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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » MEMBER-ONLY FORUMS » Village People » What the heck do these feelings mean?!?! (Page 3)

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Author Topic: What the heck do these feelings mean?!?!
*Jadie~Lou*
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Just been reading your posts (took me a while, lol) and I've been through pretty much exactly the same thing! (Sorry if its long!)

I've known my Hayley, my best friend pretty much forever, but about 5 years ago, I developed an *obsession* with her.

Anyways, for about a year she kept giving me what I thought were 'signals' but I pretty much gave up on anything ever happening as ..well to keep myself sane - (save myself the disappointment, right?) - as we spent pretty much every day together, and the constant analyzing of all the, what I thought were, signals were driving me crazy!

Then, 1 night Hayley was staying at my house. (we stayed at each others house pretty much every weekend/school holiday) When we were in bed, she asked me to tickle her back (We used to take turns tickeling each others backs until one of us ended up asleep) and she said, "do under my bra strap" and I told her no, because the strap was in the way. So, she reached under her pj top, un-clipped it, and said now it isnt. Now she had turned round and was watching me, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be falling asleep, but when I stopped tickling her back, she would nudge my arm, to make me start again. Then after about 15 mins, she asked me, "have you ever kissed a girl?" (she knew I had..) and I told her yea, (convo..)
H: What was it like?
J: IDK, like kissing a boy.. but with a girl.. I suppose (I'd never kissed a boy..)
H: Would you ever kiss me?
J: Wha..?!? *Eyes open and stare at her*
H: Well would you?
J: Urm.. *Thinks - God yes, please now!*
(This is were I start thinking - Is she actually serious?!?! - But, obviously, my brain says - no, dont be stupid..)
I'm still lying there, with my eyes closed, and she moves up right close to me so her chest was pushing into mine ( ) And I'm thinking to myself, *God, what are you doing, just say YES!!* but apparently, my brain stopped working..

Well, anyways she said, "Dont you like me?" I didnt say anything, just opened my eyes.. then she leans and kisses me, really quick, like its over in less than a second, and giggles. I'm just like *oh wow..* and she starts to get all playful, tickling my sides etc until I wriggled over to the side of the bed, and sat up against the wall, and I start to tie my hair back again, when she comes over to me, and sit/kneels over my legs, and lean and whispers "I thought you liked girls? Dont you want too?" then kissed me on the neck. Thats where my brain started working again.. I looked at her and said "Really?" She take off her top (! / !) and we start to make out.. And well you can guess the rest..

At about 5am (4 hours later! ) we took my blanket onto the veranda, because we're not allowed to smoke inside, and she said, "I cant believe we just done that" I didnt know what to say.. So didnt say anything, and we went back in, and went to sleep.

I thought that would of been the only / last time.. But the next night it happened again, and for about the next year. But we Never ever talked about it, it was ..strange.. Everything was normal between us, no awkwardness, we were just 'friends'.

After about 9/10 months, she started to like another guy, which made me *so* jealous, but I didnt say anything.. We never talked about what we did, so it was like it didnt happen or somthing.. it wasnt a 'relationship'. At the beginning I just put up with it, but after about 3/4 months I got *really* sick of her telling me about this guy she liked, and if he liked her etc etc, and one night, we were laying in bed, and she was playing with my hair, then went to kiss me, and I stopped her and said no. Then just turned around and pretended to go to sleep.. Nothings ever happened between us since, and for ages I couldnt believe I'd 'broken us up'. Since then, we've kinda 'grown apart' and we both have long-term Boyfriends and now I guess we see each other once, maybe twice a week.

Anyways.. This thing is SO long. I'd better shut up.. I hope things work out for you

xx

------------------
× [ × Jâdë × Løµïšè × ] ×


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*Jadie~Lou*
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[ Sorry about the *Multiple* posts.. My computers ..annoying..! ]

[This message has been edited by *Jadie~Lou* (edited 10-20-2005).]


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*Jadie~Lou*
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[Oops! ]

[This message has been edited by *Jadie~Lou* (edited 10-20-2005).]


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*Jadie~Lou*
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[oops]

[This message has been edited by *Jadie~Lou* (edited 10-20-2005).]


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*Jadie~Lou*
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[oops ]

[This message has been edited by *Jadie~Lou* (edited 10-20-2005).]


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*Jadie~Lou*
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[oops!]

[This message has been edited by *Jadie~Lou* (edited 10-20-2005).]


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*Jadie~Lou*
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[oops =/ ]

[This message has been edited by *Jadie~Lou* (edited 10-20-2005).]


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emochickie7
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Something about that post just seems strange..

Anyway.

Yesterday was fun. We hung out at my house and stuff and I don't know.. it just felt nice. The sofa I have is technically a loveseat, but it's wide enough that it could hold three. Instead of sitting on one side, like people normally do, she sat in the middle. Then we got up for a while and when it was time to sit down again, she had moved even further over to the side, so we were basically squished together.

Well.. I have to run! And I can't think of other stuff right now but I'll continue later!


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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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Well, here's another bit of an update...

Okay, this last Wednesday in art class (I wonder why it's always in there?..lol) Anyways, I was done with our last project and was matting it, so I was over at this one table cutting it. Brittany came over and stood pretty close to me and was like "I pulled my pants up high...do you like it?" (Don't ask me why she asked me that lol, cuz I have no clue.) Her pants weren't really high or nothing, but she had caught me off guard so I just turned and looked about where her belt buckle was. I didn't realize I was looking so long, but then I said "Yeah." that I liked them. She leans closer, and whispers kinda like and said "I knew you were a lesbian." My reaction at first was just like "What?!..." But then I had the best comeback and was like "...Psh! If I am, you are." We both started laughing and Brittany agreed and said "...Yeah, that's true."

Then, after school that day we stayed after school to go running and work out. Amanda wanted to come with us, and I would've been fine with it, you know, but Brittany said in 6th hour that she didn't really want Amanda to come with us and that it was just our time to exercise. *shrugs* Well, after school, we ran like a mile and a half, and I even told Brittany that I only did it for her, because I hate running and you'd never catch me doing that on my own. lol Anyways, when we got back to the school and went up to the weight room, Amanda was already up there waiting for us. We didn't feel like lifting much so we walked back out of the weight room and laid down on one of the gymnastics mats. Amanda was to my left, just kind of sitting there, and Brittany was to my right, laying on her back. At first I was laying on my back, but then I flipped over so I was on my stomach and me and Brittany were laying opposite...her feet by my head, etc. Then, we were talking to one of our guy friends and Brittany went to nudge me or whatever to tell me something and she ended up smacking my butt. lol I was just like 'What the...?' and she was like "sorry, I meant to hit your legs but I ended up hitting your butt." I was just like "yeah, yeah, whatever you say." lol Then, we got into the whole thing about if either one of us was a lesbian, then the other one would have to be one too. And then, our guy friend was like "well, when she touched your butt, you didn't object, so that means you must've liked it." I didn't know what to say. lol There wasn't much else besides just more joking around about that, and Brittany had said "Chrissy, if you were a guy, I would sooooo marry you."

I have to get ready for work now, so I'll have to finish what happened the next day at the football game, later.

