posted
I'm 18 yrs old and recently lost my virginity to my bf in the beginning of january. The first couple of times I felt nothing and thought ok maybe its normal. But now its almost April and I'm still experiencing the same proiblem, this problem goes for oral as well as masturbation. Its starting to worry me and consume my every thought, me and my bf try different methods and positions but nothing seems to work. I often feel mytself envying him becuz he is able to feel sensation while I am not and I'm tired of just laying there! I used to fake it and tell him that I did feel pleasure becuz I was tired of tellin him that I didn't, I jus don't want to feel like a dissapointment anymore. Its getting at my self asteem I can tell. I need help I know that this is somthing that can either make or break our relationship. Can you plz let me know what I should do next? And am I brooken? I just want toe normal this is not how I planned my sex life to be.
posted
Let me check in with a few questions first.
When you're having any kind of sex, whether it's alone or with your boyfriend, are you already feeling very turned on beforehand? Are you staying turned on throughout?
As you're doing things, are you trying lots of things, communicating about what feels good and doesn't?
When you say you don't feel any sensation, what do you mean by that? Are you talking about your whole body, or just your genitals? Do you feel your partner's skin? The pressure of their body? The heat from their body, etc?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
When I am abou to have any kind of I do feel very turned on, but as the sex is beganed I feel his body and his skin and his gentails but I dnt feel very turned on becuz I'm unable to feel or reach a climax in other words it feels as though my clitoris isn't working. I'm just there while my bf is able to feel pleasure and sensation as well as reach a climax but I am unable to feel any of that.its kinda hard to explain becuz I'm not sure what sex is supposed to rlly feel like, I kno its not what I feel becuz I'm left feeling unaccomplished and frustrated.
posted
Does this go for ALL kinds of sex, or just intercourse? How does masturbation feel for you? Also, are you very familiar with what it feels like to be incredibly turned on, in your whole body, not just your genitals?
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
This goes for all kinds pf sex and masturbation as well. Nothing seems to work for me. I am planning on buying a vibrator but idk if it will work.
posted
(I edited my last post after you replied - could you answer the last question for me?)
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
To answer your last question I do or I have experienced being completly turned on when it wasn't jus in my body but as well in my mind but it was only about 3 times and under certain curcumstances
posted
Okay. So, if you're not very turned on when you're trying to have any kind of sex, it really isn't surprising that it doesn't feel like much. Arousal is physical, for sure, but there's a huuuuuuuge mental component to it as well, and that can really affect how our bodies respond. A vibrator isn't going to do much if you're not in the headspace to be enjoying yourself to begin with.
Obviously, having sex when you're not into it isn't going to be fun and can be really frustrating, so for now, unless you find yourself really turned on and really wanting to, just don't. If at some point you do find yourself really wanting to be sexual, only do what feels good, and if it stops feeling good, just stop period.
These times you say you've been really, really turned on: have they been with a partner? If so, have you communicated with them what feels good and what doesn't?
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
The times that I am very turned on I am with my bf, but the twist is it usually when were by one anothers home and were hanging out and a parent is home. I'm not so sure why its just those times that I am at my highest point but it happens that way, and with that I will nver be able to to truly kno if I'm able to feel sensation when I'm completly turned on becuz there wud be a third party in the house as well.
posted
There's nothing wrong with needing specific conditions to be turned on and enjoy yourself - not everyone is comfortable in every situation, and that's totally fine and normal. That said, it can definitely be tough to really let go and relax fully when you know that there are other people around, so is it possible to be together when it's just the two of you? (Obviously that's not always an option, but is it ever?)
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
You say its normal for me..but I jus don't want my bf to take it the wrong way, and Yea were alone togetherjust about everyday afterschool for maybe 2 or 3 hours
posted
It sounds like it's possible you both might have unrealistic expectations about sex and sexual response.
Do you feel like your orgasm is about validating your boyfriend or that he feels that way? If so, have you two talked about that so you can make clear it's not about that and it's important neither of you put those kinds of pressures on you to respond certain ways?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I also want to make sure to give you some information that I think might help clear up some misconceptions I'm seeing, lie the idea that not reaching orgasm is about having a clitoris that doesn't work (it isn't: orgasm isn't about genitals).
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
He isn't looking for an orgasm from me or puts that pressure he jus wants me to feel good and feel the connection that he feel. If anyonbes putting pressure on anyone its me I put pressure on myself. I feel that I'm supposed to feel this amazing thing that helps make sex so great and or at least feel physically fulfilled. Instead frustration is all I feel. I don't know why I'm unactive during sex or oral sex as well as masturbating, but I waited till I was 18 to lose my virginity an too someone who loves me and I love and this is my outcome. I guess I let it bottle up for so long that now it just consumes me
posted
One thing I think you need to really remind yourself of is that sex is like anything else: having it be great usually takes time and practice. If you just started exploring sex twoish months ago, you are JUST starting in your learning process with this.
