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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Parents, Adults and Teens » Working it out with Parents (Page 1)

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Author Topic: Working it out with Parents
Heather
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It's not easy for you OR your parents are you get more independent and grow up, especially when it comes to sex.

Can you talk to your parents about it, or are you sneaking around, terrified they'll find out what's REALLY going on? Dish about the 'rents with your peers here, and see if you can't come up with some solutions (or at least ifind some company in your misery).


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webCam
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I have a big problem with this issue, my girlfriend and I want to get engaged but her parents consider her (16) to young even though we made it clear that we wouldn't actually get married yet. We both, outside of their circles, identify ourselves as engaged etc. but it feels wierd as its clear that we want to be together having to sneak around like that.

Any advice?

CG


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Beppie
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Hey, webCam, what's the hurry? If the two of you are in love, and have a lasting thing together, then it will last whether or not you identify yourself as engaged.

I don't know when you actually are planning on getting married, but I can understand why her parents would be worried. Most people when they're sixteen don't even know what they're going to be doing in two years time, and you're talking about the rest of your lives here. As I said before, if the two of you do have something that will last that long, then whether you identify yourselves as an engaged couple or a steady couple doesn't make that much difference to the end result. I don't know how old you are, but the way you feel when you are sixteen is not necessarily the way you feel when you are eighteen, or twenty, or beyond.

You love your girlfriend now, and that's great. It's possible that you will still love her in ten years, and that she will still love you. But maybe both of you will have changed a lot by then too.


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DMSATX357
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Webcam, I can identify with your feelings of love because I have a girlfriend whom I am in love with.
But I don't understand why you would want to get engaged at such a young age. You have your whole life ahead of you. Just because you think you have met "the one" doesn't mean that that can't change. Although maybe she is the one, but then you have to count on the fact that both of you can handle the wait until you are older.
You have to take into account that people change a lot after high school, so the both of you might not be the same people in 5 years. So you couldn't possibly talk of spending the rest of your life with this person who is going to change along with yourself.
I believe that this very fact of teenage love is the most difficult aspect of the whole thing. It is not the akward moments, sexual problems, etc... it is the knowledge that a relationship started in the teen years, no matter how much love there is, will probably not last forever.
I think that teens often focus on this fact (myself included), but I have learned to take it one day at a time and just appreciate the relationship that I have.

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HotGrrl99
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My friends and I ALWAYS have to sneak! Our 'rents basically say "No sex or fooling around with boys, period!" A few of my friends are lucky though cuz their parents let them sleep over their boyfriends houses or let the boys sleep over theirs.
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lemming
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my GOD! your friends' parents let them SLEEP OVER? they must really trust them! or something...

I don't know, I understand how my parents must feel about their daughter messing around. we don't really discuss it much, but then, I think I'm pretty responsible. but I do wish they would be totally impractical for once and LET HIM IN MY ROOM! do any of your parents have that rule? he can't even be in it with the door open! it's like he's not allowed to see what my room LOOKS LIKE!

*sigh*

venting.

------------------
~the semi-elusive lemming


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nyam
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My mom and I are open about talking once the topic is started but it's not one that either of us is good at opening. It normally comes up because of a realationship problem with one of my friends.

She's really cool about letting me live my own choices but feeling free to state her opinions. The last conversation we had went somthing like this...

"I know you're an adult now and are free to make your own choices. I can live with whatever decisions you make just don't do anything stupid. What stupid is is entirly up to you to define, just know that getting pregnant or ill are ceratinly part of my definition".

My dad has a hard time remembering I'm not 12 anymore and we don't really talk. On his side it's mostly nostalgia and not wanting to know and on mine it's respecting that.


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HotGrrl99
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What's really weird, is that a couple of my friends have like really liberal 'rents. They know that their daughters are having sex and are totally cool with it! My friends mom got her on birth control and gives her condoms, and even let's boys sleep over. My 'rents told me that her mom is disgusting, because she either has no morals or is just totally insane.
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niceeyes2000
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Miz Scarlet,