------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~


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oldlady
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Hello everyone. i was surfing the net, looking for sexual confusion types of forums--things that i didn't have as resources when i was fifteen (ten years ago). somehow i came across this board in my search and became interested by what was being said on this particular board. i just want to say to iloveryan that i feel compelled to offer you my story (and to anyone else who might get something from it), because i never had anyone older or my age to kind of give me any sort of feedback. you have to understand that society has even gotten much further along since i was 15--i was 17 when ellen came out on her sitcom and that was THE controversy. ha ha
anyway, here's just a snippet of what i've experienced--hope it may be useful. during junior high, i was playing sports or i had my nose in a book, so i never really had much time for close girlfriends. when i was 15, this girl (the class clown and best athlete) and i started hanging out. i couldn't stand her from about 4th grade through 8th grade, so it was strange that we sort of bonded. we had this stupid humor or something, but we had NOTHING in common--i came from a loving family and was very studious, she came from a broken home (her mom left her father when she was 6 and didn't communicate with her until waltzing back into her life when she was almost 16). i wasn't sure what close girlfriends did, but she became my best friend because of her persistence--she would call me several times a day, write me notes in school, always wanted to hang out. there was just this strange connection...i just felt gravitated toward her. after awhile i started to feel something more for her, i think. when she touched me, i'd get that butterfly/nervous feeling in my stomach. but she started saying all this weird stuff to me: she said she was in a gang, that she did heroine, that a guy in our class raped her--all of this stuff that turned out to be pure lies. i felt betrayed because i couldn't understand why someone would feel the need to lie to me. so...in 10th grade, i really got into basketball and my teammates and basically grew away from this girl. the following 2 years, i barely associated with her. after graduation, i went to college and she joined the army. while she was stationed in korea, she would randomly call me--but by this time, i was in college, living the hetero life: going to frat parties, making out with boys, having a blast. through college, i lost touch with her as i continued to mature. and i was really then able to know what i wanted from my relationships and to judge how a person is feeling about me and who i can trust as friends--all that sort of good stuff that comes with age (in most people). i dated guys, had little crushes on girls (fell in love with one of my girlfriends, actually...--but i do not identify myself as anything but heterosexual. college is the time to experiment, but not at my little church college. but i digress with my original story...
anyway, a funny thing happened to me a couple of months ago. i got a random phone call from my first best friend of 10 years ago (the one that lied). when we were friends she would tell me how much she hated lesbians--well, she tells me that she is now gay. for some reason it wasn't a surprise to me--i knew it, deep down in my gut, when i was 15. well, i asked her what changed her mind about gays and she said that she was always gay and that i was her first same-sex infatuation. she proceeded to tell me that she still had feelings for me--after all of these years. the sad thing, though, is that i don't feel the same way anymore--i couldn't after all of her lies. i think she still lies and now she abuses alcohol and her anti-depressant meds. it would just be trouble to allow someone like her to enter my life again, having learned from my love relationships with boyfriends and same-sex crushes (yes, you still get them in college).

anyway, i hope this gives you all some insight into how things could happen further down the road in your lives (not that your crushes have the mental problems that mine does...ha ha). i didn't know how much she had felt about me--she claims that she lied to impress me when we were 15 and that she was totally in love with me...but i never knew because she never told me. she said that she was always trying to get me to go camping so she could get me alone and have at it with me. ha ha my advice is that there are two ways to look at it: see if your friend can be trusted and mature enough to just sit her down and casually ask, "hey, what's up with all these lesbian undertones in our conversation? do you wanna talk about it?" or even better and more casual: "i kind of feel like our friendship is special, like i have this connection with you that i don't have with any of the friends i've ever had. what do you think?" i think you should keep it as casual as possible, even though you are dying inside to express the full intensity of your feelings. the thing is, if you are picking up on these feelings, it could very well be that she's feeling something for you. and she probably is picking up on feelings from you--a woman's intuition is a very important thing to rely on. but be careful, because some people just want to have someone be infatuated with them, boy or girl--it doesn't matter. the girl i fell in love with in college was like that...she was just so flirty, and i think she just wanted love/attention from me. i was crazy about her and she had to have known, but she was too immature or just wanted that obsession from me.

well, that's it. sorry about the length. there's more to say, but i'll end it here. i wish you the best, iloveryan. i really hope that you get what you've been longing for. if not, just know that in even just the next 8 or 9 years of your life, you are going to have so many experiences with people, but you'll look back and kind of smile when you think of that great feeling you got when you were near your friend. and you'll be glad that you had that experience so that you knew what the feeling would be like the next time you fell in love.


Posts: 3 | From: Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oldlady
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all right, i had to explain myself a little further about my college love, just so that you would know the extent to which people will ignore the hints that you give them or selfishly relish in your complete love for them...

sorry, i know that the last post was long, but i'll try to keep it down and then i'll leave the postings up to you youngins. ha ha j/k (this is called nothing else to do on a sunday evening until cold case comes on)
okay, like i said before, my college years were mainly confined to hetero activity. but by my junior year, i was starting to become more aware of what I wanted, no matter what people thought. one night, i'm sitting at home on vacation and this movie called gia comes on HBO. i was just floored by how intense it was for me...i had never seen a movie about two women in love. well, i start to think: okay, i'm definitely attracted to guys but i've always felt more enamored emotionally with girls. so, i came to the conclusion that you don't need to identify yourself with an orientation: who you fall in love with is who you fall in love with, period.
during the spring of junior year, we picked up this awesome class of pledges in my sorority. i was the sorority jokester and i really impressed this one freshman pledge in particular with all of my shananigans. we start hanging out a lot. we find out we have muchos things in common, but i was still the cool junior to her.
during the summer, she sends me cards and drives 2 hours to see me when i have surgery. well, the beginning of my senior year rolls around and she moves onto my hall, diagonally across from me (while my 2 best friends who are seniors are next door). well, we just have a blast because there's all of us on this hall. we go out, drink in our rooms (even though we're not allowed)--it's a lot of fun. i start dating this guy and that's really special for me. my birthday rolls around and my boyfriend forgets my birthday--he's never around and he just sucks as a boyfriend. i have been disappointed by so many guys by this point that it isn't even funny. well, on my birthday, during thanksgiving break, the florist comes to my door. i think, "oh, he remembered." nope, it was a dozen yellow roses from this sorority girl. i start to get confused even though yellow means friendship. she starts buying me things and really making me feel special, something my boyfriend didn't. she wanders into my best friend's room when i'm not around and asks where i am all the time, if i'm not there (hey, it's nice to be missed). by feb. of senior year, i'm starting to realize that i'm having very strong feelings about her...my whole day starts to revolve around her, especially when she starts dating a guy. i'm always giving her back rubs, we're always having play fights, etc. we're just flirting all the freakin' time. and neither of us speaks AT ALL about our boyfriends/kissing other boys to each other...it's like forbidden territory, which is strange.
during spring break, i go to florida with my best friends. when i get back, she calls on her way to school and asks out of the blue if we can live together when we're older. later that week, we're pre-partying in her dorm room and she wants to take a picture of us pretending that we're making out, lying on her bed.

a couple of weeks later, we come back from a night of going out to a frat and she is standing in front of my high bed. my legs are dangling off the edge and she's right in front of me: she kisses me on the cheek, dangerously close to my mouth. as she leaves to go visit a guy in another dorm, she turns and says, "don't worry, he might have my body but you have my heart." then turns to go, but then says, "who knows, maybe one day you'll have that (meaning her body), too."

the rest of the time until graduation i spend rubbing her back constantly. i would stroke her hand while she lay in bed, and one afternoon we were lying next to each other with my arm around her, holding her hand, basically spooning. okay, folks--these are not the things that you do with even a close friend, especially when you're doing it with the door closed, by yourself. she'd joke around even and say, "oh, you're in love with me."

