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Author Topic: Same questions as everyone else I suppose
SarcophagusGirl
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Member # 21582

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I will try to make this as short as possible...

A girl who has been in my English classes the last two semesters of college has recently become my friend. In doing so, we instantly shared a remarkably close relationship which is a step for her because she is so shy... she rarely talks.

Anyway, we hit it off, started taking late night trips to the beach, hanging out on the porch or in my single dorm room long after midnight. She came to my musical gigs, I went to her softball games.

She told me she had recently had a crush on one of her teammates, but that her teammate was going to be an assistant coach next year so nothing could come of anything.

The whole time, I've been fooling around with this boy on and off, and he eventually left for a vacation to England and stopped calling.

Meanwhile, my feelings have been developing more and more for this hopeless romantic. I begin wishing she would hold my hand or kiss me. All of these feelings hit me like a ton of bricks because I've only ever had... just MILD feelings of crushes or what not on two girls, but always kept my feelings at bay, shrugging them off because i know I would freak these girls out. Also, because I was teased relentlessly from 5th to 8th grade and in seventh grade was accused of "liking girls," or "being lesbian" because I was into outdoor sports and liked to play with the boys. I didn't want to prove these little twits right. I'm straight. I'm straight. I'm straight.

And then the other night, she came over to my house and spent the night. We spent the evening consuming limited amount of alcohol and smoking cigarettes on the roof. She held my hand. We slept in the same bed, against each other, her hand reaching around my side and holding mine. What was strange was... it felt so right. I was so worried it would feel wrong or that I would freak out or something. But I didn't. I really like this girl. She really likes me.

While we were laying there, she says, "so does this mean we're...?"
"What?"
"Y'know... together?"
I smiled. "I would love that."

We had explored our feelings and said much more over a series of texts, myspace messages, AIM etc. We had already established that we really liked each other. She said, "I want this."
"I want this too," I had said, "Maybe as much as you do or more..."

I guess I just had to tell someone about all of this because... I'm 20 and this is the first time this is all happening and whenever I think about her, I get a knot in my stomach.

And whenever I think of any of this getting out to anyone... I get a knot in my stomach too. Everyone at my school knows me as straight. Everyone I KNOW knows me as straight! Except her. I'm starting to think I'm just simply bi... as if that were so hard to except. Well, for me to be openly bi... well... that IS a big deal.

What would my parents say if they found out?! They don't even understand half of what I say about guys... what the hell would happen if I tell them I had a GIRLFRIEND?! I've never even told them I lost my virginity a little less than a year ago. They still think I'm a virgin, and just... I don't know.

Could someone please sort out these feelings for me? She's already told one person... the girl she was very good friends with/had a crush on. She's is happy for her. I odn't mind if one girl knows... Ok... one person knows... big deal. This girl is cool anyway, no worries. But she's thinking about telling her sister... which would make this a little more real.

I don't know if I could ever feel comfortable enough to hold hands with her in public or have anyone (or everyone) at my super small, private university find out/know. But is it ok to tell her I don't want people knowing, without offending her?

SOrry for writing you guys an essay, I have no one to tell this to though, so this is the first time I'm pouring all of this out on a page... *sigh* I guess... can you just tell me how some of you came to grips with the facts that you were bi or at least thought you were bi? How was your first relationship with the same sex? When was it? I'm coming in (or out) a little late in the game... so it feels extra strange... any late bloomers out there? Any advice or input on any of this?

Thank you all very much in advance! Scarleteen always seems to fulfill the role as complete sexual savior and ultimate advice giver... THANK YOU!

[ 05-18-2006, 10:23 AM: Message edited by: SarcophagusGirl ]

Posts: 17 | From: Orlando, FL, | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
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You're not really entering the game late all that. I have a friend who's coming out for the first time right now, at the same age as you. Sometimes we just do not realize these things untill we meet the right person. And honestly, I don't think it'll be any more easy or more difficult coming out only now. In fact, you get the bonus of living on your own and therefore not having to deal with nosy parents at this point. You get to decide at your own pace if and when you come out to them.

