Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » please help.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: please help.
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
Ok, so this is kind of a long story and I'm sorry, but I really need help, so thank you to whoever for taking the time to read this. [Smile]

Last year, I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years to date a girl who really makes me happy. My now ex-boyfriend does not know anything about me dating a girl or anyone at all. I have been dating my girlfriend for a year, and I have gone through many struggles. I told my mom and dad that I like girls, and they both do not agree with my decision. They do not know that I am currently dating a girl because they will take school away from me. Ever since I told them I think I like girls about a year ago, my mother has been on my case and uses it against me calling my disgusting and all of those unnecessary comments. My dad has not brought it up again. I am not sure what they think anymore.

I am in college, and I have been at home for a month now and will be leaving in one week to go back to school to live there while I take summer classes. I have not seen my girlfriend in a while, so tonight she came out to see me for a bit. When I got home, my mother yelled at me saying that I do not take part in this family, and that I don't care. Well, in my head I wanted to say that I don't include myself because I get yelled at and monitored for everything I do for the reason that I like girls, but I didnt. Instead I called my girlfriend for support. Yes, I was crying because I was upset, and we talked for a few minutes and she brought up a very serious conversation.

I was crying becuase I feel so terrible for lying all the time to my parents and making them think that I do not care. (Ever since I started to see my g/f and since my parents do not approve, I have been very secretive which is why my mom thinks I do not care). My girlfriend responded with "well you are going to have to be honest with your parents soon if you see yourself with me for a long time." I got scared because the thought of losing my family kills me, but she is right. I agree with her and just say I cant do it just yet and we end the conversation. I get a text message a few minutes later saying that she doesnt want to push this type of relationship if it is not what I want in the long run.

I am having a hard time figuring out what I want, but I know my focus should be on what makes me happy. I do not want to hurt anyone in this situation and I don't want to lose anyone either, but I know no matter what I choose I am going to lose either my girlfriend whom I love deeply and group of friends that go with her, or my family who despises me now anyway and never really fit in with. I fit in with my girlfriend and for the first time in my life I have been happy and doing very well in school. I just do not know what to do and how to choose.

I am sorry if this is all jumbled with my wording, I just need some advice.

Thank you

[ 06-05-2009, 10:10 PM: Message edited by: ShortAndSweet ]

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My personal take on something like this?

Girlfriend or no girlfriend, you are who you are. And the people who love us accept us for who we are, even if it takes them time to adjust, or even if who we are doesn't fit with their worldview or their ideal of us. And our best bet to be happy in life is to be true to who we are, and to have people around us who not only are okay with that person, but who think that person is great.

So, I'd consider that sentiment in deciding about this, and perhaps also bear in mind that sometimes people do eventually get a clue about things and come around to the loving, accepting side. As well, with things like school being conditional on you fitting someone else's mold? There are probably other options: lots of us (myself included) went to school on our own steam, even though we may have needed to take breaks or work harder to do it.

I feel like your second-to-last sentence says a LOT about your truest feelings and the reality of the life you've started to make for yourself, which sounds like a good one. It's the kind of thing I'd expect anyone who loved you, who wanted to love you, would respect and be supportive of.

Obviously, homophobia is a big hurdle: any kind of deep bias can be tough to challenge, and some people take a long time to get over their biases: some people never do. But again, we are who we are, and trying to conform to fit by being someone else kind of doesn't really result in US being loved by the people we do that for because...well, we're not being us.

Do you have other supportive people in your life -- friends, family, mentors -- besides your girlfriend right now? As well, have you talked about the conflict with things like school with your girlfriend? As well, I think you might be able to ask her for a bit more latitude with this: it sounds like she's making this about you wanting or not wanting your relationship with her, when you seem to be saying clearly that IS what you want, you just don't know how to do that yet without losing your family and some other things. Might you ask if you two can talk about this -- in person, ditch the texts -- and talk about it in a way where you wanting the relationship is a given?

Have you met HER family?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
Only my parents know that I like girls. My mother does not suppose me at all, and my father has not brought it up again, but continues to treat me at least like a human being and sometimes even his daughter, not like my mother. I have lost some of my friends to this, but my roommate has been very supportive, knowing my whole situation.

My girlfriend has been dealing with my conflicts with school and my parents since day 1. She helped me apply for scholarships and even saved money to support me incase I was kicked out of my house. She wants what is best for me, but I also know she is terrified of losing me (she told me that exactly), which makes me feel horrible because I need to make a decision.

I have met her family, and they are alright with her being this way. She has only told her immediate family members, but so far no one has judged her. They are all 100% supportive with school, her relationships, and her life. I get so jealous when I see how much her family expresses to her that they love her, I yern for that love back from my parents that I am almost willing to do anything for it. I havn't heard an I Love You from my mother since I told her a year ago adn I am starting to think she doesn't. They say jump I say how high whenever they actually talk to me.

Thank you for reading my situation. You're right, I do not know how to do this without losing everyone who means something to me. I guess I just have to think about it truly with no influences from anyone.

Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm so sorry things are like this with your family. I know too well how hard it can be to not feel love from family and to be unaccepted. It really may not be like this always, but I also know that doesn't make things feel any better right now.

Might you be able to talk to your girlfriend's family about this? Not only would they probably be a good support, you turning to them some might make a bit more clear to your girlfriend that this is not about you not being invested in her or your relationship. How about also getting more connected with some more community for yourself, maybe through something like PFLAG (who can also help you out a lot in dealing with your family right now)?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
ShortAndSweet
Activist
Member # 34672

Icon 1 posted      Profile for ShortAndSweet         Edit/Delete Post 
I can see why you would say to talk to her family, but I feel like that would be bad in the sense that I am choosing between their daughter and that lifestyle and the staight lifestyle in a sense ya know?
Posts: 97 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm sure you grew up hearing that language, but I want to unpack the "lifestyle" thing for you. There is no "gay lifestyle" just like there is no "straight lifestyle." The way various people live their lives is not determined by orientation: there's no one way people of any orientation live. But homophobic people like to think there is, thus why they say things like "gay lifestyle."

My impression isn't that you are choosing between their daughter and anything else, but rather, choosing between being out or not being out. If your girlfriend didn't feel that she needed you to be out to your family -- and she gets to have that limit when it comes to what she wants and needs in relationships -- this would be a non-issue, right?

So, it's not about her vs. your family. It's about being out with your family vs. being in the closet.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3