Same goes for your partner learning about what feels good for you and works for you: he's just starting to learn about you, too.
Sex feeling fulfilling is about a LOT more than orgasm: just because people orgasm doesn't mean they will feel satisfied. orgasm alone isn't going to do that for an awful lot of people. Most people, really.
So, you could have started having sex of any kind years ago, or waited another ten years, and no matter what, you'd still have a learning curve. Everyone does.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Can you fill me in on what you mean by that? In other words, what is he experiencing that you aren't?
And which of those things are things you know he is and you aren't, and which of them are things you think he is without being able to know for sure what his experience really is?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Also, have you ever thought about perhaps slowing things way back down, so that you have more time to explore and get to know your own sexuality first so that you don't feel this kind of inequity so strongly?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
When were having intercourse, his eyes are closed he's tlkin to me, tells me it feels good or things like omg. Stuff that indicate to me that he is feeling a great sense of pleasure and sensation where as with me my eyes are open I'm laying there and I have no type of experience going on with me. I have tried to take things back to slow things dwn and start from square one but its like impossible to go to sex back to jus "holding hands". Also I'm so determined to feel something or have the next time be alittle better at least that I suggest sex regularly.I also dnt kno how to tell him we shud take a step back with out offending him or making sure he doesn't take it in a wrong way.
posted
Well, one thing to know for starters is that when it comes to intercourse, that is an activity, by itself, that tends to result in much more sensation for people with a penis than it does for people with a vulva. And if he's coming to that activity way turned on, he's going to feel much more from it than if you're coming to it without being big-time turned on.
You know, it's not anything close to impossible to scale things back. People, of all ages, can and do do it.
So, first of all, have you told your partner you want to scale things way back for a while? What wrong way do you worry he'll take it in? For instance, if you say, "Hey, this just isn't feeling good for me yet, I'm getting really frustrated, and I think a part of the problem has been moving too fast. So, I need us to pull things back, go back to things like just making out, doing some full-body touching (whatever) for a while." How do you think he'll respond?
I have to say, I really question your approach of continuing to have sex when it's not feeling good to you with the idea that if you just keep at it as you have been, it will. because what is more likely to happen in that that won't change or you might wind up feeling even worse.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
(I should also add that feeling like you can't ask a partner for what you need very openly and honestly? That's yet another HUGE barrier to enjoying sex and reaching orgasm.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I understand and I will definitly tlk to him about taking things back for a while and actually stick by it. I have two other questions one is do you think this can break our relationship this issuse I'm facing? And second me and my bf were planning for me to visit an OBGYN or planned parenthood do you feel its still needed since I'm going to slow things down now? We just thought I many have had a medical problem or something
posted
To answer your other question, I'm just a very closed off person I find it hard to tlk to ppl about things especially ppl I feel vunerable with. I just don't want to do or say something that cud put my relationship at risk giiven my past bf's I've been dumped for a lot of outrageous things
posted
It is highly unlikely you have a medical problem. Most of the time, problems with sex like this aren't physical, they're about your heart, your mind, and about the circumstances of your sex life, not about your body. I can already see clearly a handful of reasons why you're having the issues you are, for instance, not not a one of them is physical.
If needing more than a few months to learn to enjoy sex, to figure out what you like, and to become orgasmic would "break" a relationship, then you'd have to know that relationship wasn't so great in the first place. No healthy relationship that's about real, whole people with realistic expectations should crumble because one partner who is very new to sexual partnership isn't having the best time ever right away.
I'd even stop calling this an "issue." It really sounds like you've been moving awfully fast, and that both of you are expecting things that just aren't reasonable to expect. It also sounds like you've been trying to make something happen for some iffy reasons, like feeling you have to orgasm (and maybe also have sex?) to keep your partner around. In other words, what's going on here isn't just about you, by yourself, and it also doesn't have to be a big problem unless you or him make it one. Do you know what I mean?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Can I also check in with you on something else: how long have you and this boyfriend been together again? Did you two have a lot of lead-up time before you started being sexual together, like a few months before there was any ind of sex?
And when you started being sexual with him, did you feel in your life, for yourself, that you felt really ready to be sexual with someone else?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I know what you mean, but being dumped from a year of being pressured by someone I rlly cared about almost a year and a half ago I guess has done something to me mentally even though I nver thought it would. I also know that my bf would nver do that to me and tht sex is not an expectation for him. I knew my bf since 9th grade we been talking romanticly since september and made it oifficial in december and in january I lost my virginity to him, but I wasn't becuz I was forced or that it was brought up. I jus felt I was now ready and that I couldn't find a more special person to share it with cuz I nver met anyone who treated me like a princess and my parents love so much and so do I
posted
If someone pressured you for sex and dumped you when you wouldn't cave, while I'm sure it hurt, it's a good thing you are not with that person. because having sex with them? It wouldn't have given you a healthy relationship. It just would have kept you in something unhealthy with a jerk. hardly a bonus, that.