once i graduated, she'd call every day, but she just started to distance herself. at a graduation party for my one best friend (who knew about my feelings), my best friend's gay aunt noticed with her gaydar that there was definitely some sexual tension between this girl and i--and the aunt had never met us before. weird. she even drove 2 hours to bring me a basket of my favorite candy before i went on vacation for 3 weeks.

i was totally head over heels. i mean, i thought about her all the time. i'd go out looking for guys to date or make out with just to try to get her out of my system, but it never worked really...until i met my boyfriend of 1 year (we are no longer together). but she was still in college, doing her thing and basically starting to ignore me. i had been so depressed over her that i was constantly going out and drinking--which led to drunken dialing...bad, bad, bad. i even went to grad school 1500 miles from home to try to get her out of my system--yeah, a little extreme, but it worked. a couple of months ago, i finally thought, "what the heck, i'll just tell her." so, i gave her a very casual, short version of what i had felt for her in college--it was nowhere near what i had felt, but it was something. she didn't even remember telling me about the heart and body thing, something which i had held onto as something that i thought revealed what she truly felt. i held onto that scene for almost 3 years, people...and it turns out it meant nothing to her. maybe i just had rose-colored glasses on back then, but i don't know if she was being truthful 2 months ago...i think she did care about me or she was just too self-absorbed and wanted me to be obsessed about her without her getting involved with me. who knows? i mean, i gave her a 1000 hints...she had to have known.

anyway, that's my story. i guess it's a lesson that you should be careful on what you hang onto while you're in love with someone, especially a gal pal who identifies herself as straight, even though she might just be fooling herself (but i identify myself as straight, too, so that's a double whammy). but to tell you the truth, it might have just been that feeling of euphoria, knowing that i had this secretive love for her, that i really loved--perhaps it wasn't even her. we always want what we can't have, me especially. as for now, i haven't really heard from her--but that's how it was when i was living farther away. maybe i ruined what little friendship we had left, but i don't care--i feel as though i was finally able to let go of her because the ball was now completely in her court to do with whatever she wanted. i no longer have to think about what if i would have told her that night when she half-kissed me. she knows where to find me if she finally changes her mind, but i might have moved on by then, hopefully.

there, i'm done. hopefully someone can find this a little useful. good luck everyone!


Posts: 3 | From: Pittsburgh, PA, USA | Registered: Oct 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
oldlady
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all right, i had to explain myself a little further about my college love, just so that you would know the extent to which people will ignore the hints that you give them or selfishly relish in your complete love for them...

sorry, i know that the last post was long, but i'll try to keep it down and then i'll leave the postings up to you youngins. ha ha j/k (this is called nothing else to do on a sunday evening until cold case comes on)
okay, like i said before, my college years were mainly confined to hetero activity. but by my junior year, i was starting to become more aware of what I wanted, no matter what people thought. one night, i'm sitting at home on vacation and this movie called gia comes on HBO. i was just floored by how intense it was for me...i had never seen a movie about two women in love. well, i start to think: okay, i'm definitely attracted to guys but i've always felt more enamored emotionally with girls. so, i came to the conclusion that you don't need to identify yourself with an orientation: who you fall in love with is who you fall in love with, period.
during the spring of junior year, we picked up this awesome class of pledges in my sorority. i was the sorority jokester and i really impressed this one freshman pledge in particular with all of my shananigans. we start hanging out a lot. we find out we have muchos things in common, but i was still the cool junior to her.
during the summer, she sends me cards and drives 2 hours to see me when i have surgery. well, the beginning of my senior year rolls around and she moves onto my hall, diagonally across from me (while my 2 best friends who are seniors are next door). well, we just have a blast because there's all of us on this hall. we go out, drink in our rooms (even though we're not allowed)--it's a lot of fun. i start dating this guy and that's really special for me. my birthday rolls around and my boyfriend forgets my birthday--he's never around and he just sucks as a boyfriend. i have been disappointed by so many guys by this point that it isn't even funny. well, on my birthday, during thanksgiving break, the florist comes to my door. i think, "oh, he remembered." nope, it was a dozen yellow roses from this sorority girl. i start to get confused even though yellow means friendship. she starts buying me things and really making me feel special, something my boyfriend didn't. she wanders into my best friend's room when i'm not around and asks where i am all the time, if i'm not there (hey, it's nice to be missed). by feb. of senior year, i'm starting to realize that i'm having very strong feelings about her...my whole day starts to revolve around her, especially when she starts dating a guy. i'm always giving her back rubs, we're always having play fights, etc. we're just flirting all the freakin' time. and neither of us speaks AT ALL about our boyfriends/kissing other boys to each other...it's like forbidden territory, which is strange.
during spring break, i go to florida with my best friends. when i get back, she calls on her way to school and asks out of the blue if we can live together when we're older. later that week, we're pre-partying in her dorm room and she wants to take a picture of us pretending that we're making out, lying on her bed.

a couple of weeks later, we come back from a night of going out to a frat and she is standing in front of my high bed. my legs are dangling off the edge and she's right in front of me: she kisses me on the cheek, dangerously close to my mouth. as she leaves to go visit a guy in another dorm, she turns and says, "don't worry, he might have my body but you have my heart." then turns to go, but then says, "who knows, maybe one day you'll have that (meaning her body), too."

the rest of the time until graduation i spend rubbing her back constantly. i would stroke her hand while she lay in bed, and one afternoon we were lying next to each other with my arm around her, holding her hand, basically spooning. okay, folks--these are not the things that you do with even a close friend, especially when you're doing it with the door closed, by yourself. she'd joke around even and say, "oh, you're in love with me."

once i graduated, she'd call every day, but she just started to distance herself. at a graduation party for my one best friend (who knew about my feelings), my best friend's gay aunt noticed with her gaydar that there was definitely some sexual tension between this girl and i--and the aunt had never met us before. weird. she even drove 2 hours to bring me a basket of my favorite candy before i went on vacation for 3 weeks.

i was totally head over heels. i mean, i thought about her all the time. i'd go out looking for guys to date or make out with just to try to get her out of my system, but it never worked really...until i met my boyfriend of 1 year (we are no longer together). but she was still in college, doing her thing and basically starting to ignore me. i had been so depressed over her that i was constantly going out and drinking--which led to drunken dialing...bad, bad, bad. i even went to grad school 1500 miles from home to try to get her out of my system--yeah, a little extreme, but it worked. a couple of months ago, i finally thought, "what the heck, i'll just tell her." so, i gave her a very casual, short version of what i had felt for her in college--it was nowhere near what i had felt, but it was something. she didn't even remember telling me about the heart and body thing, something which i had held onto as something that i thought revealed what she truly felt. i held onto that scene for almost 3 years, people...and it turns out it meant nothing to her. maybe i just had rose-colored glasses on back then, but i don't know if she was being truthful 2 months ago...i think she did care about me or she was just too self-absorbed and wanted me to be obsessed about her without her getting involved with me. who knows? i mean, i gave her a 1000 hints...she had to have known.

anyway, that's my story. i guess it's a lesson that you should be careful on what you hang onto while you're in love with someone, especially a gal pal who identifies herself as straight, even though she might just be fooling herself (but i identify myself as straight, too, so that's a double whammy). but to tell you the truth, it might have just been that feeling of euphoria, knowing that i had this secretive love for her, that i really loved--perhaps it wasn't even her. we always want what we can't have, me especially. as for now, i haven't really heard from her--but that's how it was when i was living farther away. maybe i ruined what little friendship we had left, but i don't care--i feel as though i was finally able to let go of her because the ball was now completely in her court to do with whatever she wanted. i no longer have to think about what if i would have told her that night when she half-kissed me. she knows where to find me if she finally changes her mind, but i might have moved on by then, hopefully.

there, i'm done. hopefully someone can find this a little useful. good luck everyone!


