You stand with your face maybe.. 2 or less feet from someone. Then you move your head (and your body too if you want) closer a little bit, and ask "are you nervous?" Then you move closer again, and ask "are you nervous NOW?" (Or maybe it was "are you still not nervous?" Argh. I can't remember exactly.) And you just keep doing that, and as you move you get pretty close to the person's face. When my friend was doing that to me, I ended up moving my head to the side when she came REALLY close, other people just stay in place and kiss/almost kiss each other.

Yeah, I am really having a hard time remembering the exact phrasing.

Haha, I just asked one of my friends if she knew the game I was talking about. First she thought I meant the thing where you say "hot" as someone moves closer to whatever they're trying to find, and say "cold" when they're moving away. Then she thought I meant the game where you hold up your hand and say "Are you afraid of this little man?" and then you [almost] poke their eye or hit them or something.

[This message has been edited by ILoveRyanSeacrest29 (edited 09-17-2005).]

Thanks for the explanation to the Closer game, emochickie! I haven't tried it with her yet, but I hope to soon. We haven't had much time to just be alone. We have I guess, but not long enough that I was able to think about it. Plus, I kind of caught a cold bug from one of the many sick people in my school and I didn't want to play the game and then be that close to maybe kissing her but then her being turned off because she might catch what I have. ::MUTTERSstupidcoldMUTTERS::

Not too much new stuff has happened. It's all the same, like we're stuck on that slim line of just being friends and crossing over to something possibly more. Talk about frusterating! She flirts with me quite a bit, it's not as often as before, because we don't see each other as often, but when we do see each other all we do is flirt pretty much.

Art class is when she's the most flirty. About two days ago we were cutting pictures out of magazines for a 'still life collage' and I had cut out a picture of a bowl of nuts (peanuts, cashews, pecans...etc.). And I hadn't even thought about it at first until I said to Brittany, "check out my nuts!" lmao! Yeah, then she's like "ewww you sicko!" (laughing) We then were saying that one of us should put that in our collage to represent both of our 'goofyness'. Then, (I'm not sure how this all started, but...) she said something like "could I have your nuts?" and I said "no, I cut them out."
B: (in a flirty whisper) "what if I grabbed them?"
Me: (shocked and not knowing what to say...I just looked away shyly.)
B: (still flirty whisper) "What if I massaged them?"
Me: (finally coming out of shocked-ness, and feeling like joking along) "nah. only if you licked them."
B: (whispering almost right in my ear...and me almost sure she could hear my heart beating...) "What if I...sucked them?"
Me: (really not knowing how to react to that one...and since there was people right next to us, I had to make it like we were just joking around...) "What ever floats ur boat!"

Then, yesterday in art class, (again, I'm not sure how we got on the topic, but...) she had said "Would you marry me?" (she didn't sound serious, more of a joking around kind of thing again...so I just went along with it)
Me: (Even after what she had said to me and how she had said it, the day before, I'm not sure why I was so shocked or embarassed (?)..taken aback (?) by that. ::shrugs:: ) "Yeah...if we lived in California!"
B: (didn't really respond...)
Me: "...because then it'd be legal. you know?"
B: "Yeah I know."..."But if you were a guy, would you marry me?"
Me: "Yeah, would you marry me?"
B: "mmhmm." (really joking around now) "but I'm not sure, 'cause if you were a guy you might be too femme for me, seeing as you like that metrosexual Ryan Seacrest."
Both of us began laughing and we just joked around a bit after that.

Anyways, after the game we walked to Amanda's car which holds 5 people comfortably, and 6 if you cram that third person in the middle seat up front. Brittany called the front seat and I was like "fine the back is better anyways." then she said I could sit up front with her. There was one other girl and one other guy with us and we let them sit in the back...since they're "going out". That was nice. Getting to sit practically on Brittany since we were crammed in. On the way to Amanda's house to get my car (van actually...it's my mom's lol) we turned on "Just A Lil Bit" by 50 Cent and Brittany and I sang along with that one. LOL

Then, it was just me and Brittany driving around town. Amanda and the rest of them people went to the town Cafe to hang out. Brittany didn't want to go and neither did I really, so we went to Taco Bell. All she wanted to do was go to the bathroom, but when we walked in we saw one of her cousins with all her friends but she just ignored us. It's all good though. lol We got to the bathroom and I just looked in the mirror and tried to fix my hair. I grabbed a piece of paper towel, crumpled it up, and threw it over the stalls towards where Brittany would be and heard it hit her. (Inside joke...don't ask lol...and I wanted to make her laugh.) She was washing her hands then, looked at herself in the mirror, and said "Ugh. I look like crap." I said she didn't and then (for the third time...I'm not sure how we got talking about it lol...but) she said something about us taking so long in the bathroom and anyone outside probably wondering what we'd be doing in there. She said we could walk out with our arms around each other and be all like 'oooooh I love you', but then was like, "nah, I don't want to give my cousin a heart attack and have her think I'm even weirder!" We were both laughing...but then we just joked around a bit more, I reassured her that her hair was fine...and we left. That was about it then, except we stopped by the Cafe and we did another "Can you scratch my leg?" thing, but that was it.

I don't know. I ask myself that same question everytime I shy away when Brittany jokes around about kissing/making out with me. ::scratcheshead:: I wish I knew, 'cause then next time I wouldn't do it! lol

Yay for your update! To some people it may sound like nothing, but to others, it's just enough. ::nods:: Mmhmm.

Last night Brittany called me and had said that one of her friends hadn't called her to do something like she said she would, so Brittany called me. I was like "aww." lol She said that she wished I wouldn't have been sick because then we could do something. At that moment I was kicking myself in my head thinking "Why'd I have to be sick!? Seriously." But we talked for a while and it was just nice. She was singing along to this one song on the radio and I had said I would sing along but my voice was really scratchy so I'd just listen. Then we were play-fighting over whether or not I minded Brittany singing. I said I didn't. She was just like "yeh. riiiight." lol And then she had mentioned something about being a bad singer or something and American Idol, so I said she would get on tv. Then she said, "Yeah, as one of the pathetically bad singers!" I then said something like "well you're a better singer than I am...I'd get into the auditioning room, and Simon would say 'horrible' before I even got the first line out." Then, she said "Well, you'd make it to Hollywood in my book." Again I was just like "aww." lol We had a nice little chat and then Brittany sang this one song to me that she had heard in church that day. It took me atleast 5 minutes to finally get her to do it in the first place, because she was saying stuff like "I don't even know the right tune.", "It'll be way off key.", "I don't even remember all the words.", "You're gonna laugh."...But she sang it and it was really nice. ::sigh::

That's okay, but it doesn't really belong in this forum, that given. You'l find it -- where you can continue, if you like -- in the Village People forum.)

Things haven't really changed between Brittany and I, I guess. I don't know. It's so weird. Like just last Friday, on the way back from the football game, she was being all flirty again. There was four girls plus Amanda's mom and dad in this truck so yeah all the seats were taken and Brittany ended up sitting up front. *ThinksToSelf*damn*ThinksToSelf* I was personally hoping we'd all squish in the back again like we did one of the other times and me and Brittany would sit together with the same buckle in the middle, because well...it was nice. I'm such a dork. lol ANYWAYS...it was dark and I was like half asleep in the back and Brittany was in the passenger seat directly infront of me. No one was really saying anything, the game sucked and we weren't listening to very entertaining music. I don't know how it got started, but had asked me something and I didn't really hear her, except I knew I heard the word "butt." So I said something and then was like "I thought you were going to say a 'can you scratch my leg' phrase but then you said 'butt' and I wasn't sure." Then she was laughing and whispered through the little crack between the seat and the window, "Can you scratch my butt?" I paused and wasn't sure what to say, but then I was just like 'what the heck' and said "Of course." Then, she went on to whisper to me where she wanted me to scratch, and she was saying it was right in the crack, and me, not wanting to push the line too far, told her that was off limits for me and she'd have to deal with that one. So then she's like "okay, well now there's an itch on my upper left cheek" (lol!...it was so funny) She asked me if I could get it for her, and I was like "well, it'll have to be later, seeing as I can't really reach it now." Then, I can't remember much else that happened, but she was pretty flirty all night.

