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I've recently reconnected with the woman who was my girlfriend when I was 15-16 (she's a year older than me) and it's been really great to talk with her. Even though we've only talked a few times since we broke up, every time we talk it feels surprisingly familiar and good. She's one of the people I feel most comfortable around and can talk most honestly with (except when it comes to sex, which I'll get to). For several reasons, it's felt right that we haven't talked much until now (including a shared traumatic experience that we've each managed differently). We decided we're going to get together next month (we're a few states away from each other), and I'm really excited to hang out with her.
I feel really unresolved about our former relationship though. We broke up pretty abruptly and mutually after the traumatic thing, and since then, though we've processed some, it's felt strange to me how much we haven't really acknowledged--and she seems to have reservations about talking about--the romantic/sexual aspects of our former relationship. Part of this seems to have to do with the fact that she identifies as basically straight now.
When we were together we didn't really talk about the sex we were having. It was sort of like brushing our teeth or getting dressed; something that happened frequently but wasn't really addressed. I really want to talk about it with her now. I want to acknowledge that it did happen, that I have a lot of really special memories about being sexual with her and painful ones too. I wish we could have talked about it then, but talking to her now, it almost feels like she's come back from the dead, and I'm so curious to compare notes as older people, with more distance, better able to express ourselves.
I want to say, "Remember when we were _____ and I ________. I felt so terrible about that and I've always wondered what that was like for you." Or, "Remember when we ________. Wasn't that hot?" Talking about the first, miserable time we had sex together would be really helpful for me.
I know the thing for me to do is tell her I want to talk about that aspect of our relationship, but I guess I'm wanting reassurance that it's an okay thing to want (she of course, may not want to talk about this stuff, but do you think I'm weird for wanting to?). Do people do this? Do any of you have relationships with exes where you reminisce/process about your previous sexual relationship? Is this an appropriate thing to want? I just feel so weird starting a new relationship with her, without talking about that other one first. And sex was a part of it.
-------------------- without tenderness, we are in hell. -Adrienne Rich Posts: 407 | From: USA | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
Save a few exceptions, I've generally been pretty chummy with a lot of my exes, and we have talked about past stuff, including sex, and often fondly. However, what we talk about does tend to depend on people's comfort levels, and I'd say it sounds like your ex wasn't all that comfortable talking about sex then, and that she may or may not be comfortable talking about it now, either.
But personally, I don't see any problem with ASKING if it's something the two of you can talk about.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63699 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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I definitely don't think that you're weird for wanting to process a bit more about the sexual aspect of that previously relationship, or just to talk about it. We're all sexual beings, so it makes sense that we sometimes want or need that to be a part of a larger conversation about a relationship or interaction.
From what you say here about your relationship with your ex, though, it seems like you and she may just have sort of different styles of communication, particularly around sex and sexuality. So while it's cool that you want to talk about this, it may or may not mean that this would feel ok for her.
Like Heather mentioned above, I think it's cool to bring it up and ask if that is ok to discuss, but you may want to consider for yourself what it would mean or do to that relationship or your psyche if her answer was NO. I think that going into these kinds of conversations it's good to consider what it might be like if you did not get the answer you were looking for. If you feel ok with the possibility of bringing it up but being told that it's not ok for her to discuss, then I don't see why you would need to refrain from talking about it.
Posts: 384 | From: Philadelphia, PA | Registered: Sep 2008
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