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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Sexual Identity » boyfriend gay?

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Author Topic: boyfriend gay?
Member # 7322

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my ex boyfriend and i were on an off for 3 years. last january i had intuitions something wasn't right and i went through his email accounts etc i found many hidden emails he had made and many online dating website he was signed onto. the kicker was his secret screen name which i found had only 2 guys on it, one gay and one was a drag queen. i confronted him about it and he said he didnt know they were men. we broke up for 6 months due to the fact i felt violated with his dating websites and was freaked out when i saw he was talking to gay men. well we got back together and we moved in together, we were planning on getting married and had just picked out rings, and i got the same feeling something was up again so i check up on it and found he was emailing men/drag queens VULGAR pictures of himself to them. Again claims he didnt realize they were men. I asked why he did this and all he says is he was bored. I asked if he was gay or bi to please just com forth with it so i can have my closure by denies it over and over again. We currently arent together but i dont understand why someone would do this if they didnt have those feelings?
Posts: 41 | From: Ronkonkoma,Ny,USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39654

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Thehiddenone     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Maybe he feels confussed about his own sexuality, and isn't totaly sure of being straight/bi/gay or whatever. So he's trying out new things, Or maybe he is bi but he doesnt want to admit it because he'd feel "less of a man" or something.
Reasure him that you care and you don't mind if he's Bi, or whatever, you just NEED to know the truth. Hope this helps.

Posts: 108 | Registered: Aug 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 7322

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it's been a couple days. i called him this morning to try to get answers, he still denies he gay/bi but says he doesnt know why he keeps sending pictures to people and he wanted to seek some help for it. i guess maybe he is confused.
Posts: 41 | From: Ronkonkoma,Ny,USA | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 39654

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He does sound confussed. Also, do you think he's doing it for attention? Maybe he feels good when someone flirts with him? And maybe he see's that as not flirting, seeing as its with a man??

Maybe you could ask him if he's doing it because he likes their attention. Or get him to sign upto scarlteen and he could ask about it himself??

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Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I want to also make sure that you know that it is difficult for many people to admit -- to others, to themselves -- that they are or may be gay or bisexual. A lot of that has to do with how other people react (which perhaps you can see even from some of your own reactions), as well as the fact that the world we live in is still not friendly in so many ways to those of us who are anything but heterosexual. Plenty of people also have a lot of internalized homophobia, no matter their orientation, which leaves them feeling deeply ashamed of and scared about being gay or bisexual. It's very unlikely he did not know the men he was emailing were not mean, so when you say he denied knowing that, that's a kind of response that sounds to me like a lot of shame.

I'd say that it'd be kind for you to stop pushing this issue with him. He doesn't yet have the answers you're seeking, and honestly, they don't much matter for you anymore, anyway, you know? I hear that you want some closure, but right now, he either doesn't know what his orientation is or he just isn't ready to deal with it (or may not be ready with someone like you, for whom it is obviously so loaded).

So, rather than looking to him to help you out with this, since he obviously cannot right now, perhaps you'd just like to talk here about your needs and concerns in terms of how YOU are feeling, and what is troubling YOU about all this now that you aren't together anymore? For instance, some heterosexual people find themselves feeling like, if it turns out a partner of theirs winds up being gay, that it says something about THEM, even though someone else's orientation has nothing to do with you at all (no one can "turn" someone gay): but it is a very common concern or insecurity.

It might even be helpful to talk about what closure you feel you might have if he DID tell you he was gay or bisexual, OR if he did tell you he was not?

[ 01-10-2009, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Heather ]

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 42355

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I dunno if this helps, but I was dumped by a boyfriend who later told me he was gay. Now, we're very good friends.

But yeah, people can be super duper insecure about such things. Maaaybe just give him some space to try and deal with it?

Posts: 2 | From: Portland, OR | Registered: Mar 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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