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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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First of all I want to say thanks to: bebsangel, *Jadie~Lou*, and oldlady for sharing their own stories and advice. It's nice to hear other people's point of view on things and how they handled their own situations.

Second of all, I'm having kind of an 'off' day today. You know, the kind where all you feel like doing is basically nothing but sulk and mope around all day. Wednesday night I stayed over at Brittany's and it was a good time. We rented the movie 50 First Dates and we had stayed up in her attic just talking for a while after that. Her little sister was always around us so we couldn't talk about much or anything. But either way, it was just nice. We didn't have school on Thursday or Friday because of Halloween or w/e and I had hoped to do something on Friday because other times I had to work, but ended up doing nothing. That was just a downer right there. Then yesterday (Saturday) I had to work 8am to 4pm and I brought along an outfit to wear after work, pajamas and all that nice stuff in hopes of staying over some where (preferably Brittany's). I had called Brittany up and mentioned that the movie Just Like Heaven was playing in the theater. She said "we should go see it." Then, she said she'd call me back later or something when she knew more about what was going on. She called me back at around 5:30ish and said she didn't really feel like going to a movie. She was maybe thinking about renting one, but didn't really know. It was really messed up. We talked later at around 7 and she was reading me things from her Seventeen Magazine. I was listening to her just talk away, like usual. I didn't care though, I like hearing her voice. But then, she was reading this one thing to me and I hadn't known what it was. Like if it was from a song or if someone had said it, so I innocently asked, "what was that again?" and she snapped back with, "were you even listening!?" ...Anyways, we finally ended up going back to her house to watch a movie that we rented. Afterwards, I didn't feel like I was wanted there to stay overnight. Maybe her mom and dad would've been fine with it, along with her brother and sister, but Brittany just seemed 'distant'. I don't know. We were sitting in her livingroom for a bit and then she just ran upstairs to her room. I didn't want to follow right behind but I figured 'maybe she wants me to follow' so I waited a minute or two and went up to her room. She was just finishing putting her pajamas on and she sat on her bed to read her magazine. I sat down on this little stool thing next to the bed and tried looking at it with her. She was reading this one part in it about religion and how now-a-day's teens are making better decisions or w/e because of God. Well, as she was reading them off, one of them was how much percent of teens believe that gay marriage should be legalized or something. She right away shook her head and was like "nope, uh uh." That hurt right there. Then, I figured I'd first casually see if she even wanted me to stay over without having to actually ask, by saying "what time is it?...Cuz I should probably get home." or something like that and if she'd say anything like "but I thought you were staying in town." then I'd know it'd be fine, but when I said that, I got nothing. Just a little "Yeah, 'cuz you only got like 10 minutes to make it home before midnight." I left soon after and cried all the way home.

And all night and most of today I've been thinking I should just tell her how I feel. Because if I told her and she did have feelings for me, I'd know and we could talk about it. Whatever. If I'd get completely rejected, then at least I would know for sure and be able to begin the healing process and try to get over it. All I know is I don't think I can go on, just knowing how I feel about her, and having to keep it a secret all bottled up. Because it's constantly, 'she has to feel the same way' or the heartrenching feeling like 'nope. there's no way.' And that constant up-down rollercoaster thing of emotions is too hard to handle. I don't know what else to do anymore. I think I know what's going on but that's only because it's too hard for me to accept the fact that I have no clue whatsoever. If anyone has any advice for me, please let me know. There's one thing I do know though, if I were to tell her, it would have to be person to person, because I owe it to her and myself to say it out loud instead of in a letter...note...on the phone.

------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~


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emochickie7
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Well.. I actually do have a small update. Tonight my friend and I were at school to see a play. After it was over, we were walking around backstage and I was afraid to trip on something so I grabbed her arm.. she ended up moving her hand to mine and holding it. As I got up to her she linked arms with me and we were standing like that while we talked to other people and stuff.. but I moved my hand out of hers pretty quickly because I was just worried that people might look at us weird. Then a few minutes later (while we still had our arms linked) she grabbed my hand again. And once again I casually pulled it out after a few seconds. Then she just pretended like she was slowly/gently high fiving me.

Does she even realize what she's doing? Lol.. It seems like every time something happens.. it's while we are on the stage/on the side of the stage/other things related to the theater stage.

Yeah.. that's about it.. hope I was worth your time!


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emochickie7
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Well.. tonight I went to a concert with 2 of my friends, one of them being the one that all my other posts refer to. At one point, we were going across a group of people and she was behind me, so I reached for her arm. Then we sort of slid hands and ended up holding hands. And then I felt her fingertips moving/gently pushing into the spaces between my fingers. So I finally just spread my fingers apart and it was a whole intertwined fingers thing.

Does she just do this for fun or something? -.- Color me even more confused.


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aliyeva87
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I was involved with a girlfriend was when I was 16-17. We are still friends but we both like boys and didn't want to limit each other's options so now we're just good friends.

But with us, there was not months and months of build-up, it happened very suddenly when we were in her room changing out of our soccer uniforms. After she was naked and I was mostly naked as well, she surprised me by sitting down on her bed and asking if I wanted to sit by her and talk. Coming from a Muslim country (Azerbaijan) I was pretty naive I guess. Anyway, she told me she loved me and wanted us to be closer. Well by the end of the night we had done everything possible for two girls to do.

It sounds like you (ryansecrest) are waiting much too long to make a move, it's obvious she wants something to happen so seize the moment.


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aliyeva87
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[duplicate post]

[This message has been edited by aliyeva87 (edited 11-12-2005).]


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aliyeva87
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[duplicate post]

[This message has been edited by aliyeva87 (edited 11-11-2005).]


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aliyeva87
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[duplicate post]

[This message has been edited by aliyeva87 (edited 11-11-2005).]


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rukn540
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quote:
Originally posted by ILoveRyanSeacrest29:
Well, here's another bit of an update...

Okay, this last Wednesday in art class (I wonder why it's always in there?..lol) Anyways, I was done with our last project and was matting it, so I was over at this one table cutting it. Brittany came over and stood pretty close to me and was like "I pulled my pants up high...do you like it?" (Don't ask me why she asked me that lol, cuz I have no clue.) Her pants weren't really high or nothing, but she had caught me off guard so I just turned and looked about where her belt buckle was. I didn't realize I was looking so long, but then I said "Yeah." that I liked them. She leans closer, and whispers kinda like and said "I knew you were a lesbian." My reaction at first was just like "What?!..." But then I had the best comeback and was like "...Psh! If I am, you are." We both started laughing and Brittany agreed and said "...Yeah, that's true."