In terms of the timing with this relationship, a lot of the time, just loving someone doesn't make us ready for sex. How ready you are isn't just about your relationship or that person, for one, it's about you, on your own, your sexuality, and how in touch with it you already feel. If you went into this without really taking the time to do that, to first get in touch with it yourself, and be very gradual in getting to sex together, it's not surprising you're having the kinds of experiences that you are.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Ok I will try to start over again and start from square one as well as communicating better being that was already an issue I had. I just had no idea they were all tied in together before today I was stuck thinkin sex was just physical but now I kno it is everything put into one. I want to be able to get to that point with him, where I can let go of all my insecurities and communicate. How can I get to that point?
quote:I want to be able to get to that point with him, where I can let go of all my insecurities and communicate. How can I get to that point?
Well, that's about a lot of things. It's about self-esteem and self-confidence, but also about really taking the time you need to build trust and comfort. None of those things are usually instant for anyone, no matter how much they love someone: they are things we tend to build, over time.
If you only really started being sexual/getting to know your sexuality with him, you might also need to take more time to get to know it on your own so you can develop your own comfort with it, and get your own knowledge, then move that outward to a relationship. That's not something someone else can just give you or that will be automatic, either.
Does that all make sense?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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If you have a little more time, and you'd like me to tell you why even the term "sexual dysfunction" is one you should ditch, and explain why it's so problematic, especially for women, I'd be happy to.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Okay. So, that term is actually one primarily invented by pharmaceutical companies: in other words, it's a term mostly used by folks who want to try and find a way to make a profit off of people by making medicines that, when it comes to the usual issues with something like this, medicines aren't likely to do anything for.
With women who have male partners specifically, that term is usually applied to basically express women feeling like because they don't like what the guys do, or they don't get off the way the guys do (or want them to) is about a problem with women. And that's not true: what's usually the problem is a) that those women aren't exploring their own sexuality and asking for what they need and b) room is not being made my their partners or in their relationships for the people in them to not need the same things.
For instance, like we talked about with male people usually finding intercourse much more satisfying than female people, or perhaps you needing more time than your partner does to feel comfortable. Those aren't medical issues nor are there medical solutions to them, and those things aren't about anyone being "dysfunctional."
That's a SERIOUS summation of a very big issue -- because this also is a problem when we're talking about disability and some other things -- but hopefully that gives you the gist.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I understand now ..so basically getting intouch our selves sexually first basically masturbation..(yet I struggle wit it) becuz noone else can give us wat were looking for but ourselves
posted
I'd say you're getting the bigger picture, for sure.
I'd not say that no one else can give us what we're looking for, but rather that it's really hard to find out what we need and like just with someone else, and we certainly can't find out FROM someone else. Someone else also can't make us comfortable with our sexuality: we have to have our own comfort with us.
It might help to think about how we say "sexual partnership," and that the word partnership there is important. A partner isn't someone who does things to us or for us, but who we do things with together, as a team. Know what I mean?
And again, don't forget that just a few months of doing all of this? That is SUCH a teeny, tiny amount of time, especially if you didn't even masturbate before, have a lot of talks about sexuality, be VERY gradual in terms of taking the time to slowly be sexual with someone, rather than going from nothing to all, or have a good sense of your own sexuality before you had a partner.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Feeling at least a little better? (You can say no if you're not!)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I do feel better I feel a sense of relief I feel I got the answers I been looking for so thank you so much for that ..right now my biggest concern is on how and if the relationship will change and in a negative way that seems to be where my fear is now.
posted
It sounds to me like the nest steps you're going to be taking are about more communication and better pacing for you, which would include better boundaries and more realistic expectations.
All of those things benefit and improve good relationships, rather than the other way around.
Now, if your partner can't deal with your pace not being his pace, or what you need, that actually suggests maybe *he* isn't so ready to be sexual either. So, if he feels that way, hopefully he can have the care and maturity to recognize that, manage his own feelings well, and realize that that's all the MORE reason to slow things down.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I think the thing to know is that if you don't, if a partner earnestly cannot handle your reality -- which is mostly the reality of everyone's body and sexuality, not just yours -- and you needing a slower pace, needing to ask for them to just slow down for you to best care for yourself and have the best relationship with your sexuality you can?
If that's ever the deal, then you have to know that relationship probably was a lot less great than you thought it was, and probably was not going to turn into anything amazing, but into something that later on, you'd be really unhappy in.