That Saturday then, we had gone to a friend's house for a bon fire. There was suppose to be a lot of people there but it only ended up being me, Brittany, Amanda, two girls that were there and hosting the party/bon fire, and one guy. I love football so when I saw there was one laying on the ground, I was like "hey who wants to play some hardcore tackle football?" Brittany, right away was like "MEE!!!" (I so knew that was gonna happen..lol) So at first we didn't even make teams or anything we just threw it around and tried to tackle each other. As soon as I got the ball Brittany was right there and like jumped on me and plowed me to the ground. It sounds mean, but it was more of a gentle tackle...if there is such a thing lol. It was actually kind of nice... ... I'm a pretty short/small person so whenever I'd try to tackle someone it just looked like they were giving me a piggyback ride. lol And when I went to tackle Brittany once, I ended up grabbing her boob by mistake because she turned weird.

Anyways, now this week, it just seems different. Like normally I could say soemthing and pretty much know what Brittany was going to say, but she says soemthig completely opposite or doesn't say anything at all. Just today I was wearing this fake ring (it's homecoming week so we have dress up days and today was "Bling-Bling Day"...so yeah..) and any other time I could swear if I asked her "Would you marry me?" (holding out the ring and just joking around of course) she'd say "of course" or something but when I asked her today she just said something like "Hmm...let me think for a second." She took like a whole minute and then said something like "Sorry, but I'm waiting for my true love." I did know who she was talking about(inside joke) and just kind of blew it off. Then after school, I wanted someone to take pictures of us together because we were all dressed up funny and we just did these weird "gangster" signs with our hands and then stood apart. I was hoping for one like with our arms around each other like usual so I said something like "okay now let's take a nice one." and I put my arm behind her back. She didn't do the same which was completely awkward and then, the way she was standing I couldn't bring my hand up very far, and she said "don't touch my butt." I just laughed it off and was like "I never touched your butt." Then she said "well you were pretty close." I was just thinking 'okay, so you can be all flirty and touchy-feely with me, but I can't with you...?' I don't know. I kind of bugged me. Because not long before I asked her about the 'marry me' thing she was admiring my shirt and like tickling my back. She was touching the letters on it and tracing them with her finger and I kind of turned so I could face her but she never stopped trailing her finger on my back even after we weren't even talking about it anymore. And then after the unexpected 'marry me' thing, she pulled up the corner of my shirt on my side to see what color boxers I wore (let me explain lol...it was Bling-Bling day but most everybody took it as more of a 'gangster/baggy clothes' day...so many people wore boxers hangin out of their pants.) I was wondering what the heck I felt at the waist band at my jeans and when I looked down I saw her grabbing at my boxers to see what they had on them. Then, she saw that I had something in my pocket and she just stuck her hand in my pocket to see what it was. It's not like I minded or anything, but it was weird. I don't know. It's like she gets mood swings with how flirty she is towards me and how flirty I'm allowed to be with her. Maybe that makes no sense. Who knows. I do know, though, that tomorrow we're playing in an all girl tackle football game (yay lol) and Friday we're going to the homecoming game, and then I'm staying over at her house. (YAY YAY lol) Amanda is staying over too, but Brittany didn't really want her to, so we made a plan to say that we are both tired and pretend to sleep so maybe Amanda would fall asleep right away and then we could just stay up doing whatever, or maybe Amanda would get bored and want to go to the homecoming dance and then we'd just say w/e and hang out by ourselves. It's kind of mean, I know, but if Brittany wants to, I will, especially when the idea is for us to have time alone. And you can never go wrong with that, eh?? I'm thinking about trying out the 'closer' game then...because...well, you know. I don't want to say I will for surely though, because then I probably won't. I'm just weird like that. The only downside is I'm supposed to get that icky monthly thing tomorrow or Friday...so...ugh. But I'll make the best of it.

More updates later if I think of them. I'm getting tired. G'night!

quote:

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Originally posted by Kalye880:
I thought from reading your other how to question in the other forum that maybe you and Brittany had hooked up

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Today was better though! In graphic arts class the teacher always took a picture for everyday that people dressed up and today was "Class Color Day" so you could basically tell who was in what grade by looking at what they were wearing. Well, me and Brittany were the only two juniors dressed up in our class (for graphic arts anyways) so when we went to line up for the picture I was like "Aww, look we're the only two." and I totally wasn't expecting anything because of the way she's been acting the past couple days, but she said "Well, that's okay." and got really close and put her arm around me for the picture. I put my arm around her and she was wearing this jacket thing and my hand got tangled in it so it probably seemed like I was rubbing her back, but I was really only trying to detangle my hand. lol She didn't say "stop it" or anything, so that's a plus.

Then, tonight at the all girl football game...well nevermind, nothing really happened there. It ended up being kind of stupid because there were tons more seniors playing than junior so it wasn't even close to fair. But anyways, Brittany had wanted to find a jersey to wear to school tomorrow from one of the football players but the first guy was holding two freshman girls' hands so she went to ask someone else but couldn't find the person and we were just standing on the side lines looking for him and she said something that, to me (I had a hat on) and at the time (it was really noisy) sounded like she said "Wanna go somewhere to make out?" so I was like "WHAT?!" and she's like "I said, he probably went somewhere to make out." Yeah I was just like "oohhhhhh." lol Then, after the games there was this bonfire at the high school and Brittany wanted to go. I didn't really because I wasn't exactly dressed to go anywhere seeing as I was muddy and grass stained, but I didn't need to be anywhere else so I went with Brittany to her house. I just thought she was going to run in, change jeans or something and then run back out to my car, but I ended up going in with her. *smellssweatshirt* Mmm...she sprayed me with her perfume. lol I said if I couldn't change I'd at least want to smell good. The bonfire was okay. Nothing major happened, but Brittany and I touched each other's butts. lol We were standing around the fire and most of the people faced their backs to it because it was so warm. So Brittany goes to me "My butt is really warm! Feel it." She turned around, and I didn't want to make it look like I..umm...'couldn't wait'...if that makes any sense. But I just asked, "are you serious?" she said she was and dumb ol' nervous me didn't even watch where I was putting my hand and ended up touching her upper thigh lol so then I looked and felt her butt. Haha. I was wearing black wind pants so I decided I'd stand by the fire and do the same to her, and they got hot! lol like really really. So I was like "hey someone feel my butt!" and this one girl touched it and was like "wow!" but I didn't really care what she thought and then Brittany felt it and was like "OMG! that's really hot!....That's one hot *** ya got there!" LOL It was awesome.