Then, after school that day we stayed after school to go running and work out. Amanda wanted to come with us, and I would've been fine with it, you know, but Brittany said in 6th hour that she didn't really want Amanda to come with us and that it was just our time to exercise. *shrugs* Well, after school, we ran like a mile and a half, and I even told Brittany that I only did it for her, because I hate running and you'd never catch me doing that on my own. lol Anyways, when we got back to the school and went up to the weight room, Amanda was already up there waiting for us. We didn't feel like lifting much so we walked back out of the weight room and laid down on one of the gymnastics mats. Amanda was to my left, just kind of sitting there, and Brittany was to my right, laying on her back. At first I was laying on my back, but then I flipped over so I was on my stomach and me and Brittany were laying opposite...her feet by my head, etc. Then, we were talking to one of our guy friends and Brittany went to nudge me or whatever to tell me something and she ended up smacking my butt. lol I was just like 'What the...?' and she was like "sorry, I meant to hit your legs but I ended up hitting your butt." I was just like "yeah, yeah, whatever you say." lol Then, we got into the whole thing about if either one of us was a lesbian, then the other one would have to be one too. And then, our guy friend was like "well, when she touched your butt, you didn't object, so that means you must've liked it." I didn't know what to say. lol There wasn't much else besides just more joking around about that, and Brittany had said "Chrissy, if you were a guy, I would sooooo marry you."

I have to get ready for work now, so I'll have to finish what happened the next day at the football game, later.



I just stumbled across this forum and became intreagued with your situation and am now on pins and needles as to what has happened since your last post..lol. So, whats up!!!!

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rukn540
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So what has happened since your last post,ILoveRyanSeacrest29? Your keeping us on pins and needles - what's up?

------------------
FNT


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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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Wow. I haven't been here in a while... Don't worry I haven't forgotten about it and all of you that have replied. Sorry about the pins and needles. lol

Good and bad news I guess. The good news: I'm 98% sure now that Brittany feels the same way about me as I do about her (kind of, like only to a point). The bad news: I'm also 98% sure that she still is against the whole homosexual idea, so basically, she's gonna just keep it to herself and not want to go any further in our relationship than just realllllllly close best friends.

But HONESTLY we flirt constantly! Like if she said all the things she says to me...to a guy...it'd be unbelievable. And I'm learning to try to be more quick thinking and return the favors basically and flirt back. But to a couple of my friends, I wonder if we come across as "too close." My one friend Levi was walking with us to lunch just the other day and I told Brittany I had another surprise for her. (Lately I've been just thinking of the littlest things and saying I have a surprise for her...this time it was because the other day she said my legs were hairy [we joke about that all the time] so I shaved and was going to show her) Well, she asked me if I added these certain songs to my iPod, and I was like 'oh yeah, that too. and I put another one on there that you soooo have to listen to.' Well, Levi was fascinated by us I guess and was like "you too are so cute...are you in love?"...but she always says stuff like that lol that's just her personality. But I noticed Brittany totally ignored the question and I just smiled and was like "nah.." and laughed it off. Plus, then my other friend Andrea has been joking around about me and Brittany. Like as if we're "together." Oh well...

But anyways...I spose you're wondering how I think Brittany feels the same way...? Okay. So you don't? Well I'm gonna tell ya anyways. lol It's basically a whole jumble of things going on recently and things she's said and done but this one night at one of our school's hockey games, I wrote "I <3 U" in the fogged up glass. She wrote "I <3 U 2". and we went back and forth like that for awhile and then she wrote "I <3 U more than U <3 me." I had an argument now...lol So I was like, "Nope. I pretty much guarantee that I'm 99.9999% sure I heart you more than you heart me." She continued to argue the opposite. Also, for Valentine's Day she gave me a card and wrote all these little tidbits in it and my favorites were "I'll keep you my dirty little secret! jk", "If you were a guy I'd so ask you to be my Valentine!", and "I <3 you more than Shaun White, Clay Aiken, and 22"...22's a code name for this guy she's been like in love with so for her to finally say something like that...means so much you have no idea. Like she says that '22' feels like "the one"...well if she <3's me more than that...yeah.

Another quick couple of things just cuz I like repeating them. Recently, Brittany was thinking it was a possibility she might have mono and I was saying how I don't want to get it...Her response: "No kissing then!" *laughs* My response: "I'll try not to." *more laughs* Just today as I was driving her home and we were talking about what this one guy had said to her as a "make his move kind of pickup line" before he leaned in and started making out with her (it was something to do with a decorative bunny in the corner of her living room) I was like, "honestly, that's not something to say to get someone you like to make out with you. If I was him I would've come up with something much better than 'that's a cool bunny in that corner.'" Brittany's response: a quiet little "I know." She's also made a habit of laying her head on my shoulder when we're close (aka...mostly when watching movies in her attic). OMG I love that feeling! We also have made it a habit to show each other our Victoria's Secret underwear. She especially loves to show me her black ones with the pink polka dots all over and little pink bow on the front. *smiles* Whenever one of us shaves our legs we make an event about it and feel each other's legs for smoothness. We also kind of began this whole thing where if one of us get's hurt the other will ask "do you want me to kiss it?" and then does. I cut my finger and she kissed it like 3 times. She had to have a shot in her arm and I kissed that. One time she joked about me kissing this bruise on her upper upper inside thigh from a floor hockey puck. I didn't end up doing it though. She joked too much so then I did right back.

Anyways, I'll try to keep you all posted more often, if you're even interested anymore...

------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~

Every minute I spend with you, I hope,
I'll say these words before I choke. - Me


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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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OMGosh! Quick other thing! I began having feelings for Brittany last February...so you know what that means? It's been like a whole year that I've felt this way for her... That's so crazy. And I've kept it a secret this whole time...for the most part anyways. lol But not on here.

------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~

Every minute I spend with you, I hope,
I'll say these words before I choke. - Me


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emochickie7
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Wow I thought this board has disappeared!

Thanks for the update! It's still interesting to me.

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emochickie7
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I don't know if you remember but around September, I had posted on here how our friendship was getting weird. And I had always had it in the back of my mind that she wanted to pull away from me because she was worried about what other people think.

Well... today I was talking with another one of my best friends, who also sees the other friend a lot. Apparently she was thinking about my situation with my friend last night for some reason (my other friendship has been in trouble for quite a while.. so it's a popular topic of discussion for me). And she said that we might be having trouble because of 2 reasons:

1. Last year we had all of our classes together, so it was easy to keep in touch and stuff. But this year we don't see each other too often.
~OR~
2. Around the beginning of the year, people (mainly this guy that she used to have a crush on) used to make fun of us and say we were lesbians. I didn't really take it to the heart, but maybe she did. She started to drift away from me and all of a sudden seem to be extremely boy-crazy. Maybe she (unconsciously OR consciously) didn't want other people to think that or was afraid that she was somehow "becoming" a lesbian and wanted to stop herself.

For the past few months, I barely see her. I try to make the most of it when we are together though. When we're alone, everything seems to go back to how it used to be. If we're with a few close friends, things get a little distant. And when we're at school.. it's as if we had never been close to begin with. I've been trying to talk to her about stuff and I feel bad because it seems like I'm just being really annoying, but losing a good friend isn't something worth keeping my pride over. But now, more than ever, I think that maybe that IS the reason why things have been weird. Maybe it really hasn't been me pushing her away.. maybe she has been slowly getting away from me. Maybe all of my efforts aren't failing - maybe she is just too worried to completely "come back" to me. And if that whole lesbian thing IS the reason, I think it's completely dumb.

I have the urge to ask her, but I doubt she would be honest if that was one of the thoughts on her mind. She'd probably just get mad that I even thought that. Argh.

[ 04-11-2006, 04:54 PM: Message edited by: emochickie7 ]

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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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WOW. I remember I always wrote on here but then other things in life began using my time to let it all out on here, even after I told myself I'd keep writing. I figured I would continue more if I knew people were reading also, and I never got an email saying someone replied so I never checked back I guess. But I just re-read this whole conversation in the last hour or so.