I have a serious question to ask you, and my fellow board surfers:
I was recently diagnosed as manic depressive by a therapist my mother doesn't know I've been seeing. I'm not sure the diagnosis is correct, but he seems to know an awful lot about how my problems started, and what the causes may be. You see, I am the middle child, and the only girl. My younger brother is a great ball player, my older brother is an artist. I have no special talents to distinguish myself. All I have ever had is illness. I have arthritis (yes, as a teen!) from cheerleading, I have asthma, I have scoliosis, I have had mono twice, one time sent me to the hospital, I have an ulcer that will not go away, and the list goes on. But even with all this illness, my brothers always seem to win the attention of my mother, whom I need at times when I am sick. Also, my mother wants me to be just like her. Nothing I do is ever good enough, even though right now I help her pay bills, and do all the house work, and work 9.5 or 10 hours a day. I can never please her. In my family, I give her the least trouble, but I get the most ****. This is where, my therapist and I believe my problems with depression stem from. I am depressed, though there never seems to be a cause or reason or warning. And I can never seem to understand or explain what it is that I am depressed about. The only way to explain it, which makes no sense to anyone, but makes perfect sense to me is that the problem is 'everything in the world and nothing at all'. I know I'm not crazy, I jsut feel like it sometimes. And right now is worse, when I can't decide whether to tell my mother about this, or not. I have talked to her about my feelings a million times before, and she always says that I do this to myself, and that it is all in my head. No joke! That's the problem; it's in my head and I don't know how to get it out!! Her explainations for my problems hurt me so much that I don't want to talk to her, but if she heard that my therapist says it's not 'all in my head' then maybe she would start to believe. WHAT should I do? Please respond!!


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Heather
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Nice,
It sounds like you're dealing with some of the issues I did at your age, too.

What I did that worked out (through a very long process, but that's a story for another day) was to arrange a meeting with both my mother and my therapist. Sometimes, adding a mediator makes a very big difference, and her hearing all of this from your therapist (and perhaps initiating therapy for herself, or family therapy) instead of you can make it easier to hear and acknowledge.

You have my sympathy. I really hope it works out.


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Bobolink
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<bump>
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DrQuack5
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In response to HotGrrrl's comment:

One of my good friends mom is like that, too. Although her mom is really cool about it. We were talking last night and she said that her mom goes out of her way to stay out of the room is she is having only one guest over and knocks before she comes into the room even if there's not a door.


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cupcake
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I think alot of it is a matter of growing up.
Before, my parents used to be pretty strict about boys.
I was 15, and I had a serious boyfriend. Believe me, it felt like the biggest thing in the world, and the most frustrating, when my parents wouldn't ever leave us alone, and he wasn't even allowed in the upstairs part of my house. argh! it drove me nuts.
After a while, we broke up.
When I was 16, I went out with another guy. I wonderd at first if it was because they liked him more than the last one, because slowly, they'd let us stay at home alone for short periods of time. And he was even allowed in my room, albeit the door had to be at least partially open.
Now, I'm 17, and for the first time, my parents let my kinda-boyfriend stay over for the night. It was cool.

As frustrating as it was, now it's finally starting to make sense to me. And to think for all these years I thought my parents were dumb....

Now, onto trying to get them to SAY the word "sex"... <sigh>


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Pumpkin_Pie
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My parents would probably jump for joy if I came home with a boyfriend. The red carpet would be rolled out for the boy that draggged me back froom the pit of lesbianism. My mam doesn't know officially but she seriously suspects it. I try to limit all verbal communication to monosyllables and grunts. We just don't talk. I haven't had anything to talk to my dad about since I was about 6, and my mam is so nosy I just gave up giving her any realy information or confiding in her because she just prodded and poked more than I wanted or was ready to tell her. So, I'm just presuming I'll be officially in the closet until the day I announce I'm pregnant by a donor and show my mam who I'm raising the kid with. Yeah, so, as you can see, a great communication situation. Its the gay thing though that drives the wedge, without that maybe things would be different
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TenohSetsuna
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Tell anything to my parents? Ha! You're funny. We've got a don't ask don't tell policy at my house-- no one says anything about the big s word. My parents don't even know this site exists, and I'm gonna keep it that way.

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"I never said I was a boy." - Tenoh Haruka, episode 92, Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon


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-Jill
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My family and I never really talk about sex and I'm starting to be grateful for that.

Right around the time I started my menstruating my mom gave me a book that answered a lot of the questions that I didn't want to discuss her but wanted answers to. That was the most by way of sex ed that I received from my parents.

This is good thing though because my family (by family I mean parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc. - they've all helped raise me) doesn't really know much about safer sex. The other night several of them were over at my house and drunk enough (they all live close enough to walk home - no drunk driving) to feel comfortable discussing sex in my presence. It turns out the withdraw method is their favored birth control. I told them as much as I felt was appropriate but mainly I'm grateful that everyone is healthy and that I have other resources available to me and my younger cousins.

