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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sex Basics and Sexual Health » Is your sexuality yours?

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Author Topic: Is your sexuality yours?
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Another user posted a comment in another thread that made me think of this.

Do you feel that your sexuality is something which is whole unto itself, even if you are not sexually active, or do you feel that without a partner, or a certain sexual activity (like intercourse) that it is incomplete, and thus, some of your own sexuality is "given" to you by another?

If so, why?

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Heather Corinna
Editor and Founder, Scarleteen

"If you're a bird, be an early early bird --
But if you're a worm, sleep late." - Shel Silverstein


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ErinK
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I think that growing into or discovering or whatever word I want to use the process of finding out who I was as a sexual being happened in large part because of my choices and discoveries, but also with the help of patient and caring partners who were there when I made those discoveries and who initiated some of the discussions or activities that lead to those discoveries.

So maybe they "gave" me bits of my sexuality, or maybe they just helped me open the puzzle box that was my sexuality by pushing in the wright places.

I'm not sure. I do feel like my sexuality is my own, but I also feel like there are parts of me that I wouldn't have found without being with the people I've been with. So if bits of it were a gift, they were mine to keep.

Erin


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Cahuna
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Greetings,

I am not sexually active, nor do I possess a boyfriend, but I am a sexual being. I believe that sexuality is a state of mind and if a person is comfortable with his/her body and behaves gracefully, then that individual exudes sex appeal and a wonderfully attractive humanness. By being born onto this earth, I have the potential to develop my sexuality independently and only procreation and sexual pleasure, not my identity, can be contributed by my future partner.


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rambler
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Good question.

Well, it's complicated. Since I consider sexuality to encompass a lot more than just the physical act (i.e. I include body image, self image, self esteem and a ton of other things) I don't think that I NEEDED anyone in order to discover for myself. For instance, I did all of my "coming out" (twice, heh...oy...) before ever having had a partner -- I didn't NEED someone there to tell me that I wasn't exactly straight. And it certainly had nothing to do with a partner because I had none. On the other hand, I know that other people have definitely influenced how I feel about sex, sexuality, and all the things in between, without being my partner in any way. For instance, my parents, friends and various doctors gave me certain ideas and made me wonder things or make certain correlations or whatever.

So I think, basically, we are social animals and anything we do or think is probably in some way influenced by the people around us (whether we're consciously rebelling or unconsciously conforming or, basically, ANYTHING...), but ultimately we have to come to our own conclusions. And considering that I made most of my discoveries about sexuality before having a partner, I don't think that the partner in particular [has to] play a big role in it all.

On the other hand, having a partner or even just hearing flattering remarks which make you think someday you will can really change self-image and body image drastically. Since becoming sexually active I've felt better about myself because so many of those tiny flaws I saw are just not a big deal anymore. And with previous partners, although we weren't sexually active, just knowing that they appreciated me intellectually and physically meant a lot for me and got me out of the dumps as far as my body image and all that goes.

So I guess that each partner has sorta given me some positive feedback which has helped me, in the long run, piece together what I really feel about myself. As far as giving me the ideas about my sexual identity (i.e. orientation and preferences during sex) they didn't really. I discovered that all on my own, and pretty early on... and I was pretty accurate in my determinations from what I can say I like now. And as far as sexual fulfillment or orgasm or whatever (not always synonymous IMO)... I do get that from my partner but I know how to take care of it for myself on the days when there's just not enough energy at the end of the day...

So I think my sexuality is my own. I discovered it on my own but am now discovering with a partner... but it doesn't really become "our sexuality," because no matter what each experience isn't going to be the same for either of us, no matter how good it is. So--we both have our own individual set of identies and preferences and kinda meet in the middle to have fun.

And yet again I spam you all to death!

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rambler
Visit disabledsex.org -- Disability and Sexuality.
Or, find out how to join the teen discussion list
The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well.
--Joe Ancis


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Siren
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Even when I'm not having any sort of sexual activity with a partner I consider myself a very sexual person. It's hard to explain, but I still feel every bit as sexual when I'm without a partner.

And when I'm with a partner I think of it as we're sharing our sexuality with eachother. He gives me little pieces of his sexuality, and I give him pieces of mine....but it's shared between just the two of us.

I guess I'm saying with a partner my sexuality is enriched.

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Lil Siren


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Gumdrop Girl
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I'm pretty sure my sexuality is my own, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have a little help from various people along the way who have shown me what I can do (and what I can't do).

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loveable me
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We don't live alone in this world and what i want and can not find in myself i am not afraid to seek from others. I have always been a very sexual girl and i have always known this. Some girls feel confirmed most by their work and some by cooking and so on. I feel confirmed most by being a good mother to my young son and in sex. Who was it that said, no man is an island? For him, it was perhaps knowing that others enjoyed to read what he wrote. How is this different with sex?
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smittenkitten
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I would describe our sexuality as a canvas that gets colour added as we discover our sexuality through experience, which isn't necessarily with another person. Our sexuality is never really complete, it is an ongoing process. The most complete picture we get is the one after we have died, which affects the type of sexual canvas we have in the next life (affect the next lifes sexual reactions).

Just a confusing opinion,
Winnie

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alaska
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That was a lovely metaphor you used, Winnie!

I agree with most posters here, my sexuality is my own, and I am generally a very *sexual* being, because that's in my definition, a very encompassing thing anyway. And I also agree with most posters, that my partners have helped me to unleash bits of my sexuality and discover them and let them out. They haven't completed my sexuality, but have helped me complete my sexuality.
It's for me not bound to any certain sexual act; right now, I have no 3D partnered sex, yet I still am the same sexual person I usually am, I just need to find other ways to live it.


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KittenGoddess
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I own it baby!

Now of course, I didn't always feel that way about it. It used to seem like sexuality was something that magically appeared when you got a wedding ring, but I definately don't buy into that.

I do agree with everybody else here who said that your sexuality was something that was yours, but other people just help you unlock parts of it. That's very true.

~KittenGoddess

[This message has been edited by KittenGoddess (edited 04-12-2001).]


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BruinDan
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You know, I learned a little something about this topic today.

I used to think that the sexuality I had was mine and mine alone. It wouldn't take another person to bring it out of me, because it is something which is wound deep inside of me. Something that I can bring out, or can push in, depending on the mood, setting, and circumstance.

As I began to date my girlfriend, I realized that other people do play a role. Suddenly, she could fit parts of my sexuality into place like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. I became aware that she "gave" me things which I didn't have without her...and I'm not talking about sex.

And after today, now that she is gone, I have come to the realization that a big part of my own sexuality is gone with her. I am sure I will eventually get it back, or find someone to give it back to me , but for now I definitely feel like a little bit of me, and a little bit of my sexual self is no longer here.

Interesting, isn't it? I never would have known that, had today not gone the way it did...

--Danny

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Lynne
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Despite the fact that my sexuality is arguably quite broken, it's mine. And I don't see why I'd really need anybody else to give it to me, or to help me unlock it. What I'd define as sexuality is identification, preferences, and actual sex, and I'm perfectly capable of figuring out the first two on my own and doing the third all by myself.

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To the rational mind there can be no offense, no obscenity, no blasphemy, but only information of greater or lesser value.
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