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Author Topic: Should i have sex?..
Controversy
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I've been with my boyfriend now around 6 months, we are both virgins and him and i have had the talk about sex and decided we both want to do it and possibly soon.

The problem im having is that my mom constantly drills in my head that its wrong, and that its against God to have sex at such a young age, and not being married yet. (im a very religious person, and with her hitting me with the "against god" really got me thinking) She also keeps telling me how guilty i'll feel afterwards and that if he leaves me i'll be constantly depressed.

I think im ready for sex. But she is making me nervous. Should i listen to her?

Thank you in advance.. ~Sam

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Clea
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It seems to me that if you're asking that question you're not completely ready. There are lots of things to consider however. If it goes against your beliefs you have to balance things out in your head. Ask yourself questions about your beliefs and about sex; compare and contrast them. Lots of religious people have premarital sex, everybody's beliefs are a little different and everybody's interpretations are a little different too. When it comes to feeling guilty and depressed afterwards, your mom can't tell the future. You have to trust yourself, do *you* think you're going to feel guilty and depressed afterwards? Those are both terrible feelings, especially when hormones and all the feelings from having sex are added. I think you should know you're ready for sex, not just think so. Also, how well does your mother know you? Does the advice she gives you usually suit you well in the end?
And you wrote about depressed if your boyfriend leaves you. Either you need to trust completely that he won't leave you, or you have to be able to know that you'll be okay with that as your past.

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martinafranklyn
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Hi there, I just thought I'd input here as I am in a similar situation.

I was raised VERY strict religiously and to this day no-one in my family can find out I'm sexually active. If they do I could even be shunned or dis-inherited.

I took a lot of personal reflection to come to the decision that I was ready for sex. I examined my thoughts on god and decided that whatever my religion preached, my own personal relationship with god would not be tarnished if I had sex.
I reasoned that He loves me, He wants me to be happy and He created my organs and my capacity for pleasure.

Of course, you might decide completely differently but just thought I'd let you know how I dealt with the situation.

As for the 'guilt' I felt more relief than guilt. As having premarital sex was not as 'big a deal' as I expected. It brought me and my BF closer and enhanced our relationship.
I also felt I had made peace with my religious conscience so that helped. I would recommend doing this before you decide anything so you do not feel guilt.

Try not to allow your mothers own opinion to affect you too much.
She obviously has your safety and health in mind but at the end of the day, it is your life and your choice to make, right or wrong.
Don't forget she is Never really going to be 'happy' that her little girl is having sex. So in some ways she is going to be more biased against you having sex.

Finally, I had the same issue worrying about if my BF and i ever broke up. I reasoned that if I made my choices in life based on how things might turn out, nothing would ever get done.

Bad things will always happen, and they will not be pleasant. Life is about enjoying yourself and staying safe, and unfortunately part of enjoying yourself is a gamble as to whether you will get hurt.

For example, you may love skydiving. But every time you skydive, you are taking a risk that something terrible could happen. However if you refrained from doing something you loved just because you afraid of every possible outcome, your life would be pretty dull!

I will/would be heartbroken if me and my BF break up. Perhaps even more so than I would have if we hadn't slept together.
But, if I had not slept with him, I would never have enjoyed such a closeness AT ALL.

Hope this helps x

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Controversy
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quote:
Originally posted by Clea:
It seems to me that if you're asking that question you're not completely ready. There are lots of things to consider however. If it goes against your beliefs you have to balance things out in your head. Ask yourself questions about your beliefs and about sex; compare and contrast them. Lots of religious people have premarital sex, everybody's beliefs are a little different and everybody's interpretations are a little different too. When it comes to feeling guilty and depressed afterwards, your mom can't tell the future. You have to trust yourself, do *you* think you're going to feel guilty and depressed afterwards? Those are both terrible feelings, especially when hormones and all the feelings from having sex are added. I think you should know you're ready for sex, not just think so. Also, how well does your mother know you? Does the advice she gives you usually suit you well in the end?
And you wrote about depressed if your boyfriend leaves you. Either you need to trust completely that he won't leave you, or you have to be able to know that you'll be okay with that as your past.

Thank you... i'll take some more thought on it, i will maybe go against my beliefs.. i guess im not completely ready for sex. And my mom doesnt know me too well at all, i don't have a close relationship with her, her advice always sends me down wrong paths..

