I have some concerns that I just need to throw out there because deep down I know I'm not crazy
I have a loving, supportive boyfriend who I've been with for almost two years. He's been helping me get through my abusive past and has supported of me exploring my newly-realized bisexuality before we get engaged. HOWEVER, we did NOT start our sexual life off well.
We plunged into our new sex life WITHOUT STI screenings, birth control, or protection, and it makes my head spin to know that I was that stupid. I guess I knew deep down that something wasn't right, but I hadn't had a lot of sex ed (probably shouldn't have been having sex!) and he was my first and I didn't want to look like a geek for proposing we use a condom. Frankly, I had no idea how to bring it up. He, on the other hand, had had multiple sex partners before me, and never even suggested he wash his hands first.
Flash forward to present, I've been having yearly pap smears/pelvic exams since I became sexually active and have been on the Pill for about that long too. However, my boyfriend still hadn't been screened, makes me feel like a total idiot every time I suggest we use a condom, and acts like it's an inconvenience to wash his hands before manual sex. In short, I'm SICK of feeling like I'm the only responsible one.
Tonight I finally told him that how in the beginning he didn't even suggest we use protection made me feel jipped out of some much-needed consideration. I want to turn our dysfunctional sex life around, but he refuses to read up on sexual health (he looked absolutely horrified when I asked him to read some articles on Scarleteen), he STILL hasn't gotten tested after two years (his idea of STI screening is that I've been tested, and since I've only been with him, he must not have anything. sigh). I love my boyfriend, don't get me wrong. But I'm very tired of not being supported.
I'm not sure what to do. I'm tired of being uncomfortable with sexual activity (manual sex + fingernails = OUCH!!) and I'm tired of feeling alone with wanting to start using safe-sex practices.
Sorry for the rambling; any advice would be great.
-------------------- "It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees" Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006
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posted
Okay, there's a lot of imbalance here, so first thing's first, I think you both need to abstain until you can gome to an agreement on how you will conduct thing.
You are not a geek for wanting to take care of your body. Mother Nature wasn't exactly being fair when she made women FAR MORE susceptible to infections and complications related to sexual practices.
Frame things for your boyfriend in this context: if you really care about me, you'd take the time to care about my body, too. tell him you've wised up about health, and that the way things have been going thus far has been sub-optimal in terms of being healthy and responsible.
If the guy can't be arsed to adopt some hygiene and safety practices, then frankly, he doesn't care enough about you as a person.
Make a date to go get tested TOGETHER. Even if it's soon for you, go to a free clinic (PP or public health) anyway. If he doesn't go, again, think of this in terms of how much he cares about YOU.
If he doesn't care, maybe you should consider finding someone who does.
posted
First off, sorry you've been put in such a spot, hon, it is never a good feeling when someone we want to trust and care deeply about let you down in a big way by not respecting your wishes or concerns. Honestly? It might be time to set some really serious boundaries here - if you aren't comfortable having sex without him receiving proper screenings, or without washing his hand/trimming his nails before manual sex, etc. then there is absolutely no reason you have to have sex with him, period.
If he isn't respecting your boundaries, and if he isn't respecting your wishes and well being, he most definitely isn't respecting you, and you don't deserve that.
From what I'm gathering, you've probably told him plainly enough already, and he's NOT listening to or respecting that, and that's a big issue, and I'm inclined to say that as many reason you may have to want to continue the relationship, and no matter what or how he has helped you in the past, he is not giving you reason or helping you NOW, and that's not a partner worth your time and energy.
So, I'd suggest, at the very least, you sit down with him (preferably at a time when you two are not going to be sexual) and tell him that you're not comfortable having sex until he respects your wishes, and if he's not going to do that, then you're not going to have sex with him. And if he's not willing to respect that? Well, time to reconsider him being your partner, at all.