------------------------------
I can't wait until tomorrow! Homecoming is going to be so great! Brittany found herself a jersey so we'll both be dressed up, she's dying her hair our school color tomorrow. I can't wait to see it! lol I know it'll be hot. Plus, this week people could buy flowers for their bf/gf or for just friends. Yellow carnations were for friends, red for a crush, and red rose for love. I got her a rose. We had talked about getting each other one, but I'm not sure if she got me one. I don't really care though. Maybe she just thought we were joking around, and didn't want to be weird if she was the only one to give one. I might feel kind of weird, but I know she'll like it, so it's all good, and if she asks me about it like "why would you get me a rose....?" I could always say "well, so and so gave her a rose and they're just friends. blah blah blah." you know. Ohhhhh it's going to be sooooo much fun!!!! EEEEEEEEEEE! lol sorry. I'll let y'all know how it goes. Now I'd better get my butt off of here and finish my algebra homework. Ugh.

One more thing lol. Check out my love horoscope for tomorrow. :
October 7, 2005
You may find today particularly enigmatic, and your latest lover even more so. Indeed, the planets indicate that the emotional atmosphere between you may be a little strange. There is a certainly a great deal of passion and real caring there, but at the same time, there is a barrier that particularly concerns you because you like to feel emotionally close to someone. Don't give up.
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*takesdeepbreath* Holy. There are no words. lol And to think we didn't even kiss or anything. Let me explain though. lol

Brittany enjoyed her rose. And on the slip of paper I didn't write anything (you could add a message with it when they handed them out), but Brittany wrote "I <3 you!" on the paper when I got my carnation. We got them during lunch and when we came back to our lunch table all our friends were asking "Aww who'd you get the flowers from?" Brittany was like "Hmm...my secret admirer." and I was just like "Brittany." lol Brittany finally said that I had gotten her the rose and someone asked Brittany "So she loves you, but you only like her as a friend?" Brittany was like "well, at least I wrote 'I <3 you!' on the message thing, Chrissy didn't write anything." And I was like "I just let the rose do the talking." It was great.

We didn't do much before the game, except go to Amanda's and make signs for the football coach. The game sucked, as we have the past few years for homecoming. We lost 38-0. But since hardly anyone was watching it then, that meant I could talk to Brittany more. Me and my other best friend [Jessica] were goofing around (as usual) and winking at each other pretending each time we did it, we had an orgasm. I have perverted friends, I know. lol It was so funny because then Brittany joined in and each time she winked she licked her lips all seductive like. Then, because it was so cold outside, Brittany gave me this big hug and was like "I'm so COLD!!" I hugged her back and we just stood like that for a bit and then she started shaking (mostly just overexagerating) and it looked like she was humping me. We both realized it at the same time and burst out laughing. Then, I made a joke and was like "I don't know what that was,...but I think I liked it!" lol

After the game, Brittany and I left to go to this party with Jessica and one of her other friends. We knew that there was going to be drinking there, but seeing as we had to be back at Brittany's house by 11:30, we agreed not to. Brittany even said the sweetest thing on the way out there, "Chrissy, you're my guardian angel. And tonight you're going to help keep me from doing anything bad." I was just like "aww!" When, we got there, the guys were getting high so it was us four girls sitting on the kitchen floor just talking. Brittany said she was tired and laid her head in my lap. I told her I would rub her back, but she wasn't laying the right way. Then, she just sat up and we decided to go outside because we were getting too warm. The guys were like "are you two leaving already?" and we were like "no, we're just going outside because it's warm in here." Brittany then said something that sounded like "We're gonna go fool around." Even one of the guys was like "Huh?" We came back in after awhile and watched tv. Then, we decided to play the game "10 fingers", it's where one person says something the've never done and anyone who has done that thing has to put a finger down. When you're out of fingers, you lose. Brittany said something about "strip poker" or something and I was like "we could play 'Strip Questions'...Instead of losing fingers, you lose a piece of clothing." We began playing and both of us are lucky we had on so many layers because of the football game, otherwise we woudn't have lasted long. lol I had all the bead necklaces that I was wearing off, my first 3 shirts, both socks, my bracelet, and my pants unbuttoned and unzipped. Brittany was then said, "well, we gotta get going if we're going to make it back to my house by 11:30." I agreed and said "thank goodness because I'm starting to get cold." Brittany: "You're lucky, because I would've made you colder."

That's all I can update right now. I gotta get going to work. So I'll finish with everything that happened at her house, when I get back.

Brittany and I didn't get to her house until around 11:40 and Amanda wasn't there yet. We went upstairs to her room and started looking at magazines. When we heard Amanda come in I said "Let's pretend we're asleep!" So we just had enough time to flop backwards on the bed by the time Amanda got up the stairs. She asked "What were you two doing?" Brittany and I were just like "Nothing. [wink, wink]" lol It was only midnight then, and Brittany had this stack of Seventeen magazines so Amanda sat on the floor next to the bed reading one and me and Brittany sat on the bed each reading one. Then, I got bored and just laid down and almost fell asleep while Brittany kept reading her magazine. (Yeah I know it sounds boring, but there were quizes in each one and we would switch magazines to take 'em and all that.) Amanda had put down her magazine and was kept closing her eyes and opening them every so often. I was hoping she'd fall asleep. lol Well, then I figured I should probably stop closing my eyes or I'd fall asleep and I didn't want that to happen, so I scooted myself so I was leaning up next to Brittany. I didn't want to just scoot so close 'justcuz' so I said "whatcha reading" Eh? lol We just sat reading the same magazine for awhile and we had scooted pretty close. I glanced up and noticed Amanda had had her eyes closed for awhile so I whispered to Brittany, "maybe she fell asleep." Buttttt, then she opened her eyes and Brittany's like "nope, not yet." We took some quizes together and then Brittany put the magazine down and was like "wow am I tired." and she came close to putting her head on my shoulder but I was leaning to far towards her that she couldn't. *dang* Then, I was like "well, I'm gonna put my pajamas on and then Brittany went downstairs to take her contacts out and brush her teeth. When we were all done with everything me and Brittany went back upstairs where Amanda was and looked at some more magazines (don't ask me why, lol, but we looked at magazines for nearly 2 hours! It was around 1:45am!) Amanda stayed in her normal spot on the floor and me and Brittany were now laying down on the bed. Our feet were hanging off the edge and I kept feeling her feet touch mine so I said "Holy Brittany playing footsie with me."
B: "you know you like it." *rubs my feet for the next two minutes*
Me: "I know I do."
Then, just a couple minutes after it's somewhat silent and Brittany stopped rubbing my feet with hers, she says: "I need a guy right now."
Me: "why?"
B: "because it's not like I can make out with you right now."
Me: "yeah I know...Amanda would have to leave the room first."
She didn't really respond to that and then Amanda asked where she was supposed to sleep. Brittany told her there was either her bed or her little sister's in the next room. Amanda said she'd go in there and then asked me where I was sleeping. I said "where ever anyone wants me to sleep." Right away Brittany's like (all seductively) "You want to sleep with me Chrissy?"
Me: "you know I do."
Then, Amanda left the room, and Brittany decided to change out of her regular clothes. She put on these really short shorts, and a cami top. She looks at me and asks "is this sexy?"
Me: "Absolutely...but I'm wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt. Don't you think you're gonna get a little cold?"
B: "Yeah, plus this shirt is really thin so I'll put a tshirt over."
(pause)
B: (looks right at me) "Are you sure you want to sleep with me?...I have to warn you, I'm pretty wild in bed."
Me: "Ohhhh." (both laughing) [saracastically] "I still could switch and sleep with Amanda..." (laughing again)
Amanda: (from other room after Brittany went over and shut off our room light) "Who's getting the hall light?"
B: "I am" (silence as I'm under the covers already and I can barely see Brittany walking back over towards the bed) [whispers]"...And if you hear Chrissy scream, it's just because she's having an orgasm."
Me: *speechless*
A: "Sicko."
Then, Brittany mumbled something to me as she got closer to the bed and when I asked what she said she just shook her head and was like "nevermind". (???)
She crawled in and was like "lets see what Amanda says." She then began bouncing on the bed (making it squeak) and made little "oh oh oh" sounds. I didn't know what to do but sit there motionless, and still a tad speechless, because that image was just too hot. I finally came out of lala land and was like "stop for a second and see what Amanda says." (quiet...two seconds later)
A: Ha. Ha.
That's the basics of what happened...I wish I could go into more detail on what was all said, but my mind can't exactly remember. All it has in it from there on is pretty much just known as ...awesome. I wanted to try the Closer game so bad, but I was so turned on/nervous-like from what had all happened within that last 5 or 10ish minutes that I didn't think I could. Honestly, if we would've just kissed once like a light peck, hardly anything...I think I would've hyperventilated. It was insane. I do remember then saying something about not rolling on top of me and Brittany was like "I never rolled on top of you."
Me: "Yeah you did."
B: "Nuh uh...What'd it feel like?...Like this?" Moves the covers so she could roll on top of me. *kicks self for not laying on back*
Me: "Mmhmm."
We both made the bed squeak for a little bit and then I suggested we see if Amanda was asleep yet. We whispered her name but she didn't answer back this time. I wanted to say something about kissing or something so bad but we both were so tired that before I knew it I was asleep.