And i do trust that he won't leave me.. he says he won't so i think i should start listening to him [Smile] I have been thinking about what i would do if he left me, and i would be terribly upset, but i know i'd have to move on.

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Controversy
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Wow! Martinafranklyn, im kinda happy to know im not the only one who is in this situation. When i read your reply i already started to think about it alot more. And you're right, i should try and focus on what is good for my well being.. i hate to go against my family and parents, but i guess sometimes its better that they don't know of some things i choose. You actually made me think a bit differently about what sex really is, thank you so much for your reply! And thank you Clea as well, im feeling more relieved [Smile]
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-Firefly-
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Hi there Controversy,

Martina and Clea have brought up some really good points, so I just wanted to add that we have a few articles on the main site that might interest you while you're thinking about this:

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist
Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
First Intercourse 101

Feel free to come back with thoughts and/or questions after.

[Smile]

[ 12-09-2010, 09:10 PM: Message edited by: blysse_norwood ]

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Controversy
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Thank you for the links! i read them over [Smile]

I know this may seem like a silly question, after reading those pages.. but is a condom needed for sure? if he pulls out before he ejaculates, isnt that okay? or would i still be at great risk of pregnancy and other things?

Also if i get birth control (which i was going to do but not for sex purposes) would i be able to have sex without my boyfriend having to wear a condom?

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September
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Withdrawal is the lest effective method of birth control, so if you do not wish to become pregnant, it would be a good idea to use a more reliable method of birth control.

Hormonal birth control is over 99% effective when used correctly. However, it does not protect from STIs, so you and your partner would ideally want to wait until you've both been tested before you start to go without condoms.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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So i'd suggest a more effective method of birth control when talking with my gynecologist? I know that my mom wouldn't come into the room with me so maybe i could tell the gyn that im thinking about having sex?

I'm sorry for asking so many questions... i feel like im causing interuption

But if you're a virgin is it still possible for the guy to have an sti?

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September
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Don't apologize! Answering questions is what we're here for. [Smile]

Yes, your gynecologist is a great person to talk to when it comes to hormonal birth control. And if you want to get an overview, this article should get you started: Birth Control Bingo!

If neither of you has ever had any sexual contact before, your STI risk is low. But there are some STIs that can also be transmitted via non-sexual means. Also, it's good to get into the habit of taking care of your reproductive health. So, I'd still suggest you two get tested before you start becoming more intimate.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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okay [Smile] and oh great! i didn't know there was an article, i'll read that now! Also, my gynecologist wouldn't tell my mother what i tell her right?

Ohhh alright, that makes sense [Smile]

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Controversy
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See just now my mom brought up the topic of sex again, and my sister talked too. My mom just keeps saying how sad it is, and my sister said its gross! I'm very confident in wanting to have sex. But its just im afraid of being shunned by them if they find out.. I know they must know im getting very intimate with my boyfriend, cause my mom is now bringing up the subject almost every day now. I'm sorry for posting so much, its just very nerveracking.
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Ketrel
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I know this isn't exactly your situation, but I was also brought up with the teaching that sex should be between married couples. However, my position changed personally to a level that I still feel coincides with that.

Basically while I won't wait until marriage, I won't just sleep with someone I meet at a bar or just met somehow.

Basically I need to be sure I love the person, not just am attracted or am lusting after them. I have my own criteria for what indicates to me that I love someone, and if the person doesn't meet that, there's no chance I'd engage in any kind of intimate contact.

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September
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Yes, your doctor has to keep anything you tell them confidential.

I'm sorry that your mother and your sister are talking so negatively about sex. Everyone should have the right to decide for themselves when they are ready for sex, and under what circumstances they are ready for that. Have you been able to have any kind of a productive conversation with them around that? Do you feel that it would be possible to at least ask them to be more respectful of those who may feel differently than they do on the subject of sex?

[ 12-11-2010, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: September ]

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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Controversy
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I am in love him my boyfrend Ketrel [Smile] and thank you for your reply and everyone's replies for that matter. I'm just trying to put my love for my boyfriend in front of my mothers and sisters negative views.

And knowing that my doctor would keep things confidential makes me feel alot better.

I've tried to talk to my mother and sister about sex. Each time i just say the word sex my mom explodes and says how wrong it is, and my sister is disgusted. And i could try and ask if they would be more respectful.. my sister seems to respect people more than my mother.

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