I am in the last day of adding reader quotes to the book, likely for the last time. (One never knows if another round of revisions will be asked for, so.)
And it occurs to me I'm missing something very important from y'all.
So, here's the Big Q: What do you want, ideally, from your sexuality and your sex life? What don't you have now, that even if it seems impossible, you really, really want? What do you want your sexual choices and knowledge to give you?
If you could list your age with these, that'd be helpful.
(Forgive me for spamming my own boards with this: I'll be posting it in more than one area. I blame tight, imposing, scary deadlines for my actions.)
And here's to my being able to be back at the site as much as I'd like, and away from all these piles of paper, at week's end!
What do I really want? What I have. The closeness and companionship I have with my partner. Some of our most heart to heart conversations come post-coitus. It's here, when we are most vulnerable, that we have each other's complete attention with out distractions, like driving.
I want my sexual choices and knowledge to give me freedom, and control over my sexual health. It allows me to choose what happens when, and with who it happens. It offers me complete control over my body, without any questions. I know my body, I know what it can and cannot do, and I know what can happen if I'm not safe.
Ideally, I'd like it if sex drew me and my partner closer. I'd like it if we could both acknowledge that it was an important step and an important part of our lives, without making it such a big deal that we become uncomfortable. I would like sexual contentment - a satisfactory amount of pleasant sexual sensations, regarless of whether they are self-induced or come from interactions with a lover. Sex is an important part of self-expression, and being comfortable with one's sex life is an important part of being comfortable with oneself. I'd like it if I was comfortable enough to be proud of my sexuality, not just okay with it, without demeaning the opposite sex. I want my sexuality to be part of my identity, the way religion is for some people. I want my knowledge to make me more confident, less worried about whether sleeping with someone makes me "slutty", less naive about what sex means. I want my choices to reflect my knowledge, so that I can be sure to have sex only when I know I can handle it, and have taken care of possible consequences. I want sex to be part of my adult life, handled maturely, a source of joy and a way to appreciate closeness with my boyfriend, without it becoming a disproportionately important part of my life.
(Caylin, I should share something with you:
I loved your survey answers that you sent in. There were a handful of surveys I kept coming back to going, "WOW! She so GETS it! What an incredible young woman! Can she be MY kid? Damn!" Yours was one of them.
Eventually -- I have been through these surveys so many times: my office and living rom behind it are littered with piles with a series of sticky-note codes and highlighted sections -- I'd peek at the email and as it turns out, almost all of the ones where I was saying that WERE, in fact, users who had been at Scarleteen for years and years. In other words...
... who aren't my kids, but who, in some ways, the work I do very clearly influenced/had an effect on.
I'm a very harsh critic of myself. In my eyes, nothing I do activist-wise is ever enough, can ever have enough of an effect, can ever be as complete and effective and include as many people as I'd like. When I have a down day, friends and colleagues will often make a point of pointing out all I do and have done, how many people I've madesomething of a difference with, and I can tend to be very dismissive of that, tossing off a "Whatever, it's not enough."
So, in the last couple of weeks, experiencing this -- reading great words, great choices, such healthy approaches to sex from longtime users, feeling so proud of some of you just for who you've grown into -- has brought me to tears more than once, and forced me to recognize that sometimes it IS all enough and it does all nurture what I want it to. And that's just been amazing.
So, thanks. It's so incredibly cool to see so many strong young women coming out of here who I know are going to carry various torches and not just do incredible things, but simply have full, enriching lives. It makes my day like absolutely nothing else does.)
(Bumping this, because I would really, really like to have some of these as well as simply hearing what it is y'all want.)
Posts: 63668 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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What I want from my sex life is what I already have now. The closeness and togetherness it brings. It's hard to say but I think it brings a lot of happiness and emotional satisfaction that I have now. It's because my boyfriend and I are sharing these moments together that no one else will.
I'm glad my sexual knowledge gives me a range of information of what choices I have, their effects, and things that result in me and my boyfriend feeling good. I want my sexual knowledge to always expand to give advice to others so that they can be safe and knowledgable as well.
------------------ -the maker is surely one who makes themself.-
[This message has been edited by taintedclosure (edited 07-17-2005).]
I want to feel like my sex life is safe and healthy. Not all my sexual memories are going to be even close to "perfect", but I'll enjoy being able to look back on most of them without regret (thanks to Scarleteen; see below).