Oh and also, after the homecoming assembly on Friday, we were walking down the hall and Brittany and I kept bumping into each other, and each time we did she ended up touching my butt.
Me: Holy just touch my butt like 3 times.
B: You liked it.
Me: You know it.
B: Want me to do it again?
Me: Oh yeah.
*rubs my butt*
Me: Thank you.
B: Anytime.

One last thing, you know in one of the first posts of mine from the first page, I said "but I've also come to realize that even if we did become to be more than friends and we would be open about our feelings toward each other (if that ever happened) I don't think I would be strong enough to be outted and to have everyone know. At least not where I live now. The only way I think I would feel somewhat comfortable about everyone knowing is if we both lived in a big city where no one knew us." Yeah, well, I don't feel that way anymore. I would be willing to go up to anybody now, say "I'm in love with Brittany.", and be completely proud of it. Like it's that feeling where you just want to brag to everyone how good that feeling is when you see them, or when you hear their voice, or how awesome that tickle feeling in your stomach feels when they just touch you on the hand. Honestly, who wouldn't want to tell everyone you know about that. It's awesome!

Te amo.

And while I'm at it...here's my horoscopes for today and tomorrow. (you don't have to read 'em. I just thought they were interesting.)

October 8, 2005
Recent events in the department of love and romance may have you feeling as if you are simply not getting your needs met, Chrissy. Remember that other people aren't mind readers the way you are. If someone's behavior isn't sitting right with you, tell him or her so. Romantic partnerships shouldn't be something that you make personal sacrifices for in order to maintain. They should be something that uplifts and supports your dreams.

Love;

October 8, 2005
The energy emanating from the planets may cause a boring situation to get in the way of a potential romantic conquest. Shame, as they were so nearly in your grasp, and you almost had that date. But an old flame (in fact, so old they have practically burnt out) turns up and spoils what could have been a joyous occasion. You'll get another chance though, so don't worry!
October 9, 2005
Todays planetary configuration may be a little intense for you, although you are generally OK with emotional scenes. At any rate, you can always hide away beneath that crabby shell of yours if you really feel vulnerable. But it probably won't get that bad. You just need to get used to the fact that this person adores you in a way that no one ever has. You'll get to like it.
Week of October 3, 2005
As usual, the emotional times are usually the hardest, but overall, they will prove to be the most rewarding. For you, these emotional times will be during the first four days of the week, thanks to a powerful Solar Eclipse on Monday followed by the Moon?s move into Scorpio on Tuesday night. Look out for your loved one?s stinger to strike on Wednesday or Thursday of this week. When it does, don?t be afraid to strike back. Your feelings matter too - so don?t be afraid to express them even if it means discussing the tension between you and the one you are with. Most likely, if you can work through the emotional issues that permeate on these first four days of the week, you will be rewarded with greater intimacy and passion in your romance than you have ever known. You have much to look forward to in love this week if you are willing to work through the emotional drama to get there.

Saturday night was Brittany's little sister's birthday party and I was invited too. Brittany called me up and wanted me to burn her a cd, come to the party and then asked me about what time I had to work on Sunday. I told her around 1 and then wondered why she asked. She was like "well, 'cuz I was wondering if you'd want to stay the night." Of course I was like "absolutely!" lol Nothing really happened during the party or anything because there was so many people around and all that. Then, when everyone had left and it was just Me, Brittany, and her little sister awake yet, her little sister got ready for bed and went into her room right across the hall from Brittany's. Brittany was already in her pajamas so I quickly got mine on and Brittany crawled into bed. I turned the light off then, and crawled in next to her. I knew nothing would happen or even have a possibility of happening especially because her and her sister's rooms are sort of connected and well...yeah. Anyways, Brittany turned on her stereo and we were listening to music for a while. She said something about being able to do crunches in her bed, and when she tried one the springs squeaked. She stopped and started laughing and so did I. I don't remember what we were all talking about, but then the song Dirty Little Secret by The All American Rejects came on and we were basically singing that to each other. Then she turned over more so she was laying on her side and facing me so I did the same except facing her. She got really close and was like "You know what?" Of course I said "What?" And she says "I've been thinking..." She paused and didn't really say anything. I didn't really know what to say and my minds racing, wondering what the heck she's trying to get at, you know? And then she starts saying something about being nice to the one guy that she used to like, but doesn't really now because he was a major jerk, but she's going to start being more nice to him...or something. Then, she turned on the song by Avril Lavigne "Fall to Pieces" and the lyrics almost made me cry! She was still laying really close to me and just kept looking at me. I tried to stare at her back but I got too shy or something and would always look away. As I hear the lyrics in the background play..."I looked away. Then I look back at you..." [more staring] ..."If I had my way, I'd never get over you. Today's the day, I pray that we make it through..." [singing to each other by now. still staring.] "And I don't wanna fall to pieces. I just want to sit and stare at you. I don't want to talk about it
And I don't want a conversation. I just want to cry in front of you. I don't want to talk about it, Cuz I'm in love with you..." Yeah, I was just like 'wow'. Then, I was like, at least you're not playing REM's 'Everybody hurts' song." So, what does she do? Turns it on. That one actually did make me cry a little bit, but by then she had already turned her head a bit and closed her eyes. I was laying exactly the same way, kind of as if I was looking in a mirror. That picture just made me want to cry more, but I didn't want to wake her. I so wish I could've told her then. Like, it was right there on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn't bring myself to push it out. It sucked so much. But I just tried to forget about it, and got to sleep.

That's about it. Nothing too much, just more of my emotions. (lol)

I've known my Hayley, my best friend pretty much forever, but about 5 years ago, I developed an *obsession* with her.

Anyways, for about a year she kept giving me what I thought were 'signals' but I pretty much gave up on anything ever happening as ..well to keep myself sane - (save myself the disappointment, right?) - as we spent pretty much every day together, and the constant analyzing of all the, what I thought were, signals were driving me crazy!

