posted
I think it's clear you're not just going to let go of this relationship and move away from it, or at least radically detach yourself, very soon.
That given, I personally think it's important you actually make yourself present in it and an actual part of it, where you do things like speak up for yourself, take the driver's seat sometimes, and don't just acquiesce to whatever this guy wants, this guy says, and what time this guy is willing to make for you, all on his terms, and not at all on yours.
So, if letter-writing is how you can actually take a step to do that, I think that'd be a good and important thing for you to do. I think it's equally important you just do that and allow him the choice to respond or not -- and cope and work it out, however the chips may fall -- rather than try to control or manipulate the situation in a passive-aggressive way. I think both of those things involve being very truthful and very real about the reality of this relationship rather than the ideal, the fantasy, the enabling or the wishful thinking.
Know what I mean by all that?
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yes, I agree. I've never been one for wanting to make a situation difficult, but as my one friend told me the other day, I'm very selfish. So I guess sometimes I worry about making my opinions and desires into reality (the ones that can be made, of course) is a selfish thing.
I think I am going to write out how I feel. I think part of the problem is that I always let him have his way, because I liked making him happy. I like seeing him happy, but of course I like him, so I want to see him happy all the time.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
I don't see anything selfish in here. It might help to realize that when we talk about selflessness as being virtuous, we're not talking about someone literally not being THERE; literally not putting their self, in a real, honest way, into things they're part of.
I also think it might help -- and writing this might help you with that -- to maybe try and think about if it's about making happy or about mollifying him and/or only doing things in the way HE wants because you think that's the only way he'll let you stick around.
I know, by the way, that all of this stuff is rough to deal with and look at, so please know that I'm not suggesting any of this is fun or easy. It sounds like you've kind of co-created something very emotionally intense for you, but also very emotionally.....well, yucky, in a whole lot of ways, but that it's clear you so, so wish was different. I know all of that sucks, in the biggest way, and is hard. I just also think that when it all comes out in the wash, it's going to be a lot easier and healthier than the alternative, and leave you a lot more likely to be happier in your life.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
I don't think that he would be unwilling to talk and listen with me; I think he wants me around, and not because I cater to him; he'll accept me for anything.
however, I do sometimes feel this irrational apprehension that he won't want to hear what I have to say, and will be tired from it. He hasn't done anything to confirm this feeling, it's something that I feel on my own. I'm going to write though, I'm writing right now, so I hope that I can get everything out, and I know that if I ask him to read it, he will, and will take it in. I just don't know if he'll respond...but I'm going to mention that in the letter, because it is something that bothers me sometimes.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
There you go! See: asking for a response, saying "Hey, I need you to respond to this. Let's say in the next X days, and if you don't feel able to in that timeframe, you'll at least let me know that in that timeframe, okay?" -- this is one of those awesome active things you can do to put what you want, to put YOU, in the picture in a way that is totally sound.
(Mind, I DO think he has done things to confirm that feeling, you've posted about quite a lot of them. But I'd say that's a side-topic, because you writing this letter candidly and honestly and putting it out there without trying to control the outcome strikes me as important regardless.)
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
What feeling are you referring to when you said: "Mind, I DO think he has done things to confirm that feeling"?
Yes, at the end of the letter, I'm going to say something along what you said. But I'm not going to press. The only thing I will do is ask him to read it, and I know he will if I ask.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
I finished writing what I wanted to say....it's 5 pages. I feel like a freak for having 5 pages of stuff I want to tell him, like it's too much.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
I'm not surprised you had that much to say, because it has been sounding like there's a lot you haven't voiced.
I think it's great you were able to write so much down.
If you don't want to send all of that at once, that's okay: you can edit the letter so that it's shorter, or maybe starts with a few of the biggest issues, with you being able to write more or talk more about the others later.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Well, I think if I do that, I'll forget, or it will start to become too much. I think I'm going to just send it all at once.
What feeling are you referring to when you said: "Mind, I DO think he has done things to confirm that feeling"?
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
It's up to you, but you know, when we edit things, we can always save the original. I don't think there's anything bad or good about the length, that's up to you, but it's not like you have to burn what you already wrote if you choose to edit because you don't feel comfortable with the length.
What I meant is that you've posted a lot here already about how hard you clearly have to work to get or keep this person's attention, how inflexible he seems to be with you unless you do things his way or on his schedule, etc. Even in this post, you came in wanting to talk about something that was an issue for you, and it sounds a whole lot like he flipped it around and made it about his issue with this other guy; made it about him.
So, while I hear you say a lot that you're very sure he'll do X, Y or Z if you just ask him, sometimes those statements feel conflicting with the actual actions and words and dynamics that have occurred with him that you post about.
In other words, again, I don't think this is all in your head, this feeling he might not be responsive to you, or really get invested in what you want or need. I think that it's likely a lot of that feeling is based on his showing you, quite clearly sometimes, that that's a valid concern.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Well that's partly my fault that I let it become his issue. In all honesty, I was curious, so I let him talk. It was my own doing that he got the drivers seat that time.
And the problem with him is that, yes I've asked him to do things and he'll do them, but sometimes he won't, so it's back and fourth.
Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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posted
I'm certainly not saying there are likely ways both of you have contributed to this dynamic. But I don't think it's all on you. After all, he's not a toddler who needs your direction to do things like realize he's making conversations all about him, realizing he's directing the show much of the time, realizing he's not exactly leaving a lot of room for you. He, like you, has the capacity and the ability to notice these things, talk about them, and make efforts to change them.
So, with you stepping it up by advocating for yourself more strongly with something like this letter, you can perhaps get a better idea, though, of how much that's just about your own behavior, and how much it's also about his.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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posted
Yeah, I'm hoping that telling him about everything I've been feeling will help. Thank you for your advice and input, Heather Posts: 187 | From: USA | Registered: Feb 2011
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-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63406 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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