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My dad doesnt get it. he wants to protect me from everything. and yes, i mean EVERTHING. i cannot leave the house after i get home. and i cant even check out what books i want from the library. my dad gets to decide what clothes i can have, and what clothes i can wear. he even decided that i wasnt ever going to own a digital media device. im talking anything; cd player, gameboy, xbox. anything.
the other problem is that he is a pastor. but he is a member of the UCC. which happens to be one of the most liberal churches in the U.S.
and i am bi. but how exactly do i tell my dad this? and how do i get them to let me do anything?
ive never been in trouble. never. and my mom doesnt stand up for me, soo.... any suggestions are very welcome.
-------------------- "Im not the next of them, I am the first of me..." -First of Me, Hoobastank Posts: 24 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jun 2006
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You didn't mention how old you are, so this might be a little off... but I think that maybe you should hold off on coming out until you have a few more personal freedoms at home.
As things come up (library books, going out, etc), I would calmly and politely ask him why he has that rule.
Tell him that he raised you to be able to make adult decisions, and you would like him to trust you to think critically about what you want to read, or follow your gut if you don't feel safe when you're out, etc.
And compromise. Ask him why he doesn't like you going out. Maybe invite your friends over so he can meet them, get a feel for the "types" of people you're hanging out with, and all that stuff. Maybe, instead of just "going out," I would come up with a specific plan for what you are going to do and when.
For example, If I said "I'm going into the city, I'll be back before midnight" my parents would flip. But if I said, "I'm going to check out the art galleries until eight or nine and then get dinner with, Sally, Mary, Joe, Bob, and Isabella, I should be home on the 10:15 train, or maybe 11:15 if dinner runs long and we miss it," she'd (probably) be okay with it.
If you're still in high school, you could bring up the "college" argument. Ex. "When I get to college, I'm going to need to be able to understand bus schedules so I can get to the grocery store... can I take the bus to the pool hall in the next town? I'll call you if I have any problems."
(Depending on where you live, 'pool hall' might not be the best hangout spot, though.)
Offering to call every time your location changes isn't a bad plan either. Your friends will understand, and eventually, your parents will be so annoyed by it, that they'll tell you to stop.
Oh.... and chores. Bartering with housecleaning has been extremely effective, in my experience. Some parents will say, "if you want to be treated like an adult, start acting like one!" So if you can, do your laundry, do the dishes, clean your room. without being asked <-- That's the important part.
Wow, um. This was long. I hope this helped, and I can answer any other questions you have.
Trust me. My parents are Evangelical/Fundamentalist Christian, and I managed to get a lot more freedom in the past two years (since I was 17) that way. (And now I'm off to college, so the point is moot!! hee hee)
(However, I'm still closeted. I don't want to bring up any "unnecessary tension" until I have a steady income and a place to live.)
im 15, if that means anything. and one of the things you mentioned, the friends thing, is a big problem. none of my close friends live within 20 min of my house. i am going to a school that, though in the same district, is in a different town.
another thing, the chores, i do nearly all of my chores without being asked. my parents just dont notice when i do.
as for the talking calmly thing, my father and i cannot talk calmly to eachother about restrictions. ive tried, i promise, soooo many times. and then if i do get pissed off, and i want to go to my room, so as not to physically blow up at him... he follows.
My mom has a brain-tumor, and shes doing great but she cant really deal with arguments. and even before the diagnosis, she never argued with my dad. my dad is a really dominering guy, and i dont think ive ever heard them fight.
and i dont know if i told him, how he'd react. i think my mom would be fine with it, but my dad... i just dont know. and you have a good point about the not telling until im financially and otherwise independent... but i am really open about myself, and... i just dont know. the only thing im not confused about is that i am bi. but... the rest is up in the air.
-------------------- "Im not the next of them, I am the first of me..." -First of Me, Hoobastank Posts: 24 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jun 2006
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All right, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but when I was 15, I didn't have very many freedoms, and I didn't get them until I was almost 17. Patience is going to be a valuable virtue in this, because you are going to have to wait.
Just try talking with him, and stay calm. If he tries to follow you, tell him that you would like to continue the conversation later and ask him to respect your want of privacy.
If they don't notice you do your chores, ask for extra ones, or offer to help make dinner or something.
But, like I said, it isn't going to happen overnight.
Posts: 129 | From: Mid-Atlantic US | Registered: Feb 2006
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*tears* i know... and as my parents keep saying, "ur the oldest, its ur job to break ground" so of course my sister doesnt have ne of those restrictions... oh wait.. sorry. *cough*
neways, with the talking to him, when i try to leave it is because i am trying not to actually scream at him, and not to cuss at him, so if i say anything, it wouldnt be calm. it would be like.... yeah, not polite company words.
(i make dinner, cause i love to cook, and i ask to make dinner. the chores are all done... my parents just dont notice when i do them, they only notice when i do something wrong, or when i dont do it.)
-------------------- "Im not the next of them, I am the first of me..." -First of Me, Hoobastank Posts: 24 | From: Seattle | Registered: Jun 2006
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I know how you feel. My sister is 17, and she always whines so she gets things at the same time as me (cell phone, internet, etc), even though I am almost two years older.
And it sucks that things aren't fair, but you are going to have to decide for yourself if you can change them.
And if you can't, you're going to have to accept it. Instead of not doing something (like going out), try to change it to doing something else. You could ask about a structured activity like a dance or art class, or ask if you could volunteer somewhere. Or what about a cooking class?
If you feel like this situation isn't going to change for a while, you need to stop dwelling on it and learn to accept it. This just might not be the right time.
Posts: 129 | From: Mid-Atlantic US | Registered: Feb 2006
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