I apologise in advance if this question has been asked before, but I couldn’t find anything using the search function that fit my problem exactly. I hope I'm posting in the right forum!
My boyfriend and I have been going out for over a year and a half now. We started having sex after we’d waited for a year, because we were both virgins and we just wanted to go slowly.
Basically, in the 6 months since we began having sex he’s never once ejaculated. He used to get erections easily enough, but now it’s becoming increasingly difficult for him to get an erection around me. When we do have sex, he lasts a while - sometimes up to half an hour but he gets tired and we stop. Neither of us gets particularly satisfied. I’ve heard that this happens to some men, so I’m not stressed about it - although admittedly my initial private thoughts were (OMG is it me??)
I’ve tried talking to him about the problem, but unsurprisingly he seemed upset by it. The fact that he doesn’t ejaculate, although sort of frustrating for me, isn’t the issue. I want to talk to him about it, to let him know that it’s not important to me, only that he enjoys himself and that he’s comfortable. I don’t want him to feel pressured. But I know that he’s sensitive about it, which I think is why we’re having sex less and less often.
On the one occasion that we did discuss it, he told me he was planning on going to the doctor about it. However when we discussed doctors later (I’d been to my doctor about a possible ear infection) he told me he hadn’t been.
We’ve been trying to do other sexual stuff, since he isn’t comfortable with me giving him oral sex either, so as to take it slowly and remove any pressure but I know he’s still upset about it.
I guess what I’m asking is if there is any way I can let him know that I care about him and it’s his feelings that matter to me - not his sexual technique - without discussing it outright, and if anyone knows a possible solution, aside from being intimate in other ways.
He’s a really great guy and I love him to bits.
Sorry for the long post, and thanks in advance.
Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
ahh this sounds so familiar.. this is what my last relationship was like. i was trying to find the thread where i posted about a similar problem, but i cant find it.
the more we tried to have sex, the more it happened and i think the more my ex was insecure and uncomfortable about it. likewise he was uncomfortable with oral sex, after quite a while we managed manual sex, and likewise with sex it always went on for a long time with little pleasure, and no orgasm.
whenever i tried to discuss it with him i think i made it sound as if it were more of a problem to me, and i did my best to try and let him know that i didnt want to be pushing him, and that the sexual side of our relationship wasnt as important as how much i loved him i tried suggesting things like he masturbated while we were together to become more comfortable around me, and showed me what he liked, and tried asking him to be more direct with me about what he enjoyed. i hope that helps a little.
Posts: 76 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
Thank you for your reply. I would have responded sooner, but I’ve only just gotten home from work.
It sounds exactly like my situation. Did he agree to try masturbation in front of you? If so, did it help to ease the problem? Unfortunately, my guy is one of the shyest guys I’ve ever known - but then, I’m not exactly an exhibitionist myself. I don’t think he’d agree to try that approach and based on what I know his reaction would be, I’d be too embarrassed to bring it up.
Thanks for your help though, I’ll try and be more direct when I ask him what he likes, we haven’t been able to have sex with me on top yet, because we simply can’t.. er.. get it in. But if we keep trying that approach, he might prefer that so it’s worth a try. I’ve also tried kissing his stomach, which he does enjoy, and gently massaging his sides and back, but he’s extremely ticklish so I have to be careful not to kill the mood. >_<
Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
he didnt agree to masturbation in front of me, i dont know how appropriate it is of me to mention this, but it was suggested to me in my thread, during manual sex to try different pressures, speeds.
the only way we ever managed to have sex was with me on top.
and again, im unsure if this is appropriate, but the only times we seemed to progress sexually, neither of us were exactly sober, and im not endorsing that at all.
Posts: 76 | From: Australia | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
PurpleOne, did you say that you are also not enjoying yourself and/or having fun? May I comment on that?
As per enjoying yourself, don't do things that aren't going to be enjoyable. Sex really is about enjoying yourselves together and having fun. Have you reminded both him and YOURSELF that? It might help to go into it tickling each other or whatever to lighten the mood... sex is supposed to be fun! And it is definitely okay to laugh!!
Also, as far as neither of you having an orgasm... have you told him that you are still enjoying yourself (if you are... I hope you are), and that you don't care if you do or don't orgasm. By the way, most women don't orgasm just from having intercourse, so it's not that big of a deal.
Sex is about enjoyment. If he feels like you aren't satisfied, he might have a hard time letting go and just enjoying himself. If you feel like he's unsatisfied it might be hard for you to enjoy yourself. Obviously, one must care about the other person and his/her comfort, but focusing just on that and the orgasm is probably taking away from your own enjoyment and ability to please another person.
Sometimes I wonder if what I say makes sense or if I've talked in too many circles to be understood... sorry if that's the case this time, but I do hope you catch what I'm trying to say!!! Have fun and then maybe he'll be able to let go and have fun too
posted
I admit, I’ve never had an orgasm during any kind of sexual activity with him, and it does hurt sometimes until we’re well into our stride, but it’s a minimal pain. But, I do enjoy having sex with him. It sounds so daft, but it’s the fact that we’re being that close. I like the sex. =)
I tickle him occasionally, but as I said it tends to kill the mood because that’s one of the reasons he loses an erection. I try and show him I’m satisfied, but I don’t really make much noise, I try to show him through kissing and my facial expressions. I dunno, I feel silly trying to explain it.
Thank you so much though, it makes a lot of sense. Sex doesn’t have to be like that, because it’s meant to be enjoyed, so do whatever it takes to have fun. Thanks for the reply. =)
Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I know how surprising it is that men can be very sensitive to us, like if we're not satisfied it's a huge mood killer, they feel inadequate. But I don't get the feeling that that's his major problem here. He was a virgin before, right? Perhaps it is that he's just having problems letting go in the moment, he's nervous, uptight or something. I know that being nervous makes my boyfriend orgasm more quickly, and being sick makes him lose interest and energy. Maybe being uncomfortable makes your boyfriend clam up.
I'm by no means an expert, as I haven't had vaginal sex before, but I would perhaps suggest backing off from penetrative sex. Maybe investigate other methods, or just shed the clothes and cuddle without progressing any further, just to get comfortable with one another. I know nakedness made me very nervous for a while, but skin-to-skin contact, once one gets used to it, can be a comforting, close thing. He could become more comfortable with you and feel less pressured.
I don't know if I'm allowed to ask this but, will he try new things with you?
Posts: 48 | From: North of Hell South of Paradise | Registered: Mar 2007
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We've tried other things, but I hadn't considered just cuddling whilst naked. So I'll definitely give that a try.
Well, in case it isn't allowed by the site rules, I won't give specifics. He will try some new things but he doesn't seem comfortable doing others. I've never given him any.. stimulation.. down there and we only ever have sex in my room, for some reason.
and thank you for the article Heather, I'm going to read it right now.
Posts: 4 | From: UK | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
Yes Heather that was a fabulous article. I didn't get through all the pages because my roommate came in *sigh* so I had to get rid of it, but I will visit it again. And you're definitely welcome Purple One, it's all about the joy of the journey. ;-)
Best of luck!!
Posts: 48 | From: North of Hell South of Paradise | Registered: Mar 2007
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posted
I think it is important to remember that sometimes it's best to stop having intercourse for a while until both partners are able to discuss the problems they are having with each other freely. Also remember that while pleasure and enjoyment are a MUST, orgasms really aren't. I'm glad Heather put that article up there, it had completely slipped my mind Do read it, and maybe take some suggestions. Make sure you are both (you and your partner) ready to have sex and communicate openly before trying again
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