Emochickie, sorry for not replying sooner. I remember I saw you online not too long ago and wanted to talk, but you were 'away' and didn't reply. Oh well, anyways, that does seem kind of dumb if the lesbian thing was what was keeping your friend from wanting to spend so much time with you. Sometimes I wonder if Brittany is afraid someone will notice something so she doesn't want to do anything with me. But then I wonder if maybe, just like any regular person, she just needs some space. Take today for example: I hadn't talked to her since last night, and when I tried calling today her mom said she was umpiring a softball game, but said she'd have her call me. Well, she never called and I figured I just wouldn't call again for today. Just give "us" a short break. Sometimes it helps for whatever reason. It keeps her mood swings to a minimum. But anyways. It's been about two months since your last post...so has anything happened since then? Good or bad, I'd like to know.

Well, for me, different things have happened. Lots actually.
-- After going to "Failure to Launch" the beginning of Aprilish I think, I was driving her home and we were both quiet, but as I was almost to her driveway she says, ""How come you're not a guy Chrissy?..."
Me - "Uh...--"..."Why?"
B - "Not that I'm a lesbian or anything, but..."
I don't know, it was just weird like neither one of us needed to say anything else, even tho I ended up regretting not saying anything substantial after that.
-- Prom: was awesome. Both me and Brittany regret not taking enough pictures with each other. We only have one good one with just us two in it and it's after prom at our friend's house, when we're sitting on this one circle chair. It's really cute. But yeah. That night was amazing. If it wasn't for our one friend (who's house we were staying at) following us whereever we went, I'm pretty sure, something may have happened. There was a lot of sitting on me, touching me, just a lot of everything. Okay, one of her guy friends that she used to like months(!) back had, at one party, asked her if she wanted to take a "walk" and ended up fingering her and making out in someone's vehicle. Well, I was soooo waiting to just ask her if she wanted to go for a "walk" and see if she took any implication I might have made and go outside with me, but I was afraid someone would follow and yeah. But we just ended up staying up until around 5:30am and ended up sleeping on a couch upstairs together. 69 kind of position. lol But it just had this whole "sweet and cute" atmosphere to the whole thing.
-- Then around Mid...May I want to say. We were invited to the same house we stayed at during Prom night with Amanda and her boyfriend. Well, Brittany's been getting annoyed by Amanda lately and so have I, plus me and Brittany got into this whole big yelling argument over this new guy she had liked named Wes and I knew he was only using her the one time they ever did anything but she still refused to see that. Well, I could tell both of us were about ready to cry, like we were just going at it, but then Brittany made some excuse that she wanted to get going and on our way back to her house, I said I was sorry for saying all that stuff about Wes, even though I do believe it. She said it was okay. She didn't have to be home until midnight and we got to her house around 11:10 and just ended up talking in my vehicle for like 50 minutes. We talked about the whole Wes thing, and how she is trying to get over him, and then we ended up taking pictures of each other. The light wasn't good in my vehicle so at 12am we decided to go into her house. Everyone was asleep, so we were just really quiet, but took pictures of each other and I have this mini little video camera thing and I began video taping Brittany. It ended up being an 11 minute 41 second video of pure randomness, but during that I had asked Brittany what her deepest darkest secret was. She started out saying these two really dumb things that I think she just made up, and then out of the blue she turned around and stood right across from me leaning on her kitchen table...
B: "No, my deepest darkest secret is that I love someone." (The most sincere voice I've ever heard. Ever.)
Me: "Aww."..."Who?"
B: (Ignoring my last question) "And I'd give anything, for that person."
Me: What does this person's name start with?"
B: (No hesitation, mind you.) "A C."
Me: (Shocked voice.) "A C!?"
(both laughing)
B: Just kidding Chrissy.
Me: I thought it was an M.
B: Nope.
Me: It's a C?
B: Yep.
(pure silence with just her and I staring at each other. talk. about. awkward.)
Me: Holy silence.
B: I'm out of words to say I guess.
-- For her birthday, she had this one family get-together party at her house on the Saturday before her birthday. Well, she began watching A Walk To Remember really late with her cousins and I, so when the clock in her livingroom said 12:00 exactly, I turned to her and was like, "I know I already told you this today, but 'Happy Birthday'." She told me thank you and it was a genuinely sweet moment.
-- One night, May 25th exactly, after some school thing her and I and a couple friends went to hang out at Culver's (A restaurant if you don't know). And we all were squished into this one booth and I was right next to this one guy and my leg kept itching, either that or I was just nervous so I just touch my legs when I'm fidgeting and I was like "sorry, there I go touching your leg again." Well Brittany kept hearing me say that, and was like "Jeez, what are ya doin' under there?" And she starts rubbing. My. Leg. Under the table and she didn't stop even after I repeatedly took my hand and physically removed her hand because I just kind of hate it when I have to try to cope with the things she does in front of other people. Well, someone took notice and was like, "what's going on under there?" And pretty soon we had the other girls at the other table looking at us too. It was kinda funny actually. Well, then when we went to leave, I outstretched my legs over where Brit had been sitting and when she was up, she turned around to see me still sitting and reached out her arms to help me up and was like "Ready, Honey?" My reply: "Of course, Honey."

[ 06-14-2006, 02:08 AM: Message edited by: ILoveRyanSeacrest29 ]

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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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Finishing in second post because I wasn't sure how long this board could handle my *whole* post. lol.

