Dan ~ *sings* Quit playing games w/ my heart ... LOL!

Ahh ... I haven't written in here in ages! Although nothing really new and exciting in my life has happened. Nothing really worth writing about i guess.

I started my new anti depressants and birth control pills. That's been going well but i get headaches and i seem to sleep more than i ever have. And it's supposed to give me more energy!! Pfft ... It's totally not! I get at least 8 hours at nite and then i come home from school and sleep for another 2 hours. Does that sound like more or less energy to you?!

Things w/ my bf are going alright. We still have our sexual issues ... Such as me hurting all the time and him being too self concious to let me see him (which really really bugs me ... b/c i'm half nudist), but i haven't really had the time to discuss it w/ him. He has a bad cold right now and his grandfather has been given 7 days to live, so i think our little sex issues can wait until things have cooled down. I got to spend all of Saturday w/ him at this "jack and jill" wedding party thing ... and I met a few of his other family members. It was fun

On the family front ... I do'nt know. Things w/ mom and dad are good. But as for my sister ... She seems to be going downhill. She spent all of last week in and out of the hospital for depression. She didn't do anything, but she's talking about it... in letters to herself and stuff. But she didn't forget to call me to tell me it was my fault. Not in so many words of course, but that the psychiatrist at the hospital said she was still grieveing over the loss of ME b/c i moved. I know it's hard ... But it's been 6 months. And just the fact that she seemed to call me just to tell me that, doesn't sit right w/ me.

So i woke up this morning at 8am ... when my alarm went off. I got out of bed, switched the switchey thing and ... BOOM ... down on my a** like a ton of bricks. What happened? Your guess is as good as mine. I think i passed out for a second. I went to stretch and the next thing i knew i was sitting on the floor in front of my desk w/ a really sore butt and a few pulled muscles in my back. What a way to start the morning ...

Other than that, I guess my day was alright. After school one of my friends came by and we went to MacDonalds for dinner. Yummy. Lets clog those arteries some more. And i've actually seen a clogged artery ... in biology. It was really gross. They pulled out this long white stringy thing that they said was fat ... EWW! Remind me never to do that, alright?

I think i might actually get to see my bf this wknd. It's a possibility. I haven't talked to him almost all week until now, b/c his grampa died on Sunday and they had funeral stuff and whatever to do this week ... so he had "bigger fish to fry". That's understandable. I'm not like one of those psycho gf's that demand attn every minute of every day. I can be alone. I do it very well. It's sort of comforting.

I think i'll go lie down and take some more pills. My back hurts. Remind me not to fall on my butt anymore okie? It really doesn't feel too good. I end up walking around like those pregnant women holding their backs so they don't tip over and land on their faces ... weird. I hate that ...

"Ouch!"

"Ooh, I'm sorry, Smurphy... I didn't mean to squeeze your back!"

I hope your body feels better. It's never any fun to fall, is it? I actually fell once when I was *attempting* to do ballet, and I sprained my wrist. Yeahhhh.... It wasn't any fun to go around explaing what happened to people. But needless to say it brought about many days of giggles and laughter between my friends and me .

I really hope you have a better day tomorrow. Take care of yourself, ok? And don't fall again!

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Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow?

I was washing the floor with my friend once when I slipped and fell. I thought I was going to pass out from the pain.

I hope you feel better soon honey.

And yes, a clogged artery isn't pretty eh? They used a picture of an artery with all the fat coming out of it for one of our anti-smoking campaigns. Not that it did much good.

I'm such a mess right now. It's 3am (EST) and i'm sitting at my desk w/ most of the lights off, the radio blaring, and i can't stop crying. I'm fighting w/ my best friend on icq about how i should be talking about my "past".

I saw a presentation in soc/psych today about sexual assault. It was mostly date rape and date rape drugs and whatever ... And i thought i would be fine, b/c i figured most of it wouldn't relate directly to me. And it did. And i just literally broke down ... And i'm still breaking down. I'm not fully broken down. Almost there tho. He (friend on icq) is telling me how i should tell someone exactly what happened ... b/c i never have. It's just been "oh, i was molested" ... That's it. But i remember so much more of it and i just can't tell anyone. It's locked safely away in the back of my mind and only comes out at times like this ... and then it's ALL i think about.

It came out last time i was at the psychiatrists office w/ my social worker, Joy. She asked what i thought started my depression and i told her ... but she didn't ask anything other than that. And i didn't tell her. So it's still locked safely in the back of my mind. I don't want to discuss it. If it ever does come out, it'll be talked about ... even if it's just w/ me. And i don't want that. The fact that anyone knows that it happened still bugs the hell out of me.

But i need "help". I can't do this on my own. I'm proving this now w/ my mini breakdown. And now he's gone to bed so all i have is you guys to complain to ... I was supposed to go for therapy at the sexual assault centre here and i never did. And i don't intend to. They'll just dig up stuff that isn't ready to come out ... and probably never will be. I'm not ready to talk. And yet i don't consider myself "healthy". THIS cannot be healthy.

I need to stay occupied ... or i'll fall. I'll pick up the bad habit that i dropped over a year ago. I'm not willing to do that again. That will result in more hospital stays and i can't afford that. I really will go nuts if i have to stay there just one more time.

I just wanna say that your posts here around ST are the ones i enjoy most! You always have something interesting to say and relevant with a great sense of humor!

I also relate to alot of your things cause it's near my area (kingston), so it's good to know someone else on the boards is from mildly the same area.

Anyways just wanted to let you know that someone thinks you are a wonderful person just by the words you put onto a computer screen!

Silly Girl

Aww shucks ... hehe

Anyway, since i really haven't actually written in here at all since i've started my OD, i figured i might as well.

A lot has happened tho. I won't get into it all. Actually, whatever you really wanna know is in my OD, which can be found by clicking on my sig, whenever it's there.

Right now i'm at my BF's house. If you ever read my OD, you'd know that we broke up about a week ago. I'm lazy and haven't written much lately, but we got back together wednesday. But we're taking things slow. Do'nt i always say that? I think i do. But i mean it this time. I think.

We went to a friends surprise bday party on friday. We ended up hiding in their garage until he walked in. It was freezing and raining and just a crappy nite. I had quite the nite tho. Quite a bit tipsy. Weeeeee ... But i wasn't sick the next day, so it's all good.

Now i'm just sitting here talking to Jody (surprise bday boy) about the wknd. I stayed for Thanksgiving dinner w/ Trev and his family tonite too. And i'm here until tomorrow. I had to sleep on the floor last nite, b/c Trev and Mat took the bed, and Jody and i slept on the floor. I hate ending up b/w the two matresses (two beds pushed together) and it always happens. So i just took the floor.