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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » passive

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Author Topic: passive
babygirl88
Activist
Member # 9745

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This is not an impending problem, but I'd like to get some input if I could =).

My boyfriend and I have a healthy, happy relationship. We are careful with each other's feelings. This is the second time we have dated one another exclusively for a duration of multiple months. This time around, we are exploring our sexuality. We have had vaginal intercourse once and have engaged in manual vaginal sex multiple times.

I am very passive and quite shy when it comes to engaging in sexual activity. My boyfriend is also quite passive, and I want him to take lead! I want him to be more aggressive, not in a scary way, but I want him to just try things, just go for it. I trust him. He is the first guy I've ever done anything sexual with who didn't try to or actually force me into anything.

On top of that, he also has about zero experience with touching girls/ having sex. Granted, my experience is pretty minimal as well, but I have never encountered a guy who seems harmlessly clueless about where to touch/ how to touch/ when to touch.

This, I think, requires me to speak up and be quite direct about what feels good or what I suggest he could try-- I know, but I don't want to!! Awww I'm too sexually shy for this haha. It's an awkward combination- Him not knowing what exactly to do, and me not exactly wanting to speak up about it.

I have directed him toward this website, thinking maybe it could help. But I think experience is the best teacher, especially for my boyfriend the way he learns.

I really want my boyfriend to initiate things more!

If anyone has any comments/ suggestions, I would like to hear from you. Thanks!!


------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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What's good for the goose is good for the gander pretty much sums things up.

Expecting one partner to always initiate or take the lead isn't fair, and doesn't tend to equal good sex or a balanced sexual realtionship.

You're actually in a great position here: you two seem to have the same obstacles and the same issue, which allows you to understand each other pretty well, if you'd only sit down and talk about this. Have you said all of this to him?

I'd simply suggest y'all talk about this, and come to an agreement that you BOTH will work towards being more active and more communicative. That you BOTH will work towards intiating more often. Be creative: if words are tough, you could both leave little notes, for instance. Sometimes sexual role play, too, is helpful for situations like this: if the "script" is already roughly provided, he might feel a bit less clueless and have the opporuntity (and you as well) to playact more active roles if you don't fully feel them yet as you are.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
babygirl88
Activist
Member # 9745

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This is great advice, thank you so much! I understand now that it would be unfair of me to really expect him to initiate everything. I guess I'm just not used to passive or shy guys, but my boyfriend shows me so much respect and is always telling me that he wants me to feel as good as possible. Because we care so much about eachother and our needs, I think this could really work out well =)

Thanks for the advice!!

------------------
"It's something
unpredictable
but in the end is right
i hope you had the
time of your life"


Posts: 150 | From: !USA! | Registered: Aug 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I agree, I think it really could.

I think it's sage to realize that one can't have one's cake and eat it too in this regard. In other words, if you want a male partner who is the active one, always, and you the passive one, always, in that scenario you are NOT likely to get a partner, who like yours now, isn't pushy, isn't forceful, is equally concerned about YOUR wants and needs.

Assertive and aggressive are two rather diferent things. I believe it's the former you want, not the latter.


Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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