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Author Topic: Pixie69
Pixie69
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Name: Brittany
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Age: 14
Physical: 5'3", brown eyes (they've been called a dark shade of honey), dark brown hair that reaches my waist, a light tanned complexion
Race: mexican-american (I identify with american)
Personal: I'm a 9th grader, I'm smart (if I say that to my friends they think I'm being concieted and I act pretty stupid. But I scored higher than 98.2% of 8th graders in the USA on standardized testing ) I'm the youngest of two kids (I have an older brother), my parents are married. I'm bisexual in an "in the closet" condition. I have lots of crushes

***Mostly I'll just use this thread for posts on me and my life and stuff that happens. It'll all be PG and I might even put up some of my poems eventually***

Brittany

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I'm so sexy it's almost evil

"...a ready supply of playdough that anyone can create the stuff of their dreams from" - Mz S


Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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Okay, well this post origionally said a little about me and my past, so now it's updated. I'm a cutter, well I'm in recovery. Well actually I'm in recovery again. Umm, I started in fourth grade (I'd push earring posts into my wrists) and have gradually moved up to more dangerous tools. In eigth grade my mom was going through my room (she goes through my room, listens to my calls, reads my notes etc just because "teenagers can't be trusted") and she found a bloody razor blade. I went to a therapist for a while and then stopped (going to therapy). I was good and didn't cut for six months. Then I started again and I got into a fight with my friend. In order to hurt me that "best friend" called up my parents and told them that she was worried blah blah blah (she didn't do it to help, she did it to be cruel) and then I convinced my dad it was all lies. However my mom knows me better, saw new scars/scabs, and ugh, that night sucked. So yeah, I'm in recovery again.

I'm bisexual, one friend knows about it, tons of people on the net know about it, my parents don't know. Ugh. My mom wants grandbabies more than anything but she doesn't think lesbians or gays should adopt/have kids. Let's see if she ever gets to see my children! Sorry, I'm kind of passionate about that.

And I gess that's abot it...

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I'm so sexy it's almost evil

"...a ready supply of playdough that anyone can create the stuff of their dreams from" - Mz S

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 02-25-2001).]


Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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Edited to get rid of those godawful poems and put up my latest....

What I Left Behind

I look into your eyes,
And wonder why they never seemed so blue,
Before they answer I turn away,
For I am weak and can't stand the pain.
I saw inside them the look of someone,
Who had hurt his love,
And been hurt worse.
I feel the cold hard tabletop,
Beneath my sitting form,
Why didn't it feel so cold and hard before?
Oh that's right, I was too in love to notice.
The wind whips my long hair against my face,
I wonder, momentarily, if you sent it here to slap me.
No, no, you wouldn't do that.
My pant leg is raised,
my ankle exposed,
I angrily shove it down,
Hiding the words I carved thee last night.
I reach out and save a slip of paper,
Before the wind could take it into the cruel world,
The same way you once saved me.
The fortune cookie paper says: "make yourself happy first, then worry about others"
This is my cue.
I hand you the paper as I start to leave,
And cover my old scars with my sleeve,
Because I know you hated that side of me.
I want to say I'm sorry and run into your arms.
I need to crumble before you,
And let you pick up my broken pieces.
Instead I stand tall,
Despite my anger, my sorrow, my hurt, my shame,
You grab me,
Pull me into an embrace,
But I pull loose and walk away.

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 02-25-2001).]


Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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edited because it was a stupid post.

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 02-25-2001).]


Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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edited because that too was a stupid post

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 02-25-2001).]


Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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Oh gosh it's so funny to go back and see what you wrote back in the day! I think I'll go and edit all those poems out and put in my latest one which is almost decent! Well hiya! My name is Pixie69, or Brittany, and chances are that you don't know me. I've been going to Scarleteen since last August and been and Advocate for a while (I don't exactly remember when I started). I don't even know if my name is up on the moderators for the boards because...well i haven't been around. My computer has a problem dealing with the message board system so I haven't been able to post, but I made a deal with my brother and he'll let me use his computer so hopefully you'll see me around more.

I know it seems silly to be so excited to be back but for the longest time I just felt empty on my insides because I wasn't helping people. I want to be a psychiatrist for teenagers when I grow up and I just want to help people. Here I can help people on some of the most important stuff, and when I couldn't I was lost!

Well, I'm 14 (15 march 30, happy birthday to me), I'm from Las Vegas and am in 9th grade, I'm in love with dancing (ballet and jazz). I'm bi...I'm single and have been for a year and am very happy...and hmmm, that's about it. Oh, my GPA is 2.5. I'm taking all Honors classes but I haven't gotten a hold of this whole studying thing...lol

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Brittany
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This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.


