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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Parents controlling Sex Life

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Author Topic: Parents controlling Sex Life
Lady
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Hi, I am currently in a long term relationship with someone (over 2 years) and we both love each other but my mother really hates him and a few days ago she found out I lost my virginity to him. We've been arguing ever since, I won't go into detail but basically she thinks my relationship is wrong and I shouldn't be with him.

Is it okay for your parents to control your sex life or decide who you can be intimate with? Is it wrong to be with someone in that way if your parents don't agree? Is age a factor?


I personally have never seen the link between my sex life and my parents...my sex life is a completely personal part of me, I am really confused. I thought it was all to do if you felt ready and if you gave consent to... Please help.

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Ste-Funnie
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It all depends on how long y'all have been dating the person. In my past relationships, I made a list of these things called stages. That means there are stages to physical relationships. For instance, #1 is holding hands, #2 is external kissing (meaning your just lip to lip), #3 is french kissing, an then it goes on and on till you get to the intercourse stage. I made a list and when I moved on to the next stage, I would check off the previous stage and go along with the next one.

That always helped me know what I'm ready for and what I'm not. Plus it's like saving the best for last.

For example, it's like Halloween candy. Where I would eat one at a time every day so it can last. Same thing with this. Only I ain't suref it's what you did, or you did it too soon, or how long you've been dating, or anything. That's pretty much the advice I have, but I did my best.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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Onionpie
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Hi, Lady! You're right, your mother should really have no say in who you are or are not intimate with; that's absolutely your own private business and she should not be trying to dictate it. It is your own body and life, so it is YOUR decision to make. Sure, she could give you advice if you asked for it -- but that is clearly not what is happening here.


If you are under the age of consent, then that could definitely be reason for your mother to want to intervene so that neither of you get hurt or in trouble with the law; however, if that is not the case, then there's really no reason she should be trying to force her opinion upon you.

When it comes down to it, if there is no potential legal consequences, who you have sex with, what kinds of sex you have, when you take part in it, and in what relationship models it happens, should all be based on when YOU feel ready and give full enthusiastic consent, and what YOU feel is best for yourself. I'm so sorry your mother isn't respecting your autonomy here.


If she doesn't seem open to accepting that this is your decision to make, all I can suggest is to say one more time firmly that this is your body, you feel fully capable of making decisions around this, and that she needs to respect that. I'd then ask that she no longer try and argue this with you anymore. I hope she does learn to understand and respect you as an autonomous individual, though [Smile]


By the way, Ste-Funnie, please make sure to read posts carefully before replying and to reply with comments that are relevant to the discussion at hand. Thanks.

[ 02-02-2011, 09:02 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Ste-Funnie
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What?

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

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CoatRack
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Her question was about her mother's opinion of her boyfriend and whether she had any influence/right over who she dated.

Your post was about sexual readiness. So it didn't really fit in with the question.

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Jill2000Plus
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quote:
Originally posted by Onionpie:
If you are under the age of consent, then that could definitely be reason for your mother to want to intervene so that neither of you get hurt or in trouble with the law; however, if that is not the case, then there's really no reason she should be trying to force her opinion upon you.

By that, do you mean that her mother is right to control her if she's under the age of consent even if no-one is getting hurt and the sex is fully consensual and the comparative ages of her and her partner are such that they wouldn't be prosecuted, or are you saying that if she is under the age of consent AND one of the two things you said is an issue THEN it would be justified for her mother to intervene?

[ 02-03-2011, 08:37 AM: Message edited by: Jill2000Plus ]

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Lady
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Onionpie, thank you. That made it much clearer for me, I was getting so upset that my judgement was a bit clouded. I think my mother is just overprotective and now that I am more confident with my understanding of it I will talk to her properly. Thank you, it was just what I needed to hear.

And, yes I am 16 which is the legal age of consent in the UK.

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Lady
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Also I was legal when I lost my virginity lol. I forgot to add that.

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Somewhere there's someone who dreams of your smile, and finds in your presence that life is worthwhile, so whenever you're lonely remember this is true, somebody somewhere, is thinking of you :)

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Onionpie
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Lady: good luck with your conversation with your mother, I hope it goes well for you [Smile] And I'm happy to have been of help [Big Grin]

Jill: I was simply stating that her mother might be trying to control her sex life because she's worried about legal consequences, not that it's justified. Of course, participating in a sexual relationship that does have potential legal consequences is not a good idea, and one's mother could understandably be concerned about that, however I wouldn't say that one's mother would be be right to try to control their child's sex life.

[ 02-03-2011, 10:16 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Jill2000Plus
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I'm sorry if it seemed like I was shouting, I just don't know how to use italics, I apologise for not making a note about it in my previous post.

Also, just to clarify, I also wasn't saying it would be right for someone to control their child's sex life, just trying to understand what you meant.

Anyway, I'm glad that the OP found the advice given by the staff useful, I wish them the best of luck too.

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Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see.

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Onionpie
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Jill: Don't worry, I understand -- I didn't take any of what you said as shouting. And I also didn't think you were saying it would be right for her mother to control her sex life; I knew you were just looking for some clarification. And that's always a good thing to do [Smile]
Posts: 1182 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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