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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Please help

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Author Topic: Please help
ken wat
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So I recently identified as heterosexual. However, I started to think again, if I could do anything sexually with another man. I thought of everything and I realized I wouldn't be able to do anything except for maybe giving a blowjob. I felt that I could theoretically give a blowjob. However I am not sure if this is just in my head, I feel like if the situation was in real life, I would not be aroused by it and would not do it. However, I realized that the feeling of something in my mouth, I like. Could this be because I like eating instead of a penis in my mouth? I am only attracted to girls and not guys, but the fact that I could potentially give a blowjob is making me question once again. I am questioning if this is due to anxiety or it is because I actually want to do it. Is it possible for a person to be uncomfortable with kissing or having sex with a man but be just fine with a blowjob? Logically if it is uncomfortable to kiss and have sex it should be uncomfortable to give a blowjob, correct? I am just trying to figure out if I am straight or bisexual. Replies will be greatly appreciated.
Thank you, ken wat

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kenty

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hi Ken,
I think actually most people just use terms like 'bisexual' or 'straight' to communicate to other people what they are interested in and even just what they're actively seeking at that time. People might have private feelings or fantasies about all sorts of things, without feeling this needs to impact on presenting themselves as bisexual, straight or something else.
It sounds like this has really worried you and you have found yourself ruminating on a very vague possibility that you may enjoy thinking about giving a blowjob. That does make me think that this could be a little anxiety driven, as an invasive thought, much more to do with how you view yourself than how you relate to other people sexually.
It may also be the case that there is space for you to experiment with penises and men in the future but that doesn't have to mean anything about who you are now. In fact, none of us really know what what we might enjoy in the future, so in that sense we would all be as queer as a three-penny-piece. I'd say you're in the same boat as the rest of us.

I hope that does answer your question. It sounds like you might already be seeking some sort of help with anxiety. Is that the case?

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Jacob at Scarleteen
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I'm just reading your other thread and a few of your previous posts ken. I would certainly say this sounds like anxious ruminating to me. Of course that can play into how we want to identify, but for you it sounds like a long running dilemma that there's no reason to pursue, except of course the difficulty to let something like that go because of how much it is tied up in an anxious state of mind.

I would certainly recommend therapeutic help if that is what's going on. Here we can only really talk about what the problem might be (even that, only to a limit) and point you in the right direction. What is really needed, however, if we want to get through mental health problems, is not reassurance or just 'knowing' that our thoughts are misleading, but real persistent practise with proffessional support of new ways of thinking.

You kinda need to act your way out of it, rather than think your way out of it, and very often that takes one kind of support or other.

[ 06-14-2014, 04:20 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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ken wat
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Thank you for your reply. I feel like if I was actually put in the situation, I would not give a blowjob. I feel like it would be too awkward doing it with a man. I feel like I could do it, however I would not like doing it very much, and I do not want to do it. I have been thinking about this for a long time, and anxiety has come over me, thinking about every little thing. I should stop thinking about all these little things and look at the big picture correct? Look at who I am attracted to. I have been attracted to woman all my life, I could only be in a relationship with woman, therefore I am straight. Lately I have had so much time to think, and thinking about this only brings me to an anxious or worried state of mind. However, I do not think I can get therapeutic help, because I am a minor. Is there any other way I can overcome this long driven dilemma?
Thank you

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kenty

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Onionpie
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Hi ken wat. Even though you are a minor, you should still be able to get some professional help with this. There is likely a counsellor at school you could go to, or you could ask them to refer you to a counsellor that isn't affiliated with the school. You could also ask your doctor for a referral for counselling. It's definitely something that I think you should look into, as visiting a professional in-person will be able to help you a lot more with this anxiety than we can.

[ 06-15-2014, 10:56 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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In the meantime, too, you can help yourself simply by working on unlearning your homophobia. After all, that is where these kinds of fears and fixations tend to stem from underneath everything else.

If you Google "unlearning homophobia," you can find some good resources, including a series of short films available online with that aim which are very good.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Hey, Ken: following up with our chat conversation, I wanted to make sure these resources were somewhere for you where we couldn't lose them in the event it turns out you need or want to use them: http://safesingapore.blogspot.com/2006/10/lgbtq-resources-and-groups.html

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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ken wat
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hey heather, i would like to chat with you, is there any time you will be free?
Thank you, ken wat

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kenty

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ken wat
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or any of the other scarleteen staff, will anybody be on chat later on?

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kenty

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Ken, I was off of work for the weekend, sorry about that.

However, is what you want to talk about the same issues we have talked about so far?

If so, I really think we need to set a limit here. If it IS the same issues, I really need you to follow up with the kind of help and resources I suggested first, before we talk about this any further, particularly since I think without that other help, there just is nothing we can do here for you around this we have not already done.

If you don't want to seek out that help or connect with those resources, I respect your choice, but I do still need to hold our limits, and acknowledge when we have limitations, including when the kind of help we can give to someone clearly isn't working, or isn't the right kind.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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