(This is gonna be a long post, so sit tight.)
I'll begin with saying that I think I'm bi. I was in a girls' school for ten years, with very little interaction with boys, which I believe greatly influenced my sexual orientation. In the fifth or sixth year of my education I found myself being attracted to at least one girl, but I was really confused, because I couldn't draw the line between friendly feelings and romantic ones.
Same thing happened in my seventh year, but that one faded off quickly enough during my eighth year. In my eighth year I got to know this girl, and at first I think the relationship was purely that of friendship. Then there was a school trip abroad which I think changed things. We held hands a few times, and she put her head on my shoulder to sleep a few times. I couldn't stop thinking about her after that. But our "relationship" cooled off when she started hanging out with a new friend. Cue lots of angst and pain for me. And oh yes, after some time I knew she wasn't lesbian or bi, so I guess it was just me misinterpreting our relationship. I couldn't let go of what we had, and the fact that we got into the same class for the next two years made things a lot harder for me. Then I did something that in retrospect was very stupid - I posted a sort of confession about my confusion and feelings on my blog, and I guess lots of people saw it. I also guess she hates me for doing it. And well... I lost a few friends too. At that point of time I thought I was lesbian, because I seldom found males attractive. Up to this moment I am still confused about the whole thing, but I believe that she was what I can consider my first love - I never actually found her really attractive until I got to know and start to "fall in love" with her. After that, she just seemed beautiful to me, in a way that no one else was...
My eleventh year of education also represented a change in environment, and I started studying in a co-ed school. I didn't really find myself attracted to guys, but I did think that this guy was cute or that guy was cute, etc... After about three months we got our permanent class, and I got to know this girl, whom many regard as pretty. I can't remember if I found her pretty/attractive before or after I got to know her though. But anyway the same thing happened, I found myself being romantically and sexually attracted to her. We became pretty good friends, but I had this problem of being unable to find anything to say when I'm with her (which incidentally also happened the last time) while I can chatter on endlessly with other girls and guys I'm not attracted to. Our relationship was forged by studying together during the examination period, and we watched a movie together once. I guess she got bored with me though, we hardly talked. Then it was the school holidays, and I hardly saw or heard from her. All this while I was posting in a blog I assumed to be private, with details about my feeligns and all. Then I saw this on her blog...
"...is someone whom I've always regarded as a close friend but it seems that, as I found out recently, there's more to what I assumed this person to be. Man..my grammer sounds all wrong. Anyhoo, I dunno how to face/talk/hang with this person anymore without having my thoughts getting messed up and well...basically thinking too much."
It scared me, because it sounded like she read my private blog. And as much as I liked her, I don't think I wanted her to find out - at least not that way. Then I put an invisible counter on my private blog and discovered that someone had been there - the very same day she posted that entry. It killed me that she knew, and that she didn't like it at all. Later on she said something that potentially eliminated the possibility that she had read my private blog, but I can't tell if she was faking it or something.
The problem is, I don't know if she knows, because ever since school started again, it seems like she's quite cold to me now. I can't do anything about it, aside from reminiscing about how close we used to be (something that I do. A lot.) and I seriously don't know if I should say anything to her. For one, I know she likes this other guy, and for the other I remember her expressing what I thought was disgust when my arm accidentally brushed hers. And I can't determine the extent of my feelings for her, either. I find her very attractive, but it seems like the only way we could communicate was me teasing her. And we don't seem to have very many common interests either.
So... to come out of the closet now, or to wait till our major exams (we got seriously major ones this year) are over before I say anything to her? It's been killing me that she doesn't talk to me anymore...
And if I've bored you with my abysmally long and confusing tale of my sexual orientation, I apologise. I needed an outlet to express my thoughts and I was hoping that someone might be able to help.
(I forgot to mention the fact that I'm quite an overweight person, and thus very very un-attractive to both guys and girls. Which also complicates things. Heh.)
[This message has been edited by Erise (edited 01-23-2005).]