You don't have to tell everyone right now. This is all still new to you, you have every right to figure this out for yourself first. Do keep your girlfriend posted on this, though. Let her know how you feel, and that you're not comfortable coming out right now. You've not mentioned how long she's been out? Maybe talk to her about that, if you haven't yet, and get her story. You can also visit the GSA on campus to get a few other experiences.

Above all, just try to be really open about this. Don't force anything, or think that you have to catch up and come out faster than you're okay with. Just take things as they come.

As for when you do decide to come out, take it slow. Don't come out to everyone at once. Try feeling out the territory. Depending on how long you've known your friends, you might already know how they feel about homosexuality in general. If you don't, bringing up a movie with homosexual themes or discussing a queer-related piece of news will give you an idea on how they feel. Same goes for your parents. It's okay if you don't feel lie coming out right now, but in the long run it's for the best to be honest with everyone involved.

Good luck!

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9186 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SarcophagusGirl
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Thanks September... not that it matters, but that' what I wanted to hear.

So here's the deal: this is her first relationship with a girl too... I've told her I want to take things super slow... especially after I dated two boys since January... one whom I had discussed marriage with (we on and off dated since I was 16), had sex with and stopped talking to... although it was my choice so it wasn't really all that traumatic, just a definite end to the stage of "us"... sort of a big deal.

The second boy involved hit me like a train I never even saw coming... we were perfect in every way shape and form and then... as fast as he came, he simply left and I have not heard from him since.

So, she knows that recently, I have had a hard time, especially with the last guy. And everything is a first for her as well. Her teammate is bisexual (I think... was chasing after a girl in Januray at any rate) and she trusts her a lot. She told her to take it slow, one day at a time.

She told me that: We'll take this slow... one day at a time... and I'm sure it will be grand, like it already is.

I loved that. I just... the whole coming out thing really frightens me. A lot of my friends... well... my one or two close friends... it wouldn't be hard. Either my school has a very high "questioning" ratio of people compared to the heterosexual population or... I just know a lot of open/questioning people. It's just a few I'm worried about. My old roommate for example who is a little freaked out because she and a bi friend of hers kissed under drunken pretenses one night.

When she told me that a known lesbian whom I was semi-attracted to said, "Tell your roommate I think she's a beautiful woman," to her at a bar one night, I said back (in our dorm room), "Well... I'm most certainly flattered."

My roommate laughed and teased me about my feelings on it and I reminded her that I had not kissed a girl.

As if it were an insult... which it is/was not. I just didn't want to be jabbed at without giving her back some of her own medicine. She tends to roll her eyes at these things as well because her mother is a lesbian (with a "wife"), her eldest "brother" is a f2m transgender, her youngest sister is a lesbian, and her next youngest sister is 19 and is already married with two kids.

I digress. The point is... I'm nervous as hell about holding her hand in public or... even kissing her for the first time. It's an anxious/excited kind of nervous though. I wish I could tell the world... but I don't want everyone remembering this ONE time I had a relationship with a girl and then suddenly I'm...
"Oh yeah do you know so and so... yeah... she's bi?" And let's face it... that always tends to happen regardless of people's intentions...

And in regards to my living on my own... well that's just late August-early December and mid January- early May. It sucks we had to decide this right now because she lives about an hour/hour and a half away, so if we see each other too often or whatever... I'm thinking my parents aren't stupid... even though I don't tell them a lot. Maybe that's just my paranoia? I don't know. Anyway, I am already looking forward to seeing her again and it's only been 2 days since she left!

She wants me to come to her house on Saturday and go to this engagement party thing her friend is throwing. She's worried she's going to fel really awkward there so she wants me to come and basically be her talk buddy to help her not feel so awkward. I want to go... my Dad just came home from Africa so I don't know if he's going to want to hang out with me or whatever. Although I'd like to go because... well... I really want to see her.

Anyway, thanks... I just wanted to give you guys a little more background on the situation...

