellokitty17
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Ehh... no one's making me feel like it, no....

But I was just curious cause, every day it feels like, I'm being more and more pressured to just come out and TELL my flippin sister I'm NOT the girly person she wants me to be. Every day she pressures me to wear dresses/do my hair/wear make-up/STOP being boy-ish....

She WANTS me to wear high-heels (I wear guys' sk8r shoes..), she WANTS me to stop wearing jackets/boy's clothes, and WANTS me to, well... be girlish.

(Chya... I even MAKE my voice more guy-ish and she makes fun of me for that....).

And... idk, every day I feel more and more like just TELLING her I'm not who she wants me to be, and that I CAN'T just be girly like her, and being a girl just doesn't FEEL right for me... (Then again, I hate dicks, too, so I guess I'd rather be nothing at all... just a PERSON, I guess, but identified as a him...).

And... every day that draws closer to me one day blurting out I CAN'T be flippin girly, I feel somehow I need a certain WORD to like describe what I am, or else she might laugh, or think I'm not knowing wth I'm talking about.... I WANT to sound like I know who I am/what I'm talking about, and... idk, I thought maybe being able to be labeled would help some, that's all... ^^;

--------------------
what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

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Heather
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What I think you really mean is that being a girl in the way SHE identifies as a girl, the way SHE defines being a girl isn't right for you.

Know what? That's the case with most people of most sexes/genders. Again, very limited gender roles and defintions fit very, very few people well. They do fit some, and others just feel that even if they don't fit, adhering to them is important.

But that doesn't mean you have to, nor does it mean you're transgender -- or anything other than YOUR kind of girl-that-you-are -- because what being a girl is for you is different than it is for her or anyone else.

It's also really normal to react very strongly and feel really resentful when people push gender roles on us. So, by all means: if your sister is being that intense, you have every right to tell her to lay the heck off of you.

If you want a word that she'll understand to tell her that is not what you want a very simple. "THAT is you, THIS is me," should do just fine. You don't need to justify that with anything at all, have some sort of easily definable condition...none of it. She just needs to understand that no matter who she's doing it to, it's seriously uncool and not okay to try and force someone to look, act or be someone they are not.

And you know, MOST people would prefer to just be treated and identified as people. Folks like your sister are out and about in the world to be sure, but there are more that aren't like her, really, than those who are.

You originally asked about having a term for the gay community, for instance, and the truth is that in most queer and gay community, as I explained, the need for a gender ID -- particularly one which reflects an absolute binary -- is actually far less than it is in some other communities. So, while I get that managing those kinds of pressures right in your house sucks (boy, do I), it might also help to take a breath and recognize that your sister isn't all there is: plenty of other folks you'll be around in your life aren't going to put you in this kind of position, don't care what the heck you wear or what the timbre of your voice is.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hellokitty17
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Mm.... well idk, also, hahhaa also cause I DO feel like I shouldn't be a girl sometimes... idk....

Like sometimes (mk, always) I pretty much cross-dress as a guy. Always.
Sometimes in my room I go as far as like... idk, stuffing my pants, also. [Frown]

I used to wish every birthday for me to suddenly, I guess, be a guy. ha! Some birthday wish. lol.

Soo.... I dunno. It's still all real confusing for me....

Last summer I came out as bi, but---again, my sister being a little, er, jerk--- said it was just me "admiring" girls. [Frown]
I guess that's a lil bit why I felt I had to justify myself (she won't take a simple answer; she needs the whole shishkabob {if that's even a comparison LOL}).

--------------------
what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

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hellokitty17
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Also... idk if this makes me any more or less of ANYTHING but pretty much always I draw myself/write about myself as a guy. Ehh... lil weird lol but even weirdER to make me as a girl. It never feels right, me like with long hair/a dress/ANYTHING lol somehow only right as like... a guy. lol.

--------------------
what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

Posts: 74 | From: BOBD | Registered: Jul 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Like I said, hellokitty, over time, these things will become clearer, and if you feel a profound gender confusion -- even without your sister's static -- that's got you in a real pickle, then by all means, seek out some counseling so you have someone to really help you work that out. There are counselors out there who do just that, and do that with the goal being YOU finding the gender ID that is YOURS, rather than trying to make you conform to someone else's ideas about gender.

But if you just need som,e nice big words to help you get your sister to be freaking quiet and leave you alone, then how about just telling her that while SHE clearly is or wants to be gendernormative and high femme, YOU, on the other hand are clearly NOT femme and clearly NOT gendernormative.

She might have to look up gendernormative and femme, so that should get her off your back for a little bit. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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hellokitty17
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Uhh.. I'll make her look those words up, I guess. *sigh*. Yeah.... WOULD get some counseling, too, but I go to a christian school and am NEVER allowed to leave the house/EVER able to be out of supervision's reach. [Frown]

--------------------
what makes the one to shake you down?
each touch belongs to each new sound
say now you want to shake me too
move down to me slip into you

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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This really sounds somewhat like what I'm going through. As someone who identifies as a het male, I sometimes look at guys, admiring them, and then I think "dude! no! that's gay!" ...which confuses me more, because I'm a biological female.

I hate writing about myself as a girl.

I hate drawing myself as a girl.

I've never heard another person say that too. thank you for that.

I think maybe we should email sometime or something and talk about these things, if you ever wanted to. like a guy to guy chat?

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"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

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Leabug
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(Unfortunately, we generally do not allow users to share e-mail addresses in order to protect their privacy. However, you guys are more than welcome to talk about these things here! [Smile] )

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Lea

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Bonnie.N.Clyde
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I wondered whether or not that was okay so I was hesitant to write it. Sorry about that [Smile]

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"And when everyone is super, no one will be."

-Syndrome, "THE INCREDIBLES"

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