I want to be able to laugh when the occasion arises (and it so often does). I want my partner and I to discuss everything we're going to try, and even the things we're not ready to try. I want understanding and compassion. My partner and I take precautions to have a safe sexual relationship so that we can enjoy the spontaneity that comes afterward. This is good, because the thing I most want is to play. I'm in a relationship that is, to me, ideal. There is a lot of give-and-take involved, and a LOT of communication. What I want is what I have.
By the way: I came to this website long before I started to have sex, and its influence on me has been pretty tremendous. I became the unofficial sex counselor for all my friends based on what I learned at ST. I came from a very conservative household (and town, for that matter) in regard to sex, and it would have taken me years, if not decades, to become as sexually aware as I am now without you guys. Thank you.
Posts: 87 | From: bay area & new england | Registered: Apr 2001
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I'd like to have an open talk about sex with my partner, including what plans we have for it and about it in the future. Before the moment carries us away or whatever. Just to have a talk about it, because it's one of the few topics that are still considered "taboo" in our relationship.
Or to be sure that I'd be safe having sex in the future, and protection would always be properly used. This is one of the main things Scarleteen has taught me. I'd like to be sure that I was safe from STDs, STIs, or unwanted pregnancies. That's all.
Edit: Total deja vu. About an hour after I post this, we do have a talk about this. Incredible. This is why Scarleteen is magic.
[This message has been edited by jewelgirl1 (edited 07-17-2005).]
Posts: 23 | From: Falls Church, VA, United States | Registered: Jun 2005
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I would like my sex life to just maintain. My fiance and I have a wonderful, loving, mutually pleasurable sex life. I'm hoping that during the course of our marriage it not only stays that way, but expands as we find new and exciting things about each other and ourselves.
As per my sexual knowledge, I'd like to be able to share with others and do some good once I finally get my degree (psychology major here with a special interest in sexual education and counseling).
I like what my boyfriend and I have: openess, honesty, love, and humor. Sure, there are sometimes when we imagined a situation entirely different, and everything blows up in our face, but we still are able to enjoy ourselves and each other and our time together. I think that's what's very important.
My boyfriend and I have not had sex (I guess I should say 'vaginal intercourse', instead or just 'sex') yet, and part of me wants to, while other parts tell me not to. Though this wonderful site has done a lot to dispell some of my anxiety, I am not on birth control yet, and I am not comfortable enough declaring my right to my body and my control over it to my parents, so that's why we're waiting just a little bit longer.
I want my sexual choices and knowledge to empower me and reassure me. I want my choices to tell me, then everyone else, that I am a healthy person, and that sex is a part of life, and pleasure is something I am perfectly human for wanting. I want my knowledge to reassure me that I have taken all reasonable precautions to ensure me and my partner's safety, as well as protecting my emotional and mental health.
well, just for everything that's been going wrong down there to just stop! First I thought I had a blood clot in my left leg due to the patch birth control, and then I found out that I had a higher chance of having a blood clot if I continued using the patch.. oh, and that I'm mildly anemic.
And now, after some play with my boy, my hymen, which has been bothering me for the past 8 years, is torn to the point it is partially hanging out of me! So I got a appointment with my gyno tomorrow and I just want all these things wrong with anything down there to just stop so that I can just enjoy myself with my boy and finally have an orgasm. Its just getting so frustrating lately, even though he does thing for me that are very sweet, and other things that feel real good, there is always that little pain cause of the hymen which takes away just enough pleasure to prevent me from climaxing... So frustrating. So, yeah. I would like everything to stay the same with my boy, except for the problems that are happening with my body... those can go away.
[This message has been edited by alamus (edited 07-26-2005).]
Posts: 20 | From: Elgin, Illinois, USA | Registered: May 2005
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Well. . . there's a lot of things that I don't have from my sex life, and a lot of sexual choices that I regret. But the question is what do I want? Well I want what everyone wants. Someone to share everything with, someone who knows you and wants you for you. Someone who you feel comfortable talking about sex and what you want from it. I think that I would like to no longer regret having sex. I would like a relationship where we are always together and feel the same about each other, and there's no confusion. My sexual knowledge is not a lot. But I would like to be able to give my friends advice when they ask. I would like to know exactly what it is that I should do. I want my sexual experiences to be rewarding and long term. I don't want to have sexual actions with more people than I can possibly count. I just want to know what to do and have someone, just one person to do it with. That is the main thing in a "healthy" sex life to me, is one person to share it with. The one person that you are meant to be with.
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