This is gonna be one loooong post. I'm warning you now, turn back from the dark, rocky pathway if you don't have the time/patience.
It all started on Saturday May 24th, the first day of bump-in for the school play. The day went good, and afterwards two of my friends came and stayed the night at my house. One of them was a girl I had had a huge crush on for 4 months. I was sharing the sofa bed with her and while the three of us were talking (lights on) I was stroking her stomach gently. When we turned out the light I lay with my arm draped gently over her stomach for a bit, then rolled away. See, I was never really sure if she liked me or not, but she said that she used to, and she has always claimed to be bi. She even said to me once that if things didn't work out with her boyfriend (who she's still with) she was going to become a lesbian and would be "coming straight to you, dear" (I think those were the words). Still, she told the other friend that was there that she got weirded out by me touching her (and this is at the tail-end of my crush).
So on Sunday we went back to school and finished working. Monday Amber (the other friend) told me what L. had said. We talked about it together with my best friend (a guy) and psychoanalyzed L. as we do everyone. We decided she was doing it for attention, even if it was subconscious.
On Tuesday night the play opened. I was too wrapped up with doing costumes to think of much else. On Wednesday night I read G.'s tarot, and it said she was fighting with someone (she was). She also got the lover's card and some other stuff signalling a new relationship (though not necessarily with me).
On Thursday, I was quite depressed and I was sitting in the wings before the play just thinking and the girl I would like next (G.) came and talked to me. She made me feel alot better. Me, Amber and K. (guy friend) had been debating her sexuality for ages - no one we talked to had any idea, but one of my other friends said she used to hang out with lesbians in high school.
Later, she was helping K. go through the lighting cues for act 2 (she's head stagemanager). She had taken out her hair and was standing on the stage looking pleasently flushed. I think that's when I became a lost cause. If I were to pigeonhole her at that point I would've called her a tomboy femme, because she had long hair but wore camoflage gear (usually pants) everywhere. It was odd for me because I don't usually go for the more boyish women. I was gushing to Amber & K. every second I got, I stood on the side of the stage even when I didn't have to be there for changes. She was doing double backup because the person on backup was taking control over the person that was supposed to be calling. I nearly died laughing when one night, while sitting alone in the green room, someone said "Could somebody please clear the dead bodies out of the changerooms". Then she came in and I was talking like Willow from Buffy (the nervous gushing happens when I talk to a crush). Soon the show was over and I went on the internet and bored K. to tears with my mush. I think it's quite appropriate to the bit in Heather's "10 things..." article about getting caught up in the Drama - I mean, this was the Drama class!
Friday night started off great. I had convinced myself that G. was at least bi, that she liked me, and that we would make great long-term partners (when I fall, I fall hard). I planned to tell her this at the aftercast, even though my "girlfriend" (more of a casual sex partner) would be there. This is mostly because I needed the alcohol to have the guts to do it. I was horny all night. To top it off I had my period. When Amber, K. & I arrived at the aftercast I got changed, touched up my makeup, and waited for her to arrive. I met up with my "girlfriend" and when G. arrived I introduced her and kissed a lot in front of her, trying to make her jealous of my girl. I had already told her that I regretted inviting my girlfriend. While A. (girlfriend) was off refilling our drinks, I told G. that I wished A. wasn't there (again). She said "Why not, you deserve to have some fun." And I told her that I didn't love A. Then A. came back and G. went elsewhere.
After I had drunk my entire bottle of champagne, I told A. that I was worried about G. and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I went and I told her everything about how I felt. She was extremely good about it and said she was "not straight" which meant "I like being with guys but I'm not going to label myself in case I change my mind". I also explained that I wasn't saying these things because I was drunk - I would've told her sober if I'd had the nerve. We talked as friends for awhile and then A. came over and talked with us. Then the person G. was getting a lift with was going to leave so she got up and I hung around with A. a bit. But G. wasn't leaving right away because another friend getting a lift was sick. So while she helped nurse this guy I was holding her hand going "Don't leave." Then she sat down and I was pressed against her back talking to her. K. asked G. if she wanted him to prise me off her. She said "Maybe in a few minutes". When I couldn't stand up anymore I sat on the grass at her feet holding her free had while A. sat on a chair holding mine. When she made a move to go to the toilet I began saying "Don't leave" quite frantically. When she got back I told her how releived I was (I thought she was going to sneak out and leave). Then all hell broke loose.
L., the girl whose stomach I had been stroking, had sliced her wrist open with a broken bottle. I gave my coat to L. who was being held by 2 people (to keep her warm). I started crying and blaming myself but I quieted down enough to go inside with G. who had to call and ambulance (she has a first aid certificate). When we went back outside I became hysterical, both because I blamed myself and because G. had to take L. inside to look after her. I wanted to be with L. so I could apologize for what I'd done because I was scared she was going to die. I wanted to be with G. because she was so calm and collected and I was in love with her. A. was an absolute angel. She called a friend to drive all of us home (they got me in the car by telling me that G. had gone home and L. was in the hospital and that we could visit her in the morning). When we got back to K.'s house (where Amber & I were staying) I'm pretty sure I woke up his parents with my crying. K. told them what happened. L. had done it in front of K. and Amber, and Amber (in her drunk state) told me all the gory details. I cried myself to sleep. K. had nightmares about having cut wrists.
The next morning the three of us had a good talk about it, and with K.'s sister, and I called my mum and told her and told her to pick me up.
The next few weeks I went to about one class a day - I had lost all motivation for school but I came on the off chance that I would run into G. In bump out, the wire on one of the clothes racks flew off and cut me on the wrist - I still have a scar there.
I talked to the counsellor, parted with A. on good, mutual terms, but I was still having heartache, because although my mind knew it wasn't going to happen, my heart kept insisting on being in love with her. I mean, I couldn't imagine the perfect woman beyond her.
In the 2nd week after the play, I was finally doing ok at being "just friends". Then came that fateful Thursday when we went (with some other friends) to see "Romeo & Juliet" done by another college (we needed to write a review for drama). G. wore her hair out, and wore lipstick, a shiny, sheer shade that I swear I have. I lost my grip on the friendship. There were long blackouts between each scene, and each time all I could imagine was leaning over and kissing her in the dark. I took to writing her long letters late at night voicing my feelings to her and giving them to her at school the next day. It was a lot easier to communicate through writing. Right up until the last day of semester I was seeing the counsellor, and I don't know if when school goes back things will be better or worse. What really scared me was that if I let go of the idea of a relationship and the friendship didn't work out, I would be left with nothing. I'm pretty sure I had some kind of Post-Traumatic Stress after the events of the aftercast - it was a double blow for me. I know no one can wave a magic wand over me and make me feel better, but any advice on how to stifle emotions/cope with them better would be appreciated. I looked for an EA group but there are none in my area.
Thankyou for reading,