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Author Topic: My Recently Out Best Friend
AndreaK81
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Member # 428

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Hey everyone, this is the message board that is the best for me to post my problem on. I've talked to many people about it, and no one has seemed to be able to help.. I'm getting kind of desperate here.. so, here's my problem:
I have known this guy since the begining of 9th grade, and have been friends with him almost as long. (I recently graduated from high school) He was a year ahead of my in high school. Our friendship has made it through him switching to a different school when we barely knew eachother, and another school yet again. (None out of state or anything) We've had petty arguments like all friends have, and our friendship has never really suffered from it. Recently, my friend came out to me, and it was like we were closer than ever, because he was finally being honest with me about something I had a very good idea of for awhile. But soon thereafter, our relationship slowly felt like it was being strained, and like he was slipping away from me- and it scared me to death. Then one day, he asked me if he wanted to go to this event his boyfriend was participating in (Dressing up as the scientist guy from Rocky horror Show and playing along with the movie with a cast) I originally was really excited about going, and thought it would be a fun thing to experience. However, I thought about it.. it was in a bad neighborhood late at night, and I don't exactly have the most reliable car, I didn't know exactly where this place was, and my sense of direction kind of sucks.Not to mention the night I was supposed to go, I had worked an unusually dtressful 7 hout shift at work, and had very little gas in my car and $5 in my pocket. (Admission was $4) My friend wouldn't even be all too clear on what to expect! So, I chose not to go. Heck, I don't even like that movie.Thinking I had vaild and understandable reasons for not wanting to go, I didn't think he'd be very uspet with me for not going, but maybe a little annoyed, which I would have understood, even though he knew there was a possibility I wouldn't have shown. Anyway, it feels like that event has almost ruined this friendship that I once held so dearly to me, that I valued so much.. and that was a huge part of my life. We got into an argument.. he called me insecure and paranoid... we've barely talked since, and ough we seem to have made amends,there are unresolved tensions between us. Can anyone help me by giving me advice, or suggestions on what I can do to get our friendship back on track? Is it possible he feels neglected by me, or that I'm unsupportive of his needs or that he at least feels I am? Is it possible he's taking his frustrations on me? What Can I do to save our friendship? Sorry this is so long.. but I think it's time that I finally gave the entire story. Thanks for your time.

Posts: 7 | From: the metro area of MN | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AndreaK81
Neophyte
Member # 428

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You don't understand!! I am in no way homophobic! I have other gay friends, but I haven't been friends with them during the akward stage they go through shortly after coming out that everyone keeps talking about. I adore my friend, and I have been out with him and his boyfriend, the event he invited me to was simply of no interest to me, I had no desire to go, if I had, I would have! I would never do anything to hurt him!
Posts: 7 | From: the metro area of MN | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AndreaK81
Neophyte
Member # 428

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Hey!
Thanks for your reply again. I should probably start off by telling you that I'm female. And there was a time when my friend had a girlfriend, and I was wickedly jealous of her, mostly because of how her treated me during that time-nonexistent. But that was over two years ago, and shortly after he and his girlfriend broke up I had a pretty good feeling of my friend's sexual orientation. When I was out with him and his boyfriend, things with great. His boyfriend and I got along very well, and I related well to both of them at the same time. I was the only other person there except them, and at no point did I feel like a 3rd wheel. Which was awesome. He and his boyfriend have since broken up, and his boyfriend moved to France (I don't know for how long)but I'd be willing to bet there are no hard feelings between them. That is just an educated guess though. As far as being open to my friend's gayness, as a few people have put it, I have shown him that I don't care. The night I hung out with him and his boyfriend was the night of my senior prom, and one of the things we did was go to a place called sexworld, which I admit was interesting. However, we looked at male (obviously) gay porn, and they even stuck me in a little booth where you put a dollar in and a bunch of different porn chanells come in. that was the only thing he really did to make me unconftorable. Even though looking in the porn section made me a bit sqeamish.. but that's just because the whole idea of porn in general makes me uncomftorable. Then later during our argument I brought this whole thing up, and he said that I was basically being a baby about being squeamish at all... ugh.. I just don't know. It has been so hard to get a hold of him lately... I just don't know what to do anymore... I'm sorry.. this just is stressful. He's one of my best friends, I can't imagine losing him- that would just kill me, but everything with him has felt like such a struggle lately. And I just don't know what to do anymore- I am not ready to give up, and doubt I ever will be. This is something that I feel is worth fighting for. Thankyou for your ongoing help. Any suggestions for just getting a hold of him? And making him know that I care and want to be his friend and that I care about him? Ive never gone through this before and am quite clueless. Thankyou so much.

Posts: 7 | From: the metro area of MN | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Andrea,
How about writing him a letter with all the things you have said here? It seems to me that you care pretty deeply about him, and it does sound like losing that friendship would be a serious loss.

Even though orientation is natural and normal in any form, at any point that we make major life changes we need to have SOME patience with our friends and families as they adapt. It sounds to me like despite what he's going through, it might help him a lot to know that you have your own feelings -- simply about the friendship that have nothing to do with his orientation -- and that you need some nurturing, too.

As we all know, good friendships are give and take, and changes a friend makes impact everyone. If we're all patient with each other equally, it helps a lot. So, that means you should cut yourself some slack and realize that making this right doesn't all lie just with you.

(By the by, sexworld is in my neck of the woods -- though I've never visited that one;mainstream sex shops don't really have any appeal to me. Nice to see someone from the area. )


Posts: 67161 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
AndreaK81
Neophyte
Member # 428

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Hey!
I just want to say thankyou to the people who helped me out with my friend. I sent him an e-mail telling him I could tell our relationship was awry, and how much it would suck to lose him as a friend. Then I called him today, and we chatted a bit, and while there was no real depth to our conversation, things went well. There is a chance for our friendship to bewhat it once was (and possibly more!) and more than just a fighting one. thanks. If you're interested, I'll let you know how things go after we have that in depth conversation we need to have takes place, so that you know how well your guys' advice has been working! And if you have anymore thoughts about what I can do for my friendship with this guy, I'd appreciate them! thanks again!

Posts: 7 | From: the metro area of MN | Registered: Jul 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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