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KittenGoddess
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Welcome back dear! You've been missed. *hugs*

~KittenGoddess

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"Reality is nothing but a collective hunch."
~Lily Tomlin


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ThisGuy
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Velcom Bach, sweetie.

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My dream headline:
Britney Speared During African Concert!


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Pixie69
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Every time I sit down to write something, somethign comes up and I have to leave. I only have a little while before I get to go to ballet, but I figure I'll write what I can. my abuelos (grandparents, yes I am half-mexican) are in town. Which means that all that family that we never see comes over. My brother was on his comp, my abuelo was on my comp, my little cousin was sleeping in MY bed, and some people were in the living room, some were in the dining room. I had to sleep in my brothers bed.

I have problems sleeping. No matter how long it's been since I've last slept, I can't sleep. Well not until after 2AM anyway. It's a pain in the *** , I hate it. I want to come home and sleep like I did today but then my mom wakes me up because "you won' t be able to fall asleep later". So what!? I won't go to sleep later anyway, so isn't it better that I get SOME sleep vs no sleep?

Today I ditched (for the first time, with my friend and her boyfriend, we hid under some fake stairs in the theatre) and we were talking abotu how we never sleep, litterally. They don't remember the last time they slept and lately they've been hallucinating from not sleeping. Anyways, I was saying how I never sleep and look like crap and have bags under my eyes and they both go "what!? I thought that that's just how you were. Oh well, it looks cute anyway". Isn't that horrible? They think that I just had funky skin and that I'd always have circles under my eyes. And they think it's cute! (they're both kind of gothic).

And I want to go to a rave and I want to get out of las vegas nad go far far away, like to live with my uncle in Boston. Last summer was so much fun, six weeks with him and it was awesome. Gosh I need to study or something because my grades are going to go down.

Oh yeah, and I'm buying used pointe shoes on e-bay. I e-mailed everyone who was selling pointe shoes (like, soo many people), and asked them if they would sell their used ones. I'm going to decorate my walls with them. gtg.

Brittany


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Mary
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Hey, Brit. The pointe decorations are a GREAT idea! That'll be really pretty You know, I just had a test today in Spanish over realtives, so I knew exactly what you meant when you said, "Abuelos"! That's so cool! LOL. Anyway, I hope you're having a good day Take care

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Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes, because then you're a mile away, and you've got their shoes!


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Pixie69
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Last night I wrote a long post on my comp in order to post it here when i got to my brother's comp, but it was just me bitching about being sad and angry. I better hurry up because my bro will be home soon and reclaim his comp. So what's up with me? Well....I think my friend Amy, whom I've known since I was 4, is going out with the guy I've been in love with for the past 8 months (and we'll call him Jason). Well, I saw them walking up the stairs and he had his arm around her in a more than friendly way, and he walked her all the way to class. It's not that I mind him going out with other people, or even her, since we don't even say hi or give hugs anymore...but she's everything I'm not, quite literally. Very gurlie, cute little figure. She's way emotional, cries all the time, can't figure out her life, and is quite superficial. I love her but that's how she is. And I don't want to see him with a girl so different from me, lol.

Tonight I'm going to THE MEETING. The meeting for anyone who wants to try out for a dance or cheerleadign squad at my school. Just to talk about costs and tryouts and stuff. And I'm going, because I want to be a cheerleader. Well...I'm kinda worried. At first I was 99% sure I'd make it. I didn't try out last year because I wasn't supposed to go to the school I'm going to. Then last week I thought, hey, I have a 95% chance of making it. And now I'm even less sure. How do I know how I'll compare to everyone else? I don't, I've never seen them cheer. I'm just doubting myself, and I'm hoping that my fears will be unneccesary. I'm kind of worried how making it will change my life, because it will. A.) two cheerleaders already hate me. They were on the dance team with me in middle school and they just have an irrational hate for me. B.) two cheerleaders love me. They always try to make me go to parties with all the "popular" people, and to the popular youth group and stuff. Now that I'm hanging with Jessy I'm going more punkish, but I don't want to be torn all the time between my cheer friends and Jessy. I mean, if you looked at her you'd think she would kill a cheerleader, much less be friends with one. I know that she likes me and she'll be my friend no matter what, but I know she won't accept the other cheerleaders and they won't accept her either. *sigh*. If I don't make cheer then I'll do soccer, cross country, and swim team next year.

