I don't really know where to begin, but my life seems to be one big mess right now.
At the core of it I think is my sexual orientation.
I came out as bisexual when I was 14, and then as a lesbian when I was 17. I still occasionally was attracted to guys, but mostly girls.
Four months ago I started dating my current boyfriend. I wasn't initially attracted to him, but we became best friends, and things just went from there. For a few months we were soaring on NRE, but now that's gone and even though we haven't had any fights and we still love each other I just can't seem to appreciate what I've got anymore.
He's quite feminine; we often joke that I am the man in the relationship. Before we even started dating we discussed the fact that neither of us really enjoyed sex. So there was no pressure there. He's also not the jealous type and agreed that we could have an open relationship because of my poly streak (I get bored easily).
Things were quite bad for me a month ago (I tried to OD on Lithium) and ever since then I've been extremely restless. I feel like Rachel in "Imagine Me and You". Although I am deeply in love with him, I feel like there's something better that I'm missing out on (though that could just be my perfectionism).
I feel like I'm never going to find a woman that understands I can love her just as completely. I feel like I have enough love to give the whole world.
I have a huge guilt complex because sometimes when he says he loves me I don't say it back. And I get all grouchy and act like a bitch and he just sits there, sweet as pie. I don't understand how he can love me so unswervingly. Maybe I want to be treated like crap so it matches my mood inside.
The hardest thing is that after the public psychiatrist diagnosed me with BPD, she palmed me off on the school one. It really made me feel like nobody wanted to help me or cared if I lived or died.
I know most of this isn't relevant, but I'm wondering if part of the reason I'm so irritable is that I'm living a lie. That I love him but not as a lover.
The comfort of a woman's arms is the only thing I can see helping me.
Sorry to vent like this, Winnie
Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001
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posted
Winnie, it's really nice to see you, even if it's because you're in a tough spot right now.
One thing that concerns me in what I'm reading is that I'm hearing you express what sounds like the notion that a female partner is the cure to all that ails you.
While of COURSE, if you are lesbian, female partnership and intimacy is something that you are going to want very much, and not having that could be a contributor to how you're feeling, it also sounds to me like right now, ANY intimate, sexual/romantic relationship might not be the right thing for you, UNTIL you get more of your conflicts and issues resolved and managed.
Can you talk with this guy about the nature of your relationship? I ask that, because as you know, Relationship is a word which describes ALL sorts of different relationships. So, I'm thinking it might be helpful to you both to talk about what YOU have, and what place you both want it to have for you. In other words, it may not be apt to think about this as either-or, or compare it to a different type of relationship entirely, a romantic and sexual relationship with a woman.
You've already discussed that it's an open partnership, so it seems to be there's just no NEED for comparisons here.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63355 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
*thinks* It does sound a bit like that. It has a lot to do with my perfectionism I think. I'm always wanting more, now.
I guess that I live in a bit of a fantasy world, I have a good imagination and it can get away with me a bit (I plan my life like I'm cutting a movie, I know how I want it to go).
But it's good to have a removed opinion - he's pretty much the only friend I have that I'm close enough to to talk about this sort of stuff, but it concerns him, so I can't. I think he knows though, and he's supportive of me.
It feels like we've been together forever, and I've wanted to marry and have a family with him for months. Though part of me wonders if that's because I want to keep the excitement going.
I'll talk more with my psychiatrist about this tomorrow, and with him (5 hour gap in class...fun).
Hope you're well and all settled in your new place
*toddles off to finish out the night of insomnia with some Gaiman*
Winnie
Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001
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