posted
Ages ago I mentioned I'd made myself horribly paranoid over a webcomic I was reading which had some scenes I wasn't sure were covered by the UK law against drawings of children in inappropriate situations. There was nothing graphic in the comic, not even full nudity, or I wouldn't have continued reading it at all, but the storyline dealt with a child abuse case and had a couple of suggestive panels (not really worse than you'd see on stuff like South Park, I think). With help from the people here I came to terms with the fact that I was highly unlikely to get in trouble for reading it. Recently I joined the discussion forum of this comic, and this set me off fretting again in case it was a bad idea or people would think badly of me for being there. I don't know why, because it's not like talking about the comic is somehow worse than reading it, and I've mentioned that I read it on other sites and not worried at all, but it made me wake up early this morning feeling kind of ill.
I think the reason I've been set off like this is because of an upcoming compulsory college trip which I really don't want to go on, and my subconscious is just trying to find something else to think about. Either way, it's annoying.
posted
Mizchastain: Really in reading this I'm left wondering when you had such negative feelings about this comic, having read it at all - then had to work so hard to come to terms with that, why you would then join a discussion group for it. Honestly, it's kind of like me having a problem with baked goods - having to work through feelings of negativity about them in a very real way for me, then deciding to join a baking group for cakes and cookies. Do you think you might be able to do a little thinking about what made you decide this was a good group for you to join? I think that'll be the first big step in making your feelings a little more to what you're comfortable with.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3374 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Most of it doesn't bother me, I enjoyed it except for those one or two panels which made me uncomfortable and which I figured weren't going to be repeated now that storyline's over. I know it was a bad idea to join the forum now, but I didn't realise that at the time. I just wasn't thinking.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Well, the thing about forums are you can start and stop posting at any time, so if you're uncomfortable you just need to stop replying or going to the site. Make sense?
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3374 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Yeah, I know. I just feel kind of stupid. If the material bothering me had been genuinely graphic or present more often, I'd have stopped reading with no problem, but it was just enough to make me uncomfortable sometimes while not being enough to make me stop wondering what was going to happen next and want to keep reading. Now I know which pages are the problematic ones I just don't look at them again, which I think is reasonable.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Honestly, how you react to this is up to you. But you also have to be comfortable with any decision you do make, which if you were you wouldn't be feeling the way you're expressing feeling now.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3374 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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I panicked in case I was breaking the law. In the UK, drawn images of children are subject to the same laws as photos, though I don't think it's enforced much unless they have evidence of the person who has them actually doing something to real kids. I may be wrong, but I've not heard of anyone being arrested for it yet. The law only came into force around April this year, I'd read the parts in question before then and decided not to read those pages again but continue reading the overall comic because most of it is perfectly fine, and I don't think the pages in question are graphic enough to be a problem at all (nothing's actually *happening* in them). Still couldn't help but worry a bit, but I don't know why because it's not bothered me since I had a similar panic attack months ago.
posted
The reason it's back now is likely since you expressed just recently joining the discussion forum. Honestly, the best advice we can give here is simply going to be that you have to do what feels right to you, and if it's causing this much worry question if this really is what you think is best. And only you can make that decision.
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3374 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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I don't personally think I'm doing anything wrong, I just worry in case other people think it's wrong. I don't want to do something which could get me in trouble, even unintentionally.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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I don't know if this is going to actually help, but there is something called the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund (Neil Gaiman is involved) that fights this particular form of censorship, obviously if you're afraid you'll get in trouble for joining it then it wouldn't be the best thing, but if it would make you feel better to try and actually remove the possibility of getting in legal trouble for looking at drawings, then maybe check it out?
-------------------- Always knock before entering my room when I am in there alone, as I may be doing all sorts of wonderfully thrilling things that I'd rather you didn't see. Posts: 840 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2008
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posted
Thanks. I don't intentionally seek out material like that, but I'd like to feel secure that I won't get in trouble for being on a site which happens to have some when I'm looking for something else. Same reason I didn't join an anime art website I really wanted to join - 99.9% of the material on it is harmless, but I knew there was some stuff which wasn't, and even though I know I wouldn't get arrested for scrolling past thumbnails, I figured it would be safer to avoid it.
posted
I actually woke up in the middle of the night worrying just now. I know rationally I won't suddenly be arrested over this, but I'm still worrying.