Hmmm, today Meghan was absent. Everyone was in a really good mood second break. We were all talking and laughing. Meghan used to be my best friend, until she convinced me to dump my boyfriend...adn then jacked him off. And ever since then she's this person I don't really like. Her only friend is Whitney, who I don't really talk to anymore, Whitney was my best friend too. Well, Meg was absent and Whit and I were talking and hugging and laughing. And everyone was just happy and laughing and being normal. Crystal, Krystal, Craig, Trista, Alana, me, Whitney...it was good. Jessy wasn't there. But...she hates Whitney anyway. I kind of miss those days, when we were all carefree and it didn't matter who was mad at who...

Speaking of which, Ashley IMed me last night. She wants all the old dancers (from my middle school dance team) to go to the big performance. She misses middle school too...when we were all friends. When our biggest concern was whether our hair would be curly enough to perform and whether or not there would be cute guys at our performance at Disneyland. I want all that back. I know, my cutting was even worse then, I slept even less, but somehow undeneath it all I was happy. Or maybe just in hindsight I think I was happy. Well I gotta go do my hmwk...sorry about the long post.

Brittany

PS: If any cheerleaders out there want to give me any tips on anything, feel free to post here. My biggest concern are my jumps (toe touches and stuff). In dance we started jumps crouched down on the ground, giving ourselves more power and more time. In cheer you start standing up, less power, and they don't look as good as they used to.


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Pixie69
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PS: I got my transcript yesterday. It tells you all the credits you've taken, your GPA, your weighted GPA (you get extra points for taking honors classes), all the classes you need to take, your class rank, etc.

Well.....unweighted, my GPA is a 2.5. Weighted it's a 2.9. My class rank is 160 out of 946 kids. I know it's bad. The only reason it's so good is that I took 2 high school classes last year, bringing up my weighted GPA and it counts for more, so I'd have a worse rank if it wasn't for that.


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Pixie69
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SO I've decided not to try out for cheer. I'd rather spend all my time and money on something else (like dance). And especilly because I'm thinking of leaving my not-so-serious dance school and going to the Nevada Ballet Theatre Acadamy (it just sounds so great, doesn't it!?). What else? Oh, I want a hedgehog. For a long time I've been wanting a pet and then I saw a picture of a hedgehog and fell in love. I've done a lot of research and now I know about EVERYTHING about them. And then, the best thing happened, I found out a friend of mine (well, a sorta-friend) breeds them! So I went to her house and fell in love with one of the babies. My friend wanted to name her Holly, because she was born on Christmas, but I'm not too keen on the name. Then I thought of Holly Golightly, so the hedgie is now named Holly Golightly. She'll give me a wonderful deal (50 bucks for the hedge, a container/cage, food for two weeks, and bedding for two weeks. All I need to buy is a water bottle and food dish. BTW, most hedgies cost 150 just by themselves). Today I'm supposed to ask my dad but...they're not pet people. They really really don't like or want or have pets, so it'll be hard. My uncle thinks that there's a 2% chance that he'll say no *sigh* So we'll see.

Brittany

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Brittany
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This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.


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Pixie69
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Heehee. I'm back again, on a very permanent basis, until someone gets sick of me So, what's happened since then ^^^ and now? I didn't get the hedgehog. Parents say I'm irrisponsible. I'm only going to Boston for two weeks this summer, which is better than nothing. My uncle is planning a trip to NYC for us (since we were there for less than 30 hours last time) which should be fun. It's been 23 days since I last cut, yay!

Ho-hum, what else? Oh yeah, now I'm going to the youth group (for GBLT) at the local GBLT center, and it's awesomly fun. Cute people everywhere. I've developed a little crush on these two girls, actually, but...

Ugh, why are parents so stupid? I'm quite serious, there seems to be something about having kids that makes you act bleh. Well, with my parents anyway. My mom goes around askign me if I "resisted temptation" and it's just so STUPID (she's talking abotu cutting). She just has this way of saying it that makes it sound like she's mocking me and just asking to entertain herself, and it just makes me want to hit her (no, I'm not a violent person) and say "guess what mom, I was doing fine before you stuck your nose into it and everytime you ask me if I 'resisted temptation' I want to go and cut myself out of spite and annoyance!".

And yesterday, we're talking about whether or not she wants to be a principle and get her masters so fast or what, and it's a nice little mother/daughter moment (which is something we never have. Quite frankly we can't really stand each other), and she says "yeah, so I'm asking you because you're a young adult now, and you have your own thoughts and opinions and I should try to take you seriously" and that just ruined the moment. Ugh, it's just that stupid mocking voice she has "so i should try to take you seriously?" This, from the lady who can't help me with my math homework because she doesn't know how? From the lady who tells me to turn off Bach, who thinks that ballets are boring and who only reads trashy romance novels. And she has trouble taking *me* seriously??? It drives me crazy, it really does...

