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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » I don't know how I feel about sex anymore.

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Author Topic: I don't know how I feel about sex anymore.
ScarcelyHeard
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In February, I ended my 2-and-a-half year relationship. We took our time when it came to being intimate... we started being intimates six monthes into the relationship and we had sex after a year. Having sex was horrible for many different reasons. He would get carried away and put pressure on me to have sex. He was always aggressive and liked to talk dirty... I am the opposite and didn't feel comfortable with him acting like that. I talked to him many times and tried to compromise and it never did any good. I was naive and I kept thinking that things would get better. The relationship just went downhill from there... I don't know if you would call it abuse, but it was to the point where I didn't feel comfortable with myself and where I didn't feel like an equal. Also, my partner was very negative, couldn't handle being in a long-distance relationship (I'm six hours away at university), and always tried to be right. We had a huge fight and I said, "The heck with this!" and it just ended. I wasn't upset, which was weird... life just kind of went on.

I am dating someone new. I've known him since September and we have been going out for a little over a month now. I have been the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life. Everything seems to be going right. He is just like me! He is on my bowling team and he drives me into town. He is optimistic, romantic, sweet and fun. Everytime he kisses me, I can't help but smile. That has never happened to me before!

He is always telling me not to dwell on past and to just think about the now. He never questioned my past, but I decided to tell him what was going on inside my head. I told him that I had taken things slow and that I had sex but did not enjoy it. He has never had sex before and I know for a fact that he hasn't gone any farther than kissing. I let him know that I didn't want to pressure him into doing something that he was not comfortable with doing. It would make me feel very bad if he did. But... I don't know to sum up how I feel sex.

I think that taking things slow is the way to go... it takes a lot of hardwork and commitment to not go rushing into things, and I just feel like it is romantic and sweet. But... my other partner and I waited... we could have been dating for 20 years before having sex, and I still would have dumped him for how he treated me. Right now, I'm not initiating anything, I'm just letting things happen, and everything is perfect. I just don't know when and if I I should draw the line when it comes to sex.

Posts: 80 | From: Canada's East Coast | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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Whether or not you have sex in this relationship or when you have sex in this relationship is really your judgment call. It sounds like the relationship you got out of wasn't very healthy. Have you spoken to a counselor about it? Most universities have counselors that are free to talk to, and they are still required to maintain patient confidentiality. Your boyfriend's respone of not dwelling on the past was probably meant to be encouraging, but it simply isn't realistic. Not talking about something doesn't make it go away or make it any easier to deal with or hurt any less. That's the kind of thing that does need to be talked about, especially if we hope to heal from it and move on in our lives.

When you get out of a relationship where you aren't being treated like an equal partner, especially with regards to sex, it can sometimes be difficult to start a new relationship and/or to have sex. As someone who was in a sexually abusive relationship for 3 years, I know how difficult it can be. Talking things through with a counselor or therapist can help tremendously. It can also help us to learn what is and isn't healthy behavior in a relationship.

Another thing is, if you do decide to have sex with your boyfriend, then you may want to take things slowly and talk through things, stop whenever you don't feel comfortable with it. Communication is very important during sex, more so when we have had bad past experiences where someone did mistreat us.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ScarcelyHeard
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Speaking to a counselor sounds like a good idea. I thought that I was doing great and that everything was fine, but now I can't believe some of the stuff that I put up with and went through.

My new boyfriend has been amazing... it is very easy for me to be open with him and he is very understanding. I am a little bit uneasy and paranoid... what if he turns around and hurts me?

I'm still in contact with my ex... he's turned into a psycho-ex... how do I tell him that I don't want him contacting me?

Posts: 80 | From: Canada's East Coast | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
orca
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I think you will find that once you start seeing a counselor and working through these past issues, you'll be able to trust a partner again, though you will be more aware of signs and dangers to look out for. You may want to consider just slowing things down with the current boyfriend for a while until you do manage to work through some of those things. It's hard to maintain a healthy relationship when we haven't even begun working through the baggage from a past relationship. You could even think about going back to just dating or friendship status until then, but that's entirely up to you depending on what you feel most comfortable with.

But, too, considering you ended the unhealthy relationship in February and started the new one a month ago, that isn't a very long time between relationships. Even after getting out of a good relationship, most people need a few months to get on their feet again and find themselves. When the relationship you just ended was unhealthy, then you may need a bit longer just to adjust and get yourself in a more positive and secure place emotionally and physically.

As for the ex, I would say just telling him straight out over the phone, or in an email if that feels more comfortable to you, that you don't wish to have any communication with him anymore and that if he does persist that you will get a restraining order. In fact, an email might be best just for the purpose of having a record of it in case you do need to get that restraining order.

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Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail

Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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