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Author Topic: idk what to do w/ myself
Ste-Funnie
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I'm sorry but Idk what to say and/or what to think. I feel like crap right now. That's all I know. I just dunno what move to make with what muscle. I'm not sure if what I've been thru the past couple of days is worth another shot and putting more effort. Before I met that girl, I felt I wasn't strong enough to put the effort in. Then I met her and I thought I achieved my goal but it collapsed. [Frown] Now I dunno if I should just start over with this house of cards I spent my whole life building. I like hate myself right now. I feel like what I went thru was a penalty. I dunno what for. I feel like I deserved it. I suspect that God made this happen and it was a punishment. I need help please.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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It's likely going to happen very often for you -- because it does for all of us -- that pursuing romantic relationships is going to sometimes, if not often, mean not getting what you want every single time, or having things start, then not move forward, or start and move forward, but then fizzle out or wind up being what one or both people didn't want.

This is just how this goes, just like it can tend to be with friendships and other kinds of relationships. If this is about anyone's God doling out punishments...well, then everyone is being punished, I guess. But that doesn't strike me as a sound theory at all (especially since not all of us share the same religious or spiritual beliefs in the first place). Why would someone's God keep punishing people all the time for reaching out to other people?

I doubt this is about someone from on high deciding they had it in for you or about a penalty, since what happened with this girl is so par for the course for everyone when it comes to relationships. You thought something was going to get started or hoped it would get started a certain way you wanted it to: it didn't. That's typical in life for everyone.

That said, we're not all always going to feel up to trying to pursue new relationships. If you don't feel like you are at this time in your life, that's okay, and you don't have to.

[ 03-02-2011, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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First of all, when I said it was a punishment, I said that I dunno what its for. Second of all, I'm talking about this situation. As in, I think that other people who get turned down and hurt from this, that wasn't caused by God, but this one was a punishment. I dunno what for. Maybe something in the past.

The last paragraph you said, well, thats not the point of having to. I just can't decide on whether I want to go for it or not. I try to squeeze some strength into me. I went to pfy 2 weeks ago and sat down and didn't think about dating and then whoop-de-doo, and then back to the beginning. Now I'm just going to think about it and then desperation and loss. It's like playing a vid game and getting really close to beating the last level and losing & starting all over.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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I don't share your belief in God, but I'm pretty sure that no God is going to basically not get involved in anyone else's love life, but only take part in yours.

And yes: a lot of the time, for everyone, dating is like not always winning the video game.

If you want to go with that comparison, then you might just need to figure out if you're into playing (dating) for the sake of playing (dating: for taking things step by step and seeing where they go on all sides). OR, if it's only to try and "win" (get exactly what you want every time and seeing "getting" a girlfriend as a goal rather than engaging in the process of getting to know people step-by-step and seeing how things go, which can include putting yourself out there and not having things go anywhere at all).

If it's only to "win" then it's very likely that dating is going to be very frustrating for you most of the time, because that's just not how things go, for anyone, most of the time.

But just like a video game, it's also only something you need to do if you want to play. If you don't, or don't feel up to it, then you don't have to. Once more, we're not always going to feel up to this or like we're at the right point in our lives to deal with all the stops-and-starts. It sounds to me like you might not be right now, and again, that's okay. Maybe later down the road, you'll feel more resilient and more able to deal with the reality of how this tends to go a lot of the time.

[ 03-02-2011, 05:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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That's understandable. But if she doesn't want me as a girlfriend, that's T.N.M.P.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Well, if you only approach dating with interest in someone who will commit to being in a serious or exclusive relationship without being able to get a chance to get to know you first, that may actually be or become your problem.

That's because a) a lot of people aren't going to be down with that (especially since it can feel like you don't actually care about who they are, only about who they might be to you or as a role, not a whole person) and/or b) the people who are can often be people who are emotionally less healthy than folks who take things more gradually.

So, if you stick to this kind of approach, you're more likely to either wind up with no romantic relationships or with unhealthy ones. Both of which, I think you'd agree, would be very much a problem for you, you know?

[ 03-03-2011, 03:07 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Ste-Funnie
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But I did get to know her. She didn't say nuttin about it, she said she ain't that interested. And I did care for her, considering you know how worried I was about her siezures. She stutters a lot and I accepted that (in fact I'm picking it up from her). I loved her for her. Therefore, you may not believe in love at first sight, but I do. And yeah, maybe she don't. But thats her opinion.

Btw, I had no idea you knew "TNMP".

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
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For some people, getting to know someone is a long process, often longer than a few days or weeks. A lot of the time, people would rather go on several dates with someone before they think of themselves as someone's girlfriend or boyfriend. Sometimes, after a date or two, they may decide that they are not interested in that person - that's up to them and not something you can have control over.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Ste-Funnie
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I never said I could control it. What I can't control is that I am big on physicality. On the grounds that I never got a chance with a woman. There is sexual and emotional interest. I have both but I'm more on the sexual side. I guess I'd have to find other women like that. Sometimes I feel perverted. I feel like if I'm focused on the physics that I'm some sort of slut. I'm not sure if I'd be considered a creep. People treated me like one and called me one even before I knew for sure A) that I was a female homosexual B) that I'm a sex addict. Not even just sex, again, physics. I just realized that was the prob. I don't know if somethings wrong and I need serious help OR if i should take meds for this.

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~Stephanie Gabriella Murray
I'm very gay for being a lesbian, and not gay to be what I'm not

Posts: 251 | From: Long Island | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
CoatRack
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There's debate in psychiatric circles about whether sex addiction is a real disorder or even a real addiction so without the guidance of a psychiatrist it's not a great idea to try and diagnose or label yourself with stuff like that.

It's totally normal to want to be sexual. Sex is a normal and healthy part of being a human and that sex can come in a lot of different ways. Masturbation is a sexual activity, as are various kinds of sex with other people. Wanting that sex is a totally normal thing.

Some people can have a sexual relationship without having the emotional part but that doesn't work for very many people. Getting to know people, really and truly know them, is a great way to start that emotional connection. Getting to know somebody takes more than three days; usually quite a bit longer. Instead of telling a person right away that you want to be their girlfriend or date them just getting to know them and getting emotionally close is the first step in starting a sexual relationship.

It's really important to remember that there is a lot more to relationships than having sex, and a lot more to friendship than dating. It's OK to want sex but in some of the things you have said before about not wanting any friends who you can't date makes it sound like you think you only want sex. That is likely to not work super well, especially in high school. A lot of people want to know somebody before the consider dating and possibly being sexual with them.

I think it might be a good idea for you to take a few steps back and recognize that it's totally OK to not have sex with somebody else right now. Just work on making some good friendships so that you have people to talk to about this kind of thing. A lot of times somebody to take will pop up a lot faster if you aren't trying to find somebody to date.

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Hey folks, my name is Andrew and I was a mod here for awhile a couple years ago. I'll be here for a couple weeks while Heather is out and the site is even more short-staffed than usual

Posts: 441 | From: Boston, MA | Registered: Dec 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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