This is you advocating for yourself, and not asking your partner to be anything but patient, caring and respectful of the fact that you're not the same person. That's not anything close to a lot to ask: it's very basic stuff.
Too? If you find you don't feel able to assert yourself like this, then taking steps to do that is really important for your own self-worth so that you feel good in yourself and your life, without which, you can't really feel good, for real, in a relationship. And anyone who really cares for you and respects you? They're going to not just support that, but cheer you on.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63418 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hey..its me again. Its taken me four months and a near break up to realize that I have been making my boyfriend pay for the mistakes of an bf I had right before him. I also think it could also be a partial reason to y iam unable to feel anything during sexual intercourse. My ex bf pressures me for sex and I put up wit it for a year and I believe that even though I didn't give in to his pressure that I some how wash brain washed in an unconcious since. I now feel obligated to have sex wit my current bf even though he isn't pressuring me and makes me feel completly comfortable. How do I began to repair the damage of my self asteem and mindset of feeling obligated to have sex? How do I move on from the past and enjoy fully the boyfriend I am with now because he is an complete gem to me and I want to be able to enjoy sex with him, but I kno I need to get some things in order before I resume being sexually active, being that my intensions for loosing my virginity to him were all wrong. Can I get a second chance or is it to late for a new first time with him?
posted
Have you ever had any counseling around any of this? It sounds like your previous relationship was not exactly healthy regarding sex, and often talking through that with someone and working to develop ways to assert yourself can be really helpful. Is that something you'd be willing to try?
Kudos to you, by the way, for recognizing that now probably isn't the best time for you to be sexually active - that can be tough! I don't think it's too late at all to get onto a good footing with this, either, and if your partner isn't responding well to you needing some time to work all of this out, well then he's probably not such a great partner, y'know?
-------------------- "Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy Posts: 5329 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004
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posted
No I never had anyone to talk to about my past experience but I would definitly be open to going to someone to work through with and help move on from it. I feel its very important that I do so because it regards my relationship my sex life as well as my self esteem! Also my boyfriend is completly supportive on me pausing things for a while, but being that I was once pressured for sex from an ex bf I fear that my current bf would turn out to be the same so I often feel obligated but he hates wen I compare him to my past because he is nothing like that. My biggest concern is me being able to work forward and not compare my bf to my ex who placed me in an unhealthy situation.
posted
hello its going on 2 years that ive been experiencing this problem when i was 18 now im 20 i tried being patient and changing my negative way of thinking to a positive one but still nothing has changed i now have 4 partners and still i experience nothing. but i found a possible new problem. i noticed that i just dont get turned on very much or at all, the last time i can remember getting really in the mood was 2 yrs ago when i was with my boyfriend and we were happy in love. could that be it do i need to be happy and head over heels? i just thought love was required to enjoy sex or get turned on, i hear of ppl having random hookups all the time and it being great so why am i still lacking. its becoming a real buzz kill now. what are some options for me?
posted
Sorry to hear that this is still going on for you. You mentioned in a post above about possibly seeing a counsellor to discuss past experiences- how did that go?
For some people, "random hookups" can be very pleasurable but for others, not so much. Because all of us are different.
When you ask "do i need to be happy"- are you meaning that you're unhappy at the moment? If so, that could certainly reduce your sex drive and arousal.
-------------------- "Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation and that is an act of political warfare."
posted
i didnt end up seeing the counsel or that long she said my issue wasnt exactly her specialty she was only a campus counselor. I dont think i would say im unhappy but that something is missing. nothing much has changed still going back and forth with the guy i mentioned in my previous post the boyfriend i lost my virginity to. i feel like that plays a big role in my happiness since were never stable and when we decide to call it quits and go months living our life and im doing great he comes back and the cycle continues. i dont want to believe that my poor sex life is because of him and our situation because i had times when i was completely happy and over him and was intimate with someone else i still had the same problem. i got my hormone levels done there normal so im not sure what could be the problem.
I sounds like you need to set up some boundaries with your ex-boyfriend if him returning to your life is causing you distress. Can you make it clear to him that you're happier without him in your life?
As for your sexual troubles, the posts Heather made above contain some great advice. I would stress that arousal is a mental as well as a physical thing. Even if you love someone and are happy, it doesn't guarantee that they are going to be able to fully turn you on or give you an orgasm (though it does help). Did you ever have positive sexual experiences with other partners?
Marion
Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
yea i can deal with the ex, and as far as ever having a positive sexual experience with any partner no i havent. i only had positve experiences before i lost my virginity when kissing got me so turned on i felt it everywhere but now its like a dead zone with any guy ,,, i just want to get that feeling back idk how to mentally get there any more my body is responds because i get wet but thats about it.
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