-- Well, then one night at the end of May, at the same guy's house that we stayed at for Prom, there was a bon fire and there weren't enough chairs so Brittany told me to sit on her lap. I did and the whole time she was rubbing my legs and just holding me close. It was nice. Well, during this whole ordeal one of the guys was like, "Are you two lesbians?...Not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just curious." Brittany didn't say a word. I suck at the whole confrontation or whatever you call it type of thing and just said that we weren't. The girls were staring at us the whole time. Ha Ha. Oh well, anyways then, we were playing Sardines where someone hides and then everyone goes to find them, and the last person to find everyone loses and is the next to hide by themselves. Well we played that for a while and later then, Brittany asked me to go hide with her. I said I would so we went off and hid together. We chose this one tree and the grass was damp, so what does she say as we're crouched down? "Chrissy. Hiding here is making me wet." My only response: "It's making me wet too." Well, we were both out of breath and could not control our breathing and I was almost hoping no one would come find us so we could just hide together alone for a while. Well, that's all that really happened that night.
-- Well, more recently, like early this June, we had gone "Moonlight" bowling. Well, it was all going great. We were slapping each other on the butt when we would go to bowl. At least until the main boss guy told us he didn't have a problem with us having fun but he wanted us to stop the butt smacking thing because he was afraid someone might get hurt. We did stop that whole thing and then pretty soon, I had stolen Brittany's seat and so she just sat on my lap. It was great. I had this hole in my jeans and I don't even think she realized she was touching it, until I mentioned it. Well, then she started tickling both knees and pretty soon she was like 'grinding' on my lap and I was just thinking "oh god." and then she had stopped and kind of leaned back and turned slightly to look at me and she started rubbing my right leg and I go completely numb and then it was my turn to bowl so I said, "Sorry, but I'm gonna have to get up soon." She gave me this look like she just wants me to stay sitting...and then I don't know what happened, if maybe she thougth I wasn't interested or what, but then, she hardly even talked to me after that. Instead? She starts flirting with this guy named Patrick and I just got this really sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. It honestly felt like I was going to be sick. To just see her being content with someone else. Later I come to find out that Patrick wants to go out with Brittany, but she says if that ever happens she wants to get to know him better first. Before she goes and does anything drastic with him before hand.
-- Well, in relation to the last event, just this last Saturday, I was at another bon fire at the same guy's house with Brittany and all our other friends. Well, as soon as Patrick got there, it was like I wasn't needed. I've never felt so forgotten. We went inside because it got so cold outside, and began watching a movie. I figured, whereever I chose to sit, as long as there was room for Brittany, she would sit by me, like she always has. Did she? Of course not. It was like I wasn't even in the same room and she sat close next to Patrick. The same sick feelings came back. Jealousy's a bitch. Seriously. Well, Patrick is such an annoying dumbass (pardon my french) but he just kept picking on this one other kid that was there by throwing a tennis ball at his nuts. Well, the other kid tried to get him back numerous times but kept missing so I decided I'd try. I just whipped it at him in complete anger and frustration among other things, and totally missed his nuts, but grazed his neck. He like freaked out in his usual whimpy way and was like "what the hell?" I kept throwing it at him, but everytime I missed his nuts. I just kept cocking him off, and each time I knew I was risking the fact that I might piss Brittany off and leave her not speaking to me, but at that point I was like "What would the difference be?!" I honestly didn't even care. He chucked it back at me one of the times but I caught it and it didn't even hurt remotely. Well, then Patrick was trying to hurt the other kid that he was picking on before, by jumping on all of us on that same couch. He landed on me and I was so furious I just thrust my feet in the air, and sent him flying in the air back on the ground. All the rest of the guys were like, "Nice one." But I honestly didn't even realize I used that much force. I couldn't control my actions at that point. Pretty soon someone barely "touched" Patrick in the eye and he got all pissy and looked like he was crying so everyone's like "Aww Patty's hurt, why don't you cry about it?" He said he was and then everyone stopped goofing off until Patty was better, and then it was like "game on!" all over again. Well, then we all decided to go outside by the fire again and Brittany sat by Patrick again. Even when there was a big open space to the left of me, she scooted her chair right next to Patrick's. Then the guys thought it'd be funny to send fire crackers at each other and a couple landed by me and my friends. Well, I didn't even move, when everyone else jumped out of the way, I just sat there almost thinking, if one of them hurts me, let it, then maybe Brittany will finally see how immature Patty is. Well, I just grew into this non talkative state of lonely depression and just stared at the fire for the rest of the night. Pretty soon Patty left and I didn't even look at him when he said Bye. Brittany wanted to know why I hated him so much and I told her I never said I hated him. But my only excuse that I told her on our way home was that I was sure he was just in it for a piece of ***. She said that she's realized that it seemed as if every guy she's ever liked, I've always grown to hate right away. I knew the real reason why that was but my only answer, was that "they all wanted one thing." Well, she told me that Patrick hasn't ever done anything to make me hate him yet, and she said that nothing will ever happen between them two unless she spends a lot more time with him and ends up dating him. Well, then through all the awkward silence, arguing and everything she said something about me giving Pat a chance. "We'll still love each other." I just broke out of my 'state' and looked at her, but I wasn't sure what she was really getting at that and didn't take it any further. As soon as she got out and closed the door, I broke down. I bawled and bawled. I didn't even want to go home. I've never *not* cared so much in my life. I took the long way home and as soon as I got there I didn't say a word to my mom and just went to bed crying. Then, the next night, on Sunday, I went to her house after work and we rented a movie. Before we began watching it I asked her little sister how old she was and she said 13 so I told her it was PG-14. Brittany tried backing me up as if she wanted it to be just us watching the movie, but her sister stayed anyway. Well, that night I made a decision. I'm going to tell Brittany "something." Because we need to resolve something, because I'd rather almost get rejected all at once and try to fix that than go through this whole summer and probably our last school year together fighting all the time and me being bitter towards a guy that I have no *real* reason to "hate" except for some reason that I keep hidden deep down inside. Well, I sent her a text message that said, "Okay, I feel like a coward and just really lame for texting you this, but anyways just remind me to tell you the real reason I was mean to Pat. If you care to know. Call me?" She hasn't gotten it yet which might be a sign but I don't care. You know what I'm going to tell her, my real reason was? I'm going to tell her that I don't hate Patrick. Because I don't. I'm going to tell her that I'm afraid of him. I'm going to tell her that I'm afraid if she starts spending so much time around Patrick, she'll forget about me. Because that's how I honestly feel. Maybe this is the time she'll finally feel she can bring up any feelings she may have for me. If not, maybe I'll just find the courage to tell her everything. No matter how she takes it...even if she's dead set against it. I'm almost positive we can work it out to still come out as friends. I honestly believe our relationship has come that far. I told my mom about *all* of this and she asked me if I really wanted to tell her everything. I told her I figured I'd rather tear the bandaid off in one quick jerk than a long slow painful pull. She says she thinks she understands and thinks my idea might actually work out. Well, seeing as I'm not sure when you all will reply to this, I'm just going to do it the next time I get a chance, (I promise) and I'll let you know how it turns out. I may need some support the next time I log on...either that I'll be ready to celebrate. Either way...I'll be sure to let you know. Talk to you then. Goodnight!

[ 06-14-2006, 01:45 PM: Message edited by: ILoveRyanSeacrest29 ]

--------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~

Every minute I spend with you, I hope,
I'll say these words before I choke. - Me

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emochickie7
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Well, my friendship with my friend looks like it may be COMPLETELY over. I don't even know how to put into words how upset I am, but I can't do anything now.
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helpimconfuzzled
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wow this thread has really interested me. i spent the last 30 minutes reading it all, i think that what you and Brittany may have is really sweet, I wish I had that with my friend,
Emochickie, im here, tell me about it.
x x

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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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quote:
Originally posted by emochickie7:
Well, my friendship with my friend looks like it may be COMPLETELY over. I don't even know how to put into words how upset I am, but I can't do anything now.

Emochickie...you can tell us. We're here for you when you need us.

--------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~

Every minute I spend with you, I hope,
I'll say these words before I choke. - Me

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emochickie7
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Thank you, ILoveRyan. [Smile] Although, I'll probably just wait to tell you most of this on MSN because I'm becoming paranoid about someone I know finding this. I know it's stupid but yeah... lol.

Well, we got into a big argument once again the other day, and once again I was the one who brought it on, except this time she just stopped talking to me. I have had a lump in my throat for the past week because there's no way to deal with this except either completely lose hope and forget about it, or try to stay really willing to do whatever it takes to get things back to normal. And either one is hard, considering the situation. Gah.

Any more updates from you? It may sound pathetic or weird to other people, but hearing that things are going well in your life makes me happy. [Smile]

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ILoveRyanSeacrest29
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Hey finally...

