Lately, I have started to notice yet again, that some of our female posters have a view on sex that makes me, personally, very sad. It seems to be mainly a hetero problem, so I hope you don't mind me just talking about "boyfriends" here. Lately we had posts with statements along the lines of these....
"do it "this way" (users describes an unreliable birth control method), he might be disappointed but at least he gets some"
"I didn't really want it (i.e. intercourse) to happen then and there, especially because of my age, but I don't really regret it. I wish we would have waited a little longer."
"My boyfriend brought me up to that room because I was so freaked and drunk and had sex with me to calm me down. That was my first time and I didn't want it"
"Those guys that I know, they are seniors, I'm a freshman, want me to give them head. I really really want to, but I'll look weird when I ask about condoms."
"He gave me oral sex so now I feel obliged to pay him back."
This all makes me wonder:
Where are you, gals, in that picture? How come you seem to think that you can't decide about the sex that you have or don't have? Who told you that you are there to *serve* someone else? How come you let people treat you badly, let them endanger your life, well-being and reproductive future because they don't want safer sex? How come you let them rush you into things you aren't ready for and that you don't want yet? Why do you let people that you call "your boyfriends" pressure you? Where is your fun at being sexual? Are you enjoying what you are doing? You really don't sounds like you are.
I don't want to preach. Or sound condescending. But gals, I just don't understand this. Maybe it's a cultural thing, I don't know, but it makes me incredibly sad to see you not deciding things for yourself but letting other people, who quite obviously don't have your best interest on their schedule, decide about you.
Where does this all come from? Do you feel like you can't demand anything because you need to be happy to have a partner in the first place?
I am just a little puzzled but would love to understand why you feel pressure from the people who proclaim that they "love" you.
So can anyone explain?
------------------ Caro ~spanking new Scarleteen Sexpert~
"We must become the change we want to see." Mahatma Gandhi
[This message has been edited by Alaska (edited 06-11-2001).]
Not a girl, know you meant people. Because I was drunk. I wish I hadn't been, but I was. The jerk said he wouldn't do anything I didn't want to do, then proceeded to pressure my inebriated self into having sex (even if it was protected) before I really felt ready to. I wish I hadn't and I haven't had alchohol since because I know how lucky I was not to have had something much worse happen to me in my intoxicated state.
Happy ending is that now I don't drink, cha cha cha, and I dumped him like a sack of potatoes. I haven't seen the idiot in a year and a half and if I ever see him again it will be too soon. I learned my lesson and I hope you all will too. Don't let anyone make you do things you don't want to do and, if they do or better before they do, have a good talk with them about how they shouldn't.
Posts: 356 | From: Phoenix--name that plurally | Registered: Dec 2000
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Okay, moved this over from the ladies, so of course this is open for everyone's view. It striked me as a very hetero prob (at least it shows up here in girl/guy relationships most often), but of course this can happen to people of all genders and orientations. Just clearing this up.
Posts: 4526 | From: germany | Registered: Nov 2000
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I really don't know where to begin with this. It is incredibly sad that so many people out there (girls in heterosexual relatioships in particular) don't have enough self esteem to make their own choices about sex. If you don't want to engage in sexual activity with someone DON'T. If they say it's not a big deal (no matter what the activity is) and you're not comfortable with it DON'T do it.
Your main obligation is to yourself - really. You need to make sure that whatever you're doing with someone else is done safely and is truly desired by everyone involved.
I don't need to say this. Everybody has heard this all before from you and all the other sexperts here. But there is a definite problem and personally I feel that society is sending out overwhelmingly powerful images and messages that women are primarily sex objects - that this is where most of our power springs from, that this is what men desire us for. There are people that are trying to put other images and messages out there but right now they're a drop in the bucket in comparison. Also, I don't think there's enough of a support system out there for young women (or men)in these situations. If every girl that wrote in had a hundred people that she knew were firmly behind her, wanting the best for her, wanting her to do what is right for HER/HIM, you would probably see a lot less of these posts.
The things is that I'm sure there are hundreds of us out here behind all of you girls/guys - wanting you to be happy and safe. Look after yourselves, you're worth it.
I wrote a long response to this a few hours ago, but my computer wasn't cooperative, so I'll just add something.
Sometimes it's possible to think you're doing what you want to do, when you're really just doing it to please others. Like, I used to really like to serve men sexually because it made me feel better about myself that they would LET me. Yes, I know that's terrible. With my background, I had never even been considered worthy of being allowed to engage in sexual activity. Once people started being attracted to me and wanting me sexually, I was so surprised that I said yes everytime just in case they realized how disgusting I was and I would never have a chance at sex again. It took a long time to be able to look at the situation objectively and realize that there are plenty of people who truly do care for me and that I didn't need to be doing that.
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