Brittany


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Pixie69
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double post

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 06-15-2001).]


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Mary
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Hey, Brittany! Welcome back to the boards... I missed seeing you around and having help at the GBLT Relationship boards, because we're just LOADED with questions in that forum LOL .

Ugh, my parents are getting on my nerves too. My dad still thinks I'm 3. One day in the car he goes, "I think I'm developing arthritis... Arthritis is when..."

"I know what arthritis is, Dad!" I didn't say it in a mean way, but I just got so annoyed. He always assumes I don't know anything, and it can drive me crazy.

Any-hoo congrats on not cutting in so long! I know it can be tough (I'm a cutter myself), but I believe in you. You can do it! Go Brittany, go Brittany!

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Don't mess with Texas


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Pixie69
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Grrrl, you remind me of me so much it's crazy! And now you're the baby of the boards I remember being the baby, ha! I'm finally all older and mature. Now where did my glitter and fairie wings go??

Ooh, there's so much stuff I want to say but I don't want to be BORING. So I will say that I do actually have a pair of fairie wings. My friend and I have become oh so slightly obsessed with fairies, so we made some wings, and wore them to school a few times. No one's ever done that before so I felt quite cool and original. Go me.

I have come across a very intersting aspect of me. I can cook. You must be asking yourself "how did you not know that you can cook?", well, I always knew I could, but I never realized what it actually meant. In the past month I've amazed many people "oh my god brittany, you mean *you* cooked this?". Why is this such a surprise? I'm an able-bodied 15 year old, I'm a chick, doesn't it make sense that I can cook? Well, for most people it doesn't.
   What can I say? I'm proud that the words "macaroni and cheese" "frozen vegetables" and "potatoe flakes" never entered my vocabulary until I started spending time at other people's houses. I remember the shocked looks on their faces "you mean you've NEVER had macaroni and cheese?", and I remember my own shocked look "you mean your parents don't cook!?".
   I thought that everyone had 20+ people over for Thanksgiving. I thought everyone made their croissants from scratch and laughed at the Pillsbury dough boy for his unflaky ones, I thought everyone knew how to make six different pies and three different pie crusts, I thought....
  Well as you can see, I thought wrong. And now that I realize how rare it is that someone can cook (muchless someone that is 15), it makes me quite proud. Which is good, because there's not much I'm proud of. Ha, I could probably open my own restaurant with all the things I can cook off the top of my head, and give me the Joy Of Cooking and there's no stopping me. Oh yeah.
   This is kind of brought on by the fact I just got hired to be a 'housewife' for my own house. Mostly I have nothing better to do so I blast my music and clean, and the parentals offered to pay me for it. Since I plan on having a very successful psychiatric practice, I'll probably never be able to enjoy being a housewife again. I hate to admit it, but I like it. And I'm good at it. I love shopping, I love making shopping lists and cleaning and dancing around with a broom in my hand to Veruca Salt. And cooking elaborate meals just because I can. If only I had a few yun'uns to take care of, that would be cool. And as I'm enjoying myself I"m thinking "brittany, what the <explicit> is wrong with you!? come on, you're not supposed to LIKE this. You're 15. Go party or something. Get yelled at to pick up your crap" But I can't help it. I like it.
   A spider crawled across the floor right after I mopped. I have a fear of spiders, by the way, so first thing I do is jump up on my counter. Then I got so mad at the spider for crawling on MY clean floor that I squashed it. I've never killed a spider in my life, I always just leave the room and hope they go away. But no siree bob, you don't mess with my housecleaning. Darn straight.

------------------
Brittany
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Finish the fairy tale that you were drunk enough to start - Veruca Salt


Posts: 1339 | From: Las Vegas, NV, USA | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pixie69
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Ha! I just got back from running and I'm improving really fast already. My mom decided to join us. Actually I begged her to go to help raise my running self esteem, my dad warned me that she ran a mile when she worked out. I kicked maternal bum. She couldn't keep up with us and was pretty much dying. I felt bad about the dying part, but ha! I laugh at her one mile on the treadmill muwahahahaha.

