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Recently, my "bi-sexual" (and please don't get mad at my using quotation marks, as I do have a reason for it) friend came out to me. By this, I don't mean that she told me she was bi (I knew that before we were friends) but instead, she confessed to me that she had just been telling people she was bisexual to get attention and make herself seem more interesting. I've always thought that sexuality was a really personal, emotional, mental and spiritual thing, so I was pretty shocked that she was just using it to make herself more popular. I was just wondering if any one else has had a similar experience with some one faking their sexuality (as a means of making themselves "cooler", and not for self-protection, of course) and if anyone had any ideas as to how to approach her about this?
-------------------- "In all history there is no war which was not hatched by the governments, the governments alone, independent of the interests of the people, to whom war is always pernicious even when successful." ♥ Tolstoy Posts: 12 | From: Winnipeg | Registered: Mar 2006
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posted
Hey, just letting you know that I've gone through the same stuff in high school. It's a pretty delicate subject to address. I'm no expert, but maybe try to explain that the attention she's seeking probably isn't the type that'll make her life easier? The girls I knew who "faked" sexuality were widely made fun of, especially so because everybody knew they were faking it to try to make the guys go gah-gah. You have two choices: let her keep going and find out for herself that not only do people usually not care to hear someone's sexual preference, it just might draw the wrong type of attention (say nothing). Or you could try to explain your view on the subject. Either way, good luck Posts: 4636 | From: USA/Northern Europe | Registered: Oct 2005
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The thing is, right now, young women -- women, period, actually -- who say they are bisexual DO get a lot of extra sexual attention. Women who will kiss their platonic girlfriends in public get a LOT of male sexual approval. And in our culture, that sexual approval is a Very Big Deal.
So, go easy. It can be very vexing, especially when visibility for authentically lesbian and bisexual women is so important, for sure. But behaviour like that is very common: it comes from a developmental place of seeking approval and attention, as well as an even crappier place of women getting greater value from many people for meeting sexual fantasy or ideal.
If you want to talk to her about this, I'd suggest approaching it that way, sensitively and with kindness. You absolutely can talk to her about the very real need for authentic visibility and how "faking" can really make a mess of that, you can talk to her about the pressures she felt and is feeling. You can talk to her about esteem, about how no matter her orientation, she should be accepted; you can talk to her about the interesting and telling fact that if a GUY did that, popularity is the LAST thing he'd get. Being able to deconstruct all of those issues might help her -- and everyone -- an awful lot.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63425 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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