-------------------- Jean aka dailicious Scarleteen Volunteer Love us? Want to keep us in your lives and hearts? Give what you can! Posts: 3382 | From: Denver, Colorado | Registered: Mar 2005
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posted
I'm so sorry that your bf is acting this way. I know in the past I felt the same way you describe, scared and nervous about saying anything. My current bf and I are in a simalar disagreement over the testing but he is more than willing to use a condom, so it isn't as scary for me. Since I've been seeing him I've had 2 clean screens but am still a little leary cause he hasn't had one yet but we are working on it. He lives in a different state and it is hard for him to get around due to a medical issue so I told him I wouldn't push but that it is something that WILL be done if only for piece of mind. Oh well, hope this at least makes ya smile knowing that it isn't just you. I've been after mine for a year now....
Posts: 108 | From: Michigan | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I'm going to come at this from a similar perspective as Gumdrop did, but, knowing it's likely more assertive than most might be, still want to let you know that a completely assertive approach, from my experience personally and in this work, is a valid one and is one that works.
In other words, personally? This is a put-my-foot-down-and-do-not-budge scenario.
This is, "You ARE getting tested and until you do, we are not continuing to have sex. You ARE going to inform yourself about sexual health if you want to have sex with me. You ARE going to start simply taking out and putting on the condoms yourself at LEAST half the time we have sex, without my nagging or suggesting it, without argument, or we are not going to keep having sex. You ARE going to take you into more consideration like, say, washing your freaking hands or using gloves and lube because manual sex without them is causing me pain, and sex together is supposed to take me into just as much consideration as you. And you ARE going to work it out and be supportive of all of this, or the sexual aspect of our relationship ends right here."
By all means, concede that you allowed yourself to agree to some choices that you wish you had not and would not have if you had found a way to be more assertive, but also if you had had some real support in them. By all means, let him know that this is HIS choice, and one you respect -- in other words, if he simply chooses to do none of this and chooses not to have sex with you again as a result, you will live with and support that choice.
And really, were it me, that is EXACTLY how I would frame it. (Mind, I also wouldn't sleep with anyone, ever, who had these attitudes about sex safety, sexual health and my well-being, and that's my deal. It's not like there won't always be other opportunities, like sex with someone like that is worth it, or like there isn't a vibrator right there when I need one and there isn't a partner around who'll earnestly act like one.) You might not be up to that, but I'd at least consider some flavor of that, and know that there are plenty of women who DO frame it just like that in such a situation, myself included.
And you bet your rump that when you set that firm a boundary, they go and get tested and change their habits. Heck, the few times I've had a male partner, when I held out a condom start to even SAY something about it, or treat it as something to negotiate, I've always simply said "Nuh-uh: this is non-negotiable. You want to have sex with someone else for whom it isn't, that's cool, but I'm not that girl." End of story, and you know, I've never had to have that same interaction with the same person twice.
I'm also going to say something which isn't so sunny, and I hope you'll take in the honest spirit in which it is intended.
A partner who absolutely will not support your sexual health and well-being isn't helping you get over abuse. He may be helping in other ways, but in this way, in my book, it borders on an abuse in and of itself, and/or relies upon you having been abused because of the way that abuse can make it so much harder for any of us who has survived it to lay down the law when it comes to limits and boundaries.
Again, that's my two cents. By all means, it's from someone who is very assertive, but a big part of the reason I'm like that with sexual issues is because I'm an abuse survivor, and so it's doubly important to me not just to take care of my sexual health, but also to only have sexual partners who respect my limits and boundaries without question the way I respect theirs.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Hey THANKS to everyone for the advice. Last night after I told my boyfriend I was very unhappy with how our lax our safe-sex practices had been and he left to go to a concert, I put the "Safe, Sound, and Sexy" Scarleteen article in his favorite Internet sites folder on his computer. Then I put a note on his computer that asked him to read it in the morning. Well, this morning before he left for work he said that he'd read the article after he got home late, and was very apologetic. However, I still have to lay down the law with him tonight because I'm freaking tired of consenting to sex I don't feel safe with.
My rules!
1. Manual sex must involve clean hands + latex gloves + lube. NOT hands he washed an hour ago.
2. HE WILL GET SCREENED before we have ANY more intercourse.
There are a few more, but these are my biggest issues right now
This is really empowering, I must say, to stand up for myself. Feeling like I don't have to compromise my well-being, safety, and health for his sexual gratification.