Posts: 17 | From: Orlando, FL, | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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but I don't want everyone remembering this ONE time I had a relationship with a girl and then suddenly I'm...
"Oh yeah do you know so and so... yeah... she's bi?" And let's face it... that always tends to happen regardless of people's intentions...


You know, some people are just going to talk. They always will. The trick is to learn how to not let it get to you. And the truth is that sexuality is fluid and it's not going to be the same for the rest of your life. I think I can relate a little to what you're feeling, as I came out as lesbian when I was 17 and felt a little awkward about having to 'backtrack' when I started dating my boyfriend. But my friends took it in stride and since I don't really feel like I owe anyone else an explanation, I don't let it bother me when they give me wierd looks. A decision you make now, and the way you feel now, is not a guarantee that this will always be the same and it does not mean that you have to explain yourself to everyone and their goat when/if things change for you.

As for kissing her in public - really, a lot of people are uncomfortable with PDAs, no matter the kind of relationship you're in. So if that's not something that works for you at this point, that's fine. Just give yourself time.

It sounds like you and your girlfriend are pretty good at communicating, so that's definitely a bonus. As long as you both talk about your feelings, none of this should be too terribly difficult. Embarking on something like this is all kinds of exciting, so just enjoy it, mkay?

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9186 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SarcophagusGirl
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Member # 21582

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Haha! I wasn't talking about kissing her in public... just holding hands! I know that it would be too offensive to too many people (for any gender) so I usually try to steer clear from any PDA aside from holding hands...

At any rate... haha... thank you... I will try to sit back and let things take their course... I'm sorry I'm being a bit neurotic. Again, this is all new (and exciting) to me, especially that it's so late in the game... oh well...

I'm definitely going to go visit her Saturday and hang out at her place so... I'm happy!

Posts: 17 | From: Orlando, FL, | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LetMeBeHappy
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I have a gf at the moment and it is tough. She's told some of her close friends and i've told some of mine. It was a bit easier for me because alot of my close friends are also bi. None of our parents know though...cnt even think about that at the moment.

We held hands once in a shop and everyone began to stare and i got nervous so we both kinna pulled away.

I hate not being able to be with with her (if u know what i meen).

--------------------
*I died in my dreams reaching out for your hand my fatal desire*

My orientation is just another part of me, let me live, let me be, i am the same person you knew only happier.

Posts: 37 | From: scotland | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SarcophagusGirl
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Member # 21582

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So... update: I went to visit my gf an hour and half from m house, where she lives. I stayed the night.

I crawled into bed with her in the pitch dark. I'd had a little to drink to calm my nerves. And... last night was the first time I'd ever kissed the same sex. And... it was AMAZING! This girl is amazing and we're definitely taking one thing at a time... including publicity, although she's told (as I've mentioned) a bi (I think) friend of hers and I've just recently told my best friend (who happens to be gay).

Whoa... September: thanks for telling me to just relax. I guess I had to write out my nerves somewhere... so.. thanks... Now I don't even know why I was so nervous! Haha.

Letmebehappy: Yeah... I know what you mean. My gf and I were at her friend's engagement party and we were introduced as "friends," and acted as such around everyone although later she confessed to wanting to grab my hand so bad during the whole thing. It DOES suck... because I know if she would have done that... the same thing probably would've happened (people staring etc.)... the only time we hold hands is in private and our cars if we're driving somehere. I feel like I'm keeping this huge secret from the world. Hopefully it'll get a little more comfortable as I start to care less and less what others think... Good luck to you as well!

[ 05-21-2006, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: SarcophagusGirl ]

Posts: 17 | From: Orlando, FL, | Registered: Jan 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
LetMeBeHappy
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aw fank you, hope everything goes well for you. [Smile]

--------------------
*I died in my dreams reaching out for your hand my fatal desire*

My orientation is just another part of me, let me live, let me be, i am the same person you knew only happier.

Posts: 37 | From: scotland | Registered: May 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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