posted
Okay, so this is going to be really long for those of you who don't like reading sooo... if you hate reading, stop. hahaha.
Okay, so here it is. When I was growing up I used to, I guess, think I was a guy. I mean, when me and my sister would play ballroom and stuff, I would be the guy adn I would--- *frowns* Well, I guess I'd be the guy.
When I was younger I also used to stuff my pants. (Yes, strange, but oh well....).
Anyways, I also used to have same-sex crushes for as long as I can remember and I ONLY have liked 2 guys in real life. (I tend ot only like guys as celebs, NOT IN REAL LIFE, and that makes me question.... do I only ADMIRE those male celebs as role models? Do I only wish taht I was them, picking up hot chicks like mad and winning awards here and there, and making zillions of dollars?
After all, I ONLY like girls (except for those two guys I mentioned) in real life. In real life have DOZENS of girl crushes, yet everyone accuses me of only "wishing I was those girls". Still, I know I'm able to decide for msyelf who/waht/whatever it is I like.
But back to the story-- the whole orientation thing was only meant to fill y'all in on what I mean, hahaha.
Okay, so I used to stuff my pants and stuff, and wish that (maybe!!) if I wished hard enough tath I would one day be a guy. (Stupid, I know, but imagine every birthday wishing so damn hard!!!!)
Anyway, when I was younger I also used to be confused for being a guy, and that made me happy that I lookd like one, and yet sad that no one knew the "real" me--- that all they saw was a "tomboy" on the playground. Because of this embarrassment and confusion I used to hide at recess in the library. (Hey, an upside--- I got really really smart and read probably over 1,000 books there!! Hahaha.)
Anyways, but then in eighth grade (about 2 or so years ago), I finally gave in and started becoming more girly just to please everyone else. THis made me feel divided, like I wasn't being the "real" me, and I continued it so poeple would stop making fun of me. (Namely, my family, but also random kids who just didn't really understand me....).
In eighth grade I also gave up on even looking at girls and stopped even really associating with them, really, cause I was embarased if I might like one. (Stupid, again, I know, but still....).
Anyways, then in ninth grade had a crush on this girl Rachel for the loooooongest time, and then I guess I'd bundled all my feelings for so long it was like flippin lesbian explosion. lol. (Not in actually making a move, but I did LIKE way more girls then....).
Also, well.... now, here I am now. Stuffing my pants again (in my room only, though). I was just wondering... is this extreme penis envy, me just expressing how I feel, plain confusion, or my mind crying for something more?
(I have never done very DEEP transexual research, although I HAVE done a little, and still the thought of moving out when I'm 18, doing that, and getting a girlfriend {by moving veeerrrrrry far away so my family and friends will stop making fun of me!!} has still fascinated me.)
Oh yeah, and so the title of my post makes sense, my main question was just that AM I going too far with the "package" thing and AM I just making a big deal out of nothing? lol.
-------------------- what makes the one to shake you down? each touch belongs to each new sound say now you want to shake me too move down to me slip into you Posts: 74 | From: BOBD | Registered: Jul 2006
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posted
EDIT--- Oh yeah, and here's something I meant to add---- sometimes I do feel... split, I guess.
Like there's two me's, and this may or may not have anythign to DO with anything, but here it is:
When I draw I get all emo, listen to sad music, and cry a lot. I also look at guys more.
When I WRITE I tend to get more over-philosophical and over-analyse things too much. I also notice that I look at girls more.
I am, as of now, trying to--- I guess--- join the two, and be one. Is this wrong?
Also, I noticed on the internet it's like I'm soooo open and in RL super-shy.
Do I just have a mild case (or even severe) of split-personality? (My mom was schizophrenic and bipolar, but I've never been tested for either...)
I was also abused till I was seven, when my mom eventually left us, if that helps any.
-------------------- what makes the one to shake you down? each touch belongs to each new sound say now you want to shake me too move down to me slip into you Posts: 74 | From: BOBD | Registered: Jul 2006
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Do I just have a mild case (or even severe) of split-personality? (My mom was schizophrenic and bipolar, but I've never been tested for either...)
Nothing you've said here suggests any of those things.
It's pretty normal for people to express different aspects of their personality in different contexts, and to seem different on the internet and in face-to-face interaction.
So I don't think you need to worry about your sanity .
AM I going too far with the "package" thing
Well, it's not like it's addictive .
"Packing" is something that a bunch of people do, and that isn't restricted to any one gender identity or orientation. It can be done by people who identify as female and butch, people who identify as female-to-male transgender or transexual, or people who just want to experiment or play with another identity or experience.
So it doesn't dictate anything about how you identify.
It sounds like you're wondering about several different things here - whether you're mostly attracted to girls, guys or both, and whether you might be transgender. Have I got that right?
-------------------- "Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not obligated to complete the work, but neither are you free to abandon it." - the Talmud Posts: 6944 | From: UK | Registered: May 2002
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To logic_girl: Yeah... I kind of am wondering those things, I guess, but I'm not quite sure by what you mean by that. Can you explain that clearer? :?
-------------------- what makes the one to shake you down? each touch belongs to each new sound say now you want to shake me too move down to me slip into you Posts: 74 | From: BOBD | Registered: Jul 2006
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Umm... well I guess I USED to question my orientation more, but now I think I clasify myself as bi, even though when I write I tend to like girls more.
(I like reading and writing and someday want to be an artist or a writer, but I can never do both at once.)
(I go through phases of writing a lot and looking at girls, then a phase of drawing a lot and liking those two guys that I meantioned earlier...).
-------------------- what makes the one to shake you down? each touch belongs to each new sound say now you want to shake me too move down to me slip into you Posts: 74 | From: BOBD | Registered: Jul 2006
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