Thanks everybody
-------------------- "It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees" Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006
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1. Where are some clinics that do free STI/STD testing in the Salt Lake City, UT area? I tried to look last night and didn't find much.
2. Heather, I was reading about the "requirements" you need to practice sex without barriers (2 clear STI screenings, 6 months of barrier use, etc). I was wondering about where me and my boyfriend should start off. In other words, if we both got tested this weekend and I'm on the pill, should we start using condoms/dental dams now? We've been monogamous for about the last year.
Thanks!
-------------------- "It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees" Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006
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Per the guidelines of safer sex, ideally, you want to follow those guidelines, even if you didn't follow them from the start. because how our health is at a given time can impact if we contract something or not, it's possible to have unsafe sex for a partner with an STI for a while, but only pick up the STI from them months, sometimes even years later.
So -- especially since your partner just needs to step it up and deal with the deal -- I'd suggest you do the whole schtick for the next six months, until you get that second clear screening back. On the other hand, yes, you very likely have already been exposed if he's toting anything around, so it won't carry the same weight as it would have from the start, and given you are monogamous, you could also do the two screenings three months apart and use safer sex for three months and likely have the same results.
That all said, YOU ROCK, gal. It can be really hard to lay down the law when a precedent has been set for not doing so, and it takes ovaries to step up for yourself. But it always is that gartifying when one does, so I'm so, so glad you could do that for yourself. GO YOU.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63428 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Eww. Not only would I not want him performing sex acts on me, I wouldn't want him touching my food either. Eww. Hand washing is the single most important key to personal hygiene!!!
Sex or no, everybody should be washing their hands OFTEN.
posted
It takes ovaries... hadn't heard that one before, I like it. I'm still not sure I really understand properly what the need is for the second test, six months later... could you explain that? I'm confused. :S Personally, fallchild, I think the fact that he's given you a hard time over this is pretty hard to come back from anyway - sure, if he gets his act together, and I mean really scrubs up (pun intended), then that's fine - but I'd still be wary about the fact that he did act like a real pig (the metaphoric possibilities are endless). Seriously, you have to wonder what kind of person acts like that. That's my thoughts on this, anyway - if someone acted out with me over contraception, or sexual hygiene, I'd be out of there. P.S. Kudos for sticking your foot down, by the way, I admire that ability in a person.
-------------------- “In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
Really, it's because some STIs take a while to incubate, and may not show up on the first test. It's basically just to make sure nothing's been missed.
posted
Ah, and presumably 6 months is just long enough to encompass all the incubation periods. Thanks!
-------------------- “In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.” Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006
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posted
YAY we have a STI/HIV screening date tonight! And as soon as he gets paid we're buying a "safe sex kit" I said we should get a crazy cartoon lunchbox to keep it all in lol.
All of you sound really concerned about me being with this guy, and I appreciate the concern, but just so everyone's aware he's being VERY supportive with all this. We had a great talk where I told him everything I felt and all the rules we were going to be following from now on and he said he was totally down for it all. He apologized a LOT for how he acted.
This is changing the subject a bit, but if it was this hard to get my partner of two years to get screened and use safe sex practices, how in the WORLD do you talk to a new sexual partner about this stuff?
-------------------- "It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees" Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006
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You have to meet some income requirements (150% of the poverty level), but, if you're like me, that isn't too hard... There's also a Planned Parenthood near downtown (654 South 900 East), but it's not free. And finally, there's another clinic here (run by the state) for any health issues:
3195 South Main Street Suite 200 Salt Lake City, Utah 84114 801-468-0354
Posts: 23 | From: US | Registered: Jul 2007
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posted
Thanks elektra13! We were actually going to go to the Utah Aids Foundation who do HIV and most STI screenings totally free, with a small fee for syphillus and hep B. They're on 1408 S and 1100 E.
-------------------- "It's better to die on your feet than live down on your knees" Posts: 117 | From: SLC, UT | Registered: May 2006
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