Then, 1 night Hayley was staying at my house. (we stayed at each others house pretty much every weekend/school holiday) When we were in bed, she asked me to tickle her back (We used to take turns tickeling each others backs until one of us ended up asleep) and she said, "do under my bra strap" and I told her no, because the strap was in the way. So, she reached under her pj top, un-clipped it, and said now it isnt. Now she had turned round and was watching me, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be falling asleep, but when I stopped tickling her back, she would nudge my arm, to make me start again. Then after about 15 mins, she asked me, "have you ever kissed a girl?" (she knew I had..) and I told her yea, (convo..)
H: What was it like?
J: IDK, like kissing a boy.. but with a girl.. I suppose (I'd never kissed a boy..)
H: Would you ever kiss me?
J: Wha..?!? *Eyes open and stare at her*
H: Well would you?
J: Urm.. *Thinks - God yes, please now!*
(This is were I start thinking - Is she actually serious?!?! - But, obviously, my brain says - no, dont be stupid..)
I'm still lying there, with my eyes closed, and she moves up right close to me so her chest was pushing into mine ( ) And I'm thinking to myself, *God, what are you doing, just say YES!!* but apparently, my brain stopped working..

Well, anyways she said, "Dont you like me?" I didnt say anything, just opened my eyes.. then she leans and kisses me, really quick, like its over in less than a second, and giggles. I'm just like *oh wow..* and she starts to get all playful, tickling my sides etc until I wriggled over to the side of the bed, and sat up against the wall, and I start to tie my hair back again, when she comes over to me, and sit/kneels over my legs, and lean and whispers "I thought you liked girls? Dont you want too?" then kissed me on the neck. Thats where my brain started working again.. I looked at her and said "Really?" She take off her top (! / !) and we start to make out.. And well you can guess the rest..

At about 5am (4 hours later! ) we took my blanket onto the veranda, because we're not allowed to smoke inside, and she said, "I cant believe we just done that" I didnt know what to say.. So didnt say anything, and we went back in, and went to sleep.

I thought that would of been the only / last time.. But the next night it happened again, and for about the next year. But we Never ever talked about it, it was ..strange.. Everything was normal between us, no awkwardness, we were just 'friends'.

After about 9/10 months, she started to like another guy, which made me *so* jealous, but I didnt say anything.. We never talked about what we did, so it was like it didnt happen or somthing.. it wasnt a 'relationship'. At the beginning I just put up with it, but after about 3/4 months I got *really* sick of her telling me about this guy she liked, and if he liked her etc etc, and one night, we were laying in bed, and she was playing with my hair, then went to kiss me, and I stopped her and said no. Then just turned around and pretended to go to sleep.. Nothings ever happened between us since, and for ages I couldnt believe I'd 'broken us up'. Since then, we've kinda 'grown apart' and we both have long-term Boyfriends and now I guess we see each other once, maybe twice a week.

Losing the best friend was way worse than losing the 'lover', makes me think what things would of been like now, if 1) It had never happened or 2) We had talked about the whole situation. Somthing I find confusing is she says shes straight, Recently one of my cousins came out as being a lesbian, and when I told Hayley, she was like, "I have nothing against lesbians, Aslong as they dont try anything with me" ( ) ..

Anyways.. This thing is SO long. I'd better shut up.. I hope things work out for you

xx

I've known my Hayley, my best friend pretty much forever, but about 5 years ago, I developed an *obsession* with her.

Anyways, for about a year she kept giving me what I thought were 'signals' but I pretty much gave up on anything ever happening as ..well to keep myself sane - (save myself the disappointment, right?) - as we spent pretty much every day together, and the constant analyzing of all the, what I thought were, signals were driving me crazy!

Then, 1 night Hayley was staying at my house. (we stayed at each others house pretty much every weekend/school holiday) When we were in bed, she asked me to tickle her back (We used to take turns tickeling each others backs until one of us ended up asleep) and she said, "do under my bra strap" and I told her no, because the strap was in the way. So, she reached under her pj top, un-clipped it, and said now it isnt. Now she had turned round and was watching me, so I closed my eyes and pretended to be falling asleep, but when I stopped tickling her back, she would nudge my arm, to make me start again. Then after about 15 mins, she asked me, "have you ever kissed a girl?" (she knew I had..) and I told her yea, (convo..)
H: What was it like?
J: IDK, like kissing a boy.. but with a girl.. I suppose (I'd never kissed a boy..)
H: Would you ever kiss me?
J: Wha..?!? *Eyes open and stare at her*
H: Well would you?
J: Urm.. *Thinks - God yes, please now!*
(This is were I start thinking - Is she actually serious?!?! - But, obviously, my brain says - no, dont be stupid..)
I'm still lying there, with my eyes closed, and she moves up right close to me so her chest was pushing into mine ( ) And I'm thinking to myself, *God, what are you doing, just say YES!!* but apparently, my brain stopped working..

Well, anyways she said, "Dont you like me?" I didnt say anything, just opened my eyes.. then she leans and kisses me, really quick, like its over in less than a second, and giggles. I'm just like *oh wow..* and she starts to get all playful, tickling my sides etc until I wriggled over to the side of the bed, and sat up against the wall, and I start to tie my hair back again, when she comes over to me, and sit/kneels over my legs, and lean and whispers "I thought you liked girls? Dont you want too?" then kissed me on the neck. Thats where my brain started working again.. I looked at her and said "Really?" She take off her top (! / !) and we start to make out.. And well you can guess the rest..

At about 5am (4 hours later! ) we took my blanket onto the veranda, because we're not allowed to smoke inside, and she said, "I cant believe we just done that" I didnt know what to say.. So didnt say anything, and we went back in, and went to sleep.

I thought that would of been the only / last time.. But the next night it happened again, and for about the next year. But we Never ever talked about it, it was ..strange.. Everything was normal between us, no awkwardness, we were just 'friends'.

After about 9/10 months, she started to like another guy, which made me *so* jealous, but I didnt say anything.. We never talked about what we did, so it was like it didnt happen or somthing.. it wasnt a 'relationship'. At the beginning I just put up with it, but after about 3/4 months I got *really* sick of her telling me about this guy she liked, and if he liked her etc etc, and one night, we were laying in bed, and she was playing with my hair, then went to kiss me, and I stopped her and said no. Then just turned around and pretended to go to sleep.. Nothings ever happened between us since, and for ages I couldnt believe I'd 'broken us up'. Since then, we've kinda 'grown apart' and we both have long-term Boyfriends and now I guess we see each other once, maybe twice a week.

Anyways.. This thing is SO long. I'd better shut up.. I hope things work out for you

xx

Anyway.

Yesterday was fun. We hung out at my house and stuff and I don't know.. it just felt nice. The sofa I have is technically a loveseat, but it's wide enough that it could hold three. Instead of sitting on one side, like people normally do, she sat in the middle. Then we got up for a while and when it was time to sit down again, she had moved even further over to the side, so we were basically squished together.

Okay, this last Wednesday in art class (I wonder why it's always in there?..lol) Anyways, I was done with our last project and was matting it, so I was over at this one table cutting it. Brittany came over and stood pretty close to me and was like "I pulled my pants up high...do you like it?" (Don't ask me why she asked me that lol, cuz I have no clue.) Her pants weren't really high or nothing, but she had caught me off guard so I just turned and looked about where her belt buckle was. I didn't realize I was looking so long, but then I said "Yeah." that I liked them. She leans closer, and whispers kinda like and said "I knew you were a lesbian." My reaction at first was just like "What?!..." But then I had the best comeback and was like "...Psh! If I am, you are." We both started laughing and Brittany agreed and said "...Yeah, that's true."

