Hi, my name is Frankie and I'm 15 and I need to talk. Scarleteen has been such a great resource for me ever since my sister introduced it to me years ago and I just want to thank you for that.
Ugh, I'm feeling awful lately and when I feel awful I feel jittery and restless and when I feel restless I want to type or talk so that's what I'm doing.
I need help. I know I do, I just can't bring myself to get help. I've had problems with cutting since I was in grade 7 but I stopped. I was going through a lot of crap in grade 7(I think I was about 12 or 13) and my mom was being crazy and abusive and I started to self-harm. I lived with my dad but was going over to my mom's a lot and I don't really know why... She just kept making me feel like crap so I quit going over there for a while. And I stopped cutting. That sounds so awful... I really do love my mom.... I think.... I dunno..
Grade 8 was good and I was doing better and eating more. I kind of had an eating disorder when I was 12, I'm not really sure what you would call it though because it's not like I thought I was fat or anything I just simply didn't eat. At all. I was 65 lbs and constantly have dizzy spells and fainting... But I got better. I stopped cutting, I started eating more, and I started feeling better. What helped the most I think was when I discovered veganism. I dunno, being vegan gave a whole new meaning to my life. I discovered I love to cook and I'm actually kind of good at it. I discovered how much I just love food, and I love to prepare it and cook it and of course eat it. I started feeling sooo much better and it seemed that life wasn't so bad after all.
But now it's happening all over again! I had a really bad day a few weeks ago and I was just feeling really crappy and I was sitting up in my room and there was a pair of scissors on my dresser.... I don't want to start this again! I'm so freaked out because I've started to cut again. As soon as I started again I couldn't stop. I've been doing it every day and bad enough that I'm almost fearing for my own life. I don't trust myself. It's so scary and I don't know why I've started this cycle again. I don't want to die! I like life! I'm not depressed. At least I don't think so.
I want to go talk to somebody, but I'm afraid to tell my parents. My mom is becoming increasingly more violent and irrational these days, and I'm afraid she might freak out if I tell her I'm hurting myself. I could tell my dad, but I'm too scared to. I love my dad so much and I admire him so much I don't want him to look down on my because I'm doing something so stupid.
I was at my mom's a few days visiting my little sister(she lives with my mom) and my mom was at work but her boyfriend was there. I was doing the dishes and I had rolled up my sleeves and Mike was standing next to me and it took me a while until I noticed that he was staring at my arm. I quickly rolled down my sleeve but I'm pretty sure it's too late. I am so stressed right now, I know he's gonna tell mom... Oh my god I don't know what she'll do but I'm freaked out of my mind of her. I've been thinking for a while if she ever attacked me again I could defend myself because she's a lot smaller than me but she just shoved me really hard the other day and I fell on the cement patio and busted up my knee. and there was no way I was gonna shove her back. I don't have the guts or the courage. I'm such a wuss, I hate it.
Now every time I see her number on the phone, I freak and think she's calling me to "talk" about what I'm doing to myself. I've been in a constant state of fear these past few days, and I don't even live with my mom, so what's the big deal? Ugh.
I really do want to talk to somebody, but I'm gonna have to settle for scarleteen for now.
Man, I love this site. I feel a lot better just typing this all out. It doesn't matter if I get a response, I just feel better letting some things out.
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time of it right now... but it's good that you can come on here and be so open about all of this.
First of all DON'T beat yourself up about self harming. Lots of people go through it, even some adults go through it. Self harming isn't stupid and it doesn't mean you're weak or weird or anything like that.
You really have to try and talk to someone about this. I know it's hard to tell people about things like this. There's always the worry of how they will react or what they will think, but you deserve to get the support you need.
You don't have to talk to your parents, perhaps you can talk to a trusted teacher, older siblings, school nurse, your doctor or another relative, but if you can talk to someone about it then do.
It doesn't sound like you are getting much support from your Mum right now - maybe she is having a bad time too, but whatever you do don't blame yourself for any of this.
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