posted
I have this girlfriend that I've been dating for just under a month. Problem is she lives a plane ride away from me. She is so amazing and I feel that we are so great for each other. But I'm a little worried about it because every single time I've had a long distance relationship, it's never worked out. However, with those past relationships they were with guys and it turns out I'm a lesbian. So maybe those past ones didn't work because I'm gay? I don't know, but I'm still a little worried just because of my track record for long distance. Any one have any sort of advice at all about this?
posted
You need to decide whether it will work for you. It will be hard, is she worth it? Assess your relationship is it something that can last the distance?
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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posted
I think we have to be careful saying any given kind of relationship is hard. For some people, or some relationships, an LDR may be hard, while for others, it can be preferable to an in-person relationship, or at least be just as doable. I also don't think we can accurately say that we need to assess if a relationship can "last distance" any more than we do to see if one will "last constant contact," you know?
It's tough to compare this now to relationships you had before, especially since you're saying you were dating well outside your orientation in the past.
Have you talked about how you're going to manage an LDR? Have you started to get some practices in place to do that -- things like planned visits, times to talk, ways to communicate regularly, etc?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63426 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
My basic advice to anyone who wants to seriously pursue a long distance relationship is to be prepared to invest a lot of time/money into it, and to make sure it's what you really want. If you only think that you might like your partner there's no point in spending all the time and money in taking planes here and there to meet up with them. You should make sure it's a relationship you're committed to.
-------------------- "If I ever saw an amputee being hanged, I would just yell out letters." Posts: 29 | From: Queensland, Australia | Registered: Oct 2009
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quote:Originally posted by panique: My basic advice to anyone who wants to seriously pursue a long distance relationship is to be prepared to invest a lot of time/money into it, and to make sure it's what you really want. If you only think that you might like your partner there's no point in spending all the time and money in taking planes here and there to meet up with them. You should make sure it's a relationship you're committed to.
While I agree that money and time can certainly be factors, I disagree that all long-distance relationships must be ultra-committed in order to be "worth it." As you see in the articles I linked as well as how Heather alluded to it in her post above, there is no one ideal type for a long-distance relationship. (Or ANY relationship, as covered in Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models.) Some people look at it as a means to an end and other people see it more as a just-see-what-happens adventure. For example, people who meet online or through friends and who didn't start the relationship in-person are going to have to take those "risks," which are truly present for any relationship, to see how they jibe together before committing. In fact, committing oneself before finding what works is really to be discouraged.
I say the key is that both/all parties are honest about what they want (or think they may or may not want) and really focus on communication. If people enjoy each other's company and are up for just seeing how things go, I say go for it! Along those lines, when we spend the time and money to visit a friend or potential friend, do we sit and ask ourselves "is this worth it?" or "am I really committed to this friendship?" Maybe, yes, but I think it's a more casual "I think it could be fun/interesting for any xyz reason." Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
michan, I know your post has inspired a lot of discussion but I also wanted to check back in with you.
As Heather said, have you two talked about logistics or possibilities yet? Have you two met in-person yet? (Sorry if you've mentioned this elsewhere and I missed it. ) How often and hwo do you two chat-- is that working for you right now or would you like to go about it differently? Might a in-person visit in the works for you two in the near future? Would you be interested in it and like some suggestions on how to arrange for it? Have you two talked about it to your family and/or friends?
Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
Thank you all for your advice. ^^ And to answer your question Ecofem, we haven't met in person yet and we chat pretty much every day. And in terms of going about it differently, I would love for it to be in person but I know that wont happen until we have enough money to visit, and have definitely talked about meeting in person.
posted
It's good to hear from you, Mi-chan! I've still got quite a bit on my plate tonight but I plan to be back soon to write more and share some links. Have a good week! Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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I think Lena has made some really great points here, and I also wanted to chime in with my two cents. I've been in a long-distance relationship with my partner for almost two years now (our anniversary is November 12th!), and though the distance poses its own unique challenges, having an LDR can also be a very fulfilling experience.
The major thing I love about being in a long-distance relationship is that we have gotten very, very good at communication. It's definitely tricky at first, but I've learned a lot about how to communicate my needs and also be an active listener. Also, we got to assess our compatibility pretty quickly in the first few months of our relationship, because we were constantly writing back and forth. It was sort of an "accelerated getting-to-know-you" process, with a lot of the small-talk cut out. That relationship model worked well for me, because I can be a bit awkward in public, and I feel more comfortable writing than speaking.