Woohoo Scarleteen!


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There is a time and a place for everything.

[This message has been edited by ookuotoe (edited 01-06-2002).]


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smittenkitten
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If I so much as joke about having sex, my mum loses it. She wants me to wait until I'm married, but I don't plan on getting married anyway. Sometimes I want to go out and have sex just to spite her, to show her that now I'm legal she can't stop me. I tend to rebel against almost everything my mother wants/likes, even if it's just a pair f shoes she wants me to buy...must be part of teen life.

Hugs & Scully & Reyes,
Winnie :0)


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DarkChild717
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My parents don't like guys in my room, regardless of who they are. It's really kind of funny. So I tend to keep people out of my room. It isn't hard, because my room is ein Schweinestall....(a pigsty. See! I pay attention in class!)

My mom is my bestfriend. The only thing she doesn't know are the specifics of my foolings around with my ex. And with the guy I am seeing now. I don't think she cares about just petting and mutual masterbation and such, but she has made it clear she doesn't want me having sex until I can financially, mentally and physically deal with the consequences. In essense, she is teaching me from her experience. I should have an older sibling. But I don't.

She supported me in my decision to go on ortho tri-cyclene, and I can talk to her about anything. It's great.

My dad, however...I'm still his baby girl, in the little white frilly dresses. So we don't EVEN go there. Never will, either.


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Ginger69
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hey niceeyes2000

i can totally relate to you i have two brothers, a sister and my parents and like you i am a middle child my brothers are both very much interested in and talented with computers my sister in very religious and makes it through life pretty easily they all know exactly how they want their lives to be and every time i think about it i go in and out depression (alot)to the point of complete meltdown almost everyday and worse somewhere in the past i became an insomniac i don't even remember that last time i slept well was. my entire life i was told that everything i ever thought and dreamt was in my head i never knew what to truly think was true or not i even question my identity as a person and as a member of my family i tried to talk to my mother i even asked if she would take me to a therapist to get checked outand/or just to have someone to talk to. she told me that i didn't need a therapist that it was all in my head and i could talk to my friends (which i don't have any of) and that she was the only person in my family that needed a therapist because she has to care for us and her parents (everyone in my family helps her out around the house and with her parents too) although i understand that she is stressed out, i don't think she knows she how much she hurt me by saying what she said( :> ) i know i am a motormouth i finish in a sec. ) my entire life all i ever wanted was to prove that its not in my head and i am not crazy but i still can't prove it everyone i talk to tells me that its easy to just get up and move on yet no matter what i do it doesn't work i can't see a therspist b/cause my parents won't let and i can't afford it. sometimes i think they have somekind of secret ther're trying to keep from me. hopefully someday i'll figure it out. my brothers get in all the trouble and i get all the punishment when they do. if they antaganize me or anyone else, i get grounded for weeks on end its totally disturbing i personally think they favor my siblings well over me. i even heard my own mother talking to my father telling him that she hated me etc.. and my grandparents have all told to my face that they hated me, although my parents tell me thats in my head too. if i had a therapist to prove it i would normally consider all options but at this point last resort is probably the only one that would work for me.. i fully support you in which ever choice you make and hope it all works out for you..because when your stuck in a dark tunnel with no way out you need someone to shine a light on things...[me, i made that up all by myself:}]

good luck and all the best..
Ginger


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Bobolink
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Ginger, have you explored what counselling services that might be available through your school? Most schools provide some help opr access to help in this area.

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We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein


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Ginger69
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i am Homeschooled so i don't have access to couselors.

Ginger


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TheSaint
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Hey all,

Iv recently started going out with this girl. Shes great n its all going well Neways with regard to our parents, things are ok i suppose. Her mum n dad are separated, her dad lives abroad and she lives with her mum over here in England. Neways her mum seems really cool about us being together, even alone in the house or just alone in my gf's bedroom. My parents on the other hand, well my dad to b precise, just wudnt approve. I think he sees me as his good li'l boy (im 16!) who wouldnt think of going near a girl let alone sleeping with one!Luckily we can go round to her house when we wanna b together,if we cudnt i dunno wot we'd do!
I do find it very annoying, that my dad is like this, mayb i can imagine his concerns,but being wit ur gf in ur room alone doesnt always have to mean ur having sex!