Then, after school that day we stayed after school to go running and work out. Amanda wanted to come with us, and I would've been fine with it, you know, but Brittany said in 6th hour that she didn't really want Amanda to come with us and that it was just our time to exercise. *shrugs* Well, after school, we ran like a mile and a half, and I even told Brittany that I only did it for her, because I hate running and you'd never catch me doing that on my own. lol Anyways, when we got back to the school and went up to the weight room, Amanda was already up there waiting for us. We didn't feel like lifting much so we walked back out of the weight room and laid down on one of the gymnastics mats. Amanda was to my left, just kind of sitting there, and Brittany was to my right, laying on her back. At first I was laying on my back, but then I flipped over so I was on my stomach and me and Brittany were laying opposite...her feet by my head, etc. Then, we were talking to one of our guy friends and Brittany went to nudge me or whatever to tell me something and she ended up smacking my butt. lol I was just like 'What the...?' and she was like "sorry, I meant to hit your legs but I ended up hitting your butt." I was just like "yeah, yeah, whatever you say." lol Then, we got into the whole thing about if either one of us was a lesbian, then the other one would have to be one too. And then, our guy friend was like "well, when she touched your butt, you didn't object, so that means you must've liked it." I didn't know what to say. lol There wasn't much else besides just more joking around about that, and Brittany had said "Chrissy, if you were a guy, I would sooooo marry you."

I have to get ready for work now, so I'll have to finish what happened the next day at the football game, later.

anyway, i hope this gives you all some insight into how things could happen further down the road in your lives (not that your crushes have the mental problems that mine does...ha ha). i didn't know how much she had felt about me--she claims that she lied to impress me when we were 15 and that she was totally in love with me...but i never knew because she never told me. she said that she was always trying to get me to go camping so she could get me alone and have at it with me. ha ha my advice is that there are two ways to look at it: see if your friend can be trusted and mature enough to just sit her down and casually ask, "hey, what's up with all these lesbian undertones in our conversation? do you wanna talk about it?" or even better and more casual: "i kind of feel like our friendship is special, like i have this connection with you that i don't have with any of the friends i've ever had. what do you think?" i think you should keep it as casual as possible, even though you are dying inside to express the full intensity of your feelings. the thing is, if you are picking up on these feelings, it could very well be that she's feeling something for you. and she probably is picking up on feelings from you--a woman's intuition is a very important thing to rely on. but be careful, because some people just want to have someone be infatuated with them, boy or girl--it doesn't matter. the girl i fell in love with in college was like that...she was just so flirty, and i think she just wanted love/attention from me. i was crazy about her and she had to have known, but she was too immature or just wanted that obsession from me.

sorry, i know that the last post was long, but i'll try to keep it down and then i'll leave the postings up to you youngins. ha ha j/k (this is called nothing else to do on a sunday evening until cold case comes on)
okay, like i said before, my college years were mainly confined to hetero activity. but by my junior year, i was starting to become more aware of what I wanted, no matter what people thought. one night, i'm sitting at home on vacation and this movie called gia comes on HBO. i was just floored by how intense it was for me...i had never seen a movie about two women in love. well, i start to think: okay, i'm definitely attracted to guys but i've always felt more enamored emotionally with girls. so, i came to the conclusion that you don't need to identify yourself with an orientation: who you fall in love with is who you fall in love with, period.
during the spring of junior year, we picked up this awesome class of pledges in my sorority. i was the sorority jokester and i really impressed this one freshman pledge in particular with all of my shananigans. we start hanging out a lot. we find out we have muchos things in common, but i was still the cool junior to her.
during the summer, she sends me cards and drives 2 hours to see me when i have surgery. well, the beginning of my senior year rolls around and she moves onto my hall, diagonally across from me (while my 2 best friends who are seniors are next door). well, we just have a blast because there's all of us on this hall. we go out, drink in our rooms (even though we're not allowed)--it's a lot of fun. i start dating this guy and that's really special for me. my birthday rolls around and my boyfriend forgets my birthday--he's never around and he just sucks as a boyfriend. i have been disappointed by so many guys by this point that it isn't even funny. well, on my birthday, during thanksgiving break, the florist comes to my door. i think, "oh, he remembered." nope, it was a dozen yellow roses from this sorority girl. i start to get confused even though yellow means friendship. she starts buying me things and really making me feel special, something my boyfriend didn't. she wanders into my best friend's room when i'm not around and asks where i am all the time, if i'm not there (hey, it's nice to be missed). by feb. of senior year, i'm starting to realize that i'm having very strong feelings about her...my whole day starts to revolve around her, especially when she starts dating a guy. i'm always giving her back rubs, we're always having play fights, etc. we're just flirting all the freakin' time. and neither of us speaks AT ALL about our boyfriends/kissing other boys to each other...it's like forbidden territory, which is strange.
during spring break, i go to florida with my best friends. when i get back, she calls on her way to school and asks out of the blue if we can live together when we're older. later that week, we're pre-partying in her dorm room and she wants to take a picture of us pretending that we're making out, lying on her bed.

a couple of weeks later, we come back from a night of going out to a frat and she is standing in front of my high bed. my legs are dangling off the edge and she's right in front of me: she kisses me on the cheek, dangerously close to my mouth. as she leaves to go visit a guy in another dorm, she turns and says, "don't worry, he might have my body but you have my heart." then turns to go, but then says, "who knows, maybe one day you'll have that (meaning her body), too."

the rest of the time until graduation i spend rubbing her back constantly. i would stroke her hand while she lay in bed, and one afternoon we were lying next to each other with my arm around her, holding her hand, basically spooning. okay, folks--these are not the things that you do with even a close friend, especially when you're doing it with the door closed, by yourself. she'd joke around even and say, "oh, you're in love with me."

once i graduated, she'd call every day, but she just started to distance herself. at a graduation party for my one best friend (who knew about my feelings), my best friend's gay aunt noticed with her gaydar that there was definitely some sexual tension between this girl and i--and the aunt had never met us before. weird. she even drove 2 hours to bring me a basket of my favorite candy before i went on vacation for 3 weeks.

i was totally head over heels. i mean, i thought about her all the time. i'd go out looking for guys to date or make out with just to try to get her out of my system, but it never worked really...until i met my boyfriend of 1 year (we are no longer together). but she was still in college, doing her thing and basically starting to ignore me. i had been so depressed over her that i was constantly going out and drinking--which led to drunken dialing...bad, bad, bad. i even went to grad school 1500 miles from home to try to get her out of my system--yeah, a little extreme, but it worked. a couple of months ago, i finally thought, "what the heck, i'll just tell her." so, i gave her a very casual, short version of what i had felt for her in college--it was nowhere near what i had felt, but it was something. she didn't even remember telling me about the heart and body thing, something which i had held onto as something that i thought revealed what she truly felt. i held onto that scene for almost 3 years, people...and it turns out it meant nothing to her. maybe i just had rose-colored glasses on back then, but i don't know if she was being truthful 2 months ago...i think she did care about me or she was just too self-absorbed and wanted me to be obsessed about her without her getting involved with me. who knows? i mean, i gave her a 1000 hints...she had to have known.

anyway, that's my story. i guess it's a lesson that you should be careful on what you hang onto while you're in love with someone, especially a gal pal who identifies herself as straight, even though she might just be fooling herself (but i identify myself as straight, too, so that's a double whammy). but to tell you the truth, it might have just been that feeling of euphoria, knowing that i had this secretive love for her, that i really loved--perhaps it wasn't even her. we always want what we can't have, me especially. as for now, i haven't really heard from her--but that's how it was when i was living farther away. maybe i ruined what little friendship we had left, but i don't care--i feel as though i was finally able to let go of her because the ball was now completely in her court to do with whatever she wanted. i no longer have to think about what if i would have told her that night when she half-kissed me. she knows where to find me if she finally changes her mind, but i might have moved on by then, hopefully.

