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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Pregnancy and Parenting » Dealing With Miscarriage When You Didn't Want To Be Pregnant...

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Author Topic: Dealing With Miscarriage When You Didn't Want To Be Pregnant...
XCatFightX
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I don't know if any of you remember me but late November I found out I was pregnant. Mid-December, an ultrasound to date the pregnancy showed twins. If I had been getting used to the idea of having just one baby, there was no way I could with two. I was so overwhelmed and didn't feel joy like I thought I should have been feeling. Twins are so rare and special, especially identical (twin a and twin b shared a gestational sac), I should have been thrilled. I couldn't stop thinking about how I couldn't afford this and the relationship I was in was new (though we have known eachother for 2.5 years) and I didn't know if I wanted to have children with him. I started to look into abortion when I was 8 weeks along. Late December, my OB/GYN ordered an ultrasound to confirm that the twins did share a gestational sac and we found that, yes they did share a sac, and no their hearts were not beating. I couldn't believe it, I was still having pregnancy symptoms and hadn't had ANY signs of miscarriage whatsoever. I was devestated. They said I could have a D&C, I chose to miscarry on my own which took 2 weeks.

I don't know how to feel about any of this. I feel like I some how caused this because I was looking into abortion or because deep down I kept screaming "Not now! Please not now!" At 18, I'm just started to come out of my shell a bit and would like to explore that a bit before having a child or children. My feelings are so bittersweet surrounding this whole situation. I'm starting to WANT to get pregnant even though I know that this isn't the best choice right now, it won't take away my miscarriage, I won't be pregnant with the same fetuses and that's what I really want.

Any advice?

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"My art forgot her tampon and she's bleeding through her jeans, yeah my art don't need no tampon she'll just bleed through her jeans"-Alix Olson


Posts: 47 | From: Maine, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plainmaryjane311
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Have you considered any form of counseling?

It is very difficult to overcome the death of a child---of course, this depends on whether or not you considered 8 week old fetuses to be children. (I would have) However, if you were already looking into abortion, I cannot see that quite so much of a loss was experienced, considering you were planning to end the pregnancy, at least in theory. (I wouldnt check out abortion unless I was considering terminating the pregnancy...)

More importantly, if you did not want to be pregnant in November---if you even had the slightest doubts as to whether you wanted to be pregnant---I would NOT suggest you try to get pregnant again. Not until you are 100% certain that you have overcome the grief of your first loss and are prepared to become a parent without any doubt.

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Heidi A. Durst


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!@Mirkat@!
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I agree with Maryjane about the counciling, it might help :-). I also agree with her about maybe holding off for a while before becoming pregnant again. Let yourself sort through your feelings about this pregnancy first. No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't feel, that's up to you.

Even if you weren't planning on having the baby, I think that there would still be a sense of loss. There was a little being in there (whether you thought of abortion or not) and now they aren't. Thinking about having an abortion didn't cause you to lose your little ones, it's an option and choice that you considered. There have probably been many people in your position who felt the same way, thought about the same options, and had healthy babies, or were in the same situation as you are. Whatever happened to their children didn't happen because they didn't feel ready for them, or felt ready for them. It just happened, life is strange like that.

I hope this helps a little. Take care of yourself :-).

!@Mirkat Miranda@!


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Heather
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It might be helpful to let you know that MANY pregnancies end in miscarriage, often without the mother even knowing she miscarried OR was pregnant -- it's estimated that a miniumum of 25 percent of all pregnancies end in miscarriage.

While certainly some intentional things can cause that to happen, drug and alchohol abuse, trauma to the body, malnutrition, often times it's simply the body being smart and recognizing that for any number of reasons, a given pregnancy cannot be sustained and carried to term.

Which isn't to say hat happened to you is nothing or that you can't be validly upset and need to grieve. And you don't need to have wanted to continue the pregnancy to feel that way: loss is loss is loss, and some miscarriage can be very physically and emotionally trying and difficult. Had you aborted, you likely would also have had to deal with some loss issues, that's normal. So again, asking your OB/GYN for a referral to a counselor (which he or she should have given you, whether you asked or not, to be honest) may be a good idea for you.

Obviously, only you can decide if you want to try and conceive again and parent. However, as I'm sure your OB/GYN also told you, jumping right back in right after a miscarriage isn't a smart thing to do emotionally OR physically, and chances are your feelings of now suddenly WANTING to be pregnant are based in your grief more than anything else, so deal with that first before you entertain those plans, for everyone's well-being, especially yours, honey.

(Just as some additional information for you, and hopefully this will help rather than complicate your feelings further: the mortality rate for identical twins is about a whopping 40% lower than for single births -- in addition, the rate for possible birth defects is very high, as is the risk of stillbirth, which would be even harder to handle. But that also means you're not alone out there in this. Chances are good you could even find an online support group specific to miscarriages with twins.)


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XCatFightX
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To the first person who responded-it doesn't matter if *I* considered them babies or not. Scarleteen is a pro-choice site and many may find that offensive (referring to a fetus as a baby before they are born). I've hurt people in the past and some consider it anti-choice, ya know? Looking into abortion doesn't mean that I was planning on ending the pregnancy or *wanted* to have an abortion. Simply that I felt trapped in my situation and saw no other way out. I'm not explaining myself to you only that heck, losing this pregnancy hurt and it hurt a lot so without understanding the situation, I think it was pretty hurtful "advice".

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"My art forgot her tampon and she's bleeding through her jeans, yeah my art don't need no tampon she'll just bleed through her jeans"-Alix Olson


Posts: 47 | From: Maine, USA | Registered: Aug 2003  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
plainmaryjane311
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My appologies to CatFight.

I do realize Scarleteen is a pro-choice website. I wasnt suggesting abortion is wrong, I keep my views on that subject to myself. I also didnt realize the word "baby" would create so much anger/hurt. A good portion of us in the world use that word to describe the unborn, including many of my friends who are pro-choice.

But again, my appologies. I meant no harm.

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Do what thou wilt but harm ye none...


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