Neways take it easy


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Bobolink
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Ginger,

You might want to try the Texas Youth Hotline
1-800-210-2278 (toll free). You can find out about their services here.

------------------
We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

- Albert Einstein


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PoohBear84
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I love my parents, but there are parts about them that i just wish i could get rid of. My mom, she's really cool about everything, and feels like there is a time and place for everything. Which i completely understand. But she wouldn't let me go on the pill, which really bothered me, she doesn't understand that i might have sex (i'm still a virgin) even though i don't have a boyfriend. And my dad, i can't even discuss or say the word "sex" around him, to him i'm still 3 singing the alphabet wrong. But what has really been bothering me lately is my lack of privacy in my room.

I feel like my room is my room, and i should be able to have privacy like it's my space, i own it. But there are times when my mom just walks in on me when i'm changing, and doesn't even knock. I don't want her to see me naked because she doesn't understand somethings that i do, (or doesn't know i do,) like the type of bikini wax i get... I just don't want her knowing. And my dad isn't much better... Like he'll knock while coming into the room at the same time.

I don't want to discuss it with them, because they won't understand, i know it, and i want to be able to use the lock on my door, which i can't.

But what i'm shocked about is how open they are with guys, they are allowed in my room, i'm allowed to date, just not keep the door closed. so it's not that open. Ugh they fustrate me. Every time i have a boy in my house, friend or not, my dad will come knocking on my door every 5 minutes just to see if "we are ok"

Recently i just haven't been able to handle all of the intrusion in my life, in my room, becuase it's my small world, my place to get away from everyone. And i can't now.

Pooh


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mazz
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quote:
Originally posted by PoohBear84:
And my dad, i can't even discuss or say the word "sex" around him, to him i'm still 3 singing the alphabet wrong. But what has really been bothering me lately is my lack of privacy in my room.

I feel like my room is my room, and i should be able to have privacy like it's my space, i own it. But there are times when my mom just walks in on me when i'm changing, and doesn't even knock. I don't want her to see me naked because she doesn't understand somethings that i do, (or doesn't know i do,) like the type of bikini wax i get... I just don't want her knowing. And my dad isn't much better... Like he'll knock while coming into the room at the same time.

Pooh


My parents sound alot like yours. Like your dad, my dad sees me as his little girl, even though i'll be 18 this year. And, much like your parents, my mum and dont dont respect my privacy in my room, and will always come in without knocking. The only person in my family who really respects my privacy is my brother.

I think that you should talk to them about it. I know you said that they wouldnt understand, but maybe if you tried to explain things clamly to them, they will respect your wish for more privacy in your room.

If you don't think that talking to them will help, why don't you try to find other places were you can have time to yourself? For example, you might want to take a walk or a bath to find times when you can be alone and not feel like your space is being intruded.

I always find that if i value the time i have alone in my house, i can really make upfor the privacy i don't really have when my mum and dad are here.


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PoohBear84
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Wow... we really are alike... i take showers all the time to get away from my family, really long long showers...

And i did discuss it with my mom, who completely didn't understand why i was so bothered by her "intrusions" but she's not going to invade in my space anymore... and with my dad... well i hope my mom talks to him, becusae it's so imbarissing...

He walks in while knocking, and sometimes i'm just sooooooooo lazy and i'm sitting in my room in a towel. IT'S MY ROOM. and he's shocked, i don't want my dad to see me in a towel i'm 17! So hopefully the message will be forwarded to him too

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~*Katie*~

Be yourself, because then no one can ever tell you that you are doing it wrong


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Johnny__Rotten
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I don't have to sneak around when it comes to my dad. He knows that my girlfriend and I have sex, and he's okay with it as long as we're always safe (which we are).

It's her mother that we always have to be careful and sneak around from. It doesn't bother me, but I do get worried about what would happen if she found out that 1. her daughter and I have sex on a regular basis, and 2. that we almost always lie our way into being able to go out or spend time alone together.

[This message has been edited by Johnny__Rotten (edited 02-11-2002).]


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confused333
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The sex thing is really weird with me. I mean I used to sneak around. My Dad said to me once 'You are old enough to make your own decisions if you want to be sexually active, just use protection." When I told my mom that she was like I can't believe he said that to you yada yada yada, I think your too young...But I don't think what I did was wrong. But then I read posts about how important it is to tell your parents. I don't think I could tell my mom because I don't want her to be disapointed in me. So I decided to stop having sex until I can tell her. But does anyone have any advice on how you told your parents? I would be so uncomfortable doing it, I felt like I let her down and don't want her to know and not trust me anymore.