sorry, i know that the last post was long, but i'll try to keep it down and then i'll leave the postings up to you youngins. ha ha j/k (this is called nothing else to do on a sunday evening until cold case comes on)
okay, like i said before, my college years were mainly confined to hetero activity. but by my junior year, i was starting to become more aware of what I wanted, no matter what people thought. one night, i'm sitting at home on vacation and this movie called gia comes on HBO. i was just floored by how intense it was for me...i had never seen a movie about two women in love. well, i start to think: okay, i'm definitely attracted to guys but i've always felt more enamored emotionally with girls. so, i came to the conclusion that you don't need to identify yourself with an orientation: who you fall in love with is who you fall in love with, period.
during the spring of junior year, we picked up this awesome class of pledges in my sorority. i was the sorority jokester and i really impressed this one freshman pledge in particular with all of my shananigans. we start hanging out a lot. we find out we have muchos things in common, but i was still the cool junior to her.
during the summer, she sends me cards and drives 2 hours to see me when i have surgery. well, the beginning of my senior year rolls around and she moves onto my hall, diagonally across from me (while my 2 best friends who are seniors are next door). well, we just have a blast because there's all of us on this hall. we go out, drink in our rooms (even though we're not allowed)--it's a lot of fun. i start dating this guy and that's really special for me. my birthday rolls around and my boyfriend forgets my birthday--he's never around and he just sucks as a boyfriend. i have been disappointed by so many guys by this point that it isn't even funny. well, on my birthday, during thanksgiving break, the florist comes to my door. i think, "oh, he remembered." nope, it was a dozen yellow roses from this sorority girl. i start to get confused even though yellow means friendship. she starts buying me things and really making me feel special, something my boyfriend didn't. she wanders into my best friend's room when i'm not around and asks where i am all the time, if i'm not there (hey, it's nice to be missed). by feb. of senior year, i'm starting to realize that i'm having very strong feelings about her...my whole day starts to revolve around her, especially when she starts dating a guy. i'm always giving her back rubs, we're always having play fights, etc. we're just flirting all the freakin' time. and neither of us speaks AT ALL about our boyfriends/kissing other boys to each other...it's like forbidden territory, which is strange.
during spring break, i go to florida with my best friends. when i get back, she calls on her way to school and asks out of the blue if we can live together when we're older. later that week, we're pre-partying in her dorm room and she wants to take a picture of us pretending that we're making out, lying on her bed.

a couple of weeks later, we come back from a night of going out to a frat and she is standing in front of my high bed. my legs are dangling off the edge and she's right in front of me: she kisses me on the cheek, dangerously close to my mouth. as she leaves to go visit a guy in another dorm, she turns and says, "don't worry, he might have my body but you have my heart." then turns to go, but then says, "who knows, maybe one day you'll have that (meaning her body), too."

the rest of the time until graduation i spend rubbing her back constantly. i would stroke her hand while she lay in bed, and one afternoon we were lying next to each other with my arm around her, holding her hand, basically spooning. okay, folks--these are not the things that you do with even a close friend, especially when you're doing it with the door closed, by yourself. she'd joke around even and say, "oh, you're in love with me."

once i graduated, she'd call every day, but she just started to distance herself. at a graduation party for my one best friend (who knew about my feelings), my best friend's gay aunt noticed with her gaydar that there was definitely some sexual tension between this girl and i--and the aunt had never met us before. weird. she even drove 2 hours to bring me a basket of my favorite candy before i went on vacation for 3 weeks.

i was totally head over heels. i mean, i thought about her all the time. i'd go out looking for guys to date or make out with just to try to get her out of my system, but it never worked really...until i met my boyfriend of 1 year (we are no longer together). but she was still in college, doing her thing and basically starting to ignore me. i had been so depressed over her that i was constantly going out and drinking--which led to drunken dialing...bad, bad, bad. i even went to grad school 1500 miles from home to try to get her out of my system--yeah, a little extreme, but it worked. a couple of months ago, i finally thought, "what the heck, i'll just tell her." so, i gave her a very casual, short version of what i had felt for her in college--it was nowhere near what i had felt, but it was something. she didn't even remember telling me about the heart and body thing, something which i had held onto as something that i thought revealed what she truly felt. i held onto that scene for almost 3 years, people...and it turns out it meant nothing to her. maybe i just had rose-colored glasses on back then, but i don't know if she was being truthful 2 months ago...i think she did care about me or she was just too self-absorbed and wanted me to be obsessed about her without her getting involved with me. who knows? i mean, i gave her a 1000 hints...she had to have known.

anyway, that's my story. i guess it's a lesson that you should be careful on what you hang onto while you're in love with someone, especially a gal pal who identifies herself as straight, even though she might just be fooling herself (but i identify myself as straight, too, so that's a double whammy). but to tell you the truth, it might have just been that feeling of euphoria, knowing that i had this secretive love for her, that i really loved--perhaps it wasn't even her. we always want what we can't have, me especially. as for now, i haven't really heard from her--but that's how it was when i was living farther away. maybe i ruined what little friendship we had left, but i don't care--i feel as though i was finally able to let go of her because the ball was now completely in her court to do with whatever she wanted. i no longer have to think about what if i would have told her that night when she half-kissed me. she knows where to find me if she finally changes her mind, but i might have moved on by then, hopefully.

Second of all, I'm having kind of an 'off' day today. You know, the kind where all you feel like doing is basically nothing but sulk and mope around all day. Wednesday night I stayed over at Brittany's and it was a good time. We rented the movie 50 First Dates and we had stayed up in her attic just talking for a while after that. Her little sister was always around us so we couldn't talk about much or anything. But either way, it was just nice. We didn't have school on Thursday or Friday because of Halloween or w/e and I had hoped to do something on Friday because other times I had to work, but ended up doing nothing. That was just a downer right there. Then yesterday (Saturday) I had to work 8am to 4pm and I brought along an outfit to wear after work, pajamas and all that nice stuff in hopes of staying over some where (preferably Brittany's). I had called Brittany up and mentioned that the movie Just Like Heaven was playing in the theater. She said "we should go see it." Then, she said she'd call me back later or something when she knew more about what was going on. She called me back at around 5:30ish and said she didn't really feel like going to a movie. She was maybe thinking about renting one, but didn't really know. It was really messed up. We talked later at around 7 and she was reading me things from her Seventeen Magazine. I was listening to her just talk away, like usual. I didn't care though, I like hearing her voice. But then, she was reading this one thing to me and I hadn't known what it was. Like if it was from a song or if someone had said it, so I innocently asked, "what was that again?" and she snapped back with, "were you even listening!?" ...Anyways, we finally ended up going back to her house to watch a movie that we rented. Afterwards, I didn't feel like I was wanted there to stay overnight. Maybe her mom and dad would've been fine with it, along with her brother and sister, but Brittany just seemed 'distant'. I don't know. We were sitting in her livingroom for a bit and then she just ran upstairs to her room. I didn't want to follow right behind but I figured 'maybe she wants me to follow' so I waited a minute or two and went up to her room. She was just finishing putting her pajamas on and she sat on her bed to read her magazine. I sat down on this little stool thing next to the bed and tried looking at it with her. She was reading this one part in it about religion and how now-a-day's teens are making better decisions or w/e because of God. Well, as she was reading them off, one of them was how much percent of teens believe that gay marriage should be legalized or something. She right away shook her head and was like "nope, uh uh." That hurt right there. Then, I figured I'd first casually see if she even wanted me to stay over without having to actually ask, by saying "what time is it?...Cuz I should probably get home." or something like that and if she'd say anything like "but I thought you were staying in town." then I'd know it'd be fine, but when I said that, I got nothing. Just a little "Yeah, 'cuz you only got like 10 minutes to make it home before midnight." I left soon after and cried all the way home.