I think it's subconsciously come up because I'm going to lack internet access while on the trip I mentioned not wanting to go on. I worry something important will happen that I'll miss while I'm away.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Honestly, I'm not sure where the connection to this trip and not wanting to go on it really meets with your worry over this all with the content in this comic. Too? It's something that made you feel uncomfortable before, meaning it likely has less to do with anything aside from you personally found those to be questionable and it's something you're simply not finding yourself able to fully get past. But in all honesty? You're the only one that can make the decision on what to do. While it's obvious you're not feeling comfortable with this you continue on with it - which is completely your decision.
But you also have to understand that knowing you're uncomfortable, us having pointed it out and your not being willing to change that behavior we've reached a proverbial stalemate. It's not going to help anyone for us to continue to say if you're uncomfortable the best decision is to walk away from what make you feel that way when right now you're not willing or wanting to do so. Sometimes searching for answers we pass over the most obvious ones (like when we try making everything subconscious and not directly related when we weren't okay with things as they were before.)
-------------------- "Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side" ~Anon Posts: 3374 | From: Pennsylvania | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
I just thought being stressed out probably had something to do with it. I've had similar problems before, getting upset over unconnected things during times of stress. But you're probably right, I'll give it a break and let myself cool off.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Trying to avoid anything which is likely to set me off, but I'm still twitchy. One of the comics which had one page with problematic content but was mostly okay apparently got blocked by the content controls on my new connection and it set me off again. (I hasten to add I read several webcomics which have nothing remotely dubious in them at all, and I don't seek out stuff that does bother me. Trouble is I don't always know if there's going to be anything there until I see it.) I KNOW that even if the stuff I'd seen was really obviously illegal they're hardly going to track down and arrest every person who'd seen it, but I'm still having trouble. It got to the point I was even worried about a dead-tree manga I bought (Higurashi When They Cry, don't know if anyone here's heard of it - there's a scene with a child in the bath, drawn so there's nothing iffy actually visible, again no worse than I've seen on the Simpsons or similar), even though I'm pretty sure it was licensed here after the law on drawn content came into effect and was being sold openly in a mainstream chain bookstore, so it's hardly going to have illegal content. I also got worried about whether asking for help with this here came across as protesting too much, as it were, and giving the impression I was actively seeking the material in question, which I'm not (or else I'd hardly be telling people about it).
I can stop reading sites I know have triggering material on them, but even if I totally stop reading the sites instead of just doing what I did before and avoiding the specific pages that were problematic, which I thought was okay, it's hard to totally avoid any mention of anything that'll trigger me.
EDIT: I'm getting worse. I keep waking in the night feeling nauseous over this, and every time my computer or internet connection acts up I'm terrified it's because of something I've done even though I'm pretty sure that's not possible. It's getting to the point where I've considered turning myself in for seeing this stuff. I never, ever meant to do anything wrong, and I'm still really scared.
EDIT 2: Still twitchy, but calmer. Nausea may actually have been something I ate. Will speak to my counsellor again.
posted
Also, I know that the obvious answer would have been to stop reading the stuff as soon as I realised it was making me uncomfortable, but this has happened with a couple of comics, and what happened with them was the problematic material made up maybe one or two panels in the whole archive and I didn't find it until I'd already read enough of the archives to want to know what happened next. The guilt didn't kick in till later. I know it sounds like a stupid thing to do, but it made sense to me at the time. I have a tendency to do things which, when I look back, were an incredibly bad idea, but which seemed sensible at the time. I'm also terrified of getting in trouble, because throughout my childhood I was constantly in trouble for things I hadn't realised were a problem at the time, and my parents and teachers were constantly watching me to stop me doing that, so it's hard for me to remember that it's unlikely anyone's paying that much attention to me now.
posted
I don't know if this was brought up before, but are you seeing a counselor/psychiatrist? Anxiety like this is not normal and is something that may need to be treated as it seems to have gotten beyond what you can control. If you are seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, you need to let them know what's going on. If not, it might be a good idea to try to find someone.
Either way, my best suggestion is avoid all types of comics/art websites/etc. right now. Just like there are certain times when I can't read any news articles because they trigger me too much, clearly this is a time when this whole category of media is making you unhappy. The great thing about the internet is that the comics will still be there when you are able to come back to them.