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Why does a rose represent love, when a rose always dies??

Friends are like condoms, they help out when things get hard.


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Noahkk24
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I don't tell my parents anything, sometimes they ask me if I'm involved with girls at all, I lie and say no, they know I'm lying, and we leave it at that

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Give me two pairs
(Cause) I need two pairs
So I can get to stompin in my Air Force 1's
(Big boys) Stompin in my Air Force 1's


Posts: 35 | From: Atlanta, GA, US | Registered: Jul 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
West1001
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Well I could never really talk to my mother about sex, or anything sexual in that matter. She always seemed to make it clear that if I should have sex at such a young age that I was cheap, and slutty...and that I'd get a rep for myself. So when she actually discovered condoms in my drawer she wasn't too happy. It was a screaming match, of "are you having sex!!!????" and I screeched like a banchee to her "Yes mother, I am having sex!!!" But all in all I love her more than anything!
So now the subject doesn't really ever come up. But I'm going to make sure that when I have kids I'm going to let them know that they can talk to me about anything, especially sex, because if they made that decision for themselves, I'd want them to be safe, and not sorry.

Posts: 99 | From: Vancouver, BC, CANADA | Registered: May 2002  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Bobolink
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Bump
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Bobolink
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<bump>
Posts: 3442 | From: Stirling, Ontario, Canada | Registered: Sep 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Athana
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My parents have never cared much how late I stay out, or even if I come home, though they will throw a fit if a friend is here past 9:30pm. That however, is because it's an inconveinence to them. They were paranoid about me being pregnant since I was 12. (Had to stop wearing fanny packs under my jacket, and didn't date for other reasons til 18.)

You know what? As a grown adult who's moving to the other side of the continent, I wish they had cared enough to worry when I didn't call, or when I stayed out late. I wish they'd waited up for me, just once. And I wish that they had taken the time to talk with me about sex. I had to learn the hard way about several things. I got lucky, with a couple exceptions, with the men I found, but things could have been worse.

You mother worries because she cares. It probably sounds corny, but she does love you. The parents who don't care... do they care in other ways? Will they be there when you need them?

To the girl not about to let her mother see the site: Are you afraid more that she'll be paranoid, and think you're having sex? Or are you embarrassed that she'll want to talk, that she will care, and limit that "freedom" you may one day come to regret?

You girls are far luckier than you know, and I hope you one day come to realize that.

-Athanasiusa's Tears


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summergoddess
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Well my parents found out i have sex after 3 months of being sexually active. Yeah, a screaming match and now they accept the fact i'm more grown up so i've been active for two years now. They still though don't let Isaiah sleep over here (it's the way they believed when they were growing up) but they like him over though ... He's been in my room though.. They actually leave us alone a lot of the times he's over here ..They probably have an idea that i do spend the night at Isaiah's sometimes (mostly i do when they are away--out of town).

As for Isaiah's mom... well she obviously knows we have sex.. lol, she hears us lol when she's home.. She doesn't mind that her only son is sexually active lol, just that we to minimize our sexual noises.. We do go crazy when she's not around lol. And she doesn't mind when i do spend the night at Isaiah's So Isaiah's mom is pretty cool about it..

------------------
~Jules


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Neros_Neptune
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Well I don't discuss things with my mother *that* much. I think she knows I have sex, she let my boyfriend sleep in my bed with me for a week, haha. I suppose she sort of thinks I have no interest in sex though. She knows I take birth control, although she thought it was for my periods. She probably seen the condoms in the trash. I don't mind if she does know, she wouldn't be upset or anything. She likes my boyfriend and she has told me that I'm 17 and old enough to make my own decisions. Just the same my boyfriend and I were secretive about having sex, and I did not tell her, and she did not ask. I sort of wish she had, it would be nice to know if she knew for sure. But I don't want to discuss it with her.

My father would be upset that my boyfriend is black, and that we met online. My father however knows nothing about me, not my tattoo, half my piercings, or even what I'm like or what I want to do with my life. Much less that I have sex. I don't mind that, my father and I have a strained relationship, and truely that is mostly his fault. My mother would agree, my father has issues. I love him, but I see my life as my life and his as his.


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