It might just sound like I'm making a big deal out of nothing but here goes...
I'm pretty sure I'm a lesbian. I'm 12 (nearly 13) and I've never had a crush on a boy before. I don't find them attractive at all, although I do have a few as friends. I sort of thought I might be a lesbian when I was 11 and got a crush on my old teacher Miss Bennett. It messed me up completely, I thought I was going crazy and I used to cry every night wondering what was wrong with me. I did tell a few friends about it, and they thought it was odd but OK. Then I kind of got over my crush but for some reason actually told Miss Bennett about it in an email.
Here is her reply:
"You dozy thing! Of course I haven't gone off you! That sort of thing is very normal and happens to most people at some point in life - although I have to say I think you're barmy! I'm glad you're all sorted now - and I'm very glad you told me - I've been imagining all sorts of terrible things happening to you! But no - it's just the joys of adolescence on the way!"
I think that was pretty nice of her, but she was implying I wasn't a lesbian at all and I just had mixed up feelings. Then afterwards I realised I was really attracted to girls. I mean, when a "hot" guy came on TV, my friends would go on about how yummy he is, and I'd just be like "yeah, whatever". And when girls came on screen I'd just think about how pretty they were, and generally feel more "that way" about them.
Then I got a crush on my sister's friend, Claire, who's 18 now. That hurt, and still does. I just feel...I can't describe how I feel about her. She's amazing, this hardly feels like a crush and more like love. I told her too, and she was surprised (she doesn't like herself much so she was surprised someone else did so much) but she's OK with it too. My sister, Anna (17) and I talk with eachother a lot, we're very close, and I've told her all this. She thinks she might be bisexual so she is quite understanding.
Then when I started high-school, I met this girl called Amy, she's gorgeous, and I have a little bit of a crush on her too (so it's two people). But then came the big thing. I told my new friends, my closest ones, that I was a lesbian. It seemed easier to say that than to say "oh, well, i think i might be". Then somehow the rumour got around school, and I mean ALL AROUND school. Even now I get total strangers coming up to me saying "excuse me, are you a lesbian?". And I hate it. People can be so horrible to me, just because of that. I have to admit I do usually say yes, but still...
I guess I just want to know, does this mean I am a lesbian? I've never felt attracted to guys at all, only girls. People say I'm too young to decide, but my sister knows a couple of gay people who say they kind of knew when they were younger. I talked to a 27 year old lesbian on the internet who said she kind of knew since she was about 9, and my sister's friend Bryn said he knew when he was 14.
But it used to completely wreck my life. I got involved in self-mutilation as well, very briefly (I just cut my leg twice).
I don't have a specific question. I just want to know how you feel about all this, what are your opinions? I need help!
Sorry for having such a long post.