Oh, I also negotiated better prices for my 'housewife' duties. I get paid 20 bucks a week now. It's fortunate to have a mother who's half deaf, because after I agreed on 30 bucks with my dad, my mom says "okay, we'll raise it to 35." because she didn't hear us. So now I get 35 a week, which means I can buy my boots this week.

yeah, I just realized how short my thread is, and then I realized how long-winded my posts are, but I'm that kind of person, I have a lot to say. I've come across a relationship realization, but I'll save that for another time

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Brittany
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real poetry is all based on this old myth about this beautiful, scary, trippy goddess who the poet wants to possess but he always loses her to this shadowy other guy - Girl Goddess #9


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Pixie69
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Oooh ooh, life is sooo good. And I just had like, THE greatest waffles, EVER (if you live in Vegas go to the Country Inn or Country Kitchen or something like that, good food!). Okay, well, I downloaded msn messanger so now I can talk to my very best friend in the world.

I've known him since kindergarten (except I moved for first second and third grade) and then we were together again in fourth grade, but then he moved to Utah, which sucked. But amazingly he calls me every time he's in town, and last year I got to see him for the first time (in FOUR years!) and dude, he's a hottie. So now we talk and he's interested in a little more than friendship, and so am I so it makes me happy because we've always had this weird connection (EVERY single time he calls me, earlier that day I'll be telling someone it's been a while since I've heard from him and I miss him. And the night before I talked to him on MSN I had a dream about him, and I woke up and wrote him a letter, and then I talkd to him later that day!).

So, I'm way happy about that. Umm umm, my mom and I have been talking weird. Silly crazy stuff that is.

Oh, and I got a friend mad at me, I don't know how. Well I do know how, but not really. Because like, here's the thing. This friend, S, has a crush on me. And I know that and it was okay, and S knew that I wasn't ready for a relationship (this was right after I stopped cutting) and S was okay with that too. Unfortunatly, S thinks that I was leading them on, which wasn't my intent. So, I don't know, they just kind of blew up at me the other day and I haven't heard from them since. I don't mind S being mad, and I can understand it too, but I'm a person that likes to know where I stand with people, and if S isn't talking to me that isn't something I know.

I hope I don't lose our friendship over this, because S was such a good friend of mine and I told them a lot of stuff I never told anyone, y'know? but...I don't know. If it's better for them not to be friends I can understand that.

And I have no one to tell this to, because all my friends are out of town or depressed or not talking to me or I'm not talking to them, so I just gotta get it out here.

Brittany


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Pixie69
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Do you ever do something and wonder if maybe it was a really really really REALLY bad idea? Yeah I did something like that. I'm not really going to get into the details of i it but basically S and I made up, and we dragged our straight (but 'bi for the night) friend to gay skate night, and we all hooked it up, even at the same time (is this PG? I don't know...) and errr. S basically freaked out and had a little mental breakdown, and the next morning she woke up kicking herself because our 'bi for the night friend' was straight the next morning (don't even ask...). I don't know why but I just have a feeling it was a bad bad bad idea. And the worse thing? I liked it. Well, you're saying "pixie duh, everyone likes to kiss" but...I didn't think I liked S *that* way (I think I mentioned it earlier) and now I'm all confused and I don't know. I sound like one of those ranting teenage chicks that annoy me so much, so I'm going to shut up now. I'm contemplating starting a thread in Relationships, but really...what would I ask? I don't have a question, I just need to rant....

brittany


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Pixie69
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Well, I met up with S again and I suppose it kind of worked itself out. We're looking for different things. She wants innocence and if you know me you know that's not really who I am, or what I want. And she's a cuddler and I'm not and just things like that. And it's only been 33 days since I've stopped cutting? I don't think I'm ready for a relationship.

I'm working out now, oh yeah I'll be a buff pixie. Actually, I started running with my dad two weeks ago (although I can't run a mile straight. Today we're going to see how much of a mile I can do, two weeks ago I did 5/8ths of one, just about) because I'll be joining the cross country team this year. So I've started doing weight training with the team and I ache everywhere but it's such a good ache. I love the feeling of pushing myself until I think I'll collapse, which is probably not a good thing, but it's better than what I could be doing (ie: cutting).

I think I'm going to start swimming again, since I haven't *really* swum for almost two years (last time I was on a swim team) and I want to be on the swim team too. And I want to start giving myself a nice barre at home everyday because I'm not dancing, and I just realized how long three months really is. It's too long to not dance! And since running is actually counter-productive to dance, I've got to make up for it.

I feel like a fitness buff

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Brittany
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real poetry is all based on this old myth about this beautiful, scary, trippy goddess who the poet wants to possess but he always loses her to this shadowy other guy - Girl Goddess #9


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PixieDust
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Just take your time. You don't need to rush into anything I am sure she'll be right there waiting for you when you do decide what you want.

