Donate Now
Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Can't be intimate for some reason

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Can't be intimate for some reason
elle13
Neophyte
Member # 19481

Icon 1 posted      Profile for elle13     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have a problem with sex, but I'm not sure where it stems from or how to change it. Right now, I am in a monogamous relationship with my boyfriend of two years. In the beginning of our relationship, we had a very healthy sex life, however, it has been a while since I've had sex with him (or want to have sex in general) and we haven't done anything for close to 6 months now. Fortunately for me, he's very patient about the whole thing, although I can tell he's frustrated sometimes. Whenever we start getting intimate with each other, I end up feeling self-conscious and afraid of showing my body or becoming aware of my surroundings instead of paying attention to the moment, and I never seem to be able to get in the mood for anything. This is unusual because our sex life has regressed instead of progressing or even continuing. At first, I just assumed it was the stress of school and work and moving back in with my parents, but now that I am on break from school, my feeling towards sex hasn't changed. My boyfriend and I have talked it over several times, but we still don't know how to go about fixing things. I know it's mostly psychological than anything because I want to have sex again, the desire is there, but there is just something that is mentally stopping me from doing so. I've moved back home after transferring schools, and our lack of sex began right after. Everytime we begin something, this feeling of shame and guilt just comes over me like I'm doing something bad, and I end up thinking about what my parents know or what they could possibly know about my sexual experience. At first, I thought moving out might make this problem go away, because I was sexually active and comfortable about it when I wasn't living at home, but financially, it isn't really an option I could do right now. So if anyone can help me right now, that would be great because I don't really know who to turn to for this problem, and I desperately need help on how to approach this problem so it can be fixed.
Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, there are a lot of possibilities here, so let's start with this: might you cnsider TELLING your parents you're sexually active so you don't feel so guilty and sneaky and shameful?

That'd be one sound place to start that might help a good deal.

Secondarily: would you say during this time that you have any unresolved issues or problems in your relationship besides the sexual issues?


Posts: 68164 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
elle13
Neophyte
Member # 19481

Icon 1 posted      Profile for elle13     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you very much for helping out. I didn't know who else to turn to about this kind of problem.

My parents are pretty conservative when it comes to sex. They don't believe in sex before marriage, and I'm pretty sure they know my boyfriend and I are sexually active, but I just don't know how to confirm their assumptions.

Also there was a point in time during our little celebate stage where I found myself being attracted to other guys, and considered dating others just to get that new butterfly feelings that happen in the early stages of a relationship, but other than that my boyfriend and I have had an honest, close relationship. He's the person I've felt closest to in a long time, and someone I can completely be honest with without feeling judged. Sometimes he seems like he's hurt that I call him my best friend, because it implies that he's more of a friend than a boyfriend. We've also talked about that, but never really done anything about it. I don't think I'd see any other problems though, because I'm too close to the situation to see it any differently.


Posts: 13 | Registered: Aug 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well then, from the sounds of things -- especially given the timing -- it sounds like your dishonesty with your parents, your your knowing their disapproval, is likely the big factor here.

So, it seems that your options are to talk to them about it, and get it out in the open and/or to live elsewhere.

If you're looking for ways to talk to them about this some things I'd suggest addressing in the conversations are:
- your being a legal adult
- your knowing how they feel, and feeling bad about your values not matching up with theirs, but wanting to be honest all the same
- your commitment to your relationship and your partner's care for you and vice-versa
- your commitment to things like sexual health and birth control
- and again, your strong desire not to have this be a dirty secret.


Posts: 68164 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.

Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  New Poll  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3