I've known since about 7th grade that I'm bisexual (i'm 16 now). I've never really had any desire to "come out" until recently, though. I just feel like its time. I live in a very small and very close-minded community where everyone hates people who are "different".

I want to tell my friends, and i wouldnt hessitate to, except that if it got out and around my school, i feel that basketball would be ruined for me. Basketball is a HUGE part of my life. But, you know, 14 close-minded girls are not going to want to change in front of me if they were to find out. I would probably be forced to quit, and i would hate that.

There's another problem... the only friend that i'm close enough to to tell this to was raised VERY religious and i'm not sure what her personal views are...

I don't really know if my problem is clearly defined, but if anyone can help in any way, please do.

It's very possible to be out and NOT endanger yourself. I'm not saying that they're going to kill you. What I'm saying is that it is reasonable to consider the reaction of your friends and gauge whether or not it's more important to be out to that particular group than to keep the relationship you now have with them. I.E.: Do you want to risk them being wary around you while changing, or is it more important that they aren't?

I've generally found that if I am frank and open about something then people are going to be less wary. Example: You might want to come out to them and just tell them: I like girls--I am not going to go after you... I am not interested in doing anything you wouldn't be comfortable with, and so on. I like those buttons: "I'm bisexual and I'm not attracted to you," because the first thing people seem to think when I come out to them is, "Wow. I wonder if she ever considered me since she'll have sex with anyone if she's bi." There are ways to make sure that your friends realize that that isn't true (which of course it isn't) and reassure them.

But like I said--you don't have to be out to the entire world. I am constantly gauging how comfortable I feel with being out to people I meet. And even though I am satisfied and call myself "out," well, most people would say I am not because I have been selective. But what matters is that I know I am bi, my boyfriend knows I am bi, my friends know I am bi, and selective relatives know, and they are my support system and I'm not afraid to go to them. So sometimes I am more vocal about it than at other times. And that's okay, too.

I think that if your friends are as close-minded as you say, then they could stand to experience some enlightening--but it's up to you whether or not you want to be the guinea pig. We have to choose our battles. And, you know, another thought is that if your friends can't handle who you are, well, they're probably not the best friends to be around, particularly if you feel that you need to live a lie in order to maintain friendships with them. (Easier said than done, I know, but I had to do a lot of rearranging among my friends when I came out...Think of it as a time to see your friends' true colors.)

Thanks again, rambler

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Brittany
Scarleteen Advocate

i called my friend on friday night and just made chit-chat until i could get the nerve to say anything. i threw in a hypothetical question something like "what would you do..." ya know? and the just finally blurted it out. she was really quiet for a few minutes and i was really regretting saying anything, i thought she was going to hang up on me or something. then she said "that's cool.. i kinda suspected when you asked that question." she said that she had always new, but never consciously (cant spell) recognized it. after about 15 minutes of talking on this subject, she had a LOT of questions, we just moved back into our normal conversation. it was pretty awesome how she accepted it. on saturday, we had our town's 4th celebration and she just acted like nothing had changed, which, really, nothing did. (this friend is the religious one from my first post. comes to find out that she has another bi-friend through one of her friends, which makes things double-peachy )

as for telling my parents, i think that will have to wait until i move out, just to avoid a lot of turmoil. they're really over-protective and hardly let me date guys.. let alone girls . i dont think my mom would really be upset. one of her best friends in high school was a lesbian. i also remember a convo her and i had in the car last year. she just blurted out something like "you know, if you like girls or anything like that, i'll still love you and be there for you". truthfully, at this time, it shocked the sh** out of me. i just sat there, freaked out and wide-eyed mumbling a bunch of "mm-hmms" and "ok's" . my step-dad on the other hand grew up in a very anti-everything house, and gay's were at the top of the list. he might pose a problem... but oh well, i'll worry about that when the time comes.

But again--I'm not out to them, so hey, I'm not here to say "get over it and tell them." You don't have to. It's really your business. But it is good to know that your mom will be there for you if you ever meet the perfect girl--and she can probably talk some sense into your stepdad, too if/when the time comes.

Anyway: Yay for you!

I just think everyone should go and check it out because it can be a lot of fun, plus you get to meet people, plus it's really cool to be able to talk to people about your same-sex crushes and not have 'em look like they're going to stone you.

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Brittany
Scarleteen Advocate

happy thoughts