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Author Topic: My girlfriend isn't out
chickacherrycola
Neophyte
Member # 12324

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I have been an out bisexual for about 2 years now. Recently, one of my very good friends (who I had thought was straight) confessed that she had feelings for me. I had always had a bit of a crush on her too, but had tryed to repress it, knowing that I could never be with her. Since we realized that we both liied eachother, we have begun some sort of a relationship- hanging out even more than usual and making out a lot, plus a little more.

But there has been one major hitch we've encountered. She is very unsure about her sexual orientation at the moment, which I can totally emphasize with, and because of this she's a little unsure that what we've been doing is 'really her'. Because of this I feel uncomfortable being the dominant one in the relationship, because I'm afraid that I will do somnthing that she is not comfortable with and she will not say no at the time, just because it's so new, but will regret it after the fact.

I've spoken to her about this and told her that I will feel more comfortable if she would initiate at least some of our physical encounters, but she says that she feels to uncomfortable with it to do so. I'm really happy with our current relationship, but this aspect makes me uncomfortable.

Also, there a few other difficult pieces to us having a relationship. One, is that she is not out at all, and had requested that I do not tell our mutual friends anything about what's been going on between us. I am trying to respect this but am having trouble because it makes me feel like she is ashamed of our relationship.

Also, her mother is intensely Christian and homophobic. Her mother had recently read her journal and so she know a little bit about what's been going on. Since, she found out that I was not straight she has always been a little cool towards me, but now that she knows that I'm in a relationship with her daughter, she has stopped talking to me altogether and is on the verge of kicking my friend out of the house. I know this is not my fault (and her mother shouldn't have been reading her journal in the first place), but I can't help but feel partially responsible for the pain that my friend's mom is causing her.

Sorry, that's a little long. I would very much appriciate advice on any or all of these matters. Thanks in advance!


Posts: 29 | From: Boulder, Colorado, USA | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pumpkin_Pie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5822

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First up, it is not your fault that your girlfriend is experiencing such a hard time at the hands of her mother.
Think of it this way: You're a sanctuary where she can escape from all of that.

You can't control what other people say and do, or how they think. Let me tell you the world would be a very different place if I could do that!

The best thing in any relationship is communication, and you seem to be doing your best to keep that present.
You need to stress how important her comfort is to you, other than that, there is no other way you can ensure whe is completely opening up to you.
It's understandable she's unsure, and she needs time to adjust to these feelings she has, especially if she was raised in a household where homophobia was as present as it seems to be.

If she's uncomfortable with people knowing about your relationship, then you need to respect that. However, I can see where you're coming from, and maybe a compromise needs to be reached.
Surely there is a mutual friend she trusts enough to tell.

I doubt she's ashamed of your relationship, I think she's just scared, which is a very understandable feeling.

Good luck, and remember to keep talking and listening, and try to keep on the same wavelength as each other.


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chickacherrycola
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Member # 12324

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Thanks for your advice slayer_gurl! Since posting last, I have talked to her again about where out relationship is at and talked about some of the issues I had discussed. We did come to a compromise about not telling "anyone". There is a mutual friend that she is comofortable with knowing about it. Things are still a little tough, but I'm definately going to try and maintain clear and honest communication. Thanks again for your support.
Posts: 29 | From: Boulder, Colorado, USA | Registered: Mar 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Pumpkin_Pie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 5822

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No problem sweetie, I'm glad you talked things through and reached a compromise and that communication is now becoming part of your relationship.

Good luck!

Bek


Posts: 896 | From: Europe | Registered: Nov 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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