And all night and most of today I've been thinking I should just tell her how I feel. Because if I told her and she did have feelings for me, I'd know and we could talk about it. Whatever. If I'd get completely rejected, then at least I would know for sure and be able to begin the healing process and try to get over it. All I know is I don't think I can go on, just knowing how I feel about her, and having to keep it a secret all bottled up. Because it's constantly, 'she has to feel the same way' or the heartrenching feeling like 'nope. there's no way.' And that constant up-down rollercoaster thing of emotions is too hard to handle. I don't know what else to do anymore. I think I know what's going on but that's only because it's too hard for me to accept the fact that I have no clue whatsoever. If anyone has any advice for me, please let me know. There's one thing I do know though, if I were to tell her, it would have to be person to person, because I owe it to her and myself to say it out loud instead of in a letter...note...on the phone.

Does she even realize what she's doing? Lol.. It seems like every time something happens.. it's while we are on the stage/on the side of the stage/other things related to the theater stage.

But with us, there was not months and months of build-up, it happened very suddenly when we were in her room changing out of our soccer uniforms. After she was naked and I was mostly naked as well, she surprised me by sitting down on her bed and asking if I wanted to sit by her and talk. Coming from a Muslim country (Azerbaijan) I was pretty naive I guess. Anyway, she told me she loved me and wanted us to be closer. Well by the end of the night we had done everything possible for two girls to do.

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Originally posted by ILoveRyanSeacrest29:
Well, here's another bit of an update...

Okay, this last Wednesday in art class (I wonder why it's always in there?..lol) Anyways, I was done with our last project and was matting it, so I was over at this one table cutting it. Brittany came over and stood pretty close to me and was like "I pulled my pants up high...do you like it?" (Don't ask me why she asked me that lol, cuz I have no clue.) Her pants weren't really high or nothing, but she had caught me off guard so I just turned and looked about where her belt buckle was. I didn't realize I was looking so long, but then I said "Yeah." that I liked them. She leans closer, and whispers kinda like and said "I knew you were a lesbian." My reaction at first was just like "What?!..." But then I had the best comeback and was like "...Psh! If I am, you are." We both started laughing and Brittany agreed and said "...Yeah, that's true."

Then, after school that day we stayed after school to go running and work out. Amanda wanted to come with us, and I would've been fine with it, you know, but Brittany said in 6th hour that she didn't really want Amanda to come with us and that it was just our time to exercise. *shrugs* Well, after school, we ran like a mile and a half, and I even told Brittany that I only did it for her, because I hate running and you'd never catch me doing that on my own. lol Anyways, when we got back to the school and went up to the weight room, Amanda was already up there waiting for us. We didn't feel like lifting much so we walked back out of the weight room and laid down on one of the gymnastics mats. Amanda was to my left, just kind of sitting there, and Brittany was to my right, laying on her back. At first I was laying on my back, but then I flipped over so I was on my stomach and me and Brittany were laying opposite...her feet by my head, etc. Then, we were talking to one of our guy friends and Brittany went to nudge me or whatever to tell me something and she ended up smacking my butt. lol I was just like 'What the...?' and she was like "sorry, I meant to hit your legs but I ended up hitting your butt." I was just like "yeah, yeah, whatever you say." lol Then, we got into the whole thing about if either one of us was a lesbian, then the other one would have to be one too. And then, our guy friend was like "well, when she touched your butt, you didn't object, so that means you must've liked it." I didn't know what to say. lol There wasn't much else besides just more joking around about that, and Brittany had said "Chrissy, if you were a guy, I would sooooo marry you."

I have to get ready for work now, so I'll have to finish what happened the next day at the football game, later.

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Good and bad news I guess. The good news: I'm 98% sure now that Brittany feels the same way about me as I do about her (kind of, like only to a point). The bad news: I'm also 98% sure that she still is against the whole homosexual idea, so basically, she's gonna just keep it to herself and not want to go any further in our relationship than just realllllllly close best friends.

But HONESTLY we flirt constantly! Like if she said all the things she says to me...to a guy...it'd be unbelievable. And I'm learning to try to be more quick thinking and return the favors basically and flirt back. But to a couple of my friends, I wonder if we come across as "too close." My one friend Levi was walking with us to lunch just the other day and I told Brittany I had another surprise for her. (Lately I've been just thinking of the littlest things and saying I have a surprise for her...this time it was because the other day she said my legs were hairy [we joke about that all the time] so I shaved and was going to show her) Well, she asked me if I added these certain songs to my iPod, and I was like 'oh yeah, that too. and I put another one on there that you soooo have to listen to.' Well, Levi was fascinated by us I guess and was like "you too are so cute...are you in love?"...but she always says stuff like that lol that's just her personality. But I noticed Brittany totally ignored the question and I just smiled and was like "nah.." and laughed it off. Plus, then my other friend Andrea has been joking around about me and Brittany. Like as if we're "together." Oh well...

But anyways...I spose you're wondering how I think Brittany feels the same way...? Okay. So you don't? Well I'm gonna tell ya anyways. lol It's basically a whole jumble of things going on recently and things she's said and done but this one night at one of our school's hockey games, I wrote "I <3 U" in the fogged up glass. She wrote "I <3 U 2". and we went back and forth like that for awhile and then she wrote "I <3 U more than U <3 me." I had an argument now...lol So I was like, "Nope. I pretty much guarantee that I'm 99.9999% sure I heart you more than you heart me." She continued to argue the opposite. Also, for Valentine's Day she gave me a card and wrote all these little tidbits in it and my favorites were "I'll keep you my dirty little secret! jk", "If you were a guy I'd so ask you to be my Valentine!", and "I <3 you more than Shaun White, Clay Aiken, and 22"...22's a code name for this guy she's been like in love with so for her to finally say something like that...means so much you have no idea. Like she says that '22' feels like "the one"...well if she <3's me more than that...yeah.

Another quick couple of things just cuz I like repeating them. Recently, Brittany was thinking it was a possibility she might have mono and I was saying how I don't want to get it...Her response: "No kissing then!" *laughs* My response: "I'll try not to." *more laughs* Just today as I was driving her home and we were talking about what this one guy had said to her as a "make his move kind of pickup line" before he leaned in and started making out with her (it was something to do with a decorative bunny in the corner of her living room) I was like, "honestly, that's not something to say to get someone you like to make out with you. If I was him I would've come up with something much better than 'that's a cool bunny in that corner.'" Brittany's response: a quiet little "I know." She's also made a habit of laying her head on my shoulder when we're close (aka...mostly when watching movies in her attic). OMG I love that feeling! We also have made it a habit to show each other our Victoria's Secret underwear. She especially loves to show me her black ones with the pink polka dots all over and little pink bow on the front. *smiles* Whenever one of us shaves our legs we make an event about it and feel each other's legs for smoothness. We also kind of began this whole thing where if one of us get's hurt the other will ask "do you want me to kiss it?" and then does. I cut my finger and she kissed it like 3 times. She had to have a shot in her arm and I kissed that. One time she joked about me kissing this bruise on her upper upper inside thigh from a floor hockey puck. I didn't end up doing it though. She joked too much so then I did right back.

Anyways, I'll try to keep you all posted more often, if you're even interested anymore...

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~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~

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~"And the wonder of it all...is that you don't realize how much I really love you."~