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"We are the normal"-Johny Rznick


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Pixie69
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I cut myself last night. It had been 36 days and I cut myself. I don't want to tlak about it, but I apoligize to anyone and everyone in advance because my mood is not the greatest

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Brittany
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real poetry is all based on this old myth about this beautiful, scary, trippy goddess who the poet wants to possess but he always loses her to this shadowy other guy - Girl Goddess #9

[This message has been edited by Pixie69 (edited 06-25-2001).]


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Lin
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*huggles* sweetie. Know that we all love you.


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Pixie69
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Okies, I'm better now. I bought my boots. My knee-high laceup chunky funky make me 3 inches taler black boots. Shopping laways makes me happy, but shopping for things that make me feel domineering and sexy that I've wanted for months put me into heavenly bliss. I love these boots. I had to hold myself back from kissing them And the fact that I got them for 32 bucks makes 'em even more beuatiful.

Well well....I just found out that my parents know more about me than any parent should know about their kid, but I have to pretend like I don't know that they know, and they have to pretend like they don't know in the first place. Although it is slightly amusing (when I'm not fuming mad about to kill them for going through my inbox, the ONE place I thought would be private).

They know I'm bi, which makes it all easier. PixieDust is leaving town, and she's usually my ride to youth group since I've been in a closet with my parents, so I'm going to have my dad give me a ride. Muwahaha. I figure I'll just direct him there and when he sees the big rainbow flag and sign that says GAY LESBIAN BISEXUAL TRANSEXUAL COMMUNITY CENTER, I'll just go "muwahaha, you already know so don't act shocked, I'll catch a ride home with someone around 10". Okay, maybe not quite that. But, you get the point. If anyone wants to share how their parents reacted when they came out, that'd be cool

Brittany

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Brittany
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"Just say no" fights teen pregnancy the way "hey, cheer up" fights manic depression.


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Pixie69
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People judge me – for being bi and for hanging out with people who aren’t heterosexual. I wish I could take all these memories that I’ve accumulated from going to youth group and show them to these people. I want to show these people that I’m normal, and my friends are normal. I want to show them how we laugh and cry and help each other.

I want to show them the way my dad smiled the first time he ever picked me up. He smiled as he watched my friends and I laugh and joke around under our rainbow flag. He didn’t say anything to me, but I know he smiled because he doesn’t remember seeing me that happy. And I've probably never let him see me even being half that happy. He doesn’t remember seeing me laugh like that or smile like that or see my face beam the way it did when I stood under that rainbow flag. And he probably realized that no matter what my mom thinks about me, or knows about me, or thinks she knows about me, I’ll probably be okay. I want to show people all this so that they’ll stop judging me.

I want to show these people that when I first went to this youth group I felt so free to be who I was, to act how I wanted to act. And I want to show these people the way my friends were happy when they first came to this place. Because we don’t judge each other in this building with the rainbow flag outside. But then I realize that these people don’t care who we are, or what we do under the rainbow flag, or how happy we are. The only thing they care about is that we stand under the rainbow flag. And that we go inside the building that is protected by our rainbow flag.


I ask myself: what do I want then? Since I can’t change these people, I want to save the memories. So on the days when I’m sad, or when I get harassing phone calls, or when I have to remind someone to “act straight” I can pull the memories out of my bag and be happy again. And on the days that I read about people like Mathew Sheppard, or when I find a website called God Hates F ags, or when I listen to my friend cry because he is alienated for being who he is, I can pull the memories out of my bag and remember that not all people are like that.


In my bag I would carry:

*The first time I walked apprehensively into the room, only to find someone yelling “why is everyone late!? We’re on gay time now! GAY time!” while everyone just laughed and hugged each other

*The first time I saw a girl kiss another girl in real life, and the first time I saw a guy kiss another guy, and they knew that it didn’t matter because we wouldn’t care

*The first time I said “my name is Brittany, I’m 15, and I’m bisexual” out loud.

*The time when a guy asked me unbelievably “You like boys?” when I nodded he said “me too!” (not too many bi people go to the group).

*The time that James’s homophobic group home came to pick him up and we all decided to go outside and “act gay” just to piss them off

*The time when we were talking about what kind of car we would be, and someone said “I’d be the bus that the UNLV football team rides because baby I wish they’d ride me”

*The time when we were talking about sex and losing our virginity and I told four guys that I was afraid of having sex and having my partner wish I was someone else or that I was prettier or that I was different. And then they laughed and one said to the other “does she know how gorgeous she is!?” and they all said apparently not “but honey, I’d be happy to **** you and I’m a *** !”

*All the times I've hit on a guy just to remember that I'm under the rainbow flag, and laugh because I know he thinks it's cute the way the 'baby bi' was hitting on him.

