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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » Just a lot of thoughts...

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Author Topic: Just a lot of thoughts...
JB
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So things have been pretty hectic in my life recently, and I'm kind of looking for a safe place to vent. Not to say things have been bad just...busy.

I recently accepted a really, really good summer job for the National Park Service. I'm excited about it because I'll be living in the city and I'll be making some really good money which I plan to put towards future travel expenses. But I'm also really anxious. I'm anxious that I won't make friends, that I'll be in this place I've never been before and my life will just be my job...and I really don't want that. I'm nervous because it means being away from my boyfriend for about 3+ months and that is just really icky.

Things with my boyfriend have been good, but I've been having some confusing feelings lately. We both go to college and see each other a lot - we have hang out in the same circle of friends which is how we met. We started dating around this time last year...for a while our relationship was kind of ambiguous. We were exclusive but not necessarily boyfriend/girlfriend. Things started picking up towards the end of the semester and then we left school for the summer. I went back home and he went to work about 2.5 hours away. I only saw him maybe 4 or 5 times over the course of those months. But over that time we really established our relationship and were moving towards clearer boundaries. When we got back to school we were clearly boyfriend and girlfriend.

But then, of course, we had winter break, which meant a month of not seeing one another. So now we're back on campus and like the last time we returned on campus, for the first few weeks I wanted to be around him at all times (except last time it was like...a month, plus.) Now though, I don't feel that same strong "ohman I wanna see him like everyday for every second." I don't feel that same giddy butterflies.

That just initially makes me panic. It makes me scared I don't love him. Really, though, I just feel like the "honeymoon" part of our relationship was stretched out since we had so many breaks. I think now I've reached the point where I am very comfortable in our relationship and I don't mind being apart to do our own thing. It's just really hard not to overthink it, you know? I have a bad habit of doing that, staying inside my own head. Which is why I came hear, truthfully. [Smile]

It's just, it's been a really different relationship. My last relationship kind of imploded...we started when I was in high school and were with each other so often. Like, in retrospect, probably too often. Then I went away to school and I just couldn't do the long distance. At the time, I didn't know why I wanted to break up with him, I just knew I had to. But now, I realize it was because I wanted to date new people, really immerse myself in college and not feel split between two places. Maybe that sounds selfish, but it's how I felt. I've grown wiser since that breakup, maybe more courageous to look at my actual feelings instead of being afraid to do so.

And I don't have any discernible reason to wanting to break up with my current partner. I don't wanna date other people. I don't wanna be single. I think I'm adjusting to the not-honeymoon period of our relationship, maybe for the first time ever. And it's just disconcerting. Phew, it felt good to get that out. Do you have any thoughts? Does this sound right or plausible?

On a separate note, my close friend came out to me (and all our friends) as trans. He's FtM and hasn't begun testosterone therapy yet, although he's planning to very soon. We'll probably be hanging out a lot this summer because he lives close to the city I'll be working/living in. I'm really excited and happy for him and his transition because he's such an awesome person and a good friend and he just deserves to be happy. Not that others don't of course but I'm just happy he's finding himself. I suggested exploring the LGBTQ community in our city this summer and I'm excited of that possibility. I know he cares about us, but I'm sure he wants friends who are LGBTQ, who might understand his situation a little better.

But I guess I'm scared, in a way, and this makes me feel like a terrible person. I'm scared that if we do find a really great LGBTQ community, he'll abandon me, or that I won't fit in, or that I just won't get it, no matter how good of a friend or ally I am. And this makes me feel so selfish and awful because as a straight, cis person, I have privileges he doesn't...it makes me feel selfish to be so worried about myself when this is about him and making him happy and comfortable and not about me "fitting in" in this one particular instance. I'm just scared I'll get left behind and then I feel guilty for thinking that.

I'm also nervous that should this happen, I'll do this weird chameleon-thing I do. I'm pretty prone to the power of suggestion. Not that I don't have my own convictions and ideals and values, but if I'm in an argument, I can be persuaded temporarily kind of easily. Once I back away from the situation, I can center myself more easily and remind myself "oh, this is how I really feel/think/am." And this has happened before in terms of sexuality. This might sound weird, but I find that if I'm in a place where there is a lot of discussion/action regarding homosexual relationships, I can end up questioning my own sexuality.

I'm sorry if that makes no sense. It's hard to explain. I guess, like, if I'm around people who aren't straight, it's almost like that rubs off on me and I get to thinking "hey wait maybe I'M not straight." And I'm pretty positive I'm straight. Just on gut reaction, I never really have the same reaction to an attractive female as I do to an attractive male. I mean, I've totally looked at a girl and been like "wow she is SO good-looking!" but it usually stops there.

But I'm scared that being in a gay community, I will end up questioning my sexuality and it'll be hard to remove myself and center myself and remind myself that I'm straight and that I care about my boyfriend, especially because we'll be separated. It really stinks. This has happened before and it takes a little while to be like "no, ok, this is who I am." I'm afraid on this scale it'll take me even longer to center myself. I guess I just get influenced easily and I feel like that makes me kind of a bad person.

