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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » I'm worried about my friend...

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Author Topic: I'm worried about my friend...
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

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Long story short, my friend, J, is lesbian. In secret though.
Anyway, I suspected when she said she was in a relationship but wouldn't tell me who with, and kept referring to them as 'them' rather than 'him' (and being very careful about that), and on seeing the sheer number of photos of her with with a girl named R on her myspace (innocuous if you knew no background, at the most just kissing cheeks), that she was going out with R. Although when I mentioned if it was her she laughed it off.
I've since found out from another friend that J has decided she's lesbian in the last month or so (although my other friend wasn't supposed to know). So I'm wondering why, although J seems very comfortable with being lesbian, she can imply it to a close friend but not feel the confidence to actually say, 'I'm lesbian', even though it's in strict confidence.
And it's not as if she's just experimenting: next year, they plan to move in together (ie when everyone leaves for university).
I'm just worried that maybe she's still a bit hung up over it, so I was wondering what some of you guys who have been through the 'coming out' process might think.

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
SpiralBound
Neophyte
Member # 33566

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When you say J has "decided she's lesbian," does that mean that J said "I'm a lesbian" or that she's decided that she's primarily interested in dating women? If she hasn't chosen to call herself a lesbian, it's possible that she simply doesn't prefer to identify herself with that label. From my experience, it's possible to be very confident and comfortable with being a woman who's in a relationship with a woman and still not choose to use the label lesbian...

Are there other reasons that you're worried about your friend? From what you're describing, she sounds fine to me, just like she's taking her own sweet time deciding what to call herself and who to talk to about her relationships.

Posts: 5 | From: Portland, OR | Registered: Apr 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Djuna
Activist
Member # 29269

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I mean she doesn't have the confidence to say, 'I'm in a relationship with another girl'. I didn't mean to binary-ist there. Sorry [Smile]

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“In a strange room, before you are emptied for sleep, what are you. And when you are filled with sleep you never were. I don’t know what I am. I don’t know if I am or not... how often have I lain beneath rain on a strange roof, thinking of home.”

Posts: 1269 | From: London, UK | Registered: Jun 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Sakura Sky
Neophyte
Member # 35575

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I didn't come out until this year, when I was 23 and almost done with college. Some people don't come out until they're 40 and have been married/divorce with kids.

Everyone comes out at their own time. You have to remember that some people, no matter what their age, may still be trying to figure their identity out for themselves much less anyone else, as sexuality can be a fluid thing, as Mz. Heather says.

As a lesbian, my advice to you would be to simply say "Hey, I just want you to know whether you are or aren't a lesbian, I love you and support you either way, and if you ever want to talk about it with someone you can trust, if you ever need an ally, I'm here." And leave it at that.

An open door is wonderful, but don't push her through it.

Posts: 15 | From: Denver, CO | Registered: Oct 2007  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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