*Every meeting, where we were always laughing and happy, and I've never really seen anyone sad


I’d show people my memory bag anyway, just because maybe they’d change their mind, or maybe just to make them angry that there are that many gay people out there that look normal. And maybe I’d keep a bag full of sad memories. Of all the times that someone has had a frown or held back from crying at our youth group. And I would show people that the only time we were sad about our sexuality was when something happened outside of the areas protected by the rainbow flag. I would show these people that after a while we start to judge them the way they judge us. I’d show them all the times we called someone a Breeder (not a compliment). And all the times that we said with disgust “you’re straight?”

Because after a while you forget about the happy memories and you only remember the bad and you only remember being judged and judging people. And then you forget happiness and love and rainbows altogether.

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Brittany
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"Just say no" fights teen pregnancy the way "hey, cheer up" fights manic depression.


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Pixie69
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I think if it would rain, I know I will be okay. I just dream about the rain and I hear it in my songs and see it and feel it, yet it isn't there. I was thinking about the 'erotic anything" thread, and how maybe we don't remember something, but that's why we find whatever erotic. The thing is, I have a memory, yet I don't know how I have it. I know it hasn't happened, so I suppose it's not a memory. It's raining and I'm soaked and just standing outside in it, and the wind is swirling the rain around me. And I can see it dripping off the tip of my nose and falling onto my lips. And I can see myself bite my lower lip like I do when I'm nervous. I can feel my hair wet and wavy (my hair gets this strange wavy consitency when it's wet), and the tips drip. And I can see myself turn around as someone calls my name, and I can see myself smile, because I'm not nervous anymore. I run towards them and we embrace, holding each other close, trying to draw warmth and strength from each other And I kiss them. And I know that I'll never be happier or more in love, and I know that it will all be okay. But I can't see who they are.

I've had this memory for as long as I can remember. So I have to believe that it happened in a dream (I have very vivid dreams that I often mistake for reality, confusing myself and my friends). But my dreams come true a lot of the time, almost like a premonition. And I just feel that if it would rain, everything would be okay.

I just called time/temp. It's 120 degrees F. This is disapointing information. 120 already! It's barely July! Ugh ugh. last summer I was in Boston and didn't have to face the heat. maybe it won't be okay.

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Brittany
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"Just say no" fights teen pregnancy the way "hey, cheer up" fights manic depression.


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Pixie69
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Yesterday there were rainclouds. No freaken joke. I got out of the car at the market and just about fell over laughing. However, it didn't rain, and we're keeping our temps steadily in the 115+ area. Yikes!

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Brittany
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"Just say no" fights teen pregnancy the way "hey, cheer up" fights manic depression.


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PixieDust
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Hmmm...that's quite an interesting um....vision. It's quite a nice one...but not being able to see who it was would bug the crap out of me...especially if I were to settle down...with who I think I am in love with...and then I have that...and it wasn't the face of that person...that would seriously creep me out. I dunno what I am typing...I'm pretty much just babbling now. I should go. Laterz
~Shandi

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"We are the normal"-Johny Rznick


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Pixie69
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It did eventually rain, but...I neglected to go outside, because I knew that no one would be there to call my name, and that would be more depressing than staying inside....

My thighs ache...my calves hurt, my feet are blistered. Is this what it means to be a runner? I don't know Danny-O, how you did it. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I have a horible problem...I can't say "I can't/won't do it". So...I shall just run until I collapse, which I basically did today.

I'm going out to lunch today. With my dear friend Craig. I love that kid. I need to stop calling people older than me 'kids'. We're taking his cousins with us...good cousins from the bible belt...so I get to wear my **** -me boots that I adore, and my bondage skirt, and a halter top. I like to surprise people and scare them. And these cousins have the impression (we think) that he has no friends. The best way to remedy that is to show them that he has few friends because we're all so outrageous that it'd be impossible to have large groups of us. Or at least give 'em that impression.

My hair has never felt this good. I just too a shower, and I shampood, used my new condition (I'm so mad, this salon supply store stopped carrying Artisun, which *proved* that they were all natural by telling you where all the big words came from. This new brand just leaves all the big words there, so I have no idea, but...nothing sounds too chemically and it's what cancer patients use, so here's hoping it's all natural), and then I had to get rid of the rest of my old conditioner, so I poured all that on too, plus my leave in conditioner. It's like a day at the spa for my hair!

I'm sorry, my thoughts are scrambled and all over the place...

Brittany


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PixieDust
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...shampoo for cancer patients????
Damn girl...it's too early in the morning.

