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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » LGBTQA Relationships » My best friend needs help.

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Author Topic: My best friend needs help.
Chinyere85
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Member # 7554

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Hello. I tend to be longwinded in forums often, so I'll try to keep this succinct.

Lately I've been talking a lot to my best friend about her bisexuality. I have battled in my mind with my own orientation enough to able to help her figure out her own. The big problem is, though, that she will have a lot of difficulty coming out to anyone else, especially her parents. I am afraid, with her family situation, that her parents would do as much as disown her if she ever admitted that she was anything but heterosexual. Her parents will only allow her to marry into a certain religion, and they make no accomodations for any orientation besides heterosexuality.

So, a lot of her difficulty comes with religious conflict and family issues. Her family means a great deal to her, and fear of being disowned is really restricting her. I really don't have any advice to give her with her family situation, and I was wondering if anyone had any suggestions from personal experience or whatnot. Thanks in advance.

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Antes de un sueño, en la densidad que es la niebla del pensamiento en la noche, descubrí cuan dulce, cuan bello y cuan amable eres. En una plegaria, anoche, oré para que encuentres gran felicidad en tu vida, porque...no sé por qué...creo que la mereces. Jamás será el día en el que entiendas esto, y jamás te lo diré. No necesitas saberlo...vive y sé feliz.

[This message has been edited by Chinyere85 (edited 07-19-2003).]


Posts: 55 | From: Ypsilanti | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lemming
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Well, it sounds like your friend is having quite a hard time here, and you're being a great friend by just being there for her as a sounding board. A lot of people would love to have a friend like you.

I respect honesty, and I believe it's the most important thing one can have in a relationship, with a friend or a partner or a lover. That said: I can't possibly recommend your friend coming out to her parents if it's going to put her in danger. (Even if you don't think there's any physical danger to her, she is a minor, and I'm not sure how she'll take care of herself if they kick her out of the house or abandon her--plus, emotional abuse is still abuse, and if her parents are this opposed to their daughter's sexual orientation, it may become unbearably tense and hostile at home.)

It sounds like she has a pretty good idea of how her parents will react. Even so, parents can surprise their children. Have her parents shown any sign at all of being accepting? (It doesn't sound like they have, but just checking.) While openness with her parents might be a good thing, it seems like her gut is telling her it's not the best thing for her right now, and though it may be difficult and frustrating and saddening to her, it may be best for her physical and emotional safety to not discuss her sexuality with her parents at this time.

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Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

Kissing girls in English at the back of the stairs, you're a honey with a following of innocent boys, they never know it because you never show it..." - Belle and Sebastian


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Chinyere85
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Thanks for the advice. Yeah, as it is now, she is 17 and she's going off to college next year, and I'm figuring now would not be a good time to be open with her parents if it could mean cutting off of funds and support. She's still really discovering her own sexuality, so I think it's safe for now not to be open with her parents about it. As it is now, her attraction really doesn't have a sexual element, and she doesn't have a relationship to introduce into the mix, so for now she is safe. Thank you, though, I'll definitely use some of what was said to help her out whenever the time comes, if ever.

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Antes de un sueño, en la densidad que es la niebla del pensamiento en la noche, descubrí cuan dulce, cuan bello y cuan amable eres. En una plegaria, anoche, oré para que encuentres gran felicidad en tu vida, porque...no sé por qué...creo que la mereces. Jamás será el día en el que entiendas esto, y jamás te lo diré. No necesitas saberlo...vive y sé feliz.


Posts: 55 | From: Ypsilanti | Registered: Mar 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lemming
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Glad to be of some help. ;]

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Laurel Lemming
Scarleteen Advocate

Kissing girls in English at the back of the stairs, you're a honey with a following of innocent boys, they never know it because you never show it..." - Belle and Sebastian


Posts: 3156 | From: Austin, Texas | Registered: Jun 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
lovemeleaveme
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As much as it hurts to have to hide something as important to her as her own sexuality from her parents, it seems it may hurt your friend even more if she does choose to come out at this point, and that is an unfortunate truth. As long as you make it clear to to her that you're not trying to pressure her into something that she or her parents are not ready for, and that you will still love and support her, I think she will be alright.

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--edited-- Per the guidelines, please don't post your full name here.

"If you can't take the misery, stay out of the kitchen." Constantinos Smith, VCPR

[This message has been edited by kythryne (edited 07-28-2003).]


Posts: 9 | From: Cypress, CA | Registered: Jun 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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