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Author Topic: The damned agony of a crush
stellar_jules
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Hey, I'm new to the boards, so shalom to everyone.
I've known I am bi-curious, (or whatever terminology would be assigned) for a while now, but I'm not out yet. I can see myself connecting physically, but most of all emotionally, with members of both sexes. Up until about two months ago, I'd been going out with a guy for over a year, but I've never actually gone out with a girl.
Now, it seems like a new relationship is incipient between one of my guy friends and I. The only problem is, I'm majorly crushing on a female friend of mine right now. It's that bittersweet agony: some amorphous stuff that is quite well revealed in Sarah McLachlan songs. My crush also happens to be the head of a very involved, very small extracurricular organization that is quite dear to my heart, with a few very dedicated/smart/cool people working over 20 hours a week on it. Our group won't say we're best friends, but we're pretty tight knit, not a surprising thing when you consider how much time we spend together. The last thing I want to do is introduce some awkward revelation or situation to mar that kind of balance.
I've had crushes on girls before, but this time it seems like she's reciprocating. I'm really not one to make a first move or for that matter any move until I'm dead sure, and I really don't want to end up creating an awkward situation because I misinterpreted just platonic or unserious, flirty acts for cues. If she is in fact bi (I've ruled out her being lesbian), she isn't out. I really don't feel comfortable revealing that I'm bi. It's not that I think that the people in this group are homophobic, but I really don't want to draw attention to myself or give them any weird ideas about me. It's true that it would only maybe cause 2 weeks of awkwardness, but I really stilll am not willing to chance it. Again, they're not best friends, but very cool people.
At the same time, I'm desparate to find out if this chemistry I'm feeling is mutual. It seems like she started to show the signs first, but if they are advances, I've been sending mixed signals. Hm...I really really hope there's no chance that anyone I know could be reading this right now. Damn. [see note below] I probably should have been more specific about this whole post, but I'm just really really confused and hesistant right now. How do I find out for sure?

------------------
-Jules
Read James Joyce for a good shrug
Read Toni Morrison for a good cry
Read Amy Tan for a good laugh
Read Jack Kerouac for a good soul
Read Dave Eggers for a good thought
Read Stephen Hawking for a good brain
But by all things that are good and pure, don't read Karl Marx's prose.
*this post was edited for more anonymity and clarity. yes, i am evidently paranoid. ciao to all.*

[This message has been edited by stellar_jules (edited 02-24-2003).]


Posts: 4 | From: Somewhere in Texas, hopefully to be NY, CA, or MA in two years. :United States. | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sunset_Rose
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First of all, Welcome to the boards!
Its always nice to see new people posting here, because I firmly believe in the greatness of Scarleteen!

Secondly, this is going to sound really obvious, but the only answer i can see to this is to ask her.
Weigh up the pros and cons of asking her how she feels, and if you feel like its worth it to know how she feels, ask her.
Good luck with whatever you decide.


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stellar_jules
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It's really the only logical solution. I've been thinking about really circuitous, random, and contrived schemes to find out, like leaving a cryptic note in a CD I'm about to lend her. Really random, really, really needy-sounding, I'm sure. *sigh* What a double edged sword infatuation is.
Posts: 4 | From: Somewhere in Texas, hopefully to be NY, CA, or MA in two years. :United States. | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
stellar_jules
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By the way, much thanks. Sincere advice is priceless.
Posts: 4 | From: Somewhere in Texas, hopefully to be NY, CA, or MA in two years. :United States. | Registered: Feb 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sunset_Rose
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Hey, your very welcome.
And I know what you mean about the double edged sword... *sigh*

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