Donate Now
We've Moved! Check out our new boards.
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » Sexuality with a history of abuse

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Sexuality with a history of abuse
JeseC
Neophyte
Member # 48488

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JeseC     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
For those of us on the GLBT spectrum who have a history of abuse, how do you sort out the different feelings? I'm definitely attracted to women, but I have this weird attraction-repulsion thing going on with men, where I find them really attractive but then freak out the minute anything overtly sexual is on the table. I'm concerned that I'm not able to separate the effects of the abuse from my own orientation.

(P.S. before anyone says it, I don't have money or time for therapy.)

Posts: 21 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Personally, I think that the only way of sorting out feelings that are grounded in an abusive situation is to identify how we feel about the abuse and try to deal with it so that it doesn't affect our lives in an overly negative way.

Do you mean sexual abuse? From the context, I would assume so, but it's better to be sure than assume.

Just from what you say, I would suggest that "freak out" sounds like it could possibly have a basis in the abuse: if it was an orientation thing, I think that it would be more common to feel something more like "actually, I Really don't want to do that" than to freak out.

Have you ever had therapy or counseling around the abuse?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
JeseC, would you be interested in counseling? I know you said you don't have the resources, but rape crisis centers often charge on a sliding scale for counseling, so you may still be able to afford it. If you'd like, you can let us know your location and we can check if there's anything in your area.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JeseC
Neophyte
Member # 48488

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JeseC     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm not here to talk about counseling; I've tried it and decided it's not something that can be useful to me. If anyone has something more about the topic that would be more helpful. Sorry to shut people down like that, but there's a significant traumatic history related to counseling and I can't go back without an almost total breakdown.
Posts: 21 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Redskies
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 79774

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Redskies     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
JeseC, I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad experience with counseling.

I feel like I don't have quite enough information to say anything worthwhile to you just yet.

Could you say what kind of thing you mean by "freak out"? You don't have to give details at all if you don't want to, just a sense of the kind of thing you mean would be helpful.

Also, when you "freak out" - is that only a problem to you because you don't know whether it's to do with the abuse or your orientation, or is it a problem in any other way - for example, do you feel anxious, or cross or upset with yourself because you freaked out, or disappointed that you missed out on something you wanted to do because you freaked out, or anything else?

--------------------
The kyriarchy usually assumes that I am the kind of woman of whom it would approve. I have a peculiar kind of fun showing it just how much I am not.

Posts: 1786 | From: Europe | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Counseling is just one option, and not a requirement. And if you know it's not what you want right now, that's okay.

Before I talk with you, I want to be sure I understand what you think might be going on for you here. Do you think your previous abuse may be influencing your feelings about people of all genders, or only one group of people?

As well, even though it might sound a bit pat -- and I certainly don't mean it that way, nor think it is -- let's say your abuse is a factor in any of this and is having an influence. In other words it is, but this is also just where you're at right now, even if it won't always be. Do you feel okay about that? I mean, having been abused is going to have an impact in many areas of our lives and that's just a long process we all work through. Sometimes it may do things like influence who we feel comfortable around temporarily. If it is, for you, is that something you can accept for now, and just know that you'll keep working on your healing and probably feel more comfortable later?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Too Old
Neophyte
Member # 80283

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Too Old     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Oh my God, that is so like me!!! Except that I do got a therapist and she is nice. That really sucks that you had such a bad experience.

So if I decided that I just don't wanna deal with guys that's ok? I mean, I know it's because of what happened to me, but I do like girls.

sorry JeseC if I am taking over this conversation or something.

Posts: 26 | From: Washington | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JeseC
Neophyte
Member # 48488

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JeseC     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry about the slow responses, there's some massive trigger issues in here. A lot of different stuff going on that I'm not sure how to sort out.

One is that my life would be a lot easier with a male partner. I'm one of very few women in my area and consequently tend to attract a fair amount of male attention (I should mention I'm fairly petite and athletic). Combine that with my not being in a space where I feel safe being out, and you can see the difficulty. Plus it's extremely difficult to find female sexual partners around here, especially considering most resources around here cater to the undergraduate student population.

I guess...I just hate that I'm turning down people that I do really like because I can't manage the sexual aspect of the relationship. Especially since it's so hard to explain what's going on, and the guys almost never seem to understand what's happening. Seriously, every time they seem to have the idea that it's something that will go away quickly or easily. I don't get the chance to just say no without explaining myself, but I don't want to keep going around explaining things. And I'm tired of just being the frigid stuck-up bitch because I turn a lot of guys down.

Posts: 21 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, for starters, you are NOT a "frigid stuck-up bitch." And anyone who views someone who says no to sex or dating that way? Well, PHEW on dodging THAT bullet! In other words, if someone reacts that way to a rejection you can know that you just made the best choice ever in turning them down, because they've just shown you they'd be a crap partner.

Setting aside what would be easier for you in terms of the gender of a potential partner, who do you WANT to choose as a partner? Are YOU feeling strongly attracted to men or not? Not are they attracted to you, or would it be easier to date the because you don't want to be out, or because yes, the queer dating pool tends to be smaller. What do you actually want, and who do you actually feel attracted to?

As well, if you want to date people of any gender, but are not down with a sexual relationship right now, you don't actually have to explain why if you don't want to. "I'm interested in dating but am not up to anything sexual at this time of my life," should suffice with someone you don't know well and don't want to share more with.

Lastly, looking at your post history, did you ever feel out anything around asexuality? In other words, at this point in time, is a sexual relationship with anyone something you feel a desire for at this point?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JeseC
Neophyte
Member # 48488

Icon 1 posted      Profile for JeseC     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's not that the people calling me that are ones I'd want to date. It's more that both my career path and my personal interests mean I spend most of my time in highly male-dominated areas. I have to get along with people, and it's a significant additional complication that makes it far more difficult for me to do the things I enjoy.
Posts: 21 | From: United States | Registered: Aug 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
daniilou
Neophyte
Member # 93245

Icon 1 posted      Profile for daniilou     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
pleasae don't think me an utter freak, but i am relieved to find someone in a simmilar situation as me, i was abused from the age of 7 by two different men and then when my bro hit 14 i became his punch bag too. i sometimes wonder if this is partly down to me prefering women over men, i hav only ever had a sexual relationship with a man back in 2010, but have usually found more safety in the women i fancy. i don't kow if thi is something down to their jon roles or what not but it has made me sit and think, did my abusive past impact my sexual interest

--------------------
ℓєєℓєєℓσνєя

Posts: 6 | From: Nottingham, UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3