Being in a long-distance relationship also forced me to take care of myself, instead of relying on a partner meeting those needs. (Granted- this took a lot of trial and error-- it's tempting to want to "outsource" your mental health to loved ones, but it's also very helpful to learn how to take care of yourself as an individual). I've found that the long-distance model has facilitated my partner and I coming into the relationship as two strong wholes, as opposed to halves that are "supposed" to "complete" one another.
Those are some thoughts I'm not sure if they will be useful to you/your girlfriend, but maybe they will offer a new perspective.
Take care!
-------------------- Vanessa
I believe in the radical possibilities of pleasure, babe... I do, I do, I do. Posts: 140 | From: Montreal | Registered: Jul 2009
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posted
You haven't met in person? Maybe it's just me but that seems pretty important. I don't know why, but it does. But I don't know you, and I don't know what works for you. But suggest you meet in person before you get too serious.
-------------------- ~moonlight
I am ME and that is the only label I need. Posts: 821 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Oct 2009
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[Hey Mi-chan, I just saw that you are participating in NaNoWriMo. So am I! Glad to see a fellow writer around. Good luck!]
-------------------- -joey Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 8424 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
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-------------------- Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.--Monty Python and the Holy Grail Posts: 2726 | From: North America | Registered: Apr 2007
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posted
I agree, it is important for a face to face meeting, however neither of us have the money to fly to each other [hey awesome, good luck to you too]
I'm back to reply more, but you're already gotten some great feedback. I love reading what Vanessa wrote because it speaks to the positive aspects of LDRs, which certainly exist but are often underrated.
I met my current partner online; we interacted casually for a few years online, then things really picked up (I totally get the love-to-chat, it-just-feels-so-organic-and-fun vibe) and we met in person about three months after that. We sort of viewed the time before we met as just being extra friendly or even "dating" but didn't really use any relationship titles until after we had met in person, saw how we jibed and then reflected on it afterward.
I agree with you and moonlight that meeting sooner rather than later would be important for seeing how things work in person; I also get how money can be an issue (fortunately, I'm a bit older and have a salary plus an extra job) as can time. I say, keep the intensity (talking and sharing so much while you get to know each other) but also work on meeting up asap (since you both want it, too!) and staying mindful that attraction online and in-person are not always one and the same. You know this, of course, because it's something people are always going to say. I would argue that the chances are that you WILL like and be attracted to each other in person but it's important to check just in case. (Based on what you hear, I had thought that the opposite was more common place but I think it really depends and I tend to be a cautiously optimistic person anyway.) This isn't about sexual orientation as it is just personality and chemistry, of course.
May I ask how far away you are? Are we talking about another location in Canada or somewhere in North America or a whole different continent?
In terms of making a visit affordable, I think you two could totally look into sharing the cost of one plane ticket, if you feel comfortable with it. Granted, transferring x-amount of funds to some anonymous Liechtensteiner bank account could be sketch but working together to make it happen is another thing (because you'd both be reaping the benefits.) Do you think you'd go see her or she'd see you? We can talk more about logistics and what not later if you'd like. If I understand correctly, you're in high school and living with parent/s? How do they feel about your relationship? How old is she, and how does her family feel?
posted
hey, I am around I've just been busy and my life has been pretty hellish lately I was doing great and things were pretty perfect but I recently lost someone very close to me so I'm trying to cope with it. Anyways, it's not too much of a surprise that something bad happened, things were waaaay to good to last much longer.
posted
Heya, thanks for your quick reply and good to hear from you. As you saw from my response elsewhere, I saw and am very sorry to hear about your mentor's passing. Please do give yourself time to grieve... I would say that things still can and will be good and death is an unfortunate fact of life, "perfection" can be a tricky concept, but I do hear where you're coming from -- I've dealt with the serious illness and/or death of some mentor-figures in my life this Fall-- and also know you know what I mean here. I wish you the best and hope you have a good or at least productive and peaceful week. Posts: 3318 | Registered: Jun 2003
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posted
It's no problem and thank you. It's really nice to have the support of so many people, even if I don't actually know them directly. And I definitely have been giving myself time to grieve, and I've been crying less and less every day which I think is a good sign. I'm sure things will start to get better soon too. They can't stay bad forever.
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) How often and hwo do you two chat-- is that working for you right now or would you like to go about it differently? Might a in-person visit in the works for you two in the near future? Would you be interested in it and like some suggestions on how to arrange for it? Have you two talked about it to your family and/or friends?
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