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Author Topic: Lots of anxiety...
feefiefofemme
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So I've got a couple questions/concerns, and both require a bit of backstory. Perhaps I ought to split them into two separate topics, but I feel like it makes more sense to talk about them together. So there's a long post ahead! Here goes...

I had sex for the first time about a month ago. Congratulations to me! I had pretty much decided it was time for it to happen--I'd successfully gotten over my ex (finally), and had nothing holding me back anymore. I was ready for something new. Then a friend of mine informed me that a girl in our dorm thought I was pretty, and so I decided that at the upcoming school dance (fetish-themed, appropriately enough), I would try to make something happen. I ended up dancing with the girl, and eventually going back to her dorm.

The details aren't particularly important, only that after we had sex I spent the night in her room. The next morning I went down on her, and herein lies the problem. See, up until that point I was enjoying myself quite a bit, feeling proud of myself and generally awesome. But post-cunnilingus, I was a little disappointed. I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I thought I would. I might even go so far as to say that I didn't like it.

Since the first time, I've hooked up with the same girl a couple more times, and performed oral sex on her once. It was a little better the second time, but not much. Frankly, I'm kind of surprised. Granted, I'm not super attracted to this girl. She's pretty, and a nice enough person, but she's not my usual type, and I'm just not that into her. What we had was nice--casual, fun, a pretty standard college fling--but that's about it. Still, I always expected to really, really like going down on a girl. Vaginas are pretty, I like making my partner feel good, what's not to like? I guess I just feel a little anxious about my lack of enthusiasm. Worried about its implications with regard to my sexual orientation, perhaps?

So there's that for you. I think I'm going to talk about my other concern in a comment--it'll make things a little more manageable to read, I figure.

Posts: 406 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
feefiefofemme
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Part Deux:

So I've been super-ridiculously, blush-whenever-I-see-him, tingly-all-over attracted to this trans guy in my friend group pretty much since I met him at the beginning of the school year. I learned through a mutual friend a couple months ago that he's quite attracted to me too. Trouble is, he's engaged. He's been engaged to his girlfriend from high school the whole time I've known him. It's a long-distance relationship, and not without its major problems. She's uncomfortable with him being trans, they've broken up and gotten back together multiple times (once since I've known him), she's kind of generally shitty to him. My friends and I have kind of been expecting them to break up all year, and he even says that they'll probably break up over the summer. So my plan was to wait until next year and, if he was single then, maybe try to feel things out and see about starting something with him. Definitely take things slowly, because I didn't want to get caught up in any drama--I wanted to make sure things were really and truly over between him and his fiancée, and I certainly didn't want to push for the end of their relationship if he wasn't ready for it. Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out the way I planned.

Last week (the last week of school), my friends and I had a bit of a party, and we all ended up pretty intoxicated. We were all kind of cuddling and kissing each other in a friendly way, but I ended up making out quite heavily with the aforementioned male friend. I expressed concern about his fiancée at one point, but he said that she had said it was okay for him to do things with other people. I chose to take his word for it and, long story short, we ended up sleeping together. It was really excellent, and I felt good about it at the time, but I’ve been dealing with a lot of guilt and anxiety about it since then. Even though he said it was okay, I still feel kind of guilty about sleeping with someone in a relationship. Mostly, though, I’m worried about what things will be like next year. I’m worried I’ve ruined my chances at any kind of relationship with him by sleeping with him too soon. I’m worried that things will be awkward, especially since the last time I saw him before we both left for the summer was when we had sex.

All in all, I don’t think it was an entirely bad decision to sleep with him, but nor do I think it was necessarily a good one. I guess I’m just hoping to have my fears assuaged a little bit, so I don’t have to spend my summer worrying. This is all a lot to deal with, especially when I’m still getting used to the idea of being sexually active at all.

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loststone
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On your first question; whether you like oral sex has no impact on your sexual orientation. People have different wants and needs and likes when it comes to sex; and that's not the same thing as who you're attracted to.

Also, since you said that you weren't that into this girl, maybe it was just that? It also sounds like you had pretty high expectations, and your experience didn't match those expectations; if we removed what you were expecting of oral sex, how do you feel about your experience?

Of course, it's completely okay if you didn't like oral sex and so you don't want to do it again; we sometimes need to try some things before we work out what we like and don't like after all.

As for your second question; it sounds like you're uncomfortable with the idea of having sex with someone with a partner, even if that is an open relationship. Is that right? Or is this about concern that it wasn't really an open relationship?

Either way it sounds like maybe a talk with this guy about what's going on would be helpful to you right now. Is that possible? It sounds like finding out exactly where you stand with him would put your mind at ease. Obviously we can't know if having sex with this guy now will have an impact on a possible relationship in future, but remember it wasn't just you who made that decision, it was him too. I see no reason why sleeping with him "too soon" should be a problem, you don't have to continue having sex with him just because you have already.

I also hear you saying you are still getting used to the idea of being sexually active; do you feel good about the sex you've been having? Are you moving at a pace which suits you?

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Djuna
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Hi there, feefiefofemme! I'm going to look at this in two parts too (although perhaps they're related). [Smile]

Un
I want to echo that liking oral sex or not doesn't affect your sexual orientation. You get to not enjoy a certain thing and still identify however you want. [Smile] Were there other things you found that you did enjoy in that situation?

I'm hearing that you're anxious about your level of enthusiasm in cunnilingus, though - do you want to talk a little more about what your expectations were, and why you feel you experiences not matching up to those expectations is causing you anxiety?

You described being proud about what you were doing - do you want to go into why you felt proud, and whether you feel less proud (if I'm hearing you right) about the parts of your experience you didn't enjoy so much?

Also, could you explain what the reasons you have are for being sexual with this person who you say you're not too attracted to? Were there other factors that made this something you wanted to do?

Deux
Do you want to talk some more about why you're feeling guilt and anxiety about this experience? Is that all internal or has anyone been adding to that with their own comments, for example?

I'm hearing your concern, too, that things will be awkward with your friend - if you'd like, we can discuss ways of defusing or dealing with that awkwardness?

--------------------
“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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