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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » "Don't do it if you don't want to"

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Author Topic: "Don't do it if you don't want to"
Stila
Neophyte
Member # 30611

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Oftentimes, a "neophyte" will post something about being uncomfortable about performing a sexual position or sexual deed (ex. swallowing a man's semen). The first response is usually to not do something if we're not comfortable.

But what happened to sex being about two people coming together? I think that sex is just another great part of a relationship and it should involve some sacrifice. Things are not always going to go your way in a relationship and sex is kind of the same. I guess this is more on a personal level, but I feel that if you really care about your partner you would want to sacrifice some of the feelings you have towards doing some things and want to give them the pleasure that they desire.

Sorry, I have tried to make some sense here, but I hope that you guys have some thoughts on this. Thanks!

Posts: 39 | From: Montreal | Registered: Sep 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
KittenGoddess
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The problem is though, that once you start doing activities that you're not comfortable with, it really isn't about the relationship anymore, it's about barter. And if you are not comfortable with an activity, should that really be something that a partner would ask you to do if they really care about YOU?

Sure, relationships involve sacrifice at times. If my partner is in the mood for tacos, but I'm not, then we might have tacos tonight. But then I'm going to expect that we'll have something for dinner on another night that I really want. That's fine when it comes to dinner...but not so much when we're talking about sex. I won't be harmed in any way...mentally or physically...by not having tacos for dinner tonight. I won't resent the fact that I didn't get to have a shrimp dinner. But if I'm mentally or emotionally uncomfortable with something that my partner has asked me to do, I guarantee that there will be some type of backlash from that. Even if I try to see it as me selflessly sacrificing for my partner...I certainly won't enjoy what's going on if I'm not comfortable, I eventually may resent the person for not caring about me enough to see my discomfort and think about my feelings, or I may then expect my partner to eventually do something they don't want to do so that we can be "even". That's not a healthy way to have a relationship.

The bottom line is that swallowing or doing something sexual is NOT a life or death matter. It's not like asking someone for a kidney or a lung. Your partner will survive if you don't swallow (or whatever). They won't be deprived of all pleasure and enjoyment for the rest of their lives. But if YOU do something that causes you to be uncomfortable, you may have problems later and the relationship may have problems later.

Make sense?

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Sarah Liz

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LucysDiamonds
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I think the distinction should be made here between indifference and actively not wanting to do something. If your partner has an idea/fantasy/suggestion for some type of sexual activity that they'd like to try, and you don't feel uncomfortable with it, I think you should try it for them. Experimentation is a big part of sex, after all. But when you actually don't want to do what your partner suggests, that's when you should draw the line.

Did that come out properly?

Basically, "sacrifice" could be healthy in that you are willing to try new things that your partner might want to do - granted, of course, that he/she is open to your suggestions - but no sacrificing to the extent that you or your partner feels as though you have to engage in a behavior to make the other person happy, if it makes you uncomfortable to do so.

For example, just referring to what I said in Kitka's "swallow/not swallow" thread. I know that my boyfriend likes it when I swallow. I don't actively enjoy it, but I don't actively dislike it either, and it doesn't make me uncomfortable, so I see nothing wrong with swallowing to make him happy.

[ 09-27-2006, 10:28 PM: Message edited by: LucysDiamonds ]

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Posts: 365 | From: DC | Registered: Aug 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
blarg
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There's also the idea here that you think you should have to sacrifice your desire *not* to perform said activity in order to satisfy your partner's desire *to* perform said activity.

A more appropriate sacrifice would be one made by the person who wants something, not the person who doesn't want it. If my boyfriend wants to have sex with me, but I don't want it right now, then I think the appropriate sacrifice is for him to go, "Okay." and we won't have sex right now.

You're still sacrificing something because you care about your partner, but this way, you're not infringing upon their rights as a human being not to participate. They are not infringing upon your rights as a human being by not acquiescing to your request. Does that make sense? I worded it kinda weirdly.

Obviously, a lot more should go into a relationship than simply stopping when your partner says "No".

Posts: 18 | Registered: Jan 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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