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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » I really, really need some help.

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Author Topic: I really, really need some help.
JB
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Hey there! I never thought I'd be posting here but, welp, here goes!

Thinks have been kind of madness lately. Semester is winding up and there lots of work to be done, so I'm sure some degree of stress is exasperating my problem.

I'm in this class for my major, and there's this girl in this class and well, long story short, I think I have a crush on her. But, I dunno. I've always identified as heterosexual. I have a boyfriend and I really, truly love him. He really cares about me, makes me happy, makes me feel love. And I really care about HIM. I'm attracted to him. Sometimes we fight. And sometimes things get kinda blah or boring. But we've been together for about a year and he's been an amazing partner. (There's also some stress of impending separation: spring break, then summer break.)

But I dunno. This girl. I think I have a crush on her. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend to date her, because, well, first, I love him and I love being with him. But second, how do I know this isn't just curiosity? Or fascination or admiration? My sophomore year of high school, I had a crush on a girl, but it ultimately fizzled out, didn't feel right. Admittedly, at the time I was coming out of a bad break-up and was probably, to a certain degree, rebounding. I attributed the fizzling-out to it being a poorly timed rebound, sure, but not nearly as much as I attributed it to being, well, not into girls romantically.

But this is throwing me for a loop. It's bothering me. It's not distracting me from my current relationship, exactly (although a little). I mean, there are times when I'm at peace with it and I just kind of enjoy it, coast along with it. Really what's bothering me is the way it's making me throw my identity up in the air.

I don't want to feel this way. It's stressful. I do not want to have feelings for this girl. It makes me feel like I'm hiding something from my boyfriend. I don't really want to talk about it with him, because I don't know how to explain it while also giving him reassurance. I just really don't want to talk about it with him. I wish there was some way to shake this crush, get it out of my head. Because even though it's not completely distracting from my current relationship, it is a little bit. And that's stressful, on top of everything else. The stress of work. The stress of knowing I'm not going to see him soon. And the stress of this.

And second, what is going on?! I don't know! I was so sure I was straight. Is this just curiosity? Am I bisexual/queer? I don't know if I WANT to be bi or queer. I don't know if I want to go through that, at 20, when I was pretty positive most aspects of my identity were fairly solid.

This just sucks and is stressful. I know you can't answer these questions for me, but I just want some reassurance. I want to stay with my boyfriend and get through this. I want to wave this crush away. I mean, when the year is over, obviously I won't see her again. But I still have over a month to go. I dunno if I can handle that. I just need some help sorting all this. I'm sorry this is so jumbled. Thank you so much. You folks are a godsend, as always.

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
moonlight bouncing off water
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Well, first of all, I think that we need to look at your relationship with your boyfriend and the crush that you have on this girl as two separate things.

How do you feel in your relationship with your boyfriend? Are you happy? Are you attracted to your boyfriend?

As per your feelings around this girl you're right in saying that we can't tell you how it is that you feel for her, but we can certainly help you figure that out to the best of our ability. It might help to note, that the term heterosexual (and by extension all other related terms) hasn't always existed. In terms of how you feel for this girl, if she were not a girl, what would you consider your attraction to her to be (if all other things remained equal)?

I am certainly no stranger to the, "not me, I can't like her, I'm straight aren't I?" thoughts. But the world doesn't stop spinning if you're not straight, and you don't change one ounce if you're straight (well, perhaps you become more self aware if you really need to search your soul to figure your orientation out, but that can also be true for straight folk).

I hope that this helps, and I can certainly say more, but I think I'll leave it at that for now so I don't leave you with too much to respond to.

--------------------
~moonlight

I am ME and that is the only label I need.

Posts: 863 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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Things with my boyfriend have been really, really good. I had a little rough patch recently, and I say "I" because it was really just me. It's kind of hard to explain, but in short I was feeling finally comfortable/settled in our relationship and that freaked me out. I like change because for me it brings excitement. And since I was so comfortable with him, I misinterpreted that as maybe not loving him. I dunno what finally made me realize the difference, in fact we may have gotten in a little spat, but I eventually realized that I do really care about him. I'm very happy with him. Admittedly things sexually have been in a bit of a rut (for me, that is. He's fine with our current sex life but is totally willing to try new things and has told me as much.) We're both really busy students with lots of friends who don't live in single rooms, so our window for having sex is pretty small and thus a little rushed. So we've gotten into a routine, I guess, and being a creature who enjoys change, that's made me kind of blah. I'm trying to think of things I would enjoy doing that would kind of spice up our sex life. Haha that's a long response but in short, yes, I am both happy with and attracted to him.

It's funny you should spin the situation as "what if this girl were a guy" because in the same class is a guy who actually kind of looks/dresses like her. I mean, I think he's kind of cute, but I guess maybe part of the reason I like this girl is because she seems to me (or I perceive her as) this mix of masculine and feminine. (For all I know she could be trans, so admittedly I'm just going off my perceptions.) I think I may have romanticized this a little in my head, too, because I know pretty much nothing about her other than she has a dog. It's just been more of a physical attraction I guess? Like I think she's cute? So I guess if she were a guy I wouldn't like her as much. Honestly, it's kind of hard to say for sure but that's my best guess.

It's just confusing. It feels like, I dunno, a quadruple whammy: the stress of school/prep for my new job, the stress of knowing I'm going to be away from my boyfriend soon, the stress of admitting that our sex life is a little dull, and then this identity issue.

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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