I figured I'd leave the rest of you (if you even care lol) an update, because I know emochickie has already heard about most of this on msn last night. [Smile]

Anyways, about that text message I sent Brittany...Well, I wasn't sure she had even gotten it, because it never said it was delivered on my phone, but then one day we got to talking about our cellphones or something and I mentioned her not getting my text, and she just said she had. I'm still not even sure if that means she read it or not, but at the time, her tone of voice and the way she said it made me think she just didn't want to know the real reason I was mean to Patrick. Then, a day or two later, I had called her on my break and when she said hello and she knew it was me she almost sounded disappointed. I don't know. It was weird. So then after that I just started thinking... Who calls all the time? I do. How do I even know if Brittany even wants to talk to me. So I went on this rebellion thing in my head for about 3 days where I told myself I couldn't call her. If she wants to talk...she'll call me.
Then, on Monday night my other best friend Joni had called me up and wanted to do something like go swimming at the lake and I told her all about not talking to Brittany for a couple days and she asked me if we were fighting. I told her that we weren't, but I just wanted to see if she even cares to talk to me and I told her about the Patrick thing. Well, it wasn't about 10 minutes after I hung up with Joni, Brittany called my cell phone. We talked and talked and I told her I had gotten my haircut that day and she sounded all excited and told me that she really wanted to see me and asked what I was doing. Well I ended up inviting her to the lake with us, and her first question..."Who's all going to be there?" I just told her I didn't really know...because I knew where she was going with that. (Patrick) Well, I picked her up and we went to the lake. It ended up being only me, her, Joni, her boyfriend, Amanda, and her boyfriend. Brittany saw that Patty wasn't there so she called him and he said he didn't really know if he wanted to because he'd have to leave to get up early for work the next morning. Well, she just told him to come with Ian (the guy who's house we always go to for bonfires and also likes me). We were all having a blast, just talking and having fun over by this huge rock in the water and swimming around and acting like idiots. lol Well, then who decided to finally show up? Patty and Ian. I again no longer exsisted. The only times I ever really stole Brittany's attention was when I said something mean to him so she told me to be nice. Yeah. That turned out well. Anyways, we all ended up going for a walk in the woods by the campsites when it got totally dark. It was me, Joni, her boyfriend, and Ian, and then Brittany and Pat. Andrea and her boyfriend had left early. Right before we got to the trail, Patty's like, "Hey let's take the shortcut." So of course Brittany followed him. I just didn't even care. And Ian was just like, "Well, I guess I'll just stay with the group."
Joni: "No offense, but I don't think they really want you anyways."
Me: "Well, I don't really want either of them."
Joni: "Chrissy!" And she said something about liking Brittany or something and I was like "Not when she's with Patrick." Everyone just kind of agreed. It was kind of comforting actually. The whole walk I was just so worried that they ran off together and were probably doing God knows what... And then Ian just had to make my head spin worse when he asked me if I had locked my van or not. I told him I hadn't and then Joni was like "Oh God, Chrissy, what if it's like a Brittany and Cody incident all over again except in your van instead of mine??" (This one Cody guy fingered her and whatnot...at a party) I just felt sick to my stomach... "Well, I'll pretty much kill both of them and not give anyone a ride home."...then it got later and I just didn't even want to go back to the parking lot, afraid of what I might find...and all of a sudden I hear the Clay Aiken ringtone in my pocket. Brittany was calling and wondering where we were because her parents had called and wanted her to come home soon. So I just told her we'd be there soon and hung up. Well, when we finally got to the parking lot, I told Ian to go check the vehicles. He decided to be funny and tell me my van was locked and then started shaking it. I didn't even have a response. Finally it was us 6 again just standing around in the most awkward silence. No body really said anything and then we all said goodbye and Patty decided to be cocky and was all like "Goodbye Chrissy." but it was in this whole sarcastic tone...so I just replied with, "**** off Patrick."
As we were leaving I *swear* I heard Brittany's voice crack as she asked me if we could turn on some music. And the whole way home I kept seeing Brittany wipe her face and rub her nose...so just a few roads away from her house, I told her I was sorry for making her cry. She told me she didn't cry. I told her I thought she sounded like she was, but she just said that I had made her upset but she wasn't crying. I appologized again, and we got on the subject of hating Patrick again...
B: "So do you really hate him that much that I can't even be friends with him?"
Me: "I told you I don't hate him."
B: "Then, what's the matter?"
*silence* (I was on the verge of tears and totally fighting with my brain over whether or not I could tell her...basically forcing the words out.)
Me: *sigh* "Whenever Patrick's around, no body else is."
She didn't understand right away as I new she wouldn't, so I somehow explained it. I can't even remember how I did, but I do know that I was crying when I tried my best to explain it. I couldn't even try to hold it back. By that point, we were sitting in her driveway, just talking about little details that go along with the whole thing I had just told her...that my mind has totally forgotten about. Well, then as she opened the door, she said, "Then I guess I'll just have to spend more time around you the next time we all hang out, because it's not worth it........you mean more to me than he does....so......" I turned to her and said "Thankyou for that." She said "Well, it's true." And as she grabbed the rest of her things out of my vehicle she said "I love you." I told her I loved her too and she told me she'd call me the next day or I should. Whatever.
That all leads me to Wednesday (Yesterday). Brittany and I had gone to the mall shopping during the day and that was a blast. She needed a new swimsuit and I got to help her pick one out. We also had dinner together at an italian restraunt and during this one really salsa-like song she looked at me and was all like "Ooooh. Dance with me Chrissy!" She was just kidding of course, but it was still fun. Well, later that night I called her and asked her if she wanted to go over to Ian's because he had rented a movie. When we got there, we noticed that there was Patrick's car and our other friend Eric's. My first thought: "****." lol Well, we went inside and it ended up being me, Brit, Patty, Ian and Eric, watching 40 Year-Old Virgin. Brittany didn't sit by Patrick, but she didn't sit by me either. It was her and Ian on the large couch, me and Eric on the loveseat couch, and Patty by himself in the big round chair thing. But it was all okay because it was just like before when we all were just friends with no drama to go along with it. Well, then the guys all got up to get something to drink and Brittany asked if someone would get her a water. When they all went upstairs, I could tell Brittany was staring at me. When I looked at her finally, and she whispered, "Should I come and steal Eric's spot and sit by you?" I told her she should and she jumped on the loveseat next to me. The guys came back downstairs and when Eric saw Brittany in his spot he wouldn't give her the water he had gotten for her. Well, Brittany asked me to go get it for her, but I was so afraid if I did, Patrick would steal my seat, so I made her promise she'd save my spot. I got up to get it and after begging Eric and pulling it with all my might away from him, I got it back and handed it to Brittany. She told me thank you and then added, "We'll have to do it tonight." I just looked at her and was like "Allright." [Wink] lol Well, the rest of the night went by great. I had said something to Patty and he leaned over towards Ian and asked him why I hated him so much. I said I didn't, but he didn't hear so Brittany turned towards him and said, "She doesn't hate you." At first I was freaking out that maybe she'd tell him the real reason why I was so mean to him, but she didn't. She just left it at that. Patrick had to leave early, but the rest of us stayed until close to 11. The whole way to Brittany's house, telling her I loved her was *right there* on the tip of my tongue. But I'm such a chicken. Then, as we're sitting in her driveway again, it got all silent and awkward. I don't know. It was so weird. So I turned to look at her because I saw her looking at me from the corner of my eye..and I swear I could've almost leaned in the kiss her. You know when someone is "making their move" on you? When they have that certain "look" in their eye? Well, I swear Brittany looked at me like that, and I got such an insecure feeling for whatever reason and looked away. Then, I had the courage for a *split* second...and all of a sudden Brittany opens the door and tells me "Goodnight....I'll...uh...talk to you tomorrow." Me: "Yeah, sure. I'll .........give you a call or something." And that pretty much ended the night.

Not too much else, except Brittany has a pinched nerve in her neck and she's in a lot of pain today. I went and visited her though. That's about it. So I didnt tell her. Maybe next time. I need to know that we're going to be completely alone...and maybe more courage.

--------------------
~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~

Every minute I spend with you, I hope,
I'll say these words before I choke. - Me

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helpimconfuzzled
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wow, that last bit about in the car, this is like a soap! I was like, KISS HER KISS HER! x
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emochickie7
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Any updates?? No [good ones] here. :/
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rukn540
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What the hell ILoveRyanSeacrest29, Update girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FNT

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