Posts: 46 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2008
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posted
I was seeing a counsellor for a while this summer, haven't for a few weeks, but I'm in the process of making another appointment. Might it be a good idea to seek a psychiatrist for more in-depth treatment? I have a friend who's been through a lot of counselling and psychiatry and made some sceptical comments about the only difference being the price.
I think this is another aspect of the intrusive thoughts which brought me to this site in the first place a few years ago. Back then I was terrified the thoughts meant I was going to molest children. Now it appears to have changed to a fear that, while I know perfectly well I'm not going to molest any children, other people will think I am. I know it's not rational, but it's still pretty scary sometimes.
I do know plenty of pages which don't bother me at all, it's just a specific few, but you have a point. I ought to cut down on internet usage anyway - I use it a lot because I have a lot of e-pals.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
There's actually a big difference between a therapist and a counselor. Psychiatrists don't generally do therapy. They primarily deal with coordinating medications. A good psychiatrist will probably encourage or even require you to also see a therapist to do counseling (mine does). Medications can be a vital part of treating mental illnesses, but it'll seldom take care of all of the issues surrounding a mental illness or areas it affects in your life.
As with any doctor, if the therapist and/or psychiatrist you start to work with isn't clicking then it's a good idea to try to find someone else that does mesh with you if possible.
It does sound like you have some anxieties that might be best alleviated with some outside help. And I'm willing to bet there are others in your life as well.
Again, stepping back either from media and sticking to just chatting online, or spending less time online in general might help.
Posts: 46 | From: USA | Registered: Jul 2008
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I've had anxious periods before, but they generally clear up on their own. I should still probably look into more in-depth treatment if it's got this bad when they happen. (Though I think the night-waking and sick feeling this time might possibly have been related to my own lousy cooking that night, as I actually did develop a bit of a stomach upset. Apologies if that's TMI.)
I click fine with my current counsellor, I managed to open up to her a lot more than with the others I've seen. Not sure if I should seek other treatment on top of that, though.
Been avoiding the sites that had upset me and I feel a lot better already.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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Counsellor couldn't fit me in this week, but I was doing fine until I had nightmares again last night. Feeling okayish now but it's annoying.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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No longer fretting during the day, but now I've had nightmares two nights in a row. Since I've had this anxiety problem on and off for over five years now, I think maybe it's time I talked to my counsellor about possibly being put on medication. I really didn't want to be put on meds, but maybe it's the best course.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
Annoyed because a member of one of the art websites I go on, whom I had, up to this point, trusted, posted one of those Demotivational Poster things with a photo of some clearly-topless girls whom the caption claimed were fifteen. I'm not good enough at telling ages to be able to tell whether they really were under eighteen, I don't know what the laws pertaining to it are in her country as she's not in the US or UK, and nothing was actually visible thanks to the position of their arms, but it's definitely against the TOS of the site. I sent her a polite private message saying so, because this is the first time she's done anything like this and I didn't want her to get instantly banned from the site. Still annoyed at her, though, because I clicked the pic without realising what it was and until now I had every reason to trust this artist.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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posted
I know that it's not easy for you to do, but I think you need to let go of your worries that when someone else does something like this, and you accidentally click, you're going to get in trouble.
Because really, that's terribly unlikely.
I also wonder if you trying to police things like this at these sites is a barrier to you being able to let these worries go. My sense is that it may be.
-------------------- Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen About Me • Get our book! Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead Posts: 63686 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000
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Probably you're right, yeah. I was less upset by this now than I would have been a while ago, so I think I'm getting a bit better. Still worried me a bit, but I'm calmer now. I did respect this artist and didn't want her to get in trouble, so I thought it'd be a good idea to warn her in case she really didn't know.
And yeah, I know it's not likely I'd be in trouble. There wouldn't be the problem with people building up huge stashes of illegal material if the police or the internet companies really were examining everything everyone did and it'd take way too much effort on their part and I haven't done anything to give anyone reason to check my browsing history, and I can't possibly be the only person who's run across things they'd rather not, so I know it's a stupid thing to worry about.
posted
I've been less paranoid since posting here, but I'm still getting intrusive imagery, and sometimes it's coming while I try to masturbate. I didn't want to mention this before because I was embarrassed. The intrusive thoughts that come at that time aren't upsetting in themselves like the others were, but they're generally things I really don't want to be thinking about at that particular time. I know it's not a case of me having trouble accepting that I want to think about this then because I know I don't. When it first started happening it was scary, but now it's just annoying.
Posts: 424 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2007
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