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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Safer Sex & Birth Control » do i follow my head or my heart?

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Author Topic: do i follow my head or my heart?
MaddleyLove
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Member # 102003

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Hey guys [Smile]

soo..ive been telling my boyf for months that im going to get the implant/pill at my next period, but so far I have faltered in doing so, telling him im not ready.
now its period time again, and im struggling with myself: again ive faltered and don't think I want to do it, but I am at a loss at how to tell my boyf... I don't want him to be upset, its not fair on him if I don't, but I have to listen to my instincts about this, right? :'( xx

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm not sure I understand what's happening here.

Is this "not ready" about not feeling ready to get a contraceptive method, or not feeling ready to engage in a given kind of sex?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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Member # 102003

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not feeling ready to get a contraceptive method [Frown] previously, we've been using condoms, but obviously I want a bit more security than that, so weve been holding off on that kinda sex till ive got it sorted [Smile]

im worried about the side effects a hormonal method will have on me :/

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Heather
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I'm not sure I understand why you not choosing a contraceptive method isn't fair to your boyfriend, or why you holding off on a given kind of sex for now "isn't fair" to him?

We don't owe anyone sex, after all. And in a healthy sexual relationship, everyone respects what each person does or doesn't feel ready for.

I'm wondering how much of this is really about the method, and your feelings about it, and how much of this is about feeling obligated to engage in a certain kind of sex with your boyfriend?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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I don't feel obliged as such, I guess I just feel that I've promised him something and I should honour that... but perhaps that is a kind of obligation [Razz]

when I think deeply about it, I keep having thoughts about how I'm... almost worried.... that he will leave me :/

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Heather
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What was it you promised him?

And why do you think you're worried he will leave you? Do you mean that if you don't have a certain kind of sex with him, you are afraid he'll leave?

If so, then that right there is a HUGE sexual pressure: engaging in sex -- or thinking you must -- to keep someone from leaving? Not a healthy sexual dynamic.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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MaddleyLove
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I promised that we would start having sex again as soon as I got contraception sorted. I really wish I hadn't now [Frown]

I guess I'm worried he'll get impatient with me [Frown]

I know- you're absolutely right.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Well, here's the thing: making promises to engage in sex in general is never a good idea. It's just not something anyone should promise or feel they have to.

Consensual sex means we really can only consent to sex -- or not -- at any given time. We can't really give unilateral consent like that.

Know what? You can take this promise back. You can make clear that your promised to do something that it's not sound to promise.

You know, if we're with someone who wants to engage in a kind of sex in their lives that we're not ready for, it may be we're not compatible. So, it may be over time that people part because one person wants a kind of sex in their relationship the other doesn't. That happens.

But really, it's WAY better for that to happen than it is for someone to engage in sex with someone just to try and keep them from leaving. That's just not healthy, nor the way to create a healthy relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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