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"We are the normal"-Johny Rznick


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Pixie69
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Oh dear god help me. Lunch was fabula, but i am soooo tired. I can't let myself fall asleep until 8pm. 3.5 more hours. I can't stand this. God...I slept from 2-5 this morning, and before that I slept from like 3-11(am). I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't fall asleep tonight....

Please, IM me or do a little dance or entertain me somehow...I'm so sleepy...

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Brittany
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"Just say no" fights teen pregnancy the way "hey, cheer up" fights manic depression.


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BruinDan
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quote:
Originally posted by Pixie69:
My thighs ache...my calves hurt, my feet are blistered. Is this what it means to be a runner? I don't know Danny-O, how you did it. I don't know if I'll be able to do it. But I have a horible problem...I can't say "I can't/won't do it". So...I shall just run until I collapse, which I basically did today.

Britty, your second-to-last line up there is the key. You can't say "I can't", so you do. Thats the way of the runner, right there.

The pain subsides...while there will still be days of shin splints and pain so severe you think you won't live through it, you always do. Sometimes you feel so great when you run that you end up 8, 9, 10 miles down the road...and when you stop you suddenly feel like hell. Or there are other times when you'll be feeling good and be 6 miles from home when a sudden killer cramp will strike. I've had some cramps that I thought would kill me off, made it so it hurt just to breathe (which, as one might expect, is a problem for an oxygen-starved runner). But I'm still here.

Runners are a different breed...I think it's terrific that you're doing XC! Just remember the license plate frames I got for my team at the end of the 1996 season..."Distance Runners Do It Longer"

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broccolidiva
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Oh Brit, you are such a wonderful person! *gives you a huge hug* I can't wait to get to know you better!

Love,
Brocc


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Pixie69
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How I hate you...I hate your stupid practices...I hate your stupid sweat...I hate your stupid aches....stupid cross country.

Cross country is sucking. However, I'm leaving for Boston on Monday so I'm just not going to the next two practices (but I'll still run). And fear not, I'll be able to access scarleteen from my uncle's computer, yay. ::does a little dance:: So...cross country is horrible, but I'm going to keep doing it. Just becuase I'm that kind of person.

My mom and I got into another fight, yay. Now we just try to avoid each other which is fine with me. However, she did bring up the point that I'm afraid of failing, and she's right. I'm terrified that if I do something I won't do it well. So, instead of working harder so I get better I just quit so I don't have to face the fact that I might fail. I do it a lot...my last swim meet two years ago, I did horrible and I never swam again, I was too scared that I wouldn't be good anymore. I *could* get better grades, but I won't try my hardest because I'm afraid I won't be able to get perfect grades.

You see, it's been my problem all along. I was never good enough for my own standards. It's never been good enough for me to try my hardest, I don't see a point of doing something unless I do it well. So we'll see how this all pans out.

This girl on my cross country team asked me to wait up for her today. The conversation was unsettling. I had two classes with this girl last year (although she's a year older, I think) and she never really liked me, I'm not really sure why. So today she's like "you have to tell me some stories" and I'm like "what kind of stories?" (because there are a lot of stories I have tucked away, lol) and she's like "ones about you giving head" and i'm just like "excuse me!?" and her little sister (who is in my grade and I went to middle school with) is like "yeha, we heard you're kind of a slut" she notices the look on my face adn is like "oh my gosh I thought you knew".

Right...well, I ask the older one what her definition of slut is and she says someone who gives head to a lot of people or to people she's not going out with, I don't mention how skewed her dictionary is and how heterosexist that is, but assure her I'm not a slut by her definitions.

She was disapointed, I'm sure. Apparently an ancient ex is spreading stories about me. I hate the vibe that gets sent out by girls so often. Why did she have such a look of satisfaction on her face when she saw my surprise to her question? Why was she so disapointed to hear the truth? Why did she believe the stories in the first place?

I didn't tell her that I've never actually performed oral sex (on a guy or a girl) because it isn't any of her bussiness in the first place, and then I'd probably get labelled...oh I don't know, a goodie-girl or something. This really bothers me, not because I care what people think about me (I'm so far beyond that, I'd drive myself crazy if I cared), but because people beleive it. I wonder what is it about me that makes people believe all these stories about me (and there have been many many stories about me). I wouldn't say that I dress provacitivly, if anything I'm usually wearing super-baggy pants and a sweatshirt. I've only had two boyfriends in the past year and a half...so what is it about me that makes me more likely to be a "slut" than someone else?

No one would ever believe those stories abotu the girl who asked me, or her little sister, or any of the other girls on the team (with the exception of one). So...why me? I do find it amusing, if not annoying.

Brittany


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