I'm not saying by any means that someone will "turn me gay" because that's not how it works and I know this! It just...it just makes me nervous and scared. I guess so many things are uncertain and I don't know if I'm at fault.

I'm sorry for such a long, rambly message. If you need clarification just let me know. Please also know that I don't mean any kind of disrespect at all. Thanks so much for reading this.

-JB

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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I just wanted to add that I would appreciate some feedback and I wasn't just spamming your board with my ranting! I apologize if that was unclear, haha, I don't want anybody to think I'm spamming Scarleteen! Eep!
Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hey there!

No, you're not spamming the boards at all. I'm sorry this got overlooked.

Congratulations on the new job! [Smile]

I hear you worrying a lot about being selfish, but what I see is someone who is just trying to figure out where she fits in the scheme of things. [Smile] It's more than natural for you and your boyfriend to have a settling-in as it were. As you put it, the honeymoon is over and you don't fele the need to be together at all times. How is it when you are together? If all is well then, I think you're just experiencing the growth and development a lot of healthy relationships go through. Of course, if there are other things about the relationship that concern you, we can definitely talk about those.

Your motivations for ending the relationship you had in high school make sense. A lot of people experience that need and desire to see what college has to offer them. It's not just a matter of more options either; college is such a different place than high school. And let's face it, a lot of people feel the desire or need to break away from familiar things and establish their own experiences and identity.

It sounds like you're an aawesome and supportive friend to your trans friend. [Smile] It's natural that you would feel some anxiety. Things are changing for you as well as for him. It's totally understandable to wonder what the future holds for you, for your friendship, etc. What would help you feel more comfortable with this transition?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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It's hard not to overthink things when I'm with him and be like "DO I FEEL THE SAME DO I OH NO!" It's hard not to just relax and be with him. I hang out with a lot of guys too...really all my friends are guys, so I sometimes wonder if maybe I'm kind of just...feeling like "one of the guys." It's hard to be "one of the guys" and "girlfriend" at the same time. I guess I'm just not used to not getting weird butterflies when I'm around him. It's more of a comfortable feeling, like "oh, there he is!" I guess mostly I'm just trying not to spend so much time in my head overthinking this. I'm just trying to kind of ride it out, since this isn't the first time such inexplicable, almost mutinous thoughts have come into my head.

Nothing is wrong per se...the only thing I can think of is that our sex life is kind of boring right now. We do a lot of me being submissive and him being dominant...I'd like to try reversing that but I don't know where to start or exactly how to! It's been kind of challenging.

I dunno. I guess I just really want to be a part of his transition, in a way, be there to see it. I think it'll be good for me in a sense to watch it happen it slowly. Even though I now have a new male friend, and that's so awesome, I'm losing the only female friend I really had here at school and that's kind of scary. I guess that's what makes me feel selfish, that I want to be a part of it and it's not ABOUT me. I guess I just hope he wants me to be a part of it too.

Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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Sorry to double post I just find I sometimes get overlooked when I post on this board. This whole issue just has me stressed, it's hard to get of my own head :/
Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Hi there,

There's no intentional ignoring. We're sometimes a little short-staffed.

When you spend time with your boyfriend, is it mostly in a group with your friends, or do you spend time alone? It really is okay to relax and enjoy his company and be happy to see him.

As far as your sex life goes, have the two of you discussed feelings and desires together? It can often be good to check in with each other about anything relationship related, including sex, and this would give you a chance to tell him what you'd like to do.

It truly is understandable that you would feel like you're losing something as your friend transitions. As you say you are losing your female friend, and that is usually different. But you know, it may very well end up feeling just as natural as it ever did. A lot of people who transition, while they do go through a lot of changes, often transition because they know they'll feel more like themselves when they do. It's okay to be scared. It's okay to have slefish thoughts. I also hear you being very supportive of him and looking forward to spending time with him this summer.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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Ah I'm sorry! I should've known, my apologies!

We hang out a lot in a group...this week has been pretty hectic for both of us so we haven't gotten to have much alone time. I'm hoping this next week/Valentine's Day will be a remedy for this.

We talked a good deal about how I was feeling with the whole settling down part and he totally understand and was like "I think this is good!" and that made me feel like "hey, this IS good." He felt a lot of the same, but had kind of already gone through it. we haven't talked about sex yet, at least not extensively, so I'm hoping we can do that too.

I guess maybe the reason the thing with my trans friend has been more of a thing in my life because we've been hanging out a lot lately. And it's been "good" and "bad"..."bad" because I guess I'm constantly reminded of the changes, but "good" because it helps me ease into them. We're going into town tomorrow together to do some shopping and one of the things he wants to get is a binder/packer. In a way, I'm kind of looking forward to go with him. I mean, it's interesting...I don't know much about the FtM transition. And I guess being there during his steps to becoming male are comforting.

Thank you so much for replying. I really appreciate it a lot!

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Robin Lee
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Here are a few articles that might help you with the conversation about sex:

Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist


Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
JB
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I'm definitely going to read these, thank you so much for all your guidance and patience and all-around help!
Posts: 186 | From: Richmond, VA | Registered